Unsound: A Horizons Book (27 page)

“What?” he asked, not understanding what was happening but trying to keep his temper in check all the same.

I looked around and saw that every Mountain Climber watched the interaction. I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. This shouldn’t have been the time or place or mindset for this conversation. Julie was doing this on purpose and I knew this was going to end badly.

“I just don’t want to talk to you right now. Maybe later or something,” she stated with finality as she got up, walked down the stairs and outside. Jon stared after. A little amazed at what had just happened.

“Julie,” Jon called after his girlfriend, following her out of the building after he regained consciousness, “what the hell was that?”

The rest of us quickly yet stealthily followed them out to continue eavesdropping.

“What, I’m not allowed to not want to talk to you?” she asked without stopping or turning around, “Get over it! Since when do you control me?”

“Julie!” he demanded, anger finally crashing through. The tone of his voice caused Julie to pause for a moment, “What the fuck is going on?”

“Jon, leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now, can’t you just drop it? You’re acting like such a baby.”

Jon and Julie weren’t aware that we migrated outside to listen to the argument; Julie wouldn’t turn around to look at Jon. She was too scared to meet his eyes.

“No, I won’t drop it. I want to know what the hell is going on and what the hell your problem is. Now.”

“Fine! You want to know so badly?” Julie turned around finally. I don't think she noticed us watching this unfold since her eyes were trained on his shoulder, “Did you ever think that when I was on the streets, I had to live? I had to eat? I needed a place to stay? I was gone for seven months, Jon. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what I had to do to survive.

“Well, Harry came along. You know, he's not
actually
my cousin if you couldn't figure that one out. He put me up, he helped me out, but… it came at a price, Jon.

"You’re looking a little stunned there Johnny Boy, you want me to spell it out?” Julie was taunting him. She wanted Jon to hurt the way she hurt. She didn’t stop long enough for Jon to answer, “Yup, you’re pretty little girlfriend right here was a prostitute. Turning tricks and giving most of my money to that creep Harry. He beat the shit out of me occasionally but gave me access to so many drugs I could forget all the pain.

“Are you fucking satisfied now, Jon? Do you know all you needed to know? Do you see now why I’ve been avoiding you? I've tried to forget the plethora of men I fucked for a few dollars and another hit but you demanded the answers Jon, so here we are! Are we done now, cause I think it’s safe to say we are.”

Julie spun around and walked calmly to the cabin. I followed at a distance, knowing she would want to be alone but worried about her all the same.

I watched her slowly close the door behind her. By the time I entered the cabin she was in the bathroom throwing up. I could hear her crying so hard between heaves. I heard the shower turn on and allowed myself to sneak back out of the cabin. She was okay for now. She didn’t need to know that someone knew how vulnerable she was at that moment.

Julie

I couldn’t figure out what happened. I didn’t know why I did that, why I lashed out. I wanted to push Jon away, but there had to be a better way to do it. It was like something had taken over my body and once I started, I couldn't end it.

I was blank and empty inside. I ruined it on purpose. I exposed myself out of spite and anger to push Jon away. And now I was more lost than I was before.

I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and stepped inside, still sobbing. I willed the water to burn off what just happened and turn back time, but I had been around the block enough times to know what reality was, and what wasn’t. I'd made my bed and now it was time to sleep in it.

JONATHAN

I stood alone in the same spot. I didn’t know what else to do, I couldn’t move. I felt sick. The image of Julie as a prostitute took residence in my brain. I couldn’t believe I had ever had feelings for a person like Julie.

The Mountain Climber audience split up for their perspective cabins and left me alone with my thoughts.

No one knew how long I stood out there.

CHAPTER NINE

“
Always trust your gut feelings,

as they never lie the way people do
.”

Lena

It was oddly warm for the beginning of March. Especially for Washington. All the Mountain Climbers besides Julie sat outside, enjoying the odd spell of sunshine. I walked up to them with a smile although it made me sad to see the absence of Julie once again.

It had been weeks since her fight with Jon but Julie was still laying low and spending her free time alone in bed. She seemed to be trying to make herself invisible. That was a hard feat for a girl who looked like her.

Julie wouldn’t talk to anyone, even Mindy. I had asked.

During meals, she sat and shuffled food around. I started to monitor since she had a history with anorexia, but her eating disorder wasn’t coming back. She was just sad with no appetite.

The entire school knew about her past now. All of her carefully guarded secrets were out for anyone and everyone to judge. It was a huge dent in her hard steel armor.

“Hey guys, I have some exciting news for you. We know that you’re all at different points in your treatment, but next weekend is Parents Weekend and we have been able to work with all of your parents on visits according to your level here.”

“I don’t get it—” Tony interrupted.

“Okay, well you’re the perfect example, you’ve been here for two and a half              years, you’re doing great in classes, you’re able to go off campus with your parents for a day trip. Those of you who are a little newer to the campus, will have chaperoned visits on the grounds. All of you will have a family therapy session at one point or another. We just want to make it even and fair for everyone, and for everyone to see his or her parents."

