Uptown Girl (22 page)

The two of them walked down Henry Street. Kate was afraid to say a single word to her friend. She didn't want to encourage her about Jack and though she did want to discourage her about any attachment to Billy Nolan, she was not sure of her motives. They came to Henry's End restaurant, which was already bustling though it was early for dinner. Well, Kate reminded herself, people ate earlier on this side of the river. ‘Are you hungry?' she asked. ‘Shall we eat here instead of Isobel's?'

‘Sure,' Bina told her. ‘Just don't make me eat a Bambi – and don't you eat Thumper.' Henry's End was famous for wild game, though Kate would settle for steak.

‘You can trust me on that,' Kate told Bina.

Her friend took her arm. ‘I'll always trust you,
Katie.' They paused for a moment. ‘Hey, maybe you and Michael will get married and we could have a double wedding. My parents would love that.'

Kate had a flash-forward of an overdone ceremony with both her and Bina walking down the aisle on Dr Horowitz's arm, followed by a life full of documentaries, talks of anthropological discoveries and Texas cocktail parties. ‘Please, Bina,' Kate said. ‘Not when we are on a very high bridge with a lot of cold water underneath it.'

‘There's a possibility you're actually going to get engaged?' Elliot asked Kate, his face pruning up with disapproval. They were sitting in the Starbucks located exactly halfway between his apartment and hers. There were two others in the neighborhood, but one was slightly closer to Elliot's and the other was slightly closer to Kate's, so they always compromised on this smaller, somewhat shabbier one.

‘You better stop disliking him,' Kate told Elliot. ‘If I
do
marry him, and you stay snotty, I won't be able to see you anymore.'

‘Wedding bells are breaking up that old gang of mine,' Elliot warbled. Kate shook her head. It was a corny old song, and while Elliot didn't live up to most gay stereotypes he knew the lyrics to every show tune and pop standard of the previous century (with an emphasis on World War I and Barry Manilow tunes). Elliot put down his mocha coconut frappé and tidied up the little table
between them using three napkins, then picked his frappé up again. ‘Like I'm really threatened that you'd give up our friendship,' Elliot said, and took another swig. ‘Who else do you have to talk about every detail of your emotional seismograph and Barbara Pym to?'

Kate had to smile. It was true she described every tremor to Elliot and – like a geophysicist – he predicted when the earthquakes were coming to rock her world. And Barbara Pym was one of her secret addictions – an English author she and Elliot both reread frequently. Kate found the books soothing because almost nothing happened in them; no one's feelings were hurt and very little changed. A big event was a visit from the vicar and most chapters ended with someone having a hot, milky drink. Which reminded Kate about Elliot's beverage.

‘Did you know that there are more calories in that coconut frappachino than three Big Macs?' Kate asked.

‘Speaking of Max,' Elliot said, ignoring her concern, ‘is he still sniffing around? And is he sniffing around you or Bina?'

Kate made a dismissive gesture. Like a good mom, Elliot always thought every man was in love with Kate, and if they weren't he was offended. ‘He seems to be busy carrying news about Jack to anyone who'll listen. I think he still feels guilty because he introduced Bina to him. Anyway, he's harmless. Bina doesn't have time for anyone but
Billy,' Kate continued, and only after the words were out of her mouth did she notice the slight bitterness in her tone. Luckily, Elliot – who had radar for things like that – didn't pick it up because of the loud noise he was making as his straw sucked up the liquid at the very bottom of his cup.

‘That's disgusting,' Kate said.

‘Well, I promise not to do it in front of your friends at the shower.'

‘Bev's shower?' Kate asked, her voice rising at least an octave. The realization hit her hard but she knew it was going to be true. ‘You're invited to Bev's shower?'

‘You sound surprised,' Elliot said. Then, in a mocking tone, he added, ‘You know Bev and Brice and I are
very
close.' Kate merely rolled her eyes. ‘Hey, I saw Brian Conroy at lunch today and he was actually laughing with two other little bandits,' he continued. ‘I think they were slinging tuna fish at the girls' table but I didn't catch them at it.' Elliot smiled at her. ‘You might actually be doing some good work,' he said. They looked at each other for a long moment, Elliot smiling at her, his brown eyes warm and wet as a Labrador's, and Kate basked in his approval. Then, as was their custom, they simultaneously shook their heads and bleated, ‘Nah!'

