Unsound: A Horizons Book (5 page)

I don't remember nodding off but it must have been very early in the morning when I pulled myself off the bathroom floor. I splashed cold water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was greasy, my eyes were bloodshot and I now had bags on top of the dark circles under my eyes. My skin still had a weird grey-green tinge to it.
How did I get here?

I walked to my bed and crawled in, praying for sleep.

JONATHAN

"She was puking all night. She didn't leave the bathroom until this morning, I heard her," Marie told the group.

"Marie, shut up," Michelle hissed. If there was one thing I knew Michelle hated, it was gossip.

"I was like that my first couple of nights here also," Anthony informed her.

"I think all of us were, except for you," I nodded pointedly at Marie, "where is she anyway?"

"We let her sleep in, we thought she might be tired," Marie said, as if it were her idea. My words had bitten her and she didn't want me to think she was jealous or petty.
Too late.

"I'm going to get her," Michelle said, failing to suppress an eye roll in Marie's direction.

"Don't," I said, "maybe she should sleep. It's not going to be easy for her to get up and do anything."

"I know, but…"

"You're not breaking any rules," Jason said, agreeing with me. Michelle remained seated.

When Jeff came over, he said it was okay to let Julie lay low for a day or so. She had been into hard drugs, and her body was going through a serious shock.

Michelle tried to bring her food all day, but nothing stayed down until that evening. Finally Julie was able to get some water in her system and sleep a little while without waking up to vomit.

*  *  *

The next morning, the group was sitting around the table again. It was eight A.M. and Michelle really wanted Julie to eat something, "I think I'm going to bring her some toast now that the puking has stopped."

"Don't bother," Jason said, "she's here."

We turned our gazes to look at the girl who entered the mess hall. Many of the male students and some girls from different groups did the same.

Even with her hair pulled back and no makeup, Julie was stunning. She wandered through the food line and came to the table empty handed. She practically collapsed into an empty seat next to Jason.

"You okay?" Michelle asked.

Julie lifted her head up and pushed her shades up a little to look at Michelle and me, eyes barely open, "It's eight o'clock. A.M. I forgot there was an eight o'clock in the A.M. Why is there no coffee? Nothing with caffeine... soda, tea, nothing," she yawned and closed her eyes as she rested her head on her hand.

"Caffeine's mood altering," Jason said.

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Julie mumbled into her hand.

"Just another addiction to kick, basically it's just another drug," Jason answered.

"Oh, great," Julie commented with a pout.

"Great, you're all here!" Jeff said with a loud clap. Julie made sure to remove her sunglasses in order to glare up at Jeff. He just gave her an extra wide smile.

"I'd like to introduce you all to Lena," Jeff said, this time at a softer volume, "she's here to meet all of you, see the school… see if this is the right fit."

Jeff prompted Lena forward with a touch to her lower back. She took a deep breath to talk. A seal-like cough came out instead of words causing a flush to appear at the base of her neck.

"Hi guys, sorry, I'm a little nervous," she started, causing her flush to turn from pink to red. I didn't know if she was nervous meeting us, or nervous being so close to Jeff. He was standing almost possessively close to her.

"We don't bite," Jason said with a wink.

Michelle rolled her eyes, "Where are you from?" she asked Lena.

"From the area, actually. Grew up on the Yakama Indian Reservation," she stated.

"That's so cool!" Michelle said. At the nursing home, there were a few Native American patients she visited with. She was intrigued by the culture and the lifestyle.

"You look a bit young," Julie challenged.

"I'm older than I look," Lena countered, "and besides my dual degree in psychology and education, I have experience with facilities like this too. I've been working at one in Yakima County. It's the same one I attended during high school."

"What for?" Jason asked.

"Maybe we can discuss that soon, when we all get better acquainted," Lena enticed.

"I'd love to discuss it over coffee," Julie growled under her breath.

"What was that, Julie?" Jeff asked, his voice still raised to an almost obnoxious level. Julie's response was just to glare at him. It was adorable, and I had to stop watching her.

After a little more small talk, Jeff and Lena left the table. We all started to get up shortly after since we were joining another class in the interim.

*  *  *

A few days later, I pulled Michelle aside as we walked to class. I was confused. The girls said Julie stopped throwing up but I could tell she wasn't sleeping. She looked exhausted.

"I think she has night terrors," Michelle answered my questions quietly.

"Night terrors?" I parroted. Michelle felt guilty because she had yet to discuss the nightmares with Julie, but I asked out of concern.

"She wakes up multiple times a night screaming, sweating, shaking…crying."

I stopped walking, and though Michelle stopped as well, she wouldn't meet my eyes. I swallowed a few times before I could speak.

"What does she cry about, what is she screaming out?"

Michelle looked around us, making sure no one was listening and finally, briefly looked into my eyes, "'
Stop
.' '
Please
.' '
No
.' Variations on that. She's always trembling. Sometimes she's holding her face, her cheek, her head. Sometimes she still throws up. Sometimes she gets in the shower and stays until the water runs cold.

"Once she wakes up from one, she tries her hardest not to fall back asleep. I don't know what happened to her, but she's definitely gone through something traumatic. There's no other explanation when you have night terrors like that."

I looked at Michelle, and I heard her words, but I couldn't piece together any thoughts. I didn't know what to say so I nodded and tried to swallow the uncomfortable lump in my throat.

"Thanks for letting me know, Michelle. You know I won't say anything. She just, I don't know. She looks like she's having a harder time than I remember having."

