Two Steps Back (6 page)

“Yes?”

“I think…” she paused, stretching the moment out as long as possible. “I think I want to give it a shot.”

He spun her around to face him. “You serious?
” A smile shot across his handsome face before it turned serious again. “Wait, what does, ‘give it a shot mean’?”

“The baby. I’m
going to have the baby, Johnny.” She stared into his face, which grew into an enormous grin. “I just hope I’m making the right choice.”

Jaylah started to cry. They were not
just tears of joy; she was terrified, excited, and unsure of herself all at once. She’d thought about the blob,
her baby
, for the past few weeks, and although she wasn’t sure she was ready to be a mother, Jaylah could never bring herself to make the appointment to end her child’s life either.

Despite
the pressure, she wasn’t having this baby for her mother or Jourdan or even Johnny. She had made this choice on her own, based on her own gut instincts. No matter what happened between them, Jaylah knew she could pull this parenting thing off—even if she had to do it alone.

“Oh my God, Jaylah. Thank you
. Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Johnny found her mouth and thanked her with his tongue. When he pulled away, she noticed the corners of his eyes were damp.

“Are you crying?

“No,” he laughed, wiping his face. “I was hoping you would keep the baby, but I wasn’t sure you actually would. This is the happiest day of my life, Jaylah.”

“
Your entire life?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“
Yes, it’s right up there with the day we rode the London Eye. That changed everything, innit.”

H
e was right; that day had been the beginning of them. Before that afternoon she chalked up her attraction to him as fleeting and purely carnal, but after that day, she wanted to be an irreplaceable part of his world.

Had she willed this to happen? Jaylah would
never have gotten pregnant on purpose, but the baby cemented her place in Johnny’s life.

Today she was happy. Today she tried not to let her fears and doubts overtake her joy. Today she felt loved and cared for and protected. Had Johnny asked her to marry him again in that moment she would have
said yes, but he hadn’t.

And she was thankful.

Even though she’d agreed to have the baby, their relationship would still take work. Jaylah had to work to trust him again, work to take him at his word, and work to love him without conditions.

Before they left,
Jaylah asked the Goddess of the Sea to give her the strength to put herself first—no matter what.

Nine

“Why don’t you join me,” Johnny said, patting t
he empty space on the bed.

Jaylah heard him in the distance, but was transfixed by the view of the
ocean outside his window. A million thoughts fought for space inside her brain. How would she break the news of her pregnancy to her editor? Could she work until the day she gave birth? How much time would she need to take off? Would Johnny’s divorce be final before their child was born? Would she even be a good mother?

Usually
Jaylah was alone when she spiraled down the long and winding rabbit hole of her mind, but this time Johnny was there. And he wanted her attention. Jaylah didn’t mean to tune him out, but her brain would not shut off, no matter how much she wished it would.

He crossed the room, slung an arm around her waist, and kissed her on the neck. “What are you thinking about?”

“Everything,” she said, wanting to keep her private thoughts to herself for a while. She knew Johnny loved her. She could tell by the way he looked at her, adoringly, like she was the sun breaking through a cloudy London day. But Jaylah also knew Johnny wanted her to just give in—to him, to his demands, their love affair—and she wasn’t sure she could do that just yet.

Jaylah had dreams, big ones that sometimes scared the shit out of her, but
also made her feel flat out alive. Moving to another country had always been a dream, but she suppressed it and instead put her head down and busted her ass at the
L.A. Weekly
hoping that one day she’d be able to spend a summer in Cape Town or jet to Paris to write about the influence of pop culture abroad.

T
hat felt like eons ago. Three years after she’d graduated from NYU Jaylah had relegated her dreams to some hazy spot in the future that damn near disappeared from view. But then she got fired. And her life suddenly shifted in such a severe way she couldn’t help but find the pieces of herself that had been scraped away by work, family, and her surrender to responsibility.

“Can
’t you do that later?” He skimmed the base of her neck with his lips and coaxed her back to reality. “It’s been a while, innit?”

“Has it?”

“Yes. You’ve been upset with me, so a brotha’s been cut off,” he said, finding her lips, taking his time to linger over her full pout before kissing her. She could feel him trembling, perhaps even aching. It had been a weeks since they fused their bodies together and danced.