‘I wish you could do something about the Reilly twins,' Elliot grumbled. ‘Yesterday, I gave Joseph the test on fractions that James was supposed to take, so James failed, and now his mother is
complaining to me because his grade will suffer. Like it will stop him from getting into Harvard. Can't you give them an anti-duping drug or something?'

‘If only. I think she's the one who needs therapy,' Kate said.

‘That's a big surprise,' Elliot huffed. ‘All of these type A parent bastards need Prozac or a big smack.'

‘Don't worry. Most of them
are
on Prozac,' Kate laughed. The pressure the parents lived under and too often exerted on their children was always palpable in the halls of Andrew Country Day. ‘So what is it with you and Michael?' Kate asked. ‘He's the kind of stable, nice guy you've wanted for me. And he likes me.'

She looked down at the bracelet hanging from her wrist and her cell phone rang. She was expecting a call from her friend Rita about drinks after Rita got out of work, which wasn't usually until six or seven o'clock. She pulled out her cell phone and, without even glancing at the caller ID, hit the green button.

‘Hi,' she said cheerfully, fully expecting Rita's nasal voice.

‘Hi back atchaya,' Steven's voice said.

Kate felt her stomach crumple and drop, like a soccer ball that had collapsed in the air near the goal. Suddenly there wasn't enough oxygen in her chest cavity.

‘Oh. Steven. Hello.' She opened her eyes wide, but not as wide as Elliot's, who moved in on her
almost immediately, a look of horror on his face. Silently he mouthed, ‘Steven?
The
Steven?'

Kate, already rattled, looked away. She didn't need to be observed. She was over Steven. She was
long
over Steven, but that didn't stop the color from rising into her cheeks. She could feel her throat tighten.

‘Am I getting you at a bad time?' Steven asked.

She wanted to say, ‘No. The bad time was the six months after you stopped calling,' but, needless to say, she didn't. Any time was a bad time to talk to Steven, as far as she was concerned, and Elliot was making it abundantly clear that he shared that opinion. ‘No,' she said. ‘I'm just having coffee with Elliot.' Then she could have bitten her tongue, or slapped herself, or both. Why couldn't she be oblique – or even lie and say she was with someone else?

‘Good old Elliot,' Steven said, which made Kate even more annoyed with herself. ‘I miss him.' His voice dropped a half-register. ‘I miss
you
, too,' he said. Kate felt the flush spread to her neck and chest. Meanwhile, Elliot was crouching in front of her, gesturing wildly. He kept pulling his index finger across his throat, telling her to cut the conversation.

She turned her head to the right, but Elliot, still crouching, jumped like some kind of dwarfish character from
The Lord of the Rings
back into view.

Kate didn't need to be reminded of how dangerous Steven was. She had really loved him, and he
had encouraged her to. Long ago, Kate had made a rule to never care for any man more than he cared for her. But Steven had cared for her – at least as long as the early lust stage had lasted. Then, after eighteen months, his ardor and his commitment had dropped off. Kate hadn't felt it at first, and by the time she had realized that he was not still focused on her she had run into him, walking with the woman to whom his focus had shifted. When Kate, humiliated, had confronted him, he had been reluctant to admit the truth and had reassured her that nothing had happened between him and Sabrina, but after Kate broke up with him, a miserable six weeks later, he and Sabrina had hooked up. Now, the question Kate longed to ask was ‘What's happened to Sabrina?' But she wouldn't let her curiosity overwhelm her common sense and pride.

‘Look, I thought we might meet for a coffee or something,' Steven said.

‘I don't think so,' Kate said. ‘I'm having coffee right now.' In front of her Elliot was mouthing, ‘No. No. No,' like a demented toddler beginning a tantrum.

‘You're not making this easy,' Steven said, and the depth of feeling in his voice gave Kate a little thrill. All at once she realized what she had felt was missing in Michael – access to deeper feelings, or the ability to express them.

But Steven's feelings – deep, or not – had not been dependable. He was either an excellent actor
(Elliot's opinion) or a man afraid of his own emotions, longing for connection and then backing away from it (Kate's theory). Kate still believed that Steven had loved her, but had been afraid.

