Unfinished (25 page)

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I woke up
slowly, testing my limbs gingerly, trying to judge just how bad of shape I was
in.  The previous night was a little blurry and I was having a little bit of
difficulty remembering it all.  Amazingly enough, I seemed to be okay.  Not
sure how I got to be that lucky, cause I know that I had partaken in way more
than I should have.  There is a reason one should never try and drown their
sorrows.  Birthday celebration plus boy trouble was just a recipe for disaster.

I thought back
to the night before.  Shots.  Dancing.  More shots. Pretty sure Cassie brought
me home and then...Owen.  I opened my eyes immediately as flashes came back to
me.  I glanced over beside me and sure enough, there he was, fast asleep. 

I took a
moment to take in the sight of him.  He was beautiful. He looked so peaceful. 
It made me long to touch him, even though I was still mad at him.  It had hurt
me that he hadn’t come to the party.  Granted, I was angrier with myself, but I
was mad at him too.  I needed him to put me first.  Above his job and the
complicated mess that he seemed to think that it presented for him.  I didn’t
understand it and part of me thought that I was a fool to even believe his
story.  I mean, isn’t that the classic tale?  Boy tells girl a crazy, fucked up
story and girl believes it because she is a desperate idiot who has no common
sense anymore?  But what if girl knows boy, knows him like the back of her
hand…does that change it?  Does it still make her a fool?

Yeah, I was
still mad at him. At both of us.  I was tired of playing this guessing game.  I
was mad at how critical he’d been of me the night before when he had randomly
shown up on my door in a tux. He’d looked really hot in that tux.  He wasn’t
wearing it now.  He was just in his boxers, sprawled out on his back, arm flung
up behind his head. The sheets were a mess around his hips as if he’d been
tossing in his sleep or had gotten warm during the night.  I wondered what he
was dreaming about.  I wondered what had possessed him to leave his big gala
and drive all this way. 

I wanted to
reach out and touch him, maybe run a finger along his jaw, across his cheek. 
There was something about him that drew me in.  As bad for my heart as he could
be, he still felt like home.  I felt safe with him. 

I couldn't
tear my eyes away from him.  Mad or not, he was here.  I missed having him
here, waking up with him.  I needed it and I didn’t realize how powerful that
need was until he was gone.  He began to stir and I shut my eyes quickly, not
wanting to be caught staring at him. I lay still, feigning sleep and waiting to
hear if he was actually awake.  I felt the bed dip as he shifted closer to me. 
Still, I kept my eyes shut.  But then I felt his breath against my neck as his
lips tickled the sensitive skin just below my ear.

“You can open
your eyes, I know you aren’t asleep.” I felt the smile against my skin and I
opened my eyes in question.  How did he know that I was faking?

He leaned back
to look at me, moving a long piece of hair behind my ear. I’m sure that it
looked a mess, as I had never brushed it out once I’d gotten home.  For that
matter, I’m sure my face also showed the remnants of smudged eyeliner and
Smokey eye lids.  I probably looked like I’d been in a fight.  “You breathe
differently when you are asleep.  Don’t you think I know you at all?” I gave
him a sheepish smile, still not admitting to faking.

I pushed back
into my pillows as his intense study of me had me feeling as if I were under a
microscope.  He had a way of really looking into me and knowing all of my
secrets.  It could be unnerving.

“I’m sorry. 
I’m sorry that I missed your birthday.” The look in his eyes hit my heart with
a direct hit. I saw truth there and it made me let go of some of the anger that
I had been holding on to.

I nodded.  I
wasn’t ready to speak just yet. I was afraid of what I might say, and right
now, I really just wanted to hear what he had to say.

“I mean it,
Ally. I should have been here. There shouldn’t have been a question about it. 
I should have been here for you.”  His voice was husky, thick with emotion.  I
knew he meant it. I had never doubted that he wanted to be here. I just knew
that he had other priorities.  That was the part that hurt, to not be first on
that list and to wonder if there would ever be a time when I would be. Doubts were
the hardest part.

I managed
another nod, not trusting myself for anything else. He shifted so that I was
beneath him.  I held his gaze as he stared down at me intently.  There was so
much there, so much he didn’t have to put into words.  What I saw there in
their depths were all of the reasons I’d fallen in love with this man.  I was
in so deep that, no matter what happened, he had my heart.  I wasn’t sure I’d
ever get it back.  When he looked at me this way, I knew I never wanted him to
give it back.

