Uptown Girl (25 page)

Thursday morning dawned beautifully. Kate knew because she was awake – as she had been, on and off – for most of the night. The window in her bedroom faced east and she saw the murky brown that passed as darkness turn first beige, then pink and, lastly, salmon as the sun rose. It was close to the summer solstice, and the light would last till eight thirty that evening, but there was no light in Kate's heart. Though this brief period between the beginning of spring and the deep heat of summer was Kate's favorite time of year, she woke with a heaviness in her chest and a gray despair that no dawn could affect. She had been working and eating – though without an appetite – and walking to and from school but she felt barely conscious of any of it. Although she didn't regret breaking up with Michael and she didn't expect anything from Steven, she felt lonely and hopeless. Like many women in Manhattan, she would go without a partner because either she was good enough or
they weren't. Her Brooklyn friends had exhausted her, and like a sore spot on her gums that she couldn't keep her tongue away from, there was something annoying and painful about Billy Nolan and Bina's affair with him that she preferred not to think about, but that her mind kept going back to. Perhaps worst of all, she couldn't talk to Rita or her other Manhattan friends about it because they would never understand, and she couldn't talk to Elliot about it because he was the instigator, and the truth was she didn't want him, like a dentist with a fine instrument, picking at this sensitive spot.

It was a quarter after six and Kate had just drifted into a light sleep when the phone rang. She couldn't imagine who it would be. She picked up the phone to hear Bina's imploring voice at the other end. ‘Please Kate, help me! I have to go to the airport. I went out with Billy last night and I acted as snotty as I could but he just laughed. I flirted with another guy, but he didn't seem to mind. Kate, I tried everything everyone suggested. You have to help me. Jack lands in an hour and a half and…' Bina began to cry. And while Kate had heard Bina cry through almost every phase of their lives, there was an element to this that was new. Kate made shushing noises while she tried to wake up to define what was different. And then it came to her. For the first time, Bina was crying like an adult. Gone was the open-hearted hysteria that allowed Bina to be so infuriating and yet sweet.
Instead, Kate heard overlays of guilt, and shame, and anxiety.

‘I made a mistake, Kate. But I don't want to have to tell Jack and if Billy doesn't dump me, Jack won't propose and I've ruined my life.' Bina's sobs were muffled, but Kate couldn't help but think that she too was afraid she had ruined her own life.

‘It's all going to be all right,' Kate assured her. ‘I'll get a limo and pick you up in thirty minutes. I'll drop you at the airport, just look good. I'll take care of everything. I promise you, it's all going to be all right.'

‘Cross your heart and hope to die?' Bina asked, and before she assured her, Kate thought same old Bina at the other end of the line.

Dressed, made-up, coiffed and scented, Bina sat beside Kate in the limo. Kate had pulled herself together, called the car service, picked up Bina in Brooklyn and had swept her into the back seat. Impressed with the car, Bina was still nervous.

‘But what are you going to do?' Bina asked.

‘That's for me to know, and for you to never find out,' Kate said and leaned forward. ‘Take the BQE,' she told the driver, who seemed to be taking the scenic route – as if there was one – to JFK. ‘Do you know which terminal he is coming into?'

‘International?'

‘There is more than one international terminal,' Kate began to explain; although she wasn't absolutely sure that was true. She leaned forward again.
‘International arrivals,' she told the driver. ‘Follow the signs.' She leaned back into the leather of the seats. The limo was a bit of a luxury. But she didn't want to have to argue with the driver once they reached the airport. She turned to her friend and looked into her eyes. ‘Listen to me,' Kate said.

‘I am,' Bina told her.

‘Okay, really listen to me. You have nothing to tell Jack. You have nothing to confess.' Kate had to pause and take a breath. The idea of Bina and Billy together, the idea of him, of her…She repressed her jealousy as unworthy. ‘It only happened that once.'