‘Was it my job to make it easy?' Kate asked while Elliot rolled his eyes. He put a hand over his own mouth to indicate that she should shut up – as if she didn't know that already. She swatted at him. More than half a dozen of the other patrons were looking at them by now.

‘Kate, you have every right to be pissed off at me. But I swear that a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought of you, or missed you, or even tried to get up the courage to phone you.'

‘It must have been a tough year,' Kate said.

‘Don't tell me you haven't thought of me,' Steven said, and all the miserable nights, the lonely weekends, the mornings she woke up alone and missing him came rushing back.

‘I've been pretty busy,' she said. ‘And I'm about to get engaged…'

Elliot shot up from his crouch, gave her a thumbs-up with both hands and then sank down in his chair as if exhausted.

There was silence at the other end of the phone and Kate was torn between two emotions: she wanted Steven to give up and feel just a little bit of pain on her account. She also wanted him to try harder, and she was ashamed and embarrassed by that.

‘Would that stop you from just having a drink
with me?' Steven asked. ‘I really feel as if I need to tell you what happened. I mean, I'm in therapy now and…I just understand a few things that I didn't know before.'

Kate wasn't sure she wanted to know what Steven had learned about himself. And she knew it wasn't a good idea to see him. But she felt an irresistible pull toward him. ‘How about next Monday?' she said. ‘About four o'clock.'

‘That would be great,' Steven said. ‘O'Nieal's?' It was a restaurant on Grand Street, a cool but lush bar and dining room. It had been a place they often went to, not far from his loft.

‘No,' she said. She didn't want to be seduced into drinks followed by dinner followed by anything else. It was out of the question.

She thought as quickly as she could about a more neutral site. ‘How about Starbucks?' And after he agreed she hung up and threw her phone into her purse.

‘You are not going!' Elliot said. ‘You know why you're not going? Because I cannot hear one more word about that stupid fucking assfuck. Do you know how much Steven I had to live with last year? How many times can a man – even a gay man – sing “I Will Survive” with you?'

Kate didn't know if she should laugh or cry. They did actually sing Gloria Gaynor's song a few times, but only at Elliot's demand and because it always made her laugh.

‘We wore out three CDs, and speaking of wearing
out, you might be self-destructive but I have a life. I can't go through another Steven bout. Maybe you don't remember what it did to you but I do. And I just can't take it. Neither can you.'

‘I'm not going to go through another Steven “bout”,' Kate snapped. ‘But he's in therapy and he probably needs some closure.'

‘What he probably needs is some pussy,' Elliot said. ‘And that's fine with me as long as it isn't yours.'

‘Elliot!' Kate was about to continue but Elliot wasn't done yet.

‘I can't believe he calls you for the first time in a year in the middle of the afternoon on your cell phone and you make a date with him. Have you no pride?' Elliot asked. ‘You're a disgrace to your sex. It's because of you that women need to read
The Rules
and those other stupid self-help books.' He moved his arms in a spasm of disgust and completely upset his drink. ‘Oh, shit,' he said, and Kate wasn't sure if he was referring to the spill or her mistake.

Because it was a mistake. Wasn't it?

It was crowded in Bunny and Arnie's new apartment; everyone sat or stood in perfect silence in the dark. Which was quite a trick when Kate considered the compulsive talkers she was with. Bunny, Barbie, Mrs Horowitz, Bina, two of Bev's cousins, Bev's mom and two aunts, assorted friends from work, her astrologist, not to mention Elliot and Brice, were all there and quiet. But only for a moment.

‘Surprise!' the entire crowd shouted as the door opened. The lights went on and pink and blue balloons – big, but not as big as Bev's third-trimester belly, though as stretched as hers seemed to be – fell from the ceiling. Flashbulbs went off all around the room recording her as she screamed and jumped. Guests screamed and jumped as well. Dunkirk must have felt a little like this, Kate thought. After the explosions were over, Kate, afraid of a miscarriage, watched as a palpitating Bev leaned on her mother's arm.

She was taken toward a seat, from where she
surveyed the scene of laughing friends and relatives. She clutched her face and screamed. ‘Aah, you guys,' she said as soon as she could speak. ‘I swear my water almost broke! You shouldn't have.' She'd been told to ‘drop over at Bunny's new apartment for a look-see'.