Bracing
himself on one arm, he traced his fingers across my cheek, the gentleness
conveying so much.  This was my Owen, the man who joked about being a robot and
had always been afraid of emotions.  But here he was, drowning in them with me.
Together we would find our way to the surface.  I would teach him how to
navigate the waters. I had to do that. For him. For us.

He sunk down
against me, the weight of him pressing me into the mattress, the hard lines of
his body against me.  It was what I had been craving while we’d been apart; this
physical connection with him, the feel of his skin, his touch, just seeing him
in front of me, instead of a memory. 

He ran kisses
along my throat and across my jaw, all the while, murmuring I’m sorries as he went. 
I heard the truth in his voice, the regret. I knew it and I felt it. We
couldn’t go back and fix it, but we could learn from it and move forward.  We
were still figuring this whole thing out.  We were two ends of the spectrum
when it came to commitment.  I craved it; he’d spent his whole life avoiding
it.  Somehow we had to figure out how to find our place together.  I had to
realize that he was fighting demons and he had to realize that those demons
were hurting me too.  If it were anyone else, I’m not so sure I would be
fighting to keep it.  But this was Owen.  He was the boy who had known me when
I was innocent. He was the man who pushed me to let go.  There was so much
about him that drew me in.  He had a hold on me.  I just couldn’t see a point when
I would be able to walk away from him. At least, not until I put in a good
fight. I felt like we were worth the fight and the work. 

It only took a
moment for me to get lost in his kisses.  And when his lips moved to my own I
didn’t even care that we both had morning breath.  The need to taste him was
too great. I moved my hands up his hard torso, my fingers digging in as they
moved up and around his shoulders, pulling him closer, causing a soft moan to
escape him.  His hands moved down my sides and found the hem of my t-shirt.  He
pushed it up, kissing my skin along the way.  Once it was discarded he took a
moment to take me in, his eyes caressing my body.  I saw the promise there and
it made my skin heat.  I wanted him.  I needed to feel him.  I needed the
connection after the hurt of the past week.  I needed to feel close.

My hands
reached for the waistband of his boxers and his eyes darkened as I began to
push them from his hips. Once he was free, he returned the favor by slowly
pulling my panties down my legs before settling between them.  His eyes were
locked on mine as his hand moved down my thigh and to their apex.  His finger
brushed across my folds and I felt the zing of electricity and want shoot
through my body. I arched into him, urging him to not stop with this gentle,
teasing touch.  He didn’t make me wait.  He dipped a finger inside and I
couldn’t help but close my eyes and let go of a soft moan of pleasure.  It was
so good, but it wasn’t enough.  I was aching for him. All of him.

“Look at me,
Ally.” His voice was husky and commanding.  It was a seduction all on its own. 
I opened my eyes, my breath catching as he sunk a second finger inside.  He
stretched me expertly, pushing me higher with each wonderful stroke.  He
already knew my body so well.  He played it perfectly.  I was lost to
everything when he was touching me.

I reached out,
my fingers wrapping around his erection, stroking him, urging him to fill me. 
I was rewarded with a deep moan and a jerk of his body.  “Owen, please.” I didn’t
want to be patient. I wanted him, filling me now.

“What do you
want, baby?  Tell me what you need.” We continued our teasing.

“I want you,
Owen.  Please.” I felt the emptiness as his fingers left me and I whimpered at
the loss. But his eyes promised me more as he positioned himself at my
opening.  I left my eyes locked to his.  They were dark, hooded, and filled
with a sea of passion and emotion. It was intense and as he sunk into me, I
felt it all-all of the words, all of the emotions that were too hard for us to
express.  He moved slowly, sinking deep and filling me completely. 

I held on to
him, relishing his closeness, needing all of him to heal the hurt and connect
us, mend us.  He moved slowly, deliberately.  I felt every part of him and it
was an exquisite dance.

“I love you,”
he murmured.  “I love you so much.  I choose you. You are my only choice.  You
are the only one.”  His words wrapped around me, a promise, a plea and I clung
to him tighter, needing him closer. 

I was so
entranced with him, with this moment.  The amount of love that I had for this
man was overwhelming. I felt my body quiver as I neared my release.  He pushed
me further, holding on to me as if any separation of our skin would be too
much.  It was intense and raw and I breathed out his name as I felt myself
nearing the edge. “Together,” he moaned and I felt his body tighten against me
as he thrust deep, pushing me and I cried out as we fell over the edge. 