“Is that right?”
she asked, already knowing the answer.

“Mmm hmm. But
we can make up for lost time.” Johnny caressed her breasts through the soft fabric of her dress, giving her nipple a playful pinch. “I don’t plan on leaving this room for the next two days.”

She turned to face him.
“That’s a lot of time indoors. How will you keep from getting bored?”

“Oh, I have a few ideas.
” He slipped her dress over her head and running his tongue along her collarbone.

“Leave it
on,” she commanded, grabbing for the gauzy fabric.

He stared at her confused. “Why?”

“I’m fat. Look at me.” Jaylah threw her hands up, already self-conscious about her growing abdomen. “I’m only eight weeks along and I already look
so pregnant!”

Johnny
flung his head back and laughed. “We must be looking at two different people, innit.” He took the dress and chucked it across the room. “You look stunning, as always, love.”

“You’re just saying that because you want some.
”

“Yes,” he
said, pressing into her, revealing the bulge straining against his zipper. “But also because it’s the truth.”

She eyed him in disbelief, refusing to completely yield to his touch, too busy caught up in her own
head.

Before she could say anything else, Johnny scooped he
r up and carried Jaylah to the bed, placing her on the duvet as if she were a fragile box and he was scared to break whatever it contained. He straddled her legs, unclasping her bra and tossing it over his shoulder before leaning in to her nipples. They instinctively swelled as soon as his tongue grazed her skin, reminding her of how long it had actually been since they’d made love.

T
oo long
, Jaylah’s body seemed to moan in response to his touch,
way too damn long.

Johnny
slid her panties down and traced her legs in warm kisses until he got to the space between her thighs. He stuck his tongue into the damp opening, gently probing her walls and lapping up her nectar until Jaylah let out faint
ooohs
and
ahhhs
, cheering him on.

Jaylah stared down the length of her body and watched Johnny
slurp her up until he found the
spot,
that spot
, that made her writhe beneath him, begging for more.
Please, please, please
she thought, but could not get out more than a whimper. Instead, she moved her hips faster as the pressure grew in her loins, hoping Johnny would get the hint and climb inside her.

A growing rumble
vibrated through Jaylah’s body, threatening to take her over the edge. She bit her lip and enjoyed the sparks shooting through her belly. Johnny continued to drink her up until she let out a sharp breath, then released the pressure building in her body by screaming out his name like it was an ancient chant.

Johnny, Jo
hnny, Johnny
.
Damn, Johnny.

Unable to wait any longer, he slid into her and moved in slow, deep circles
, nibbling on her earlobe and whispering vulgar phases that excited her even more. She grabbed his ass, pulling him deeper into her body, fusing them together once again. Johnny’s body felt like home, warm, familiar and welcoming of her touch.

“I love you, Jaylah,” he panted between strokes
that felt
so, so good
she could hardly concentrate. “I love you, girl. I love you.”

He
rolled Jaylah onto her side and entered her from behind, caressing her taut nipples and kissing her shoulder as he pounded into her. They moved together, keeping each other’s rhythm as if nothing had gone wrong between them.

It had been weeks since they made love, weeks of arguing over phone lines and text messages, weeks of hurt feelings followed by promises that things
would work out, weeks of doubts. But in that moment they were completely in sync, moving as a singular person being fueled by a singular craving.

Johnny slipped a finger inside her and rubbed
Jaylah’s clit as he moved within her. She felt an immediate sensation radiate through her body and the tension between her thighs multiplied tenfold, causing her to quake for a second time. He quickened his pace, and Jaylah braced herself for the orgasm quickly winding its way through her frame.

Then it happened. S
he lost control, convulsing as waves of passion crashed against her thighs, fingers, toes, breasts, and finally rushed to straight to her head. Johnny continued thrusting, tightly grabbing her hips and tugging a handful of Jaylah’s hair until he let out a primal grunt and collapsed beside her.

They gasped for air, trying to recover from what had just transpired between them. His head
lay across her back, and she turned to face him.

“I missed you, too,”
Jaylah said, touching the side of his smooth face.

Johnny
chuckled. “But do you love me?”