Kate agreed with that – there was something sadistic in surprise frights, but ‘Yes, we should have and we did,' Barbie told Bev, joining her on the hideous blue sofa.

In fact virtually all of Bunny's new apartment was in blue, and most of it was hideous. Kate had forgotten that nobody in Brooklyn south of Prospect Park believed in antiques – things were either new or junk. Kate considered the royal blue rayon damask upholstered furniture in the living room new
and
junk, but everyone else had oohed and aahed over Bunny's new marital home on the obligatory tour before Bev's arrival. Even Elliot, not only color-blind but largely tasteless, had raised his eyebrows at the smoked mirror framed with golden cherubs and the Museum Shop lamps with fake busts of antiquity mounted under the shades. Brice, however, was in ecstasy. ‘Just like Picasso,' he had murmured to Kate and Elliot. ‘She's having her blue period.'

The wall-to-wall carpet was a peacock blue in the living room, a Madonna blue in the master bedroom, and a royal blue in the second bedroom. The bathrooms, one full and one half, were also, needless to say, blue. One was papered in
periwinkle with green vines and had matching green towels – ‘as the essential accent,' Bunny had explained. The other was done in navy foil – ‘I wanted something masculine for Arnie,' she'd told them, though why shiny dark walls were manly was something Kate couldn't fathom.

‘I didn't know they still made foil,' Brice had said, marveling.

‘I know. I had to go on-line to find it,' Bunny confided.

‘You could have this place published in
Nest
in a New York minute,' Brice told her. Of course, he then had to explain what the magazine
Nest
was, leaving out the part that it was a sort of
House and Garden
for the over-the-top louche and bizarre. Just as well, Kate had figured.

But Kate wasn't only looking around at the apartment, she was also looking at her friends. Each one was committed to a life that would almost inevitably include children, PTA meetings, family holidays, trips to Disney World and all the trimmings that came not only on the Christmas tree (or Hanukah bush) but also with the comfy order of family life. She looked around and wondered if she would ever leave the little nest she had carved out for herself in Manhattan and, if she did, what she would trade it for. Somehow the prospect of doing it in Austin without either her Manhattan or her Brooklyn friends to support or encourage her seemed grim. At least when she had been with Steven she knew that her future –
if there was one – would be in New York.

Here in Brooklyn once Bev got over her surprise, all of the guests felt free to tear into the incredibly plentiful food. That, set out on the dining table and credenza (both covered with sky-blue cloths with napkins to match), was a truly impressive spread. Everything from bagels accessorized with four varieties of cream cheese to pasta salads, Thai satay, canapés, and canollis was arrayed in absolutely overwhelming profusion. Elliot picked up a plate and heaved a big sigh of happiness. ‘I love it here,' he said.

‘Oops. He's up another waist size,' Brice said and patted Elliot lovingly.

Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves enormously, except Bina. Kate didn't want another recitation of Billy Nolan's charms so she had avoided Bina just a little but it didn't seem necessary: Kate realized that Bina was avoiding her. She was sitting, her plate heaped high, next to one of Bev's cousins but she wasn't talking or eating. Only Bev's nephew, a four-year-old who sat on the floor dutifully chewing whatever his grandma or mother put in his mouth, seemed capable of bringing a smile to her lips.

‘Okay. Let's get down to business,' Barbie told everyone once the food frenzy had subsided. ‘Open the presents! Open the presents!'

Everyone cheered and agreed, except Bina. Kate kept an eye on her as box after box was unwrapped.

All the gifts had been opened and Bev's mother was wrestling in the wrapping paper as if it were a pile of leaves that had been raked up in the fall. Bev was holding up a little sweater and examining the knitted bonnet that went with it.

Kate touched the piece of hand-knit material and, all at once, she was almost overcome by a wave of feeling so unexpected and so strong that she had to sit down. Up to now, for some inexplicable reason, Bev's pregnancy had only been that – a swelling stomach, a few inappropriate outfits and some complaints. Holding the tiny sweater, Kate realized that very soon Bev – and Johnnie, of course – would have a new person, as tiny as the little bit of wool, to hold and love and care about for the rest of their lives. Kate felt so very far away from that reality that tears of envy and despair filmed her eyes. She had to turn her head away so no one would notice her sudden rush of emotion.

