Unveiling The Sky (30 page)

I practically clawed at the table as I picked it up and ripped it open. My hands were shaking as I held it; I ended up having to set it on the table in order to read it.

Gabriel,

Wow. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. How am I supposed to fit a lifetime of advice and love in a simple letter? How am I supposed to leave knowing I’ll never meet your wife or hold your children? It seems impossible as I sit here and write this. Even with all the machines beeping around me and all the needles constantly being stuck in me, I still have this thought that this isn’t really happening. That ten years from now I’ll be sitting with a grandchild in my lap while you and your wife are out celebrating your anniversary, thinking about how I worried for nothing.
 

I still keep thinking I’ll be there to cheer for Sam on her graduation day and fluff her veil as she’s getting ready to walk down the aisle.
 

But deep down, I know I won’t. And it kills me.

Until you have a child of your own, you will never understand how much a parent loves a child. But I hope when you hold your child for the first time, you realize that what you feel for him or her is only a fraction of what I felt for you. You’ll love him or her right away, of course, but it’s a love that will grow beyond your wildest dreams.

You and Samantha are the best things that have ever happened to me. I know it’s not the most original thing to say, but it’s true. I only have one regret, and that is not having enough time with you two. There are many things that I wish were different, but I don’t regret anything else. I only believe in regrets about the future, and wishes about the past. And I know that sounds odd because typically it’s the reverse, but consider this…

I wish you had a better father. I wish I could have found you a father to love you like you deserved. I wish I could go back and tell myself that blood isn’t always thicker than water; I fear that in trying to give you a “normal” life, I just made things worse. And I will forever wish the situation were different. But I don’t regret it. I can’t. Because making those choices brought me Samantha, and I will never regret her. And if at any point before I had you I regretted something, then I might not have been given you, and I will never regret you either.

Ultimately it’s irrelevant, because regrets and wishes aren’t tangible things. But I hope you realize that if you get something amazing out of this life, like I got you and Sam, then you should have no regrets about your past. Because any and every bad thing led you to her.

You were forced to be the man of this family well before your time. But I couldn’t be prouder of the man you’ve become. I know this will change you and while it will be hard at first, ultimately I hope it’s for the better. I hope one day you can see how even this is meant to lead you to more. There is so much more for you in this life than what you’ve settled for. Don’t aim for simply being content, and don’t spend your life doing what makes others happy. You will never be as much as you can be if you let other people decide how much that is. You have to live for you and find what makes you over-the-moon happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. So…

I hope that each night you go to bed with a smile on your face.

I hope that laughter is the first thing you hear upon waking.

I hope your reality far surpasses your dreams.

I hope you give your heart away and never get it back.

I never got mine back. It was yours from the moment I found out about you. Sorry, I did have to break half off for your sister. But between the two of you you’ll keep it safe, won’t you? Until I see you again…

Love, Mom

I probably should have cared that silent tears were streaming down my face in the middle of a restaurant. But I didn’t. This letter was the greatest gift I’d ever gotten. To think you’ve lost someone, to think you’ll never hear their voice, see their smile, or feel their words again… and then to get a piece of it back? It was the best, and worst if I was being honest, feeling in the world.

I handed it to Sam, who seemed surprised by the gesture before grabbing and quickly scanning the page. Tears filled her eyes as well, but by the end she was smiling.

“She said
her
.”

“What?”

“Mom said, any and every bad thing led you to
her
.” She smiled knowingly as she handed it back to me, and I realized she was right.

“She talks about my future like it was never meant to be with Miranda or working for dad…” I trailed off, hoping Sam knew something about this. She looked sheepish as she shrugged and took a drink of water. “Why didn’t she say anything to me?”

“Because you were happy. She, and I, just thought you could be happier. But it never felt right to say anything.”

“You guys never liked Miranda, did you?”

“We were… indifferent toward her.”

I nodded my head. “Why was that? I noticed sometimes but I never asked—”

“You never asked because you never cared.” She paused and ate some of her salad before continuing. “I’m not saying you didn’t care about her, but you were never in love with her. Mom and I talked about it a couple of times, and she told me she was going to support you until you figured it out… or asked for her ring.” My eyes got wide and Sam chuckled. “Don’t worry, she said she would say something if it got to that point. Of course, Mom being Mom, she wouldn’t stand in your way if you still wanted to, but she would tell you all the things I’m telling you now.

“My point is, I know Dad thinks this is all just grief, but I never believed that. This is you finally figuring out what you want. It was exactly what Mom would have done, and I see so much of Mom in you now that sometimes it hurts. And I think Alara has given you that back. We all need certain people in our life. Some make sense, some don’t, and I don’t know where she falls, but I can just tell you need her.” She stopped suddenly like something just occurred to her. “So maybe you don’t need to understand her; maybe you just need to want to.”

For the second time since I met Gabe, I found him waiting for me at Caffeine IV. I had just entered and my eyes immediately landed on his in the corner. My jaw was slack with disbelief and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. “Be right with you!” Kath’s voice rang out even though I didn’t see her anywhere. Before she could appear, I motioned to the door and quickly turned around and walked out. As I waited for Gabe to follow me out, I watched a couple across the street walking hand in hand without a care in the world.