“
I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

“I don’t know. You could be using me for my body,” he teased.

“True, it
is
pretty awesome. I mean, did you see how you picked me up?” They laughed, and then slipped into the comfortable silence of satisfied, post-coital couples.

“So…” Jaylah hesitated, finally speaking up. “My parents
want to meet you.”

“Good. When?”

“Tomorrow. My mom is cooking ‘a proper dinner,’” Jaylah said, mimicking her mother.

“Hmmm, sounds formal. I didn’t bring a suit.”

“You don’t need a suit, they just want to know what kind of man you are.”

“Did you tell them about…”

Jaylah looked at him like he was crazy. “Your wife?”

“My pending divorce,” he corrected her.

“No. And we aren’t going to, okay? That would be an invitation for them to hate you and you want to make a good impression.”

“Then I better get a suit,” he
chortled. “I’m going to take a shower, then you can take me to find one, yeah?”

“I thought you weren’t leaving this room for two days.”

“Change of plans, babes.” He kissed her. “But don’t worry. That was only the beginning.” Johnny winked then disappeared into the bathroom.

Only the beginning,
she thought.
Of what?

Jaylah hoped for good things, hoped her parents would love Johnny as much as she did, but she knew her mot
her would be tough to win over.

She prayed this was the beginning of their happy, drama-free life, but
she knew they had a few more obstacles to clear before they could be one little blissful family. In her heart, she believed they could handle her parents, the baby, her job, and Johnny’s divorce. But her mind, that thing that just wouldn’t shut off, had its doubts.

Jaylah didn’
t know which one was right, but in that moment she knew she would follow her heart, wherever it lead.

Ten

“So, where do you want to go?” she asked once they were back in the car.

“W
here can I get a good suit?”

“Depends. Do you want to drop a few hundred dollars at J.C. Penny, or a few thousand at Armani?”

Johnny scrunched up his face, “J.C. Penny? What’s that?”

Jaylah chuckled, remembering how she used to love looking through Penny’s overstuffed catalog as a child, picking out dresses and
matching shiny shoes. She imagined Johnny thumbing through cheap suits, wondering if his tailor, yes,
his tailor
, could at least make the one he selected look like he’d gotten it from a mid-priced store.

“Never mind,” she said, “
I know you’re more of a—how do you say?—smartly dressed bloke?”

Johnny nodded and
Jaylah threw the car in gear, heading toward Rodeo Drive. He watched as she switched lanes, honking and mumbling curse words under her breath as traffic inched along Sepulveda Boulevard. She caught a glimpse of him shaking his head after she yelled at a driver who had cut her off.

“What?” she asked, changing lanes and glaring at yet another incompetent
motorist.

He
cracked an easy smile. “I’ve just never seen this side of you. You’re almost as bad as the cabbies back home.”

“Whatever,” she
said, sticking out her tongue. “I forgot how much I hate driving. I’m so used to taking the Tube now.”

“Perhaps, you should get used to it again, yeah? As you get further along, I think I would feel more comfortable if you drove instead of took the
train. Those things get stuck all the time. I would hate for you to be trapped underground and go into labor or something.”

She cut her eyes at him. “You’d rather me go into labor while driving?”

“Of course not. I’d rather be there, but babies are unpredictable, innit?”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine Johnny,” she kissed her teeth. “
You worry too much.”

He
reached across the seat and placed his hand on her stomach. “I have every right.”

Fifteen minutes passed before either of them spoke
again. Johnny gazed at Los Angeles whizzing by his window, while an annoying voice began gnawing at the corner of Jaylah’s brain.

Don’t take the T
ube? What kind of crazy suggestion is that?
the voice asked.
Be careful girl, it’s only the beginning. He’s trying to control you.

Jaylah quieted the voice and reminded herself that men—good men like her father—doted on their women.

She’d seen it first hand. Though she was an only child, Jaylah’s mother had been pregnant before. As a mater of fact, Jaylah had had a little brother—Julian--when she was seven, but the baby died a month after he was born. The doctor said he’d passed away from SIDS.

“Just like that,”
he had said, snapping his fingers to demonstrate how her little brother’s life could be snuffed out so suddenly.