I want a baby of my own, she thought and realized at the same time that she was further away from that possibility than she had been for a long time. Because she suddenly knew, absolutely knew, as she held the little sweater, that she wouldn't want to be putting it on Michael's child. The very idea was…well, it just wasn't possible.

‘Have some rugella, Katie,' Mrs Horowitz offered, and Kate looked up. She must have appeared as dazed as she felt because Mrs Horowitz exclaimed,
‘You're so pale. Are you all right, darling?'

The answer, of course, was ‘no' but how could she explain that to kind, concerned and simple Myra Horowitz?

‘It doesn't matter if he's not a real doctor,' she said to Kate, her voice low. ‘As long as you love him.' Kate managed a smile and took a pastry.

The women were all trying to balance their second helping of over-filled paper plates on their laps and simultaneously manage plastic cups of juice, margaritas or New York State champagne.

The Bitches, Brice and Elliot had gathered in a small group in the corner near the easy chair that Bev had settled into.

‘So, is it a girl or a boy?' Barbie asked.

Bev looked at her mother, then shrugged her shoulders. ‘Johnnie and I want a surprise,' she said, but Kate saw their complicity.

‘I think you should name him William,' Elliot said.

‘After the prince?' Bev asked.

‘No. After Billy Nolan. The man who made all this possible,' Elliot told her.

‘See, Elliot's theory works. Just think. You're next,' Brice told Bina with frightening assurance.

‘That's right, Bina,' Bunny agreed.

‘Jack'll come around,' Bev's mother told Bina in a comforting tone. ‘Remember how long it took her Johnnie to propose? I'm glad you stayed local, Bina, and didn't go into Manhattan like Katie.'

‘Yeah,' Barbie echoed. ‘It's even harder to get them to commit.'

‘I don't think that location has…' Kate started to say. But before she went any further her Manhattan team came in for the rescue.

‘Kate's doing okay,' Elliot said defensively.

‘Yeah,' Brice chimed in. ‘She's getting a proposal from this doctor guy.'

Kate felt the blood leave her face.

‘Get outta town!' Barbie cried.

‘You sneak! You didn't say a word,' Bunny squawked.

‘What's his sign?' Bev demanded.

Kate was kissed and pummeled for a few minutes, until she could raise her voice over the cries of ‘you go, girl' and ‘mazel tov' to object. ‘I'm not “getting a proposal”,' she told them all, then gave Brice a dirty look. He shrugged an apology. Kate tried to find words to describe her situation with Michael and put out the blazing fire of curiosity around her. ‘We're talking about options.'

‘Options-schmopshins,' Mrs Horowitz said. ‘So what kind of doctor? Not a surgeon,' she warned. ‘Surgeons are cold, Katie.'

‘He's not a medical doctor,' Kate said, then heard all the sighs of disappointment that moved through the room like a summer breeze. She shot Elliot and Brice a murderous look. ‘They don't know what they're saying. Anyway, we were talking about Bina.'

‘Maybe we shouldn't,' Bina said. ‘I saw Max
and…' Bina saw Max? Since when? And why? Kate thought of all the e-mails Max had forwarded to her. She hoped that Max hadn't shared them with Bina.

‘Oh, everything is going to work out fine,' Bunny said, and she put her arm around Elliot. It seemed to Kate that the group had adopted Elliot and Brice as girlfriends in drag.

‘She's got Dumping Billy on her side,' Barbie said.

‘He hasn't dumped you yet though, has he?' Bev asked Bina.

‘No. Not yet. But I'm really looking forward to it,' Bina said, obviously uncomfortable.

‘Well, it's been a long time – for him,' Barbie pointed out.

‘According to Elliot's theory, that makes sense,' Barbie said.

‘No. Actually, it doesn't. This whole thing doesn't make sense and it's making me crazy,' Kate told the women. She was feeling more and more upset. Somehow everything seemed wrong: her with Michael, Bina with Billy, Jack with a bevy of foreign beauties, Steven calling her from out of the blue. It seemed at that moment as if it was more than a French farce. It seemed as if life itself was being wicked and unmanageable. Looking at Bina and feeling for herself, tears sprang to Kate's eyes.