‘Well, no. Last week I saw him and we got caught in the rain and he took me to his apartment to towel me off and…'

Kate imagined the scene too vividly. The eroticism of Billy gently drying her hair and face was disturbing and arousing. She could see why Bina would fall from grace again. ‘It doesn't matter. You and Jack broke up. He's been a free agent, and so have you. Remember the army had that policy: Don't ask. Don't tell?' Bina nodded. ‘Well, follow it. And if you're asked anything by Jack, remind him that you love him. Ask him if he loves you.'

‘But I slept with…'

‘There are no “buts”.'

‘But even if I don't tell him about the sex…Okay, I won't tell Jack anything.'

‘You promise?'

‘I promise. But to make this work I have to get Billy to dump me.'

‘I'm going to take care of that,' Kate said. ‘Now, fix your makeup.' Obediently, Bina rooted around her huge purse and pulled out a cosmetics case. Kate helped her with her primping and then turned the mirror on herself. She looked a little pale, and there was bruised-looking skin under her eyes because of her lack of sleep, but she would do her own toilette later.

‘Okay,' she said, as they pulled up to the sidewalk at the airport. ‘You look great, you should feel great, and Jack is coming here just for you. Because he loves you.'

‘But I'm not sure…' Bina began.

‘I'm sure,' Kate said. ‘Now go to the rope where passengers get out of customs. He'll probably be out of there in less than ten minutes.'

‘Aren't you going to wait with me?' Bina asked, her eyes opening wide.

‘No. I have something else to do,' Kate said and gave Bina a hug. ‘Keep your cell phone on and your powder dry. Call me the moment anything happens.'

Bina got out of the car and walked through the sliding glass door entrance, then she turned and waved and gave Kate the thumbs-up sign. As soon as Bina disappeared, merging with the crowd inside the terminal, Kate leaned forward to speak to the driver one more time. ‘Take me back to Brooklyn,' she told him.

It was just a few minutes to eight in the morning when Kate rang Billy Nolan's bell. It took several minutes before his sleep-blurred voice responded. Kate put her hands over the intercom and murmured something, pitching her voice higher than normal. Surely, this wasn't the first time that Billy Nolan had had an unexpected visit from a woman at an inappropriate time. The more realistic worry was that some other woman was there first. But, as she'd hoped, the door buzzed and Kate pushed into the hallway. I'm only doing this for Bina, she told herself, but she knew it was a lie.

Since Bina's confession at the shower, Kate had felt herself possessed by her desire for Billy Nolan. No matter how hard she had tried to deny it, she had been jealous and intrigued by Bina's flirtation with Billy. To be brutally honest, from the first moment she had met him on the terrace, Kate had felt an almost irresistible pull toward Billy. She had tried to fight it, and she knew that he,
like Steven, was not ‘relationship material', but if she did this for Bina maybe she would also be able to get Billy Nolan – his smile, his charm, and his easy physical grace – out of her system once and for all. Kate wasn't going to waste time in a meaningless relationship, but if this would precipitate a break-up with Bina and that would give her confidence then…

Kate stopped to look in the mirror at the stair landing. She wasn't wild about what she saw. Her face was pale, and there were circles of darkness under her eyes. She hadn't been able to sleep last night and it showed. Well, it would have to do. She pulled out a brush from her purse and puffed up her hair. She wondered, once again, if she should have had a haircut when Bina had. Too late now. Her lipstick was still holding up but she did a full-face smile to see if there was any on her teeth. She could use a bit of shine but she didn't have any gloss so as she walked up the stairs Kate caught herself licking her lips. Then she remembered Elliot's absolutely ridiculous acronym and regretted it. Well, she told herself, I'll regret more than that after this morning is over. She got to Billy's door and, with her heart knocking in her chest, knocked on the door as well.

Billy, his hair tousled and a loose cotton robe drawn around him, opened the door. ‘What…?'

His physical presence was almost a blow to her. She could smell sleep on him. It was better than any cologne.

Kate pushed in past him. It was a good thing she was getting him early, before he had coffee and his brain might become operative. Based on her experience, most men were easy. It wasn't hard to get them to sleep with you. It was harder to get them to listen to you, to know who you were, or to commit to you. But none of those challenges lay ahead of her. She walked across the room, put down her purse, sat at the edge of his bed and crossed her legs.

