Two Steps Back (16 page)

He
hastily whipped his face with the back of his hand and tried to smile but it looked like a grimace instead.

“God, I sound mad, yeah? We’re su
pposed to be having a good time. I’m sorry, babes. It’s just…I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want you to feel like you have to give up your dreams for me.”

“
You’re in luck because I wasn’t planning to,” she joked, trying to lighten his mood.

He chuckled for a moment before turning serious
again. “I am proud of you, you know. The way you picked up and started a whole new life in London is nothing short of amazing. It takes guts. That’s one of the things I love about you.”

“My guts?” she said,
patting her stomach still trying to get him to smile a real smile. “That’s it?”

“Well, yes, a
nd this.” Johnny palmed her ass and they both giggled for several minutes. “But seriously, please let me know if I’m being overbearing. Don’t walk around resenting me in silence, innit. I suffered with that for too long with my father, I wouldn’t want you to hate me. I couldn’t bear it.”

“I could never hate you, Mr. Poku
,” she said, kissing him on the cheek.

He covered her mouth with his, parting her lips. “Good.”

“But…” she said, causing him to pull back. “I think you should call your mom. Sounds like you miss her.”

Johnny sighed. “I do.”

“So call her. Maybe your dad will come around, maybe he won’t. But I bet she wants to be a part of her grandchild’s life.”

“Yeah…she would.” He turned toward the
Garonne again. “She loves Bordeaux, you know. I sent my parents here for one of their anniversaries and she wouldn’t stop talking about it. ”

“Then
it’s settled. Promise you’ll call her.” She put her head on his chest and waited for an answer. “For me?”

“For you,” he said, leaning down to kiss Jaylah’s neck, “I’d do anything.”

She slipped her hand in his and began gently pulling him down the walkway.

“Ditto.”

Twenty

“We should get married here,” Johnny said as they walked along Rue Saint-Rémi after dinner. It was their last night in Bordeaux and they celebrated by dining at Le Gabriel, one of the finest restaurants in town. After seven decadent courses of fresh-baked bread with seaweed butter, roasted duck, Razor clams and diced sweet potatoes, assorted cheeses, and the most delectable chocolate soufflé she’d ever tasted, Jaylah suggested they amble through the streets on the way back to the hotel.

“Here in Bordeaux?”

Jaylah spoke before really giving either one of their questions a second thought; if she had, perhaps she would have held her tongue and let Johnny’s statement dissipate into the cool evening. But all Jaylah knew was that she was in France, sauntering through the city on her lover’s arm like a character in a Jean-Luc Godard film.

“Yeah, we could do it in the spring. The sun will be out,
all the flowers will be in bloom, it’ll be perfect, innit.”

“And I’ll be huge.”

Jaylah couldn’t imagine what she’d look like come April, two months shy of giving birth. She couldn’t fathom being stuffed into a lacy white dress and waddling down the aisle to meet Johnny. Just the thought of it made her giggle.

She dismissed the idea. “I don’t think so.”

“But it would be très romantique,” he said kissing the back of her hand as they moved past a group of tourists.

They turned onto Place de la Comédie and gazed at the Grand Théâtre, a magnificent structure whose stately columns glowed under the illuminated lamps. Jaylah marveled at the building, intoxicated by the mere sight of it. She spotted an oversized clock across from theater and decided to sit on its steps to soak it all in.

“
This trip has been nothing short of amazing.” She leaned over and kissed Johnny on the lips. “Thank you.”

Jaylah
threw her hands in the air. “Ohmygod, Johnny. Isn’t it beautiful?”

He smiled at her. “Definitely, which is why I think it’ll be perfect for the wedding.”

Her mood shifted.
The wedding. Why the hell is he thinking about the wedding now?

Their weekend in Bordeaux had confirmed what Jaylah already knew: she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Johnny.

Just when she thought she had him all figured out—hardworking, reliable, extremely protective—he surprised her with his sudden burst of spontaneity. And though he usually kept his inner-fears close to the vest, he’d allowed himself to open up and be vulnerable in a way that enlarged her heart.