Kate took a piece of the shower cake to comfort herself.

‘Oh, well, it has to be at least two months or else it doesn't work, but I am a little uncomfortable,' Bina admitted.

Bev put her hand on the back of the chair in order to help herself up. ‘Honey, you've got to go on about as long as I do. And you don't have any idea what uncomfortable is until you are pregnant in the summer. You CANNOT give up now,' Bev said matter-of-factly.

‘Stay the course,' Barbie advised Bina.

‘A million points of light,' Bev added, though why or what the reference meant in this case seemed very obscure.

‘I think it was only a thousand, and Bina's on nine hundred and ninety-nine,' Kate said.

‘Right, Billy can't last much longer,' Barbie said. ‘You're not his type.'

‘Oh no? He's asked me to the Hamptons this weekend,' Bina said without enthusiasm.

Kate could tell her friend was in a strange mood, but even Mrs Horowitz didn't seem to notice.

The Bitches squealed with delight, wisecracked, elbowed and laughed to each other.

‘What's so funny?' Bina demanded.

‘What you don't know about men could fill a library,' Bev said.

‘A big one. A Manhattan one,' Bunny added.

‘What don't I know?' Bina asked.

‘Bina, honey, this will be the end. Men like Billy freak out after a weekend alone with a woman,' Barbie said. ‘He's sure to drop you after that.'

‘But then why would he ask me?' Bina did look really upset. Kate wondered again if Bina was falling for that self-centered idiot. ‘It wasn't my idea.'

‘That's the point,' Bunny told her.

‘They like the idea of intimacy…' Bev began.

‘…But the reality is they freak out because of all the one-on-one time,' Barbie continued.

‘Really, Bina. Go to the Hamptons and you are as good as dumped,' Bunny assured Bina.

‘I don't know, it seems like false pretense,' Bina told them.

‘Maybe it is but you can't turn back now,' Bev said as she walked to the table of refreshments.

Bina had been juggling her plate of food on her lap and suddenly lost control of it. The entire thing fell down her dress and onto the floor. The Bitches fell silent and stared at her.

Kate had felt something was wrong with Bina's behavior since they'd arrived, and now, as if to confirm that instead of clearing up the mess, Bina took Kate's hand and began to pull her down the hall. ‘I have to talk to you,' she whispered loudly.

‘Wait a minute,' Kate said and put down her glass of red wine, afraid that a spill would turn the carpet an irrevocable purple. Bina pulled her into the guest bedroom and sat down on the sofa bed piled high with coats.

‘I can't believe it, Katie,' Bina said, and her whisper had a sob in it now. ‘I'm so ashamed. I
never thought…I could never believe that I…Ohmigod, Jack.'

Kate had no idea what Bina was going on about but she was upset to see her so upset. And in a different way from her usual innocent hysteria. ‘What
is
it, Bina?' she demanded.

‘If my mother knew…oh Katie! I cheated on Jack.'

‘Bina, a few dates doesn't mean…'

‘No. I mean I really did. I had sex. I mean the whole thing. And it was…wonderful.' As Bina burst into tears Kate felt the room and the noise of the party receding.

This new information, this sexual misadventure of Bina's, was exactly what Kate had been afraid of. She felt herself becoming angry but wasn't sure who she was angry at or with. Elliot should never have proposed this, Kate should never have allowed it, Bina shouldn't have fallen for Billy's empty charm, and, Kate admitted to herself, she was most angry that Billy in true Lothario fashion had taken advantage of Bina's inexperience. What had she done? She and Elliot and the Bitches had interfered in Bina's life, and the results were this: a girl awash in guilt and tears and confusion. Hadn't they all succeeded in ruining Bina's loyalty and single-minded devotion? Perhaps it was a bad thing, to count on one man to come through for you and to believe that there was nobody else. Still, Bina should have been left to make her own choices; setting her up with a man like Billy Nolan
was sure to be her undoing. And now, what if she decided she loved him? What if after the heartbreak of Jack's desertion she was dumped again, as was inevitable? It would destroy her self-confidence. Kate didn't even want to imagine what Bina might do.