Jaylah’s
mother was devastated. She took to her bed, grieving the loss of her son and barely tending to her daughter. For months, Jaylah watched as her father catered to her mother, cooking meals, cleaning the house, and rearranging his schedule at work to nurse Mrs. Baldwin back to herself. Jaylah’s father also lavished his baby girl with attention, aware of how much of a toll her mother’s depression was having on her little seven-year-old life.

Jaylah glanced over at Johnny. He certainly reminded her of her father. When her morning sickness had gotten so bad she was sprawled out on the couch for days, Johnny brought his office to her flat so he could still close deals while making sure she didn’t become dehydrated again and end up in hospital. Despite their beginning, Johnny
had been a man of his word. He showed up when he said he would, called daily to make sure she was okay, and if she ever needed to bury a body, she knew he’d be there with the shovel.

Johnny was a good man, but there was a thin line between concerned partner and controlling mate. She promised herself to pay attention to which s
ide of the divide Johnny towed.

“Here we are,” Jaylah said, breaking the quiet that had enveloped them. “You have just about every high end retailer here, want to try Neiman Marcus first?”

“I’m just the passenger, babes, you lead the way.”

She
parked the car behind the store, which took up an entire block, and she and Johnny made their way inside.

As soon as they entered
Neiman Marcus Jayleh felt underdressed, the £20 floral maxi dress and jean jacket she picked up at Cafe Vintage seemed too boho for such an elegant space. She watched the sales associates, dressed in crisp black suits and sensible heels, size her up then dismiss her as too poor to shop in their venerable store. They were partially right. Jaylah’s budget was more suited for bargain hunting and sample sales than spending thousands of dollars on a Givenchy bag. But there was no harm in browsing, right?

The first floor
of the department store glistened with its polished marble floors, ambient lighting, and stately glass cases full of wares Jaylah could scarcely afford. As usual, Johnny strode through the store confident he belonged. Unlike Jaylah, he often bought things without looking at the price, never glanced at the check before whipping out his credit card to pay a bill, and regularly spent more on a perfectly tailored suit than she paid in rent.

Jaylah enjoyed the fruits of Johnny’s labor, never having to pay for a beer,
a dinner, or a night out when they were together, but their unequal financial footing made her nervous.

Now that they were expecting a child would he
insist she give up her career under the guise of being concerned for the baby? Would he use his money to control her life, her decisions? Would she become so dependent upon him that she couldn’t afford to leave, even if it were necessary?

Jaylah
vowed she’d keep her
In Case Shit Happens
account fully funded, just in case she needed to make an escape; she refused to be trapped.

They
had been in the store for ten minutes and not one clerk had given them more than a passing glance. They were no closer to finding the men’s department, so Johnny took the lead. They walked toward a woman rearranging gold watches in a display case and waited for her to acknowledge them. When she didn’t even look up, Johnny spoke up.

“Pardon me, ma’am,” he said, deploying the formal British accent he usually reserved for business. Jaylah watched as the woman’s expression changed from annoyed to
enamored once she finally looked at Johnny. As she padded toward them, the gaunt woman curled a wisp of blonde hair behind her ear and smiled a little too wide for Jaylah’s liking.

“How can I help you, sir?” she said, ignoring Jaylah.

“I’m looking for the men’s department. Where might I find it?”

“Take the escalators all the way up to the top floor,” she said, sticking out her chest and showing all of her chemically whitened teeth.

“Brilliant. Thank you.”

Ugh, even the sales clerks are s
oooo L.A.
, Jaylah thought.

“Would you like me to show you
, sir?” the blonde asked, running a hand across her cleavage, as they turned to leave.

“No, no. I’m sure we can sort it out from here
. Thank you again,” Johnny said, smiling at the blonde.

Jaylah held her tongue until they got on the escalator. She was used to women fawning over Johnny
while they were out, he was gorgeous after all, and in London, black men like him (well-mannered, moneyed, gorgeous) rarely had unambiguously black women on their arms. The difference? Usually the women back home had the decency to at least acknowledge her while they shamelessly flirted with her man.

“Would you like me to show you?” Jaylah mocked the clerk’s valley girl tone. “I’m sure she wasn’t talking about
the men’s department. Did you see the way she was looking at you? Ugh.”

