Unveiling The Sky (33 page)

“Jesus Christ, Alara. You have no idea how absolutely stunning you look right now.” Her eyes never left mine as she slowly took me in her mouth again and gained speed, bringing her hand up to help once more. Just as the pressure rose to an almost unbearable peak and electricity shot through me, Alara’s hand dove under and she gently rolled my balls in her palm as she continued to move her mouth faster.

When the pleasure built to unbearable levels, I grabbed her shoulders and hauled her up, crushing my lips to hers as I came on our stomachs. All too soon she wrenched her mouth from mine and turned her head away, her heavy breaths falling on my shoulder.

My fingers lightly traced her spine as our breaths quieted and the room fell silent. She brought her hand to my shoulder and began tracing circles until I gripped it and kissed her palm. I hovered above her scar and gave it three more quick kisses before releasing it.

“It was an accident,” she whispered suddenly. My hands stilled and my body went rigid. “You never asked, but…” She trailed off as she moved away from me and wrapped the sheet around her.

I slowly sat up until my back was flush against the headboard. “Have you ever tried?” I asked around the lump in my throat. She immediately shook her head. I released the breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding, but my relief was short lived as I asked my next question. “Have you thought about?” This time Alara looked away, ashamed and afraid as she slowly nodded. It seemed surreal that only ten minutes ago I had a mind-blowing blow job and now we were talking about suicide.

“Not like with an actual plan or anything, I just used to think about the concept. I just wanted…” She paused and took a deep breath. Her shoulders caved in and she looked defeated as she picked at the sheet. “I wasn’t really sad. I know that’s what everyone thinks depression is. But it’s not, at least not for me. I mean, yeah, I got sad but I could usually see an end to it. I never felt like the sadness would kill me.”

“What did you think would kill you?” I asked in a strained voice.

“Apathy, when I looked at the future and couldn’t see anything. Nothing is worse than seeing nothing.” Her voice had drifted to an inaudible level by the time she finished.

I cleared my throat, forcing her heartbreakingly unsure gaze up. “You know, when my mom got sick and we were told it was terminal, I felt a little relieved. Not because she was sick, obviously, but because at least we knew. We knew how much time we had. We had answers. Some people don’t get that; they’re constantly wondering and getting their hopes up. But we knew and I thought, well at least we have time to prepare.” I shook my head and let out a humorless laugh. “But it didn’t really matter, because deep down I was still hoping. I heard all the doctors, read all the statistics, and saw all the scans… yet I still hoped she would get better.

“Because even when we tell ourselves we’re not hoping, we are. It’s human nature to hope, it’s an unconscious effort like breathing or blinking. Your body just needs it.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back as I thought of the phone call that told me I’d never see my mother again. When I heard Alara sniffle, my eyes flew open. “I’m just trying to say… I get it. I may not understand everything, but I understand what it’s like to completely lose hope in everything, even if for just a short period of time.”

She gave me a sad smile as she shuffled closer and wrapped an arm around my waist. I pulled her in closer and squeezed her to me like she might disappear if I didn’t have a tight hold.

“Will you tell me more?” I asked softly.

“More what?” she whispered against my chest.

“More about what it feels like.”

She was quiet for a moment before she placed a soft kiss above my heart and spoke. “It’s weird to explain. I know a lot of people always comment on how unexpected a suicide was, but I never really understood that. There’s no hard and fast deathblow that suddenly makes someone decide to do that. Depression… it kills you slowly. It gradually takes away all the things that mattered, it takes piece after piece and you don’t even notice until you’re nothing but a shell of who you were.
 

“So you feel hollow, but also completely weighed down, like there’s lead attached to your feet and you’re constantly being pulled under. And then suddenly you’ll be free. You’ll be weightless and it’s amazing, but inevitably you start thinking about when you’ll go under again. And so you sit and wait, you watch as it adds weight after weight until you’re back in that place that no one should ever have to experience.”
 

My heart broke as she continued, and I wanted to beg her to stop but I knew I couldn’t. I’d asked, and even if I didn’t
want
to hear, I
had
to hear because this girl had been silent for too long.

“It’s confusing and scary.” She stopped and sucked in a lungful of air when I felt the first tear fall. I held her tighter. “I feel like I don’t know who I am sometimes. And it’s so damn hard, because it’s in my brain and I never know what part of it is me and what part is this disease. I never know if I’m just this crazy, uncaring bitch or if it’s part of having depression. I don’t know,” she sobbed as a few more tears hit my skin. “And people don’t believe me. People tell me I want attention or that I’m just overreacting. People make me feel worse about this thing that is already so hard.

“They tell me I don’t need medication and that it’s just doing more harm than good, but I can’t b-believe that because h-honestly I feel
more
l-l-like myself when I’m taking it than I e-ever do when I’m n-not.” She stopped speaking as her tears won out and she cried harder against my chest. I gripped her arms and pulled her more firmly against me as she calmed herself down, and within a matter a minutes she was silent again and breathing deeply.
 

“But I never want to give up.” Her voice was raw when she spoke again, and she cleared it before continuing once more. “Every time I have an episode, it makes me want to work harder, be better, love more, laugh more, and be grateful for the simple things in life.” Relief coursed through me, and I didn’t realize how terrifying this conversation had been until she said those words. I dropped a kiss on her temple as I rubbed her lower back.
 

“Sometimes it’s as simple as seeing an old couple holding hands. I don’t even need to know them to know they have had struggles to overcome. Life has not always been easy for them. They have lost someone they loved, probably more than one someone. They have cried. I don’t doubt it for a second. And even though I never saw their heartache and I don’t know the particulars, I know that happiness isn’t all they’ve seen, despite the happy pictures I see now. But they’ve survived. They’re walking down the street, smiling like they’ve never had troubles and holding hands like they’ve done it a million times, like it’s as natural as breathing. And I have hope that I can have that someday.”

