Trust Me (24 page)

“What’s the deal Noah?”

“Called her last night but she won’t answer. I texted her today and said I wanted a second chance, but she aint talkin’.” He sounded so defeated and I couldn’t help but feel for him. What he did was bullshit and Candy had every right to run from him. I also knew that Noah never sees himself as worthy. I truly think that he thought Candy was bluffing, that he was unlovable and took the fangirl thinking he was at her level. It is truly sad how low he sees himself.

“Let me talk to her and see where she’s at emotionally. I get why you did what you did, but that’s because I know your past. Candy knows enough but she doesn’t have to be a victim of it either. She wants you though Noah, I don’t think she’s ready to give up yet. Let her stew on it, let her torture you into making a bold move. But do not go fuck some random chick to wash her out of your mind. Come up with some grand gesture and blow her mind but let her be mad for now.”

He was nodding but quiet as I spoke, completely unlike him. “What if she won’t forgive me?” He sounds so much younger than he is and I want to protect him and his heart even though I know I can’t.

“Then you wish her the best, learn from your mistakes and hope like hell you find someone as amazing as her again.”

“Fuck…” He sighed and stared out over the water with a blank look on his face. “Beg her for me sissy.” He said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

“No worries big bro, if I can sell you to anyone it’s Candy.”

He chuckles and I nudge his shoulder. “Look I made an appointment with a therapist to talk about all this sex shit in my head. I need to sort out the bad from the good and it got me to thinking.” I looked to him and forced his eyes to meet mine so he knew how serious I was. “I think you should talk to someone too Noah, I think it could help you.”

He said nothing and just looked at me. I know he hated the idea of therapy, but seeing him relapse, blow shit with Candy, the stress of our dad being back and my relationship with Chad might be more than he can handle.

Noah smiled and kissed the top of my head before he chuckles light heartedly. “Not gonna happen baby girl.” He said and walked into the house without another word.

At least I tried.

Doctor Doctor

Can’t you see I’m burnin’ burnin’

Doctor Doctor

Is this love I’m feeling

Thompson Twins

Chapter Fifteen

A week later I found myself sitting in Dr. Arvin’s office trying to explain my crazy issues. Chad and I had spent the majority of this last week in bed. It was only getting better between us sexually, it seemed the filthier his mouth got, the harder he restrained me or pulled my hair, the harder I came and wanted more.

“I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I have been terrified of emotion and touch unless it came from Noah. Chad has been my dream guy, the one I would fantasize about and hope for. I never thought he would feel for me what I do for him. I don’t know how to go from absolute terror to complete and utter satisfaction.” I don’t even know if I am making sense but I’m on a roll so I just keep talking.

“I don’t question my love for Chad. I don’t even question my desire for him. I question how it’s possible that all the memories I have growing up are about my being terrified bound and raped and always at my dad’s mercy. I spent so many days and nights in physical pain because of the extent of what he did…” I choke on a sob I didn’t even know had erupted and I dash the tears from my eyes. I hate nothing more than crying over things Brad Beckett did to me. “How is it possible that I find the roughness, the restraint so hot? I should be scared not dying for more.”

She looks at me and I don’t know if she is waiting for me to finish, or if she is trying to process all I’ve unloaded on her. I wait though and I almost forget to breathe while waiting for the answer. “You truly believe that you should feel fear when Chad exerts control sexually?”

I bite my lip and nod.

“That sort of behavior and thinking is common in masochistic and sadist tendencies.” I swear to God she said it like it wasn’t the most terrifying thing she could have said to me.

“I don’t think you understand what I am saying. I do not want to be slapped, spanked, tied up, cropped, burned or punished in anyway. I do not have a desire to inflict those same things on Chad. What I like is the loss of control. I like that he is dirty and rough. I liked being restrained by him, not with rope or cuffs, but by his body.”