“R
eally? I didn’t notice.”

“Yeah, sure you didn’t. That type of thing happens like every time we go out. How can you not notice it?”

“I don’t know, I’m used to it I guess,” he shrugged like someone had asked him about the weather and he’d said,
I don’t know, mate, looks like rain.

“Humble, much?”

Johnny chuckled and placed his hand on the small of Jaylah’s back as they transferred from one escalator to another. “That’s not what I meant. Women have always been nice to me.”

“Johnny there’s nice, and then there’s
attempted seduction. She was flirting with you like I wasn’t even there. Who did she think I was? Your sister?” Jaylah said, irritated he didn’t seem to be troubled by the scene.

“It’s all the same to me, I suppose. I’m not the one doing the flirting so it doesn’t bother me.”

“Of course it doesn’t bother
you
, you’re not the one watching your partner get hit on by pretty women.”

“She was pretty?” Johnny teased
, craning his neck toward the bottom of the escalator. “And I am the one at times. I’ve seen how men look at you, babes, especially when you’re wearing a tight dress. Mmm!” He brought his fingers to his lips, then kissed them like an Italian chef tasting something good. “But as long as they don’t cross the line, it doesn’t bother me.”

“Well, you won’t have to worry about all that. Soon, I’ll be huge.”

“I know,” he said, putting his hand to her stomach and grinning. “I can’t wait.”

* * *

Jaylah watched Johnny move through the men’s department as if he was a seasoned fashion expert, and in many ways he was. He knew what worked on his toned body, and quickly brushed off suggestions that would not compliment his six-foot-two-inch frame.

“I prefer a
British cut suit,” she heard him tell the salesman. “You know, two buttons, nipped in at the waist?”

The pair sorted through endless rows of dark colored
ensembles, looking for one that was suitable enough for meeting her parents. Jaylah took a seat and eyed Johnny as he picked through the racks, handing off several options to the clerk before checking out the shirts.

Jaylah loved watching him, that’s how sh
e’d spotted him the first night, dancing under the flickering lights of the Mau Mau Bar. From the moment she saw him across the room keeping time with the beat, she couldn’t take her eyes off of him.

Gorgeous. Intense. Cocksure. She was drawn to Johnny’s quiet confidence and his ability to dominate the space, any space, without even trying.

Nothing had changed since that first night.

Back in her flat she’d
sit in bed and watch him get dressed for work. After spending the night, he’d emerge from the shower with a towel tightly wrapped around his abdomen and begin shaving his face with the precision of a seasoned barber.

“
What
?”
He’d asked her once when he noticed Jaylah staring at him. “Did I miss a spot?”

She’d laughed at the thought of it. “
Nah.”

“Then why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” she said, cocking her head to the side to take him in at a new angle.

“Like you’re sizing me up.” He crossed
the room to sweep his lips across hers before tasting her tongue.

Jaylah shrugged and smiled. “Just because…” she
told him, holding back the urge to say she hoped this was how they would be forever.

Johnny
sauntered over to her, dress shirts in hand, and placed a sloppy kiss on her forehead. “Be right back, yeah? I’m going to try these on.”

She nodded and watched him disappear into the dressing room.

Johnny is buying a suit to meet my parents. That means something right?

Sure he said he loved her, jumped on a plane and
flew 5,000 miles because she insisted they speak in person, and was careful to update her about the changes in his life, but what did that really mean? And more importantly, what did she want it to mean?

The fact remained—Johnny was still
married.

The word rolled through her brain like a freight train threatening to derail her dreams of happily ever after.

Yes, he’d moved out of his house and had taken her with him to see the solicitor, but that didn’t
mean
anything right now. Johnny and Fiona had been married for four years and were together throughout most of their time at University. Every memory he had from college, every family gathering he’d attended for the last decade, and every time he’d made love before they met, Fiona had been by his side.

How could she compete with that?

Their affair had been a powerful whirlwind, consuming them both at breakneck speed and uprooting the course of their lives. But Johnny was still married, and people changed their minds about getting divorced all the time.  How could she be sure he wouldn’t do the same?