She pushed off my chest and leaned up to look down at me. “This thing sucks, Gabe. But it’s not always clouds and sadness and pills and pain. I know for a long time I let it define me, but I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to tell people I have depression and that be the only thing they see, as if it that’s the only thing that makes me who I am. It’s not. I didn’t tell you all that to freak you out or make you think that’s how it is for me all the time, because it’s really not. I haven’t felt most of that for over nine months. You asked and I thought you deserved to know, but—”

“That’s not all you are,” I finished for her as I placed my fingers over her soft, pink lips. She smiled against them and gave them a kiss before I lowered them.

“Yeah.” She worried her lip as her smile was replaced with a slight grimace. I only saw it for a second before she laid her head against my chest again, hiding her face. “Can I ask you a question now?”
 

“Yeah?” I mumbled against her hair as I breathed her in.

“How do you know you’re not going to change your mind? That you’re not going to decide my problems aren’t worth it if someone less damaged comes along?” she asked softly. There was no trace of insecurity, but I did hear the catch in her voice.

“Someone less damaged? There’s no such thing, you just said so yourself. Everyone faces struggles, and even if there were someone out there that doesn’t, I wouldn’t want her. I want you.” I pulled back when I felt wetness on my chest again. But this time as I wiped away the few fallen tears, they looked more like relief than sadness. “I’d take your tears over someone else’s smile any day. I just want to be wherever you are. Even if that’s crying on the bathroom floor.”
 

She gave me a genuine smile and nodded before placing a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. “Thank you.”
 

I looked down at her left hand, to the scar she had been unconsciously rubbing, and took it in mine. “And this scar doesn’t make you damaged. It’s proof of living—and we’ve all got them—we just can’t always see them.”

We had been lying in each other’s arms for about thirty minutes when she spoke again. “I’m really, really happy, Gabe.”

I laughed because despite our previous conversation, I’d never felt lighter. “Does that have something to do with me?”

“Nope,” she said on a laugh as she lifted her head to look at me. I stuck my bottom lip out in a fake pout. Her laughter faded but her soft smile remained as she brushed her fingers over my lips. “It has
everything
to do with you.”

…

We spent the afternoon relaxing on the couch, and it was about one o’clock when Derek finally wandered out of his room. Mumbling a hello, he walked into the kitchen, returning moments later with painkillers and a bottle of water.

He groaned as he looked over at us before tossing back the pills. “Sherry’s right, you guys are nauseating,” he said before returning to his room.

Alara shrugged as she began combing her fingers through my hair. We had finally gotten out of bed two hours ago and decided just to hang around the apartment and watch TV. She was sitting on the far end of the couch while I was laying down with my head resting on a pillow in her lap. It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving and as a commercial for the Macy’s Day Parade came on, a thought occurred to me.

“Where are your parents?” I asked.

She frowned as she looked down at me. “What do you mean? They’re at home…”

“Yeah, but where’s home? You never really talk about them.”

“Oh, they live in northern California. We grew up here, in Carillo, but once I started college they moved up there for my dad’s work.”

“You’re not close? I know you talked about your dad a little…”

She gave me a sad smile as her fingers started applying more pressure, gently rubbing circles into my temples, causing her smile to slip from my sight as my eyes closed. “We haven’t been close in recent years, no. But it’s just been a matter of how busy we all are. Dad’s working on a grant right now and Mom has been trying to open her own clothing boutique. We’re not on bad terms or anything, but unfortunately we just haven’t had time…” Her fingers stopped, forcing my eyes open. “God, that must sound horrible to you.”

I shook my head and grabbed her hand. “It makes me sad, but I understand. I was that way right up until my mom got sick. I think we’re all like that at some point. I don’t think you’re horrible.”

Alara bent down to kiss my lips right as the door swung open and Naomi came charging in. She smirked when she saw us and hollered for Derek.

“Christ, Naomi. I’m hungover as fuck, could you keep your fucking voice down?” Derek grumbled as he came out.

She shrugged and said, “Sorry.” Not looking or sounding sorry in the least. “I hope you two don’t think you’ll be doing that shit all day.” She waved in our direction. “I’m all caught up on homework and Derek and Gabe have today off, which means it’s an all day Sunday Funday.” She laughed as she animatedly rubbed her hands together with glee.

Alara frowned. “What about Sherry?”

“She can’t make it tonight.”

“She’s okay, though?” When Naomi nodded and told us that Sherry was attending a special lecture presented by the medical school, Alara relaxed and looked down at me. “What about Sam? Do you think she’d want to come?”

She said it so casually, and I couldn’t help the goofy grin that took over my face. Regretfully, I sat up and Alara’s hands fell from my hair. I pulled my phone out and sent Sam a text before wrapping my arm around Alara’s shoulders and kissing her temple.

“I’m too hungover to do anything, Naomi,” Derek said as he padded back toward his room.

“We’re going to the State Fair!” Naomi announced and started clapping. Derek paused and pivoted around right as my phone vibrated with an incoming message.

Sam: Darn. I wish I could but I have a study group today :/

Me: :(

“Unfortunately, Sam can’t come.”

Alara frowned and Naomi booed.

“You really are a child,” Derek muttered, but he looked a little down about it too. I closed my eyes as the two of them started bickering and Alara leaned into my chest.

“You good?” she asked, and I think she was just talking about the fair. But when I nodded in response, I was talking about so much more.