Unmistakable (18 page)

Waking up from a restless sleep isn’t the way I want to greet the day. Added to that, instead of enjoying my quiet time with Cody, which we normally do before we start our day, I find myself thinking about the ugly turn my life has taken. My brain is in a never ending merry-go-round with no end in sight. I don’t know whether or not to believe Cody’s explanation that he’s just stressed. It could be they’re just trying to throw me off, or it’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Hell, I’m stressed, pregnant Trish is stressed…everyone’s stressed. I don’t want anything going wrong or one of the guys pulling a surprise on me. Trish’s safety….their safety is something I’m not willing to gamble on.

Wanting so badly to connect with my love, I wait for the perfect time to launch my attack. I slowly let my fingers wander down his flat hard abs, playing along the band of his boxers. He isn’t stopping me, and no tenting action is happening below the waist either. Just when I’m about to give up and start thinking of another plan to seduce him, Cody surprises me and pushes me back, flat on the bed. His action is so fast, I’m left with my mouth open, my breath coming in short gasps.

He takes off his boxers in one swift motion, then yanks my tank down, exposing my breasts as his hot lips encircle my hard nipple, biting, sucking until I’m writhing in ecstasy just from his lips alone. He rips my panties off and continues his attack on my other breast, while his hands snake from my shoulders, travelling down my back and cupping my ass, pushing me closer to his dick that’s as hard as a titanium rod.

He lets out a growl. I answer with my soft moans coming from the depths of my soul which are induced by my love and lust for this man.

“Is this what you want, Roxy? You want me?” He asks as his hot lips cover my neck with open wet kisses.

“Yesss, oh…” I exhale loudly, making him know how much his mouth drives me insane.

Grinding against me without penetration is driving me mad and I’m squirming underneath him, needing the most intimate contact. His tongue now plunging inside my mouth, taking mine hostage. Our tongues tangle together in a sensual dance of seduction as he rubs against my hips, thrusting yet not impaling me, teasing me relentlessly, pushing us closer to the edge of insanity.

“Cody, please…love…I need you inside me,” I breathlessly say.

“Tell me you need me,” He answers as his mouth finds my nipple again.

Another moan escapes me, “I do…need…you…”

Without another word, he slams into me, filling me up, owning me completely. He releases my ass and cages my head with his arms as he runs his fingers through my hair, gripping it, all the while thrusting into me. Slow at times, it’s almost unbearable….and in a blink of an eye, too uncontrollable…too fast, I don’t know where he begins and I end. I enclose his hips with my legs, using my feet to push against his firm ass, to thrust back what he strongly gives me.

Both out of breath, both needing release, his pace picks up as his assault on my mouth matches each time he plunges deep inside me. He releases my mouth and gazes at me, lovingly, as he weaves his fingers with mine. His eyes are telling me how much he loves me; but his all too powerful thrusts, convey the need to control, not me, but the situation, so I give his hands a squeeze, confessing to him what I truly feel inside…what my heart wants to make him feel.

“I love you, Cody…so much….oh…God…” My train of thought, momentarily, gets derailed as he continues to hammer away. “You have all of me…love…” Another powerful thrust sends my body close to the edge of oblivion.

Not a single word leaves his mouth, he just continues to stare at me as he thrusts into me relentlessly. I don’t know if it’s acceptance or punishment his body is giving mine, but for every word that leaves my mouth, his answer is of the physical and unforgiving kind. His eyes convey what his mouth can’t say. As we reach our climaxes together, our hold on each other stays strong, every inch of him surrounds every inch of me. He buries his face in my neck, and that’s when I hear my love’s words that will haunt me forever.

“I love you, Roxy. Don’t leave me, please.”

His pained voice stops my thoughts and tears at my heart. That’s when my heart completely shatters into a million unfixable pieces….once again.

In
silence,
I
cry
….

In the
stillness,
I
hurt
….

In
secret,
I
suffer
.

I hurt so much, I want it taken away from me, but who will do it? Instead of saying it, I once again allow my actions to express what I feel, so I pull him closer to me, holding his head firmly against my neck, not wanting to let go.

Ever.

“I won’t ever leave, love,” I tell him as convincingly as I can.

Even if we’re far apart…no amount of space or time, not the widest ocean or the deepest sea, not the farthest or darkest place can ever separate us. Separation is just a physical reality. It doesn’t exist between us, because in my heart…in my mind, it’ll always be you and me…as one…eternally.
I silently say these things, it’s almost an unspoken promise I’m making to my one and only love.