But despite this,
despite their absolutely perfect jaunt to France, Jaylah still did not want to rush off and get married as soon as Johnny’s divorce was final. She wanted to be certain they weren’t moving too quickly or skipping over the steps that would ensure a happily ever after.

Jaylah
didn’t want to tell him about needing to postpone the wedding; she feared Johnny wouldn’t understand why she craved more time. But in spite of the risks, he had to know before her feelings turned into an ulcer that would kill them both.

“
It would be pretty awesome to get married in France—“

“Right?” he said cutting in. “It would be so perfect.”

“..But I think we should wait until after the baby’s born. I mean…”

Johnny chuckled. “Please don’t tell me you’re s
elf-conscious about showing. I know you’ll be a stunning bride, even when you’re seven months along.”

She squeezed his hand. “Thanks, babe, but…”

“But what?”

Jaylah took a deep breath and told herself to say the words that had been sitting on the tip of her tongue for week
s.

“I
want to wait until after the baby’s born to get married. Way after.”

He eyed her,
and she averted his gaze. “I don’t understand. Why?”

“What’s the rush? With everything going on, why do we have to get married now?”

“The baby will be here in a few months, Jaylah.”

“
And? Why do we have to get married before it’s born?”

“Because we’re going to be a family…”

“We don’t need a piece of paper to tell us that,” she cut in.

“I know. But,” he hesitated,
blowing a quick burst of air through his lips, “I want to do this the right way, innit.”

Jaylah sighed. She knew their
sprint toward marriage was as much about honor as it was love. If nothing else, Johnny was an honorable man who wanted to do right by her and the baby. The trouble was, he didn’t seem to realize he already had.

“Baby, nothing about our relationship has been done
the right way,”
she said. “We met when you were already married, for God’s sakes. But this isn’t the ‘50s, Johnny. No one is going to call our child a bastard or look at us sideways for not being married when it’s born. And if they do, fuck them.”

She stroked his hand and softened her tone.

“Can you honestly say, with everything that’s going on, that you’re ready to get married right now?”

Johnny straightened his back and
met her gaze. “Yes.”

Jaylah wanted
to ask how he could be so sure. She wanted to know how he could have one marriage die, and be in the middle of burying it, and still be certain they would survive.

B
ut she held her tongue.

“I
guess you can’t say the same?” he asked. “You don’t want to marry me, Jaylah?”

Her chest constricted and
Jaylah felt her heart splinter into a thousand jagged pieces when she saw the look on his face. Pain. Johnny’s face was streaked with pain. Her words had sliced into him, opening a deep wound she wanted desperately to heal.

“Of course I want to marry you, Johnny.
Of course.”

“Then I don’t understand. Why do you want to wait until after the baby’s born?”

She took a deep breath. Johnny had said he loved her guts and her ability to take a chance. The time had come to finally spill it, and perhaps, put their relationship on the line for the truth.

“
I just need more time.”

“Because you’re not sure about us?”

“Because I feel like everything’s moving so fast I can barely keep up. Do you realize that a year ago I was back in L.A. writing for the
Weekly
and trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my life?” She paused to take a breath. “And now,” Jaylah shook her head like she didn’t believe the story herself, “now I live in an entirely different country, finally have a job I enjoy, am four months pregnant with my first child, and am madly in love with a soon-to-be-divorced man who wants to get married
right
now
. Baby, this shit is scary. Can’t you understand that?”

“Of course I understand it.
I’m scared too, Jay.”

“So why are you in such a rush?”

He reached out to brush her hair behind her ear. “Because I love you, and—”

“You know how many people love each other and get divorced, Johnny?
A coupe of years from now I don’t want to be sitting across the room from you in court.”

He grimaced.

“I just want you to know I’m not going anywhere, Jaylah. That I’m committed to you, to our family.”

“
Johnny I don’t need a wedding to tell me what I already know, babe.”

They sat in silence, watching people stroll by and Jaylah wondered why Johnny seemed to desperately need a piece of paper to feel secure. Didn’t he know she was his from the moment they met? Didn’t he realize she had forsaken all others aft
er he’d pressed close to her that afternoon on the London Eye and watched the city open up beneath them?

Didn’t he know she was already his?