“Alara.”

I turned around and almost lost my breath at the tender expression on his face. “Hi.”

“Hey.” He looked down at the watch on his wrist before returning his attention to my face. “Not to sound like a stalker, but didn’t you say your last class gets out at three on Wednesdays?”

I smiled and thought back to our discussion on how I habitually came here for coffee every morning and then again for tea at the end of classes. “Yeah, I did. But we have an exam next week, so he held an extra review session directly after class today.”

He frowned as he looked at his watch. “Well unfortunately my shift starts in five minutes.” Gabe turned his head toward Pick Your Poison. “So I guess I’ll just call you later?”

My nerves were in full force as I stepped forward and looked toward the bar. “Maybe…” I swallowed and cleared my throat before continuing. “Maybe I could walk you over there?”

His answering smile was wide and bright. “Yeah. That’d be great.” He turned slightly and waited for me to join him, and although we weren’t touching I don’t think I had ever felt as close to another person.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Good.” I nodded absentmindedly as I kept my gaze forward.

Gabe sighed, and I could see him glance down at me as we walked. “I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t completely understand and I know there’s a lot I don’t know. But…”
 

“There’s definitely a lot to discuss.”
 

We walked in silence or a few minutes before he spoke again. “Do you see a therapist?”

“Wow, so we’re just diving right in, huh?” I laughed nervously.

He looked stricken, but before he could answer I spoke again. “I’m kidding. It’s fine. And to answer your question, no, I’m not seeing anyone and I know I probably should be, but…”

“But what?”

I fiddled with the strap of my purse and gestured to the fast-approaching bar. “Gabe, this isn’t really a discussion I want to have in public and with only two minutes to spare.”

He nodded immediately. “Right, of course.” He stopped, abruptly forcing my steps to falter as well. I looked over and found him staring straight ahead, seemingly at nothing when all of a sudden he turned fully toward me. “Will you come over tonight after I get off work?”

I thought about all my discussions with Naomi, about whether I really wanted to walk away before anything had even happened. Suddenly all the reasons I had for staying away flashed through the mind, all the people who walked away, and all the words said once I told someone the truth. But despite all that, there was only one answer I could give: “Yes.”

…

“You’re a sight for sore eyes,” Jackie said as she and Megan walked toward me. Megan was sluggish as she held her mom’s hand and dragged her toy dog behind her.

“I know, between school and… friends, it’s been a little crazy.” I smiled at my stumble over
friends,
but Jackie didn’t seem to notice. Megan gave me a tired smile as she dropped her mom’s hand and crawled onto my lap. I started rubbing circles on her back as I took in my sister’s ragged face. “You okay?”

She nodded before slumping down next to me and tucking some of her daughter’s hair behind her ear. “Yeah, I think Meg is coming down with something though.”

“Oh.” I frowned as I looked down at her. “Well we didn’t have to meet at the park today. I could have just come over to your place.”

“It’s okay, I have some errands to run anyways.”

“Do you want me to take her to my apartment? She could sleep and then you could pick her up when you’re done?” I offered.

Jackie hated to accept help. She could be on the ground bleeding from seven gunshot wounds, and she’d still insist she was fine and that she’d be able to fix herself up. So to say I was shocked when she accepted my help was the understatement of the year.

“It’d be a couple hours,” Jackie said as she stood and started organizing Meg’s bag. “She has a couple bags of treats in here. If she wakes up she can only have one bag, or a little of each if she can’t decide. There’s some juice in here too. Again only one, and I want her to brush her teeth after she drinks it—that’s all in here too.”

Megan stirred as I sat up and put her on the ground. Jackie squatted down in front of her and gave her a quick hug. “Okay, baby. Mommy’s got to do a couple things so you’re going to go to Aunt Alara’s, all right?” Megan turned around and beamed at me. “Be good for her, okay?” At her stern tone Megan turned around and nodded seriously.

“Okay, Mommy. Have fun. I love you. Can you buy me cookies?” she said in one long breath. Jackie laughed as she hugged her again, a little longer this time, and with a quick kiss to Megan’s forehead she told her she would.

Just as Jackie’s car was out of sight, Megan quickly turned around and grabbed my hand. “Hi.”

“Hi, honey.” I ruffled her hair before bending down to pick up her bag. “You okay going back to my apartment?”

She nodded quickly. “Is Mimi gonna be there?”

I shook my head. “She’s busy right now, sweetie.”

“Does she not want to see me?” I pulled on her hand so she would stop and then I knelt in front of her.

“Absolutely not. She loves you and always wants to see you.”

Only slightly pacified, she nodded her head, but stopped skipping and grew sluggish like before. Sighing, I pulled out my phone and tapped Naomi’s picture.

Me: Any chance you could come home for dinner instead of going to Caleb’s? I have Meg for the evening and she was asking for you.

Naomi: Of course she was. She knows Aunt Mimi is the best ;p I’ll be home in 30 xo.