His silence speaks volumes. I know him too well. It means everything he’s feeling is just beneath the surface, waiting to explode. As much as I want to pacify his mind and heart, I can’t, and because of that, once again….I ACHE.

He moves away from me without looking my way and leaves me, again. Though my feet are itching to follow him…to run to him, my mind tells them to stay put. The decision has been made…it’s been etch in stone, and turning back can’t even be wishful thinking at this point.

Two hard knocks echo through the silence, and I don’t know if I feel relief from hearing them or afraid to know why someone’s knocking. Without me answering, the door opens, and in walks my brother. He’s looking at me with his eyes bugging out.

Turning quickly, he says, “Geez, Rox, put some clothes on!”

“What? I’m covered with a blanket. If you want to give me a minute, I’ll change into something more suitable.”

He nods and leaves the room while shaking his head. I smile at my brother’s reaction, his mouth is as filthy as any Marine I’ve known, but he gets all bent out of shape seeing me with only a blanket covering me. While my mind is making a quick guess as to why he wants to talk to me, I’m more concerned as to why Cody left me. He never does….and in a span of two days, he has done it twice.

Damien comes back exactly a minute from the time he left.

“So, what’s up?” I ask directly, needing to get this over and done with.

“Did you guys iron your shit out? I mean, you and Cody?” Damien counters, looking at me intensely.

I shrug my shoulders. “Yeah. He said he was stressed out, and I knew that. I’m stressed as it is. Gosh, I think everyone’s stressed out. He apologized, so we’re good.”

He squints his eyes at me. “Why are you stressed? You know, we’ve got everything under control. Thanks for the vote of confidence, sis.”

I roll my eyes at him. “Silly, I’m not dogging your ability to protect us. It’s this whole situation,” I say as my hands start flailing around. “The not knowing what’s going to happen is driving people insane. Doesn’t it drive you insane?” It’s my turn to squint my eyes at him.

He doesn’t answer right away. In fact, he keeps staring at me, then swings his gaze to the floor, then the window, and back at me; and finally, he speaks.

“I live and breathe stressful situations, Rox. I can adapt to them without batting an eyelash. However, civilians make it ten times harder to execute any plan, because they refuse to listen. Not listening is what gets someone killed, and when someone dies on my watch, it’s like a slash to the heart. It’s hard to lose someone, especially if it could’ve been avoided.”

I’m not even going to say I don’t know what he’s trying to tell me, because I do. This is his indirect way of telling me to stick to the plan, and not go with mine. If only, I had that option.

Without blinking, I say, “I haven’t done anything that could possibly raise your blood pressure, right? What’s up with the civilian?” I ask, using air quotes on the word civilian. “Aren’t you one, already?”

“No, I’m definitely not a civilian. Maybe in what I wear, but the way I think isn’t, because I won’t jeopardize myself or anyone else without consulting someone who knows their shit.” His tone may be soft and unchallenging, but the words are a direct hit to me.

“We’re good, Sir. Following orders as always.” I salute him, trying to lighten up the situation.

He starts nodding his head. “Alright, I trust you, sis. I hope you know that.”

I smile at him. “I know.” My brother’s intense gaze makes me squirm. It’s as if I’m being interrogated. “Um, what did Gunny say? He didn’t even say hi to us.”

“He’s upset because I called him for nothing. I’m surprised I’m not in the dog house. Your man, though, got his ass handed to him. Gunny didn’t approve of his bitch fit. Apparently, he isn’t allowed to stress you out. You’re turning Cody into a pussy, Rox. You gotta let my boy do his thing.”

I laugh out loud, though in my ears, it sounds so forced. Another dig coming from my brother.

“Please, I let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, whichever way he wants,” I say in a sing song voice.

My brother’s eyes bug out, again. “Roxy! Stop with the innuendos. Mother will wash, that mouth of yours with soap.”

The mere mention of our mother erases the semi smile on my face. Not because I don’t want to see her, God knows I do, but because I might not get the chance to. Surprisingly, I’m not as mad at her as I am with my father. I guess, my brother’s nonstop talk about how nice, self-sacrificing, and loving she is dissolves whatever anger I might have harbored.

“What’s with the sad face?” Damien asks, as he sits next to me on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t know. I guess, I want to meet her already,” I answer softly, looking down and shrugging my shoulders.