The irony of the situation was not lost on Jaylah. Usually it was the woman who needed reassurance, an official commitment, and God’s blessing. But this time, it was Johnny—confident, cocky, unshakable Johnny—who needed the guarantee.

“I’m not going anywhere,
babe,” she said, letting her thoughts spill over into words. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone.
Ever
. And I’m not giving it up.”

Johnny put his
arm around Jaylah’s shoulder and she leaned into him.

“
I just think it would be foolish to believe we can just hop, skip, and dive headfirst into marriage without giving ourselves time to get to know each other first. It’s been what? Six months? We need to see how we react when things aren’t all fun and exciting anymore. When shit gets really real, like when we’re both having a horrible day and the baby’s screaming.”

She gazed up into his face. “We deserve to know we can make it through that before we get married.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, we keep living our lives
, loving each other, and you give me some time to catch my breath.”

“How much time?”

She shrugged. “As much as I need?”

“
I’m a business man, remember? Can I get an estimate?”

Jaylah mulled over an answer until she landed on one that sounded like the truth. “A year. I need a year.”

Johnny considered her request for several tense moments.

“And what if I don’t want to wait that long?”

She cocked her head and eyeballed him.

“I’m not worth
the wait?” Jaylah challenged. “You said you love me and you want to marry me, and we’re a family, right? Why would you suddenly change your mind because I need a year?”

Johnny rubbed his temples and let out another gush of air.

“So I don’t have a choice in the matter?”

“You always have a choice, Johnny.
Even if you don’t like the options, you still get to choose.”

Jaylah stood and started toward the hotel.
When she got to the corner she realized Johnny was still sitting under the clock across from the theater. He appeared to be frozen, or praying, his head bowed and his hands clasped in front of his face.

As she made her way down the avenue Jaylah hoped
that whatever Johnny decided wouldn’t make her regret her words, which at the moment, had left her all alone.

Twenty-One

“Still giving me the silent treatment, huh?”

Jaylah watched Johnny slip into his coat and grab his satchel on his way out the door. Since returning from Bordeaux their conversations had been few and far between. Work seemed to once again occupy
the majority of Johnny’s time, and Jaylah threw herself into the comfortable distraction of deadlines. But a sinking feeling kept nagging at the side of her brain:
Did I fuck this up?

At first Jaylah was relieved that she’d finally come clean about wanting to postpone the wedding, but as the days
rolled by, and their conversations amounted to little more than passing chats about the weather, their schedules, or what they should eat for dinner, she started to get concerned.

New Johnny, the vulnerable man she’d seen in Bordeaux, recede
d into the background, and Jaylah was left with a brooding lover who appeared too angry to even speak to her.

“Don’t start this right now, Jaylah. I’ve got to get to the office early.”

“Right, meetings.” She rolled her eyes. “Gotta make that money, right?”

She didn’t want to start an argument, but if it got him to show a little passion—to get emotional, or angry, or
illustrate that he cared
at all—
she wouldn’t mind. Jaylah wanted her Johnny back, but she was afraid she’d pushed him away.

He let out an agitated sigh. “I don’t want to fight with you.”

“You don’t want to do
anything
with me lately, Johnny. What gives?”

He gripped the handle of his bag tighter and glanced at the door. “Look, I’m sorry. I just have a lot to contend with right now.”

“Like what?”

He glanced at his watch and sat his bag
down.

“Like Femi’s in Lago
s trying to sure up our deal with Seven Energy and I’m stuck doing twice the work at JPFS, and according to Charles, Fiona’s trying to change the terms of our agreement.”

Jaylah’s eyebrows shot up at the mention of
his ex-wife’s name. “She what?”

“She’s still trying to negotiate, or rather renegotiate. I really don’t know what’s going on, but Charles says he’s handling it.”
Johnny rubbed the spot where his beard would be if he let it grow, and shrugged. “Sorry I’ve been a bit preoccupied, but the whole world can’t revolve around you, Jaylah.”

She recoiled. “What did you say?”

“Nothing. Look, I have to go, okay?”

He turned to leave, but Jaylah rushed to cut him off at the door.

“We’re not finished, Johnny,” she said, crossing her arms. “Why are you so angry with me?”

