Unsound: A Horizons Book (37 page)

"Thank you for saying all of that," I whispered. I was still speechless, "everything you said... It was beautiful. Thank you."

"That's all you have to say?" Jon asked. His feelings for me had clearly morphed but he still held onto his quick flash temper. I smiled. 

"Jon, I missed you too," I said, lightly placing my hand on his cheek. His face pressed into my palm and his eyes closed in contentment. I smiled wider. Jon was big and strong but he was such a little boy deep down. 

"You said so much. It was so beautiful but can I sleep on it? I have some stuff to say to you too. But I'm so tired and I need some time to think a bit."

Jon nodded, "can I walk you back?"

"Of course," I responded. 

We both stood and Jon took my hand in his. I missed him. It felt good to touch him again. It was like coming home after a long trip. It was comforting and just felt right. 

 We walked in silence back to my cabin but it wasn't uncomfortable. At least not for me. As we stopped outside the door and I looked up at him, I wished I could tell him more. 

"Thanks for walking me back," I said quietly. I looked up at Jon and wrapped my arms around Jon's waist. He pulled me tight against him and I buried my head into his chest.
Home. 
The word kept flashing in my mind. That's what Jon was. That's what everyone was. That's why I couldn't tell him everything in that moment. I wasn't ashamed anymore but it was about more than me and him. In order to heal, I had to share everything with everyone, even Marie.  

*   *   *

The morning came too soon, but I was up early, ready to get this over with. When we got to our group therapy session and after we listed to Jeff and Lena, I opted to go first.

I had it scripted out in my mind so I just jumped right in. I started from the beginning. I told everyone about my dad getting sick and dying. I told them about my mother remarrying Ronnie. I told them about how he was and the realizations I’d had in Virginia about my mother’s jealousy. I didn’t stop. I plowed through. I needed to get it all out once and for all. I didn’t want my past to be a part of me anymore.

"I won't dance anymore. He took that away from me too. Dancing was something that brought me joy but also something my dad loved. Ronnie ruined it. He tainted it with his encouragement. Jon, I told you about my first boyfriend. The one who raped me. Ronnie hated him. I mean, the guy ended up being a complete asshole so he hated him rightfully. But still. It's almost like he knew it was about to happen. He got to me a couple weeks before Justin did. I wasn't able to tell Justin. Then he drugged me and raped me. And I almost thought that wasn't so bad. At least I couldn't remember it. It all happened so quickly. I turned 15, Ronnie was coming into my room regularly, and I was introduced to drugs.”

I finished with some of the worst tales about my time living on the streets. I admitted how easily it was to becoming a hooker and how it was easier to use harder and more available drugs to forget it all. Every story and every chapter of my life was closing as I talked about it. Soon I would be able to start a brand new book and put the sad tale on the bookshelf. It was over. New was new and new was the future. I would control it and take care of it and make everything of it that I possible could have.

No one spoke when I finished and I looked down at my hands.

“Jules?” Jon said so quietly it was almost a whisper.

“Yeah?” I said, not looking up. He waited until I looked at him, an annoyed glare crossing over my face.

“Thank you for sharing that with me. Well, with everyone. But I want this one for me. I forced you before, to talk about everything and I couldn’t handle it all and I’m so sorry for that. I will never forgive myself for that. But I hope that you can forgive me, eventually.

“What happened to me being a whore?”

JON

I let out a hiss of breath.

“I was fucked up and wrong. I didn’t want to understand. I wanted to shut down and push you away.  Nothing that you did on your own was your fault.  I know you were scared and alone and had nowhere else to turn. I know you were hurting and lonely and I’m just so sorry that I ever called you that. I’m sorry that I didn’t just accept you for everything I know you to be.”

I wasn’t embarrassed and I didn’t care that everyone was sitting there listening to me speak so candidly about my feelings for Julie. I loved her and I didn’t care.

“You’re the most caring person I’ve ever met. You’ve always put others before you. You truthfully care for all of us. And that’s why I’m so thankful you finally shared everything not just with me, but with all of us. You’re not alone anymore. You have me to share all your hardships with. You don’t have to carry all of that with you forever. It’s mine now too.