Damien grabs my chin, pushing it until my eyes meet his. “You will, Roxy, but not until this shit is over. I don’t want to throw mom into the mix, because I can only be in one place at a time. I can only protect one of you. This is the best way, trust me. Just stick to the plan, and mark my words, you’ll meet mom soon. She works at the hospital, you know. So, she’s not that far away, sis.”

My brother’s eyes are boring into mine. Perhaps, waiting for a confession or a denial, but he won’t get either, because I’ll remain silent. Less talk…less mistakes. I give him a hug, instead. Why does it feel like a goodbye? Why does everything feel like a goodbye? My eyes start to water, and I blink a couple of times to stop tears from falling.

“I’ll let you do what it is you do in the morning,” Damien says as he runs his hand on my back, comforting me. “This isn’t all on your shoulders, Roxy. It’s not your cross to bear, alright?” He leans back to look at me, and I know the truth he sees in my eyes.

“It’s no one else’s cross to bear either, Damien. How I wish you’d understand that. I need you to understand that.”

He cups my face with his hand and smiles, “I do; believe me, I do, let the big boys play, okay? We’re trained to deal with a situation like this. The question isn’t who needs to carry the cross, but who’s able to do it. Are you? Don’t start ranting about girl power, because it doesn’t apply here.”

I start shaking my head. In my mind, they will never understand….no one will ever understand.

“I don’t know why you’re talking that way. It’s as if you know I’m planning a secret save the world operation. Please, my powers can’t handle all this craziness. I’m just chillin’ here, brother. Just chillin’.”

The saying ‘fake it until you make it’ rings true in this situation.

“Just chillin’ huh? Then, why the sadness and hurt in your eyes. You can smile all you want, act as if everything’s cool and shit, but your eyes give you away, Roxy. So, tell me what your heart feels, right now.”

“I hurt. I love him, so much, Damien. I’ve imagined a life with him. A long and happy fulfilled life. A dream, I finally begin to accept as a reality, but life gets in the way as Jake says all the time. He’s pulling back from me, and as much as he tries to hide it, I know…my heart knows. I’ve waited so long…painfully long for someone to love me, and now that I’ve found it, I feel as if I’m losing him. I don’t know how to make him understand. I don’t understand anything anymore. The only thing I know is, I hurt right here,” I say jabbing my chest, while I start shaking uncontrollably. If not for my brother’s strong arms, I’d be sprawled helpless on the floor.

“All this because you guys had a fight or there’s something more you’re not saying? Roxy, he’s not bailing on you. We’ve been cooped up in this house for so long, it’s driving everyone a little on the insane side. Don’t read too much into it, okay?”

It takes me a while to say something, because trying to control my emotions where Cody’s concerned isn’t an easy task. He’s ‘my everything’ and
losing
him, being
robbed
of his touch and his love, not being able to enjoy a lifetime with him is a punishment I don’t want to be subjected to, but a penalty I need to accept.

“You’re right. Damn, this situation is making me too emotional.” I wipe my face with the back of my hand, giving my brother a smile, hoping he doesn’t see through me.

He stands up and walks toward the door, as I reach for him and pull him toward me. I hug him so tight my arms hurt, but my heart’s pain eases a bit. There’s so much more in this hug…so much more. It’s my way of saying goodbye, without actually saying it. The saddest part is, I think, he knows it too because my brother is breathing me in. As if he’s transferring all of his strength to me, and I gladly accept it. Damien pulls back and cradles my head with his big hands, his eyes are troubled with a mixture of sadness, and once again, my heart constricts. I wonder when my heart will stop hurting…when that feeling of something ripping my heart out will ever disappear…because…

I just ache.

“When you hurt…I hurt, Rox. If only I could rewind life, so I can take back the time we lost I would, but I can’t. How I wish I could carry your burden, erase all the hurt, give up my happiness for yours, but I can’t.” His eyes continue to roam my face, and his green eyes land again on mine. “A man’s weakness will always be the woman he loves, hands down. For now, you and mom are that for me. But, I know for a fact, there’s a man out there whose heart will be beyond repair if something bad happens to you. Make a wise decision, Roxy. One that will not hurt others, but more importantly, one that won’t break the man you love. I get what’s in here,” He taps my chest. “…trust me, I do. The desire to protect the ones you love, that’s something you, mom and I share. Though, sometimes I wish I had someone to share the load with. All you need to do is ask.” He smiles at me as he releases his hold on me.