“What about us special orphans,” Jason said with a smirk, “do we get anything special?”

“You actually have a visitor coming, smarty pants,” I said, matching Jay’s smirk. He looked back at me with a blank stare, which I ignored and turned to Michelle, “you too.

“We really have been working hard on this, guys. It’s gonna be great. Anyone know where Julie is?” I asked quietly.

“She’s not in the cabin?” Mindy asked.

“She wasn’t, no,” I contemplated, “when you see her, just let her know about next weekend. If she has questions, she can come find me or Jeff.”

Everyone nodded but remained silent. I glanced at Jon, but couldn’t read his expression.

“See you guys in class,” I walked away with a wave.

Julie

It had been a warm day (for the Pacific Northwest especially), and I was sick of being inside but still couldn’t face being around people voluntarily. I didn’t know how long I had been lying on my back in the woods, looking up through the leaves, but it was getting cold and the light was thinning. I didn’t want to get up yet, the only word I could think of was lethargic. I was sad, sure, but my mind was so empty—it almost felt like I was on something. But I wasn’t, because every now and again I felt that pain. The feeling of loss.

When that happened, I blanked my mind and willed it away. I couldn’t think about what happened with Jon. I couldn’t think about the void left behind. It was too much to process.

I heard a rustling off in the distance but paid it no mind. I knew there was nothing in these woods to hurt me. Then it came closer and turned into muffled footsteps on the forest floor mixed with male voices.

I didn’t know how close they were, voices carried in the empty woods, but I stayed cemented in place, willing myself not to move. As they approached, I could tell the voices belonged to Jon and Chris. My stomach jumped and I felt a surge of adrenaline, momentarily pushing away the sloth I felt.

“Jon, you have to stop fucking around and make up your mind. You’re actually hurting someone else in the process, dude,” Chris said.

“I told you, I needed time to think. And I think I made up my mind, Chris,” Jon responded. I didn’t know exactly what they were talking about, but the sinking feeling in my heart and in my stomach told me that I was the topic of convo.

“You can’t just break up with her Jon. She tells you the truth, granted not in the best way, but the girl fucking tells you the truth, and you dismiss her on that? You’re fucked up.”

Their voices had reached their crescendo as they moved passed the spot I lay and I willed them not to find me.

“It was different before!” Jon cut in, “this is all….”

“Dude, I don’t care what you think. You know it’s wrong. How could you demand the truth and then say, well! That’s too much for me to handle, see ya!”

“Chris, this has nothing to do with you. And the fact that you care so much is pissing me off."

"You mean the fact that I seem to care more about your girlfriends feelings than you do? Funny how..."

I couldn’t hear the end of Chris’s remark as their voices faded back to silence but it undoubtedly pissed Jon off. My blood pumped in my ears, making me lightheaded. The dam finally broke and the sadness finally flooded my body wiping away all numbness. I knew it would eventually.

Jason

Mindy and I had been studying in the cafeteria since dinner finished, “I need a break, Davies. I can’t concentrate on this shit anymore.”

I glanced at Mindy’s notebook and noticed there were as many doodles in the margins as notes on the page. She needed a break too.

“Ok,” Mindy said, putting her pen down and brushing her hair away from her face. I watched as she dropped her head back and slowly pulled her hair back into a ponytail. I suddenly wished that I could sleep with her like we used to back home. I missed those nights where I slept on her floor, the sound of her light breathing lulling me to sleep. Granted, I wouldn’t be able to sleep on the floor anymore.

I hated playing this slow game with Mindy, but I couldn’t move too fast or I’d scare her off. I had to settle for the slow but it took every ounce of self-control I had.

“What’s up?” Mindy asked. I realized that I’d zoned out when I noticed her staring at me.

“What do you think about Parent’s Weekend?” I asked. I figured it was something that had been on her mind since Lena told us.

“I don’t know,” Mindy said with a shrug. I knew Mindy and I know how introverted she was about certain topics. She would open up to me, but she had to do it on her own. She couldn’t be pushed.

“I’m nervous,” I admitted to her, “I have no idea who’s coming. I would have assumed no one.”

“I wish I had no one,” Mindy said quietly before looking at me in horror, “I’m sorry, Jay! I didn’t mean that.”

“No, don’t apologize,” I said. I knew the relationship she had with her parents; I knew what they did to her. Her words didn’t bother me and I would never blame her for her feelings. I stood and stretched before walking around the table and sliding on the booth next to Mindy, straddling it so I could face her.

Mindy shrugged again and avoided eye contact, “I don’t want to see them. I’m not…”

“You’re not ready,” I offered, sliding a hand on her thigh. I sensed Mindy tense, but I didn’t retract my hand. I wanted her to get used to my comfort, get used to the idea that I was there for her. I rubbed my thumb back and forth over her jeaned leg.

“You’re allowed to not want to see them. Why don’t you tell Jeff that? Or Lena? They can talk to them; tell them the truth or lie, whatever. But they’ll change it. They’ll tell them not to come.”

