Tortured Beginning (24 page)

"It would be nice, but you have a business, family and friends. They would miss you."

"I don't know. Sometimes, I think they wouldn't care." I look over to see him giving me a questioning look. "I know they all love me, but they are busy in their own lives."

"You know, you could have a life of your own. Don't push people away."

I shake my head, "It's not that easy."

"Believe me I know. I probably know better than most people. But we can try can't we?"

I sigh, "Yeah, I guess we could."

"You have to try. I know something was going on with you and that Trevan, guy. But you ran from him. You ran from me before, too. I'm willing to try, if you are."

I look out at the water, thinking about what he is saying. Do I finally break down a piece of the wall and let him in. I miss Trevan, but I don't want him to always see me as the girl in the hospital. I had a hard time letting him in.

I look over to Nico, and really look at him. I can see the same pain in his eyes, that I see in the mirror everyday.  I turn to him, putting my hands on his cheeks. I gently kiss him on the lips.

"I'm willing to try."

He smiles back at me and grabs my hands, holding on to them. He rubs his thumbs gently across the tops of them. The motion is very soothing.  We keep staring into each others eyes, not sure what to do.

I look down at our hands, and I feel a tear fall down my cheek. I never thought I could have this with someone.

He pulls my chin up with his finger and thumb. He wipes the tears from my face and pulls me to him. I wrap my arms around him and hold on tightly. I feel like I haven't hugged someone like this, ever. Maybe I haven't. I'm not doing it out of fear, I just want to feel him against me.

I sit on my patio, enjoying my coffee and a cigarette. Nico and I had such a wonderful time up north, in Tawas. I didn't want to come home. Things changed between us, it's a weird feeling. We have seen a lot of each other over the past few weeks.

I haven't heard from Trevan at all, I guess I can't blame him. For him to see me with Nico, couldn't have been an easy thing. But then me seeing his ex, that wasn't easy either.

I feel close to Nico, closer than I have ever been with anyone. We are both broken and we can handle that. Trevan wanted to fix me. I don't want to be looked at with pity, I can do that for myself.

I hear the sliding door open and look up to see Lynette walking out.

"Don't look so shocked. Nico let me in."

She sits in the chair next to me and stares at me.

"What?"

"Where do I start?"

I shake my head, "Do you want a coffee, first? I need a refill on mine."

"Sure."

I walk in the house to find Nico in the kitchen. I go to the cupboard and pull another mug down. I fill both mugs up and pour in the creamer. I don't look over at him, a little pissed that he let Lynette in and didn't warn me first.

"Hey. Look I opened the door and she pushed her way in."

I look over and he has his hand up defensively. If he wasn't standing there shirtless looking all sexy, I might be really mad. But visions of what we did last night, flashes through my head. I walk over and kiss him hard on the lips.

"You are lucky you are so damn sexy. Or I might be really fucking mad at you." I smile at him.

I turn around, grab the two cups of coffee and head back outside. I step out and Nico closes the door behind me.

"Here you go." I hand her the mug and I sit back down. I light a cigarette and take a hit. "So, what do I owe for this visit."

"I miss you. I hardly see you anymore. When you were with Trevan, you still hung out with us."

So there it is, I think they all think I should be with Trevan. I thought that was what I wanted, I still have feelings for him. I take a sip of coffee, take a long drag of my smoke, trying to calm myself.

"Well, can't you be happy for me. I like being with Nico."

"I am happy for you, but don't forget about everybody else."

"It's only been a few weeks. Give me a break," I try not to yell at her. I can feel my temper rising.

"Look, I didn't come to fight. But come see me sometime, or fucking call me. Don't forget you have friends."

I can tell she is upset and I don't know what to say to her. "Okay."

"I want you to be happy, we all do."

I nod, not sure what else to say to all of this. Is it so awful that I want to have some time to myself. But how do you tell your friends that without hurting their feelings. They had their time, when they got married and had their kids. I wasn't the nagging friend, why can't I have the same.