“It’s all of ours,” Tony and Chris added at the same time. Julie let out a laugh but I could see the shine of tears in her eyes.

I walked over and knelt in front of her chair. We were in a circle with Jeff and Lena, but I didn’t care if I could get in trouble. I cupped Julie’s face and looked her in the eyes.

“I love you,” I whispered, only for her, “and I won’t ever stop.” Julie closed her eyes and let the tears fall. I brought her face close enough to kiss each of her eyelids, kissing the tears away before I kissed her mouth.

Julie kissed me back earnestly. Her hands reached around the back of my neck and pulled me closer. My body had missed her so much, and I knew hers missed mine the same way. I forgot about everyone in the group. I wedged Julie’s legs apart and crawled in between them. I reached down and pulled her hips so she came forward enough in her chair to wrap her legs around my waist. All I could think about was her skin, her lips, her warmth.

Jeff cleared his throat loudly and I froze.

Julie and I looked at each other with wide eyes for a moment before bursting out with laughter.

“Sorry, Jeff!” she said quickly, pushing me backwards away from her. I got up from the floor, kissed her cheek quickly and went back to my seat. Even though I was across from her, it was too far. Nothing was going to keep up apart anymore.

Mindy

Our group therapy session had already started with a bang. Now that Jon and Julie were sorted, the news to follow was Michelle’s. She was ready to fly the coop and was moving shortly after her birthday.

Michelle had told us all about the meeting and the sober house. She told us about her visit with Jason to the community college and how exciting everything was to her.

Something didn’t sit well with me. I looked over at Jason but couldn’t get a read on his expression. This was clearly a coming-to-Jesus for all of us.

When Michelle winded down, I raised my hand. I wanted some answers of my own.

“Is that’s why you were scared I wouldn’t come back?” I asked, looking directly at Jason, “Cause you had the opportunity to leave?”

“I wouldn’t exactly say it was an opportunity. More like, an information session,” he evaded.

I looked at him and knew my expression spoke for itself.

“I’m not ready to leave, Davies,” Jason said with a sigh, “this isn’t about you. I didn’t know that I had options before. I mean, I guess Michelle didn’t know either, but she’s taken it differently. She was ready to leave. She has someone out there in the real world. She’s ready to re-enter it. She’s been here longer than me.

“Now that I know about this opportunity, maybe it’s something I’ll consider for the future. But I don’t know when that future is going to be.”

“Ok,” I said quietly. He only said it once, but that was enough. His decision to not move on didn’t fall on me. Was I naïve enough to believe that was entirely true? No. But it was enough of a reassurance for now. And now I could help push him to the realization sooner. He shouldn’t expect to stay here until I graduated. He had to figure out his own life. And when he was ready to leave, he should. That decision couldn’t be based on me.

“I think you’re more ready than you think, Jay,” I said quietly.

Jeff barked a laugh, “told you, man.” Jason glared at him. I stored that exchange in the back of my brain to ask him about later.

All too soon it was lunchtime and we ended our session with more tears and hugs and apologies but a feeling of finality. We weren’t going to be a group much longer and the threat of change lingered in the air between us all.

EPILOGUE

Julie

We watched as Evan drove Michelle down the driveway and away from Horizons. In that moment we knew that a huge change was upon all of us. I was scared but I was also anxious and excited and possibly a touch of jealous towards Michelle. 

She was about to start this huge next step and I couldn't wait for that to be me. 

The night before we had a joint birthday for Michelle and Jason turning eighteen. I couldn’t help but think that Jason would be the next to go. As for me and Jon, I didn’t know what the future held for us, but we had to start thinking about it really soon. The idea was exciting and scary and I loved it.

I felt Jon's arm wrap around my waist and pull me into his side. The anxiety and fright left me immediately. That simple gesture reminded me that no matter what, Jon would be by my side. I reached down and interlaced the fingers of my hand with his. It always amazed me how big and strong his hands were. Protective. I knew that I could always take care of myself, but I finally had people on my side to take some of that weight off of me. 

Yes, this was a new start for all of us.