Unmistakable (4 page)

As soon as we’re safely on the freeway and sure no one is tailing us, the tension in the car dissipates considerably. Tami, who’s visibly shaken hugs Roxy from behind since we switched seats. I need to be near her. I need to be the one giving her comfort, because I need her to trust me…to trust
US
.

I grab Roxy’s hand, twine it with mine, and she, finally, cries. She allows her nerves to take over, and I let her. While Jake hates to see Trish cry because it pains him…I on the other hand, though it hurts me, would rather see Roxy cry and lose it in front of me…
with me
. I need her to know that she can
trust
me with everything….
everything
.

I whisper in her ear, “Let it out. I’ve got you.”

She answers me with a nod, and I remember the day when control started slipping from my grasp….

When I first saw him in Gunny’s office, I wanted to rip him apart, because the flashback of how Roxy was anchored to him at the hospital replayed in my brain. However, after hearing what he said, fear for my own heart took the backseat, and what over powered was my fear of how Roxy will handle it. Ultimately, how will this affect us?

“Cody, take a seat. I need you to clear your head, son,” Gunny said.

I sat down slowly. My eyes never left the guy sitting across from me. I sure as hell was sizing him up. He was the same height as me, same build. He had brown hair, troubled green eyes that have seen better days, chiseled jaw. This dude wasn’t even standing, yet I felt the power and command that flowed through him, just by looking at him. What caught my attention, was the determination set in his eyes that was smoldering like an inferno. It was then, I realized I was in for the fight of my life.

Gunny cleared his throat, and when he spoke, he shocked me for the lack of a better word. “Cody, meet Damien. He….”

It took me a minute to comprehend what Gunny just said. It was a simple introduction, but it was an introduction that left my mind blank, my mouth speechless, and my ears muffled. The fear I thought my heart would be subjected to disappeared, instantly. In its place was the anxiety blanketing my heart and mind, knowing how this would hurt Roxy?

“What? Why now?” I pointed my accusatory finger at him. “Do you know how much she suffered? She’s been with Jack since she was ten fucking years old. Do you know how many people she trusts? She only trusts four! Four! Do you think you can just waltz your way into her life, and everything will be fucking hunky dory?”

“Before you crucify me….I suggest you listen well….. leading a double life…. kept a secret…” Damien stopped for a second as he closed his eyes while my brain short fucking circuits. His words were going in one ear and out the other. “Now, you tell me how would you have handled it? I’m here to fix it and….”

I can see his mouth moving, I can actually hear the words he’s saying, but my fucking mind can’t understand a word. I looked at Gunny for guidance, because everything he said was like a jumbled clusterfuck in my brain. How the hell was I going to help him iron shit out?

“Cody, I asked Damien to work for me, to help us with the situation we’re dealing with. He’s well qualified for the job, and you very well know it. I need you to make it work between you, him, and Roxy, alright? Are you on board, because it’s a go whether you are or not,” Jack said, stress evident in his face.

“You gotta give me more than you just want to fix it. If she’s going to get hurt more, then I’m out,” I said wanting to know the truth from the horse’s mouth.

If I were going to stick my neck out for him, he had better been worth it.

LT leaned toward me. “It may not seem that way to you, but there’s a reason behind everything I’m doing. I need her to be ready, mentally, and that’s where you come in. I need her to get to know me better before I tell her. Dylan introduced her to me. I’ve seen her a couple of times before D and I got shipped out, but I haven’t seen her since. I need more time!”

I started shaking my head. “Negative. Roxy has trust issues, and hiding shit from her will only make it worse. Fuck, if I’ll let you jeopardize that for me. You don’t know how long I’ve waited to finally have her. I can’t risk it, man. I can’t. The only way to go is to be honest with her.”

It was LT’s turn to shake his head. “Believe me when I tell you, she’ll pull back. With everything going on, we can’t have her knowing without prepping her.”

I scoff at him. “And lying to her is prepping her? This is a fucked up plan if I’ve ever heard one.”

“How the hell do you know?”

“You don’t know shit! You don’t know her like I do!”

“She’s my girl!”

“And she’s MINE!”

Jack stood up and slammed his palm on the table, getting our attention. Instantly stopping us. “Get your shit together! Both of you are losing sight of the objective here. Do I need to spell it out? It’s not just her life at stake here. So, get over the bullshit and get over it fast!”

“You have to know, Gunny, lying to her isn’t gonna be good.”

Jack turned his back on me, shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair as I waited to hear what his decision was. Slowly, he turned around, and I knew I wouldn’t like what he was about to say.

“Cody, there’s no other way. I have to agree with Damien on this one. Jake’s still in the hospital, that’s one. Two, we’re still dealing with the cartel. I don’t think Roxy can handle any more without us trying to smooth the road down a bit. You have to trust me on this one. I know her better than you,” he pointed at me and turned to Damien. “And you combined, but Damien, you don’t have all the time in the world, son.”

“It’s not gonna take me long, Gunny. I…”

I stopped him right then. I didn’t need a damn timeline on when he’d be ready, or how long it was going to take him to have a come to Jesus moment.

“I’m giving you a month or two, man. After that, I’ll tell her.” I stared Damien down. Needed him to know how serious I was.

“I give you my word, but do me a favor, if you want to be her strength, make sure she knows. When this hits her, I need to know you’re solid, that you’ll be there for her. I need you to be
the man
for her, because I can’t shield her from the shit storm. Understood?”

He extended his hand, and I shook it. The way he gripped my hand said a lot. Right then, I knew that he had my girl’s best interest at heart. I still don’t agree with the plan, but it seemed it was the least painful way for her.

My musing is interrupted by LT’s loud voice lecturing Roxy.