He rubbed his eyes an
d groaned. “I’m not.”

“Oh really? You’ve barely talked to me since we’ve been back, we haven’t made love, and now you’re calling me spoile
d.” She glared at him. “If that’s not angry, I don’t know what is.”

“I can’t do this right now, okay? You think I’m angr
y. Fine. Believe what you want. I’m angry. Now can I leave?”

“It’s not about me believing what I want, Johnny. I just want to know what’s going on. Every since we agreed to postpone the wedding, things have been—“

Johnny let out a harsh laugh, damn near doubling over as he howled.

“Please…let me in on the joke.”

“
We
agreed to postpone the wedding?”

“Yes, we
said—“

“
You
said, Jaylah. Not me. Remember that.”

She put her hands on her hips. “No, you chose—“

“Let’s not even have
that
conversation again. Yes, I chose to agree to your terms. What were alternatives? To breakup? To move out and be a weekend father? To be apart from the woman I love? What kind of fucked up choices did I actually have? You were the one holding all the cards.”

“This isn’t a game, Johnny. I don’t—“

“Damn right it’s not a game,” he said, raising his voice. “Everything I’ve done these past few months has been for us, so we can have a good life, and you don’t even want it.”

Jaylah
stepped toward Johnny and grabbed his tie, pulling him in close. She softened her tone.

“I know, and
I appreciate everything you do.” Jaylah planted a soft kiss on his chin and she could feel him relax. He slid an arm around her waist. “And of course I want this life, babe.”

“Just not until next year.”

“Johnny, I—“

He kissed her on lips,
shushing her. “I get it, Jaylah, okay? I don’t like it, but I get it.”

As Jaylah watched him walk out the door
she hoped he did.

* * *

Jourdan waved at Jaylah through the window of Coffee & Candy as soon as she spotted her outside the door. Even though she was in the middle of crafting a pitch to snag her biggest client to date, Jourdan agreed to meet Jaylah for lunch.

“T
hat’s what sisters do!” she had said, bushing aside Jaylah’s suggestion to just connect later after calling Jourdan in tears.

After her morning conversation with Johnny, Jaylah felt
on edge. He said he understood why she wanted to wait a year before getting married, but she wasn’t sure he actually did.

When he
headed off to work Jaylah fritted around the flat, running their conversation through her head. But after a few hours of thinking of things she
could
have said to make him grasp her point, she realized rehashing the whole thing was pointless and called Jourdan instead.

“You’re trying to make me fat, aren’t you?” Jaylah said, eyeing the pastries and sweets that lined the walls of the café as she sat down.

“Well, you’re five months along, isn’t it about time you start looking pregnant?”

“Oh, trust me, I do,” she said patting her small bump. “
You haven’t seen me naked, remember?”

Jourdan chortled.
“Perish the thought!”

“How’s the pitch coming along?” Jaylah changed the subject wanting to talk about something other than being pregnant. Aside from a serious bout of morning sickness in the beginning, things had moved along without much fuss, and sometimes, Jaylah
even forgot she was carrying a child at all.

“Driving me bloody insane!” Jourdan threw up her hand in an exaggerated motion. “I almost want to forget the whole thing.”

“You can’t do that, J. The 30 Under 30 opening was amazing. Imagine how much of a bigger deal landing the Gagosian account would be for you guys.”

Jourdan sipped her Irish coffee.
“I know. I just need to get my head in the game.”

“Need me to do anything? Who’s the competition? I can write something salacious
about them.” Jaylah laughed, trying to lift her friend’s spirits. “They might suddenly find themselves in the middle of a scandal.”

“No thanks, sissy. You’re supposed to be using your powers for good. I’m the bad twin, remember?”

“Well, the offer’s on the table whenever you need it.”

“Thanks, Jay.”
Jourdan patted Jaylah’s hand. “Feeling better?”

Jaylah released a long sigh. “Define better?”

“Well, you’re offering to take down my competitors and you’re not crying anymore, so that’s a start.”

“Then I guess I am. It’s just…
” She sat back in her chair and searched for the right words. “I don’t want to lose him, Jourdan. He looked so hurt when I came clean about the wedding. And you know how men react when they get hurt.”