We sit for awhile, talking small talk. She tells me about her kids and we talk about the shop. She doesn't ask me about Nico, or Trevan. I don't want to have that conversation with her anyway.

I walk her out, reassuring her that we would go out soon. I look around the living room and don't see Nico anywhere. He must be upstairs, I run up the stairs to find him. He is laying in bed and flipping through the channels.

I crawl into bed, he lifts his arm pulling me to him. I think how strange this all is.

Jaylah crawls into to bed next to me. I stroke her back, and fell her body relax. I look down after a few minutes and see that she has fallen asleep. I hug her to me and can't believe we have made it to this point in our relationship.

If you would of said something to me a year ago, I wouldn't have believed it. I never thought Jaylah would be able to take this step, let alone me. I've wanted to, I have been drawn to her since the first moment I saw her.

These past few weeks have been great. But when I opened the door to see Lynette, the look on her face said volumes. We had always been friends, but it didn't look like she liked me all that much. I heard a little of what was said outside, and I decided to leave it to them.

I can't help what Jaylah does, she is a grown woman and makes her own decisions. I don't want her to forget about her friends and family. Maybe I have been taking to much of her time. Hell, I don't know what we are doing. But I do know that, I don't want to lose her.

We have a gig tonight, and I'm glad that Jaylah is coming with her friends. She invited them to come out and watch me play. I hope she has a good time, she needs to do this with them. I sit in the back and bullshit with my bandmates.

I have always loved playing with these guys. We started out playing in the garage, and we finally started getting some gigs. We can usually get one a weekend, in the summer more. But with Thanksgiving coming up, we will slow down.

I don't mind, not now. I never thought I would feel that way about playing. I will always play, but I don't know if I want to keep doing this every weekend. I shake myself from my thoughts, it's time for us to go on stage.

I watch as Nico comes out, onto the stage. I zone out from everyone around me, and I only have eyes for him. Our eyes lock and a smile comes across his face. I have always loved to watch him up there, from the first time I saw him.

Lynette is sitting to the right of me and Anne is on my left. I know they probably wanted to go somewhere else, but they didn't fight me on coming here. I guess it was better than me not going at all.

Nico keeps bringing his gaze back to me and I love that connection with him. Lynette elbows me in the side and I look over at her.

She screams for me to hear, "Let's do some shots."

I nod my head in agreement, needing some liquor tonight. I haven't been drinking much lately, which is fine. But I feel like letting lose tonight. I look over to Anne and she nods her approval.

Lynette gets up to go to the bar and grab a couple of rounds of shots. I take a long drink of my beer, waiting for her to get back. I'm still watching Nico during all of this.

We do the first round with gusto, and then the next. I feel the warmth of it go down to my belly. I get a little fuzzy from the effects, and love the feeling of it. I finish up the beer and there is already one waiting for me. I never seem to be without a drink.

I haven't drank this much, in I can't remember when. I don't usually let myself get this drunk. I know we have been drinking for a bit. Nico came and joined us with some of his band mates for a bit. Then they went back up to do another set.

I get up to go to the bathroom, there is a line to get in. I wait there, hoping it moves fast. It's finally my turn, I get in and out, not wanting to be stuck in that small space. When I step out, I walk over to the bar to order another beer.

I turn to head back to our table, when I look up into Trevan's eyes. He is standing right in front of me and I take a step back. He looks sexy as hell, like he always did. I smile at him and he stands there staring at me.

"Hey you." I say, taking a step towards him again.

"Hi, Jay." He looks like he wants to say more, but stops himself.

I know, I'm drunk and that is not always a good thing. I put my hand on his arm, and rub it up to his shoulder. He grabs it and pulls it away. He looks beyond me, and then I feel an arm wrap around me. I look up to see Nico.

"Hi. I'm Nico," he says and stretches his hand out to Trevan.

Trevan looks down at his hand, takes a moment then shakes it.