Tortured Beginning (25 page)

"Yeah, I'm Trevan. Well it was nice to meet you, and it was nice to see you, Jay."

I watch as he turns away from me and walks over to a table. I see Jason sitting there, and he looks around Trevan at me. He smiles at me and hits Trevan on his back. Nico pulls me back to our table and I feel, sobered and I don't like it.

We sit at the table and I grab one of the shots sitting in the middle of the table. I want to forget the feeling I had when I touched Trevan. Why did I have to run into him? I look over at Nico and he is watching me. I smile at him and move closer to him. He smiles back, but I see something in his eyes.

I wake up to a bounding head. I lift my head from the pillow and feel sick to my stomach. I run to the bathroom and empty it. When I am finally done, I get into the shower and hope it makes me feel better. I stay in there longer than normal, the water feeling good.

Once I get out, my stomach churns again. I hurry to the toilet, to throw up again. I wash my face and walk back into my room. I realize that I'm alone, I walk to the window and look down to my driveway. I only see my car sitting in there.

I try to remember what happened last night. It takes me a minute to remember that Trevan was there last night. Nico must have been more upset than I realized at first. I'm left with an empty feeling.

I walk downstairs and straight to the kitchen. I mindlessly make coffee, I walk to the window and open it. I light a cigarette, and inhale deeply. It helps a little, but my stomach churns again and I put it out.

I sit at the kitchen table, looking out the window, waiting for my coffee. I think about last night and seeing Trevan. I know I was drunk, but I will never forget the look in his eyes. Such hurt and anger. Those eyes that use to look at me with such adoration, it hurt to see them look at me like that. Then Nico, I know he was angry at me. He saw the way I touched Trevan and looked at him. What have I done? I put my head in my hands, and start to cry.

I haven't heard from Nico in a couple of days. I messed up at the bar, I know that. I'm damaged, I don't know how to be what he wants me to be. I'm not sure he knows what he wants, anyway. We are both damaged from our past, and how do we move forward.

I decide to text him, before I go to work. He's probably sleeping, but he will see it when he wakes up.

Jaylah    5:15am

Hey, babe. Let's get together

I finish getting ready, I run downstairs. As I throw my jacket on, I grab my purse and step outside. I lock the door behind me, and get in the car. As I'm about to pull out of the driveway, I hear my phone ding. I grab it and look to see my message.

Nico    5:25am

Can't

That's it. "What the fuck," I say as I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand. I throw my phone in the passenger seat, pissed. This is what I get, why do I open myself up. I turn the radio up, to drown out my own thoughts.

I pull into the parking lot and park in my usual spot. I'm the first one here, and I'm thankful for it. I unlock the door and walk straight for the office. I dig my ipod out of my purse and bring it into the back with me.

We have a speaker to put our ipods in. I put one of my favorite playlists on, and  turn it up. I hear Anne behind me, as I'm pulling product out of the cooler.

"Good Morning."

"Morning," I reply.

I walk out in time to listen to 2Cellos, Thunderstruck. It carries me away with the song, and I get lost in my work. Anne starts in, only glancing at me a few times. She knows I'm upset, but leaves me be, for now.

The day goes by faster than I thought it would. We were pretty busy, especially now that it's fall. People like to come in for coffee to warm up. I don't remember most of the day, being in a haze.

So when I see Kayla walking in, I check the clock and am surprised it's time to leave, soon. I go in the back to clean up, and escape the eyes of Anne. I can tell she is dying to talk to me.

I say my good-bye's to everyone, and hurry to leave. I get in my car, I decide not to go straight home. I drive to Kroger's to get some groceries, and maybe some wine. I pull into a parking spot and mindlessly grab a small cart and walk into the store.

Walking into the store, straight into the produce department. I grab myself a variety of fresh fruit, and stuff for my salads. I stop at the deli counter and look over the case. The woman behind the counter comes up to help me. I decide on some dill potato salad, spinach dip and lunch meats.

I stand there watching her get my order together, not looking around. I feel an arm on the small of my back, I turn quickly and look up to see Trevan. I roll my eyes and turn my attention to the woman doing my order.

"Well hello, to you too."

"Hi," I reply, looking at him with a side glance.

"How are you doing?"

"Fine."

I don't want to be standing here talking to Trevan, right now. Why did I have to come in here, I should of went home.

I saw Jaylah, as soon as I walked into the store. I was going to go the other way, and avoid her all together. But I stood and watched her for a bit, and something is wrong. I shake my head at myself, you need to leave her alone.

I put my hand on her back, I couldn't help myself. I want to touch her. She rolls her eyes at me, when she sees that it's me. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. I wish I never let Tami into my house, things would be different now.

I try to get her to talk to me, and she is trying to avoid me. She spits "fine" at me like venom. It hurts to see her like this towards me.

"Well, I'm not expert, but you are not fine."

"What would you know," she replies, not looking at me. She grabs part of her order and smiles at the woman.

"I know a little about you, and I can tell you are not okay. Hey, look at me."

She doesn't turn, but stares straight ahead. I grab her gently and pull her to face me. She looks into my eyes and I see tears. I put my hands on her face, and gently rub the tears away with my thumbs. She grabs my hands and pulls them away.

"Please don't," she whispers, and turns away.

"Sorry. I hate to see you like this. If you need to talk, I'm here for you."

She nods. I touch her hand gently and squeeze. She squeezes it back, but then let's go. I look at her one more time and walk away. It's hard to walk away from her, I want to wrap her in my arms.

Between today and at the bar, I can tell she isn't going to be easy to shake. I was doing better, until that night. All my feelings for her came flooding back to me.

I watch Trevan walk away from me. Why does he have to be such a great guy. I've messed up his life, too. What is wrong with me? I can't seem to do anything right, when it comes to relationships.

I grab the rest of my groceries and hurry to get out of the store. I want to go home, and be alone. I get to my car and load my groceries in the trunk. I hurry to get in the car, so I don't run into anyone else that I know.

I drive the short distance home, pull into the driveway and turn the car off. I open the house dropping my purse on the floor. I get all my bags out of the trunk and get them into the kitchen.

I put all my stuff away, when I hear the doorbell. I sigh, hoping it's not Trevan. I don't think I can handle seeing him again today. I walk to the door and open it.

"Let us in. Don't roll your eyes, at me woman," Anne says to me, with Lynette shaking her head in agreement next to her.

"Fine."

Well so much for my quiet night at home, wallowing. They follow me into the kitchen and I grab a bottle of wine. I grab three wine glasses. I fill them up, with my favorite wine, St. Julian's Niagara.

I take a big sip of it and savor the flavor. I swear that when you drink it, it takes like a fresh picked grape, right from the vine. We all sit at the kitchen table, I open the window next to me. I light a cigarette and take a long drag from it, blowing it out the window.

"So are you going to tell me why you guys are here?"

"What? We wanted to visit," Anne replies.

"Bullshit!" I say rather loudly, pointing at each of them.

"Look, don't be a bitch. We are worried about you. What the fuck is going on with you?" Lynette says.

"I'll be fine. Damn men, that's all."

"I hear you there," Anne says, as she picks up her glass.

Lynette looks between Anne and me, shaking her head. "I hope you have more wine, Jay. I have a feeling we will be here for awhile. You two better start talking."