We lay there,
trying to catch our breath for a long time.  I couldn’t help but feel a little
vulnerable after that.  Finally he rolled off of me, but he pulled me with him
so that I was pressed into his side.

“Well, now I
know why everyone says make up sex is the best,” he chuckled softly. I looked
up at him curiously.  His eyes were closed. 

“Wait, you’ve
never had make up sex before?” I knew Owen had his share of romantic interludes
so this surprised me.

I felt his
shoulders lift in a shrug. “No one was ever worth fighting with…let alone
making up with,” he said.

His words made
me sad, yet somehow special all at the same time. Sometimes it was easy to
forget how new he was to this whole thing. I would have to remember that.  I
would have to find patience.  I moved so I could rest my chin on his chest and
look up at him.  He was so amazingly handsome.  It still caught me by surprise
sometimes.  “Well, as much as I really don’t like fighting with you, I suppose
I can find something to be angry about now and again so you can experience more
make up sex.” I kept my tone teasing. He laughed and wrapped his arms around
me.

“As long as
you keep forgiving me, we’ll be golden,” he said.  I knew he was half serious.

Chapter Thirty

Whoever said
that long distance relationships were hard knew what they were talking about.  
They were shit.  I now knew first hand why people don’t do them.  It’s like
living a double life.  There is your reality; work, friends, the normal day-to-day
monotony, and you put on your brave face and trudge through each day.  But each
day is just a stepping stone to get to what you really want and that is the
time you get to spend with your loved one.  You wish away the long stretches of
time of the normal just to get to the quick flashes of a weekend with time
spent together.  Everything takes on new meaning, each activity, a reminder of
who is missing.  It’s hard and it’s exhausting.

We were
working our way through it.   The trick was finding ways to incorporate each
other in the day-to-day so the distance didn’t feel so large.  It meant a lot
of texts and skype and small surprises sent to say I’m thinking about you.  It
was talking about the things we’d rather be doing than just talking on the
phone.  It was a struggle, but it was one I happily made because to have him at
all was better than the alternative. 

We stuck to
our schedule and managed to continue seeing each other every two weeks,
rotating off between Nashville and Chicago.  It wasn’t easy and sometimes the
constant traveling would cause us to bicker. But it never failed, once we were
back in each other’s arms everything felt right again and the hassles all faded
away.  It was worth it.  We were happy.  It wouldn’t work forever, but for now
it was what we had to do and we were both willing to make it work. Sometimes it
was just about choosing to make it work.

*****

When Owen
arrived for our weekend he looked stressed and a little frazzled.  He came into
the living room and put his bag down. He didn’t even stop to give me a kiss. 
Something serious was up.  “What’s wrong?” I was worried. I’d not seen him like
this.  He looked a bit like a caged animal and I could tell that something was
really wrong. 

He let out a
deep sigh and leaned against the bar, running his hands through his hair.  I
had the feeling he’d been doing that a lot today. I leaned against the opposite
counter, waiting for him to tell me what was wrong.

“Everything is
a mess.  Anna is killing me.  She is being completely difficult about this
whole thing.  I’m over it.  I’ve tried to give her time and I’ve tried to be
fair to her, but she is making my life hell.  I told her that I’d set up a
meeting with Max to tell him that we were done.  I was prepared to just take
the blame for the break up, let her play the victim if she had to.  I thought
that would make her happy and just get this whole thing over with. I can’t
stand people thinking her and I are still together.  It makes me crazy.  I told
her I couldn’t wait anymore and she got so pissed off.  She started screaming
at me and throwing things around her office. It was nuts.  I’ve never seen her
like that.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

I moved
towards him, the need to comfort him was too much.  I needed to touch him, calm
him.  I hated that he was dealing with this, even as I needed him to deal with
it and make it happen.  I just hated that it was causing such drama in his
life. He wrapped his arms around me, buried his face into my hair and breathed
in deep.  I felt the tension start to leave him and I loved that I had that
effect on him.  Our connection was such that we could be the calming force in
the middle of turmoil and stress. I craved that.

I let him take
a moment and steady himself so he could finish his story. Still, wrapped around
me he finally told me the rest.  “Anyway, I’d had it. I went to see Max and
when I got there she was already there.  They both had these giant smiles on
their face.  I walked right into an ambush.  She told him that we were getting
married.  That she had found the ring.  She used that damn ring against me and
now everything has hit the fan.  I didn’t even know what to do. I went into a
rage.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry before.”

I froze in his
arms.  Something about what he’d said hit me. 