"Some people go through worse things," Michelle responded with a shrug, "guess it's our job to make sure she's strong enough to get through it all."

"Yeah," I responded lamely as we turned and finished the walk to class.

Julie

The nightmares had to stop. I was exhausted and didn't know how much more of this I could take. I had taken to sitting by the phone in the loft. No one bothered me up there during the day. I went back and forth between contemplating calling my mother, and expecting her to call me.

I didn't believe that she was going to keep me here—living in this nightmare.

Everywhere around me people were talking about their feelings, working through their feelings, having feelings. I hated the word feelings. I didn't want to feel. That's why I did drugs.

I didn't want to get to know my group. Well, that's not entirely true. I would have liked to get to know Jon, but in a no words necessary kind of way. I rolled my eyes internally. That's what got me into this mess. Being a whore. It wasn't something I was particularly proud of, obviously. It was just another consequence of my fucked up childhood.

How could my mom just abandon me and send me away. It didn't matter how much it cost for me to be here, it wasn't about that. Throwing money at the situation didn't change what happened to me in California. I wish I had something to slow down my mind. I just wanted to stop thinking. Thinking made me feel and I hated to feel.

I didn't even have classes to take my mind off of anything. Jeff mentioned some Janice bitch who up and left. Obviously. That's what people did. They up and left or died and left you alone. No one was permanent. This place wasn't permanent. I really didn't want to get to know these people I was living with. Eventually we would all go our separate ways anyway.

I didn't belong here. I wanted to go home.

I had an image of my bedroom in my mother's house. I shuddered and felt my hands start to tremble again. I look a few deep breaths to calm myself when I heard a voice behind me.

"Hey," it was Jonathan. And I think he gave me a heart attack.

"What the hell?" I said with a hand over my beating heart. I thought it was going to beat out of my chest.

"Sorry—I didn't mean to sneak up on you," he said with a smirk. I scowled back.
This fucker thinks it's funny he scared me.

"Yeah well, how does someone your size move so quietly anyway. Doesn't make sense."

"Football drills," Jon shrugged as he relaxed back into an armchair across from me.

I rolled my eyes.

"Oh okay, All-American. What do you want?" I asked.

"Sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting something," Jon tossed back at me.
He doesn't look too sorry with that smirk on his face.

"Well you are, hours of moping are best done alone," I responded, training my face to look bored.

"Why're you moping around? When I was in your shoes, I was planning my escape," Jon said.

"Can't plan an escape when you have nowhere to run to," I responded quietly, surprising myself with the truth. I couldn't believe I admitted that to a stranger. I looked away from him and down at my hands wishing I had a book or something to feign interest in.

"We're all hanging out outside, I just wanted to see if you wanted to join us," Jon said, ignoring my comment. I looked back up at him. His face didn't give anything away. I didn't see pity or shame or anything in his eyes—kindness maybe, whatever that looked like.

"I'm good, thanks. Maybe later," I said, standing up. As much as I wanted to keep myself busy and keep my thoughts at bay, I wasn't ready to be around people. That could take more energy than I currently had.

"Sure," Jon responded, standing too. He moved passed me and started down the stairs without another word. And I hate to say that he moved both silently and gracefully.

I went back to the empty cabin to lie down in bed and try once again to sleep.

JONATHAN

Julie was like that for days, moping around and not talking much. Occasionally she would sit with us in the common room, but she barely talked. When we met her that first night, I was sure that she would want to be the center of attention at all times. Her attitude now showed her to be completely introverted, or maybe she was just studying us. I couldn't tell.

Jeff told us to give her space and let her adjust. He mentioned something called post-acute withdrawal symptoms. It was the next wave of detox and generally an emotional reaction. I'm sure it was some post-acute depression talking, but I wanted to know more about her comment—having nowhere to run. She mentioned her mom and a sister. That seemed like a place to me. I figured that's what she was moping around for.

I empathized. I was angry as hell when my dad dropped me off. I could only assume she felt abandoned or something. That had to be worse; at least anger was something controllable. Anger could be willed away. Sadness wasn't so easy. Sadness, heartache, those were emotions that stuck. That's why I didn't let them in.

"Julie, you're up," Jeff announced at the beginning of Monday's class. Enough time passed that Julie had mandatory attendance in activities, but she still hadn't made it a point to join in. Supposedly she flat-out refused to contribute at her therapy session that morning and Jeff had clearly reached the end of his rope.

Everyone felt that Lena was worth a shot, so the Mountain Climber group was out in a clearing in the woods for class. It was a trust therapy class, normally shared with another group. This time, the Mountain Climbers were solo, in order to bond.

"Yeah, I don't know about that," said Julie lazily, sitting behind the rest of us with her back resting on a tree.

"I do," Jeff said with a sharpness to his voice, "enough's enough. I've given you plenty of time to adjust. Now the time has come for you to join in."

Reluctantly Julie stood up but she didn't quite join the group; she looked up at the unsteady wooden structure in the center of the clearing. Trust therapy. Learning to trust those around you one step at a time.

"You're not going to have to climb up that one yet," I heard Anthony whisper quietly to Julie.

"I know that," she said to him although I saw her shoulders slump with relief to have that precious piece of information.

"You'll start with a few trust falls. Work your way up from being on the bottom position, which is one foot off the ground; you'll start climbing to the higher platforms in a couple of weeks," he told her.