She nods and I start thinking of all the pretty purses I could have bought with the one hundred and fifty dollars I am paying her. “There are different degree’s of both. I’m not implying that you are either of those things. I am explaining the commonalities between the two.” She sets her notepad down and leans in like we are suddenly best friends. “I think, and I say this off the record Carrie- I think that Chad being the only positive sexual relationship you have had has a lot to do with where the emotion is coming from. You have known Chad and loved him far longer than the emotional aspect of your relationship. You have trusted him for years and that type of trust isn’t there when most relationships begin. I think you like him having control sexually because it is freeing to you.”

“And the medical opinion?” I ask hoping it’s different from her opinion as a woman. Her womanly opinion made way too much damn sense.

“My professional opinion is the same.” She sits back and smiles. The smile is warm and oddly comforting. “I can’t tell you what is right and wrong in your sexual relationship with Chad. I can’t because you aren’t insecure by it. If you were left feeling degraded or ashamed because you didn’t like how he treated you, then I would suggest ways to cope with the trauma of your past and how it is relating to your sexual relationship now.” She shakes her head no. “However you said you felt elated, free even. There is nothing wrong with your desires Carrie. As long as you communicate your wants and needs to Chad and he respects them, then I find nothing wrong at all. Should either one of you cross a boundary that the other has set, then that’s when there is a cause for concern.”

I take in what she said and I do feel better having her professional opinion. It was pretty much the same as her womanly opinion but it had more words and terms and stuff and that made it feel more official. Call me crazy but it helped. “What about the underlying issues though?”

I ask this because I am paying her for the next twenty-two minutes and maybe that can be answered as well.

“What about them?” She asks her notepad back in hand and her professional Dr. face back on.

“How can I heal?” It sounds so simple to ask but I know that there is no true healing from it.

She looks sad and drops that fucking notepad again. This chick is like two different people.

“I can’t begin to imagine what it was like growing up for you. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that your story is the worst case of sexual abuse I have ever had in my office. To see you in college and happy… to see you concerned with your own relationship? Well it speaks volumes on how strong a woman you are. Most people in your shoes would have trouble surviving in normal day to day life. Your brother and his invention of ‘Trust Me’ most likely saved you both. I hear stories like this and I am disgusted by the laws that don’t protect children like you and Noah. There should be no statute of limitations when the crime is sexual abuse. As a child, Carrie, you didn’t know, didn’t have the capacity to understand what was being done to you. By the time you both were able to run, able to understand what was happening, your time was up.” She looks away then and I can see a slight shimmer in her eyes and I am taken back seeing such emotion from someone in her field.

“I don’t think you need healing Carrie. You are very strong and you have survived a gruesome nightmare. If there was any advice I think you could benefit from it would be to enjoy your life. Love Chad Blake and let him in. Letting people in is the easy part, it’s trusting them once they are there that sucks. You trust Chad it seems implicitly.”

“I do.”

“Then there’s your answer. Let yourself be loved. If it doesn’t work out you have survived so much, the lesson learned in loving him will only make you stronger.”

I smile. “Is that your professional opinion or the woman’s opinion?” I ask with a light chuckle.

“It is my humble opinion.”

I don’t know what to say but seeing I still have seven minutes I go for broke. “And dealing with my father at the trust meeting, knowing he baited Noah asking about me?”

She almost cringes, in fact I know she does but she is professional enough to not let me see it. “I would limit the contact to the meeting. Let the attorneys hash the trust out and avoid speaking with him. Make sure that the trust attorney knows that you have nothing to say to him and they should be able to handle it for you. Make sure that if he does make a threat or refuses to keep his distance that you document everything if you chose to get the authorities involved.”

“The cops won’t help. Our dad is a Sergeant with Seattle PD.”

“He’s in law enforcement? Was he always in law enforcement?” She asks, her tone shocked that he could live two separate lives.

“Yeah. Our mom handled the Joints business until she passed away. Dad was just a beat cop back then so he gave the reins over to Seth and Lilly.”