Mindy shook her head, “no,” she said with resolve, “If they want to come, who am I to say no?”

“You don’t have to be tough, you know. You don’t have to teach them a lesson. You’re allowed to just live and be happy and if staying away from them will do that….”

“I know,” Mindy cut me off defensively.

“Hey,” I said quietly, inching closer to Mindy. She turned my direction slightly and looked at me. I saw the hardness around her eyes melt away as she looked at me. My face was inches away from her. I knew we were alone, everyone already having given up on homework to relax in the common room.

Mindy looked at me with big eyes and I heard her breathing speed up. I cupped the back of her head and pulled her lips to mine. Our lips met and everything felt right. Mindy relaxed and melted into the kiss. I felt her hand move onto my thigh as she pressed into me, kissing me back with as much vigor as I kissed her.

I wished that I had done this year’s ago; this was how we were supposed to be. Friends wasn’t good enough, friends would never be enough for me again.

Julie

I looked over at the clock. I had an hour until class and I hadn’t been out of bed yet. I had to shower… it was a day or so since I’d had the energy. I hadn’t had an appetite but was forcing myself to eat so no one would ask questions. Unfortunately all that did was give fuel to my upchuck reflex.

Every emotion crashed over me in waves. I cried, then I got angry, then I hurt, and it always ended with throwing up, and more tears. I was empty. I felt betrayed, but I had to work on getting my armor back into shape. I hadn’t talked to anyone because I was scared to cry the second I opened my mouth, but I had to pull it together. Enough was enough and I was done grieving.

I walked to the shower and stepped in, the water felt good, it was refreshing to feel good about something again.

I turned the water off, wrung out my hair, and tied a towel around me. Then I did something uncharacteristic; I walked to the mirror and looked at myself.

I knew what I looked like; I knew I was pretty without having to try. But I didn’t look in the mirror for other reasons. I didn’t want to see myself, see the pain in my eyes. I didn’t want to see the places where the bruises used to be. Sometimes I still imagined a faint outline still marring my skin. Sometimes I could still smell the thick makeup I used to cake on my face to cover up the bruises.

A knock on the front door pulled me out of my head. I walked over to answer it and all the breath escaped me.

JONATHAN

“Hey,” I said. I hadn’t expected her to answer the door in just a towel.
This is going to seriously cloud my head
.

Julie didn’t say anything. She walked back into the cabin but didn’t close the door on me, which I took as an invitation to enter.

Julie gathered some clothes and escaped to the bathroom to dress. I was glad she disappeared from view so I could compose myself enough to say my peace.

I sat on a bed directly outside the bathroom. It was silent for a beat, but then I heard the sound of the towel drop on the floor. My blood pumped south as a reflex, my mind automatically envisioning her perfect body, naked.

“Listen, Julie,” I said, clearing my throat, “I know you haven’t been around much so I didn’t know if anyone let you know… Parents Week starts Thursday,” I paused, waiting for her to say something but only heard the rustle of clothes.

“I uh, well I’ve been here for a while, so I get a weekend visit partially off campus. I know I just had one, but my dad is coming up again. He wants to take you out to dinner with us… I don’t know. You don’t have to, I just wanted to extend the invite,” I was stammering. I didn’t know why, I didn’t even know why I was there or what I wanted from this.

I had decided the other day that I was done with Julie. I had been doing a great job avoiding her, not that she was around often. Being so close to her again confused me though. I just wanted to go back. Back to Christmas, back to before. Before I knew the truth.

Julie

As I slid my jeans up, I realized I had one option to still come out on top. If I ended it now, I could come out of this with some of my dignity in tact. My next thought was that I didn’t have any dignity left.
Worthless.
Harry’s voice had been in my head for weeks. He had a point. I had no respect from anyone anymore or for myself. I had lost it but I could get it back.

I walked out of the bathroom and saw Jon sitting on an empty bed looking at his hands. He eventually looked up and started, seeing me leaning on the door jam in front of him, towel drying my hair.

I shrugged, “I don’t know, Jon. That’s probably a bad idea. We shouldn’t… pretend anymore. It was what it was, now it’s over.”

I was getting frazzled; he was too close and it was too much for me. I could smell his body wash and I wanted to climb next to him in bed and hug him and never let go. I needed a cigarette and some fresh air.  “I have to go…” I said.

I got my notebook for class, a cigarette and lighter and walked outside, leaving Jon on the empty bed. I had gotten good at leaving him behind. Maybe that was easier than working through anything. Hopefully I could start to move forward from him and keep going despite how horrible I felt.

I thought shutting him down would make me happier, but it didn’t. I couldn’t take it back. It was done. We were done.

I wasn’t sure I would be okay but I just had to keep moving forward.

JONATHAN

I walked over and sat on her bed, looking at the closed door as her scent enveloped me. Julie had left me with disheveled thoughts once again. I was more confused than before. After weeks of thinking about it over and over, I thought that this was what I wanted. I thought I’d feel better if we officially broke up. I didn’t though.