Jourdan nodded. “They shut down.”

“Exactly! And that’s what I’m afraid he’s doing. We barely talk, we haven’t had sex, I don’t know what to do.”

“It sounds like he needs a little reassurance you don’t have one foot out the door.”

“I’m pregnant, J, why would I even dream of leaving now?”

“Be
cause you can. And he knows it.” Jourdan stirred her coffee. “Look, men like Johnny, men who are used to being the provider and taking care of everyone and everything, they need to feel useful. It probably scares the piss out of him that you don’t need
him in the way he’s used to being needed.”

“Because I have a job?”

“And a life, and a career, and your own flat—which he’s probably not really happy he lives in, by the way.”

“He’s never said anything
about that…”

“
Why would he, Jay? He wants to be with you, and the last time he mentioned getting a place together you shut him down.”

Jaylah shook her head.
“But that was back when I wasn’t even sure I was keeping the baby.”

“And? Men have long
memories, too,” Jourdan said. “Think about it. Johnny can buy just about any house in London, but he’s sharing a one bedroom flat you subleased from someone else. Where are you guys going to put the baby? In the pantry?” Jourdan laughed at her own suggestion. “He’s a planner, Jay. You don’t think he made all that money by accident, do you?”

Jaylah stared
at Jourdan unable to speak, bowled over by her friend’s insight.

Had Johnny been following her lead all along?
Did she
really
hold all the cards like he said she did?

Jourdan continued, snatching Jaylah out of her thoughts.

“And all of his plans are being derailed by the woman he loves most who happens to needs him the least. Johnny probably doesn’t even know how to handle it all.”

Jaylah considered her friend
’s words. Was Johnny going through the motions and agreeing to
all
of her terms just to make her happy? Did he want something more, but was afraid to voice his own needs because he didn’t want to lose
her?

“Oh my God, J! You’re right. He’s been settling…for me,” she said, bringing a hand to her chest like she had a breakthrough.

Jourdan nod
ded at Jaylah, looking pleased.

“And all this time I thought I was the one bending over backward for him…”

Jaylah couldn’t believe it. While she spent months considering what
she
needed from the relationship to feel comfortable, loved, and respected, she never gave Johnny’s needs the same amount of contemplation.

Because of their beginning
, things
had
to be on her terms, right? How else could she be certain he wouldn’t run off and fall in love with the next woman who made him feel alive?

But while
Jaylah was busy guarding her heart, trying to read between Johnny’s words, testing the limits of his patience, and doling out her trust in tiny increments, she couldn’t see what was right in front of her eyes. Johnny had given himself to her fully, completely, and without reservation. And she was the one who was holding back.

Jaylah shot out of her seat and threw on her coat.

“I gotta go”

“What? Where? We haven’t even eaten yet.”

“I know, J. But I
have
to go see him. We need to sort this out!” Jaylah rushed to the other side of the table and kissed her friend on the cheek. “Thanks Jourdan…for everything.”

“No problem, sissy. It’s my pleasure.”

Jaylah pulled £20 out of her purse and laid it on the table.

“Lunch is on me,” she said before running out café
to get her man.

* * *

Jaylah bounded off the elevator and into the office of JPFS just as the receptionist was leaving to take a late lunch.

“Hey, is Mr. Poku in a meeting?” she asked as the woman stepped
past her and onto the lift.

“No, but
he’s…”

The doors closed before the receptionist had a chance to finish her sentence. Jaylah
checked herself out in the plate glass window overlooking the wharf, smoothing down stray hairs and wishing she had gone home to change into something a little sexier than jeans and a flowery tunic before surprising Johnny.

After
deciding she looked presentable enough, Jaylah rushed down the hall toward Johnny’s office with a sudden gleeful bounce in her step.

We’re going to fix this. We’re going
to get back to our normal life,
she thought as she reached his office.

Jaylah rapped on the door with two quick
knocks and plastered a huge smile on her face. Instead of waiting for Johnny to welcome her in she opened the door, but stopped in her tracks when she saw a raven-haired woman sitting across from him.

Johnny
glanced up from behind his desk and looked startled to see her in the doorway.

“Jaylah? What are you doing here?”