‘Sit down. Make yourself at home,' Billy said with as much sarcasm as it seemed he could muster at eight a.m. He closed the door behind him. ‘To what do I owe…' He gave up trying to be urbane. ‘You want a cup of coffee?' he asked and, scratching his head, began to move toward the kitchen.

‘No thank you,' Kate said, trying not to lick her lips. ‘I didn't come here for your coffee.'

Billy stopped at the sink, his hand midway between the coffee-maker and the faucet. She had not gotten an opportunity to look at his hands since the dreadful bowling evening. Kate had always been interested in men's hands. She considered herself a sort of connoisseur, disliking short, stubby or hairy-backed hands, yet equally turned off by overly slender almost feminine ones. Now she was transfixed by Billy's. If she had tried to design the perfect ones, strong yet sensitive, the hands of competence and sensual knowledge…She blushed.

He walked toward her slowly, pulled a chair opposite her and sat down. ‘What did you come here for, Doctor?' he asked. ‘Is this another consultation?'

Okay. She deserved that. And probably more. If he was going to make her eat humble pie, she would. But couldn't he feel her almost ridiculous longing? She was grateful that it wasn't palpable to him since it suffused her being. ‘Look, I was wrong,' she admitted, then paused. She'd rehearsed this coming from the airport but all that she had prepared seemed to have evaporated. ‘The thing with Bina isn't working, is it?' she blurted.

Billy looked at her. ‘Have I missed something? Are we still in high school?' he asked. ‘And even if we are, is this a question that has to be answered at seven in the morning?'

‘It's five after eight,' Kate said, sounding almost prim. Shit! Jack should be walking toward customs at this very moment. ‘Just tell me the truth,' she said. ‘Bina means nothing to you, does she?'

‘Bina is a very nice girl,' Billy told her.

‘I know that, but that isn't the question I asked you.' She looked down at her exposed toes and the pre-Raphaelite painting of
King Cophetua and the Beggar Maid
appeared before her eyes. She'd always found it erotically charged. ‘Look,' she said, ‘I came over here to admit that I made a terrible mistake. Bina is beginning to be really attached to you and it isn't fair. She's going to get hurt and it's going to be my fault as much as it is yours.'

For the first time since she had arrived, Billy actually looked awake. He sat there in silence, his elbows on his knees and his long hands at rest between his legs. He looked down at them for a long moment, then looked back at her. ‘Look, I never meant to hurt her. I go out with women who know how to take care of themselves.'

‘Well, Bina isn't a woman like that.'

‘I know. That's why I never slept with her. Not that it's any of your business.'

Kate looked away from his beautiful face. So he was a liar as well as a flirt and a serial dater.

‘Don't waste my time with lies,' she told him.

‘Hey!' He stood up. ‘I don't lie. I've never dated more than one woman at a time, and I break up with one before I start in with anyone else. I never promise what I don't deliver. I'm a bartender, for God's sake. They know I'm…well, not serious right now. And if that is a repetition compulsion, well, that's my problem. Meanwhile, I make them feel good about themselves.'

‘It's time to break up with Bina,' Kate said firmly. The fact was she felt anything but firm. She was more frightened than she could ever remember being. What if he was disinterested or, worse, what if he laughed at her and threw her out? At that moment she felt it would be unbearable. Yet she couldn't show her fear. She looked at him, his hair still messy from bed but as adorable as ever, his brow wrinkled in incredulity. ‘It's time,' she repeated.

‘What are you? Her social secretary or her mother? And how do you know how I feel?'

Kate stood up. She was so much shorter than he was. She leaned forward and looked into his eyes. She felt the heat from his chest and she could have melted. There was a place beyond words where honesty and intention is felt. Kate did more than apologize. She bared herself and let him in through her eyes. Silently, she kept her eyes on his and let him feel her intentions. All of the sexual heat, all of the longing that she had repressed was there, visible to him if he would look. She allowed herself to move from herself to him through her eyes. It was a lot more effective than two Palm Pilots linked up. Billy actually pulled back for a moment, then leaned forward.