“Now, are you going to take this seriously? Thank God, no one got hurt. That wasn’t a warning, Roxy.”

“Don’t you think I know that? I don’t want anything happening to anyone of you because of me!” Roxy shouts back, my feisty girl is back.

LT turns around and faces her, his tone clipped, “Then, next time, don’t be a pain in the ass about it. Are we clear?”

Roxy answers sarcastically, “Crystal!”

LT’s demeanor changes, concern seeps out of his eyes. “I don’t want anything happening to you, either. I love you too much, Roxy.”

My body doesn’t go rigid when I hear LT tell Roxy he loves her. It did, though, when those four words left her luscious lips.

“I love you too, LT,” she says, while holding on to me, right in front of everyone.

My brain tells me it’s nothing; I know the truth after all. Hearing her say it back, her words feel as if they’re electrocuting my heart, each word feels as though I’m getting zapped and jolted until I’m numb. I don’t understand why my thoughts are waging war against each other. They shouldn’t really, because of what I know, but what about what I don’t know. I’m sure of LT’s feelings, but what about hers? Until she knows the truth, I’ll be feeling this way. As much as I’d like to tell her the truth, it’s not mine to tell. Even if it were, it’s not the right time.

Everything has a time and place. If you veer off course, you’ll hit a snag. You go too fast, and you might hit a wall. My mom used to tell me, ‘in everything there’s a season. Your heart will tell you when it’s the right time, but make sure your heart is right’. My heart is right….unmistakably right. It’s her heart I want to heal…her heart I completely need to own.

We, finally, get to Gunny’s house, and I’m already dreading the stressful art of planning how to keep everyone secure. It’s times like these I wish life weren’t complicated.
I hate complicated
. I need to be in control at all times. When I’m assigned a subject, he or she listens to everything I say. The problem here, is Roxy fights me on everything. Gunny gets down to business as soon as we’re all seated.

“So, we move to plan B, boys…” Gunny says, while our eyes are set on him.

We’re in the den mapping out our next move. As the girls come in with drinks, Roxy fires out the first question of this match.

“What do you mean ‘plan B’? What exactly is this plan, Uncle Jack?” Roxy’s steady tone makes me sigh in relief, knowing she’s not frustrated, yet.

Just as Gunny is about to answer, we lose power. Fuck!

Our training kicks in mixing with the adrenaline coursing through our veins, and in five seconds flat, we’re positioned with our guns drawn, earpieces in place. I feel her hands clamped on my waist, her breathing uneven against the nape of my neck. If she doesn’t bust out quietly singing in the next five seconds, I’d be surprised.

Gunny whispers instruction low but solid, “I’ll call it in. LT, stay with my wife. Hang tight, girls.”

I back Roxy against the wall that separates the den and dining room. I squint my eyes and see Brian has Tami in the same hold on the opposite side of the room, next to LT and Patti. I want to turn around and wrap her in my arms, but I don’t think I can just now, not until I’m able to center myself. Never ending fear has my body trapped since this whole thing began. Not too long ago, I was in this state. It’s a silent torture that troubles me, and it will continue to suffocate me until this nightmare ends.

I’m trained to detach and compartmentalize my feeling. I stay focused on the objective, which wasn’t hard for me to do before, but now…now that I found my love, it’s hard to separate my feelings. The face that erases my fears is the very face that causes me to experience the same fears.

I know, I need to stay focused, but I need her more…my heart demands what my brain tries its hardest to deny. Who wins? The heart always…always wins. So, I turn and look at her…I look at my love.

My eyes roam her pretty face, checking for any sign of panic. “You okay?” I hope she sees the love shining through my eyes, because I need her to know…I need her to feel it. I
want
her to
own
it.

Like a trooper, she gives me a small smile and says, “You’re in front of me, ready to defend me; so, I’m more than good.” She licks her lips, and the words that leave her mouth are a lifeline to my worried soul, “I love you. I say it because I might not have another chance since Yo quiero Taco Bell seems determined to kill me.” The corner of her lips pulls down a bit.

How can a couple of words bring me to a euphoric high and slam me down so hard I need to brace myself at the same time? Her words boom and fucking detonate in my heart like a grenade, destroying everything on impact. Fear and guilt swirl in her eyes, and knowing she feels that way, pulls me further down in that abyss where nothing but anger resides.

I grip her chin. “I.love.you.too. No one will touch a strand of hair on that pretty head of yours, not on my watch. My life for yours, got that?”

She shakes her head defiantly. “I.am.not.losing.you. Got that?”

Something happens to me every time she tells me she loves me, and every time she matches my determination with her own. It makes me forget the promise of keeping the secret we’re shielding from her that I made to LT. I want to kiss her and love on her, but I’m afraid my mouth will betray me.
She’s not ready…prepare her…pave the way…ease the burden.
There goes my mind, waging a constant war between the truth I need to tell her, and the secret I need to keep to protect her.

Instead, I can only nod to what she just said. Her fierce determination is like a damn Red Bull that hypes me up. This girl…this girl right here…she is my
source
…my
core
…she is my
heart.
My love and dedication to her is palpable…down right…unmistakable
.

It’s just so much easier now that I can tell Cody I love him. It’s amazing what fear can do, what fear can drive someone to admit. To others, it may be the very fear that causes them to freeze, to hide, and to back down. For me, it’s the driving force to make me act. It’s fear…that very fear that gnaws on my soul. That fear threatens my being, and finally, makes me realize I need to do or say something. I can’t mistake or deny it, but instead admit what I’m feeling, what I’m seeing is real.

TRUE.
Unmistakably,
TRUE.

I hate when I let go of that fear, and then, have my trust broken and my heart ripped apart in the process. I hope Cody won’t do that because it will, literally, kill me.