“She what?” I
asked, pulling back to look at him. 

“Yeah, she had
the balls to tell him that she found the ring and that I was planning on asking
her to marry me.  I was just shell shocked.  And she goes into this whole thing
about how I’m just mad because she ruined the surprise.  Fuck, I’m just done.  I
walked out and came straight here.  The lady is crazy.  Fruit-fucking-loop-crazy,”
he seethed.

I hated her. 
I hated that she was trying to keep him from me.  I hated that he hadn’t just
told Max the truth right then.  “Why didn’t you just tell Max the truth?” I
asked quietly.

“I didn’t know
how.  I mean…fuck, Ally, I still want my job.  If I came out and said that I’d
lied he would have lost it. Anna is still his daughter, ya know?  I just can’t
believe that she brought that damn ring with her,” he muttered.

There it was
again.  I stepped away from him.   “Wait.  She had a ring with her?” I asked.
Something wasn’t making sense.  I saw the moment that Owen realized what he’d
said.  It was a shadow of panic.  That flash said that there was something more
to this story.

He opened his
mouth to speak, but no words came out. “Owen.  Where did the ring come from?” I
asked. My voice didn't sound like it came from me. 

“Ally…I can
explain,” he started. Shit. It was him. That ring had come from him.

“Did you buy
that ring? Did you buy her a ring?” My voice cracked and I cursed myself for
it. The world was spinning, tilting and becoming all askew. He looked down at
his feet and took a deep breath. Oh God.  I saw it then. The truth rolled off
of him and I felt sick to my stomach. The air around me seemed to thin and I
could barely catch my breath.  “You were going to marry her.” It wasn’t a
question. I could see it all so clearly now.  Charade or no charade, he had
planned to take it to the end.  He had bought her a ring.

This whole
thing was too much. The room was spinning.  I needed to sit down. I needed to
get away from him.  I needed to hit him…hard. My heart was slamming against my
chest.  It was causing me physical pain. Every image that I’d had for our
future was suddenly shattered, the pieces scattered at my feet. 

He finally
looked up at me.  I saw the fear on his face.  “Let me explain. It’s not how it
sounds,” he assured me. He took a step towards me, but I held up a hand to stop
him. I needed a minute.

“You bought
her a ring.  You were going to marry her,” I repeated.  I had to say it again,
because it just didn't feel real.  This felt like more than I could handle.  He
suddenly felt like a stranger to me.  He had made the whole situation with Anna
seem like it was nothing serious. It was an arrangement.  That’s what he’d told
me. That’s what I had chosen to believe.  I was a fool.

“Ally, look at
me.” He was determined as he stepped towards me and put his hands on my
shoulders.  I looked up at him, my vision blurry from the tears that were
threatening me. “This isn’t what it sounds like.  Yes, I bought a ring.  It was
a whim. There was a time I thought it would be easier to just follow through. 
The thing with Anna was easy and convenient and I thought it would push me
further into getting the success that I wanted.  It was stupid.  I never gave
it to her.  I never even thought about giving it to her.  I don’t know how she
even found it.  I don’t love her. I have never loved her.  I’m not lying to
you.  I know that is what is going through your head right now. I know you
think I have made this whole thing up and that you are the other woman. But
it’s not like that. I promise you that I have been honest.  Please…please
listen to me,” he begged. I could see the determination there, the need for me
to hear his words and believe them. I wanted to.  But there was something
keeping me from it.  It was as if every single doubt that I’d had was flooding
my mind.  Every question, every doubt, had me asking if I’d been fooled this
entire time.  How was it that I had suddenly lost all trust for this man? 

I took a step
back from him, needing space. I needed to clear my head and figure this out. He
tried to keep his hand on me, but I couldn’t handle the contact.  What was I
doing? How had I gotten to this point?  How had I become this person?  My heart
hurt with an intensity that I had never known before.  It was despair and it
shocked me to know that I was in that deep.  So deep that the thought of having
to walk away from this man was leaving me so instantly broken, shattered.

I stared at
him, standing in front of me, this handsome man looking so lost. I could still
see the panic in his eyes. I knew he could see the internal argument that I was
having with myself, but he wasn’t sure if he should interrupt or not.  I didn’t
know what to do.  Everything was happening so fast around me that I couldn’t
focus. 