“But you never thought to tell someone about the abuse?” Her tone was making me nervous because I felt like she was judging me.

“He threatened us. He said that he would make sure we were separated when we were dropped in foster care. He told Noah that he treated me better than what a foster home would and back then we were too scared to call his bluff. Once we ran we made sure he knew about the box Noah had and the contents of that box is our insurance.”

“Can I ask what the box contains?” She was back to her notepad writing quickly and I was going crazy wondering what she was writing. She did stop however when I told her what was in the box.

“What kind of proof?” She asked in response to my answer.

“Noah had recorded him without him knowing. The recording is from four days before we left. He had beaten Noah bloody and then attacked me on the kitchen table. Noah recorded the whole thing and then made copies when our dad was at work. The day we left he was at work and Noah left a copy of it on the table along with pictures of Noah beaten and bloody. Our dads voice was on the tape, the filthy things he said to me while he was violating me. His voice as he beat Noah, telling him how useless he was and that he was gonna kill him one day.

“He told him in the note that if he came looking for us then the tape was going to land on the desk of every newspaper, internet site and news channel for all of Washington state.”

“And the threats now?”

“Noah just reminded him about the tape. He told him that should anything happen to either of us or we go missing, that his friend would finish the job and send the tape out. Then he broke his nose.”

She was shaking her head in disbelief. “Good for Noah.” She finally said once her shock wore off.

I nod because duh!

“It scares me to know he could be looking in my window or watching me when I don’t know it. What if he finds out that Noah is on one of his many weekend to week long tours?”

She listens intently and I am watching the clock like a crazy lady. I only have two minutes left. “Arrange to go with him, or if you can afford it have security stay with you. Perhaps your Aunt and Uncle?”

I am shaking my head no vehemently. “No we don’t want them involved. We know Uncle Seth knows, but we don’t talk about it. I don’t want them near this danger, they’re all we have.”

She nods in understanding. “Find a way to feel safe. That is key. If you don’t feel safe when knowing there is a possibility of danger then panic will set in. Find a way to feel safe so that you are cautious in the appropriate ways.”

I nod but don’t ask any more questions. I leave after thanking her for her advice and help but I don’t make another appointment like she advised. I will if I freak out again but for now I’m content to let it ride. I promised Chad all in and I was so far in that I couldn’t get free if I tried.

We all just wanna be big rockstars

Live in hilltop houses

Driving fifteen cars

The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap

We all stay skinny cuz we just won’t eat

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

Nickleback

Chapter Sixteen

Holy shit! I can’t wait to get home baby! GOOD NEWS!!!

That was the message I got from Chad two hours ago and I had spent it trying to stay busy. I didn’t know what his news was but to see him so animated by using so many exclamation points had
me
excited.

Chad and Noah got home at the same time and I try to pretend that I wasn’t freaking out waiting for the news. “Carrie?” I hear Noah as he opens the door. I’m antsy and waiting on the couch, an episode of
Big Rich Texas
blaring in the background.

The smile on Noah’s face is something I have seen very rarely in our life. Looking to Chad who was splitting his face in half with such a huge smile I couldn’t help but giggle excitedly. Shamus and Cal walk in behind Chad and I am waiting on impatient tip toes while they all get inside. “Oh for the love Chad, what is it?” I’m almost screeching when Noah and Chad both turn to look at Cal and Shame behind them.

“We just got asked to open up for Sinners of the Slipstream!” Noah says as if I know what that means. My look of confusion made Chad laugh and he stepped up cupping my face in his hands.

“Baby Sinners of the Slipstream sing ‘Bad Redemption.” Chad says and I recognize the song and smile.

“Seriously?” I ask but I’m looking at each of the guys, my gaze landing on my big brother. When Noah nodded I couldn’t help but bounce up and down in pure happiness. Chad pulled me to his chest and Noah came into my side while Shame and Cal wrapped their arms around Chad and I. We are all laughing and all I can keep saying is that ‘I can’t believe it’ over and over again.