‘Doctor, are you…?' His expression changed from confusion to incredulity to…well, it looked like delight.

Kate took the sweater off her shoulders and tossed it onto the chair behind her. Then she sat back down on the bed and unbuttoned the top button of her blouse. ‘I think you should call Bina,' she said. ‘She won't be home now, but you can leave a message.'

‘That seems pretty cold,' Billy ventured.

‘Her old boyfriend is in town. She won't mind if you break up with her right now.'

‘B-b-but over the phone?' he stammered.

Kate looked him full in the face. She felt surprised at his sense of honor and guilt at her own
manipulativeness. But she put both of those out of her mind. ‘I promise this way is best. I wouldn't hurt her for the world.'

And, as if hypnotized, Billy did just that. He picked up the phone and Kate had the delicacy to leave the room while he left the message that Bina felt was so crucial.

Kate excused herself. In the bathroom, she called in sick – only the second time she had missed a day of work – then had a moment to look at herself in the mirror. What are you doing? she silently asked her reflection. She couldn't convince herself that she was giving her body to this man simply to perform the ending to a crack-brain scheme that she certainly had never believed in. She wanted to sleep with Billy, but she was already afraid that she wanted more. And she knew his record with women. Could she afford to spend more of her time in a relationship that would lead to nothing in the end?

She looked away from her own pale-blue eyes. She knew she didn't really have a choice. She wanted Billy Nolan more than she had ever wanted anyone. But this has to mean nothing, she told herself. There is no future, only the present. I won't make the mistakes I made with Steven and Michael. This isn't a relationship, she told herself firmly. This is what other people call ‘fun'.

Fun was not exactly the word Kate would use for coupling with Billy.

‘I've wanted you since the first time I saw you on the terrace,' he said.

Kate felt something within her tighten. They were the words she wanted to hear but didn't dare believe. They were true for her, though she had not admitted it to herself and she certainly wouldn't admit it to Billy. That way lay madness. She just smiled, enigmatically, and tried to put all thought out of her mind. That was easy to do because no one had ever made love to her the way Billy did. She wasn't surprised by his strength or his skill, but his tenderness had taken her aback. He cradled her head with both of his hands and held her face to his as he kissed her. He stroked her hair. ‘It's so beautiful,' he murmured. ‘I love your hair.' He buried his face in it, just beside her ear. ‘I love how it smells and how it feels. I wanted to touch it but I didn't think I'd get the chance.'

Kate turned to him and he put his mouth on hers. She couldn't decide what she liked better: when he used his mouth to kiss her or when he used it to speak to her. Because his hands spoke to her as well. They moved miraculously from her breasts to her thighs and up again to her mouth, each time going further, becoming more probing, more intimate and even more responsive to her. Kate had always found the first few times she made love with someone to be a little awkward, and ultimately unsatisfying. She had to be able to relax and Michael, or Steven, or the other men in her past had to become familiar with her timing
and her responses, just as she had to grow to know theirs.

But with Billy it was different. He heard and registered every intake of her breath, the slightest movement of her hips or shifting of her body. She felt she could ask him for anything without speaking a word. But she didn't have to ask. He was slow and practiced and skillful, but she also felt such a flood of feeling, such an exchange of emotion that she lost herself. As they made love, Billy kept his mouth on hers, and it seemed as if he had a hundred variations of kissing, all of which were in sync with his movements and her own. He only took his mouth off hers when he paused to look at her or when he moved his mouth to her nipples and then lower.

He brought her to the brink with his hand and with his mouth and then moving against her and then again with his hand, until Kate felt her body trembling all over. She almost couldn't catch her breath, but the feeling was wonderful, not frightening. And when she put her hand on him his gasp was so deep that she felt an almost greater pleasure in touching him than she felt when he moved on her body. Kate had no idea what time it was when he finally slipped inside her for the last time, and when both of them fell asleep, exhausted and satisfied, he kept his arms wrapped around her waist, holding her to him even as they slept.