“Ally, please
don’t make this into something bigger than it is.  I promise you…”

I cut him off
with a sharp look.  “Don’t,” I snapped.  The command pulled from me before I
even made the decision.  “Don’t talk to me about promises. I don’t even know
who you are right now.  You’ve been lying to me this whole time.  Was this a
game to you?  Was I just some fun distraction? The pathetic girl that you had
unfinished business with?  How long did you plan to string me along?” I could
feel anger simmering at the surface and I tried to hold on to it so that it
could get me through these next moments. Because it was suddenly clear to me
that I had to walk away.  I couldn’t do this anymore. This wasn’t about love or
passion…this was about my survival.  I had allowed myself to fall so hard for this
man. I had trusted him and made plans for my future for him.  I was so busy
falling for him that I never stopped to question whether he was falling with
me.

“Ally,” he
said my name again and it said so much with the single word. It was a plea, a
warning, a command.  He needed me to stop and listen. I needed to be away from
him so I could think clearly. 

“I can’t do
this.  I’m sorry.  It’s too much.” The words came out soft, but I did my best
to keep them steady. I had to pull my strength together.  He would see my
weakness. He knew how to push my buttons and how to get me to change my mind. I
couldn’t let him see how fragile my resolve was.  I didn’t want to walk away,
but I had to.  If I hurt this badly now, how could I expect to survive the
break that would come another month or another year down the road?  I thought I
could handle it. But that was before I knew how attached he still was to his
make believe life.  I couldn’t wait.  I couldn’t wait and hope that his words
were true, that he would choose me over that life.  I couldn’t do it. And it
killed me. “I can’t do this to myself.  It’s too hard.”  I let out a breath
slowly, trying to hold on to my focus.

Owen was
silent, staring at his shoes.  I could hear my heart beating a heavy rhythm in
my ears.  “Please, don’t do this,” he said.  I could barely hear him. “It’s not
how it sounds.” His voice was desperate as he ran his hands through his hair. 
“You know how I feel about you.  About us.” My heart tugged at the desperation
that I heard.  I felt it too. 

I took a deep
breath to steady myself and try and clear out the haze that threatened to
overtake me.  “I can’t keep waiting for you with the hopes that you will
finally choose me,” I said.

His gaze
snapped to me and I saw the instant fire in his eyes.  “I have chosen you,” he
bit out.

I could feel
the tears stinging my eyes, blurring his face.  “No. She has your ring.  She
has told everyone that she expects to marry you. There is no room for me in
that equation,” I said.

The look he
gave me was hard. “It’s not like that.” His voice was clipped. I could see him
trying to hold on to this situation.  He hated being out of control and he was
losing his grip on this one quickly.

I wanted to
believe him, I really did.  But doing so could leave me broken and alone. I had
become part of a classic story. “There are women all over the world falling for
that same line. I won’t be one of them.”

His eyes
flared. “That’s bullshit and you know it,” he glared at me.

“Owen, let’s
be honest.  This,” I waved my hand between us, “this relationship isn’t good
for either of us. We have different priorities.  We’re just going to hurt each
other,” I said.

His eyes
narrowed.  “Why do you make it sound that way?  Like you don’t believe this is
real?” His voice was flat, and I could sense his defenses going up. 

I shrugged,
trying to appear indifferent.  “Because, if it were real, you wouldn’t be
engaged to another woman,” I said.

Low blow. I
knew it.

I jumped as he
slammed his fist down onto the table, making the vase rattle.

“Goddamn it,
Ally, don’t you dare do that. Don’t you trivialize this. Don’t act like what we
have isn’t real,” he yelled.  He took a step closer to me, his eyes blazing. 
He was fuming. I knew he could feel the weight of this moment, feel everything
crashing down around us and the lack of control was pushing him to the edge. He
stopped just in front of me, leveling his gaze to mine, his eyes intense and
stormy. “You and me.  We. Are. Real. We are the realist damn thing that there
is.  I know I screwed up. I know I have a mess to fix, but don’t you dare act
like this is something less than it is. I won’t let you.”

“It’s the same
thing, over and over again. You have a mess to fix, be patient…I’m done.  I
can’t keep waiting for you to put me first.”

He glared at
me and took a step closer and I flinched back. I saw the way that it cut him,
regret flashing across his face.

I couldn’t
speak. It felt too dangerous.  But I held his gaze. I needed him to see that I
was serious.  I saw it register and my pain was reflected back to me.  He
closed his eyes, defeated. He turned his back to me and I took the opportunity
to take a deep breath. I just had to get through this. I could break after he’d
left. The silence hung in the air between us for a long time.