Torn (52 page)

“Home to me,” I nodded. We were
each other’s security blankets. Was that all it was, or did we have more and
I’d been too blind to see it? “Why now? Why let me find out now that you’re
experienced, and don’t tell me that wasn’t timed for me to see.”

“Why do you think?” he laughed,
throwing his arms out in question. “I laid it on the line again last night, and
you still couldn’t give me the answer I wanted. And I still can’t seem to get
past my feelings of guilt for wanting the one girl in the damn world I
shouldn’t either. So I decided to fuck away my anger with another girl that’s
made it clear she wanted me, and I saw the chance to make you jealous at the
same time.”

“Why? Why, Josh?” I cried,
letting him see the pain in my eyes.

“I wanted to hurt you back, the
way you’re hurting me every damn day by not realizing what we have, or what we
could have if you’d just open your damn eyes and see me. So I chose a shitty
way of trying to force your hand, by letting you see me with another girl. I’m
not fucking perfect, Sky!”

“I never said you were!” I shot
back angrily.

“You act like it. It’s damn hard
being up on that pedestal you have me on sometimes. I’m a flesh and blood guy,
with needs. I think all you see is the bookish, shy nerd you first met. I’ve
changed. Sometimes I get drunk when I know I shouldn’t after my ma’s history
with addiction. Sometimes I have casual sex to try and make me forget how in
love I am with you. And sometimes I’m just a selfish sonofabitch who puts his
own needs first.”

“Can you go and put some clothes
on, please?” I begged, trying to look anywhere but his chest and abs, which
were making me remember that I was a flesh and blood woman with needs as well.

“It’s still me, Sky. Maybe I just
decided that it’s time you saw the real me. You need to decide if I’m really a
guy that you’re prepared to move on with, because God knows if you say you are,
I’m gonna be too damn selfish to let you go. You decide to do this, that you
want
this
,” he urged, scanning his body with his hand, “then you’d better
be damn sure, because you’ll break my fucking heart for good if you walk away
once that decision’s been made. And there would be no coming back from that,
we’d be over.”

“You heard me this morning,
didn’t you? Telling you what had happened,” I whispered, staring at the bottom
of the bed.

“Yeah, I heard you,” he
confirmed. “I opened my door to let you see us when I heard you get up. I
figured it was time to force your hand. So what does it mean for us?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed as I slowly
lifted my gaze to his, not just seeing my best friend standing in front of me,
but a man in his sexual prime. “I once told you that when I didn’t wake up
thinking about him, I’d be ready. Today was day one. I think I need a few more
days to be sure.”

“You’re fucking killing me, Sky!”
He groaned in frustration and put his hands on his hips, and I dragged my eyes
off his body again. “I already passed my limit about a year ago. I can’t keep
waiting for you.”

“I just need a little bit more
time, Josh, please!” I pleaded. “You’re right. If we’re going to do this, we’ve
both got to be sure or we could end up losing each other, and I’m not ready for
that. I’ll
never
be ready for that.” I screwed up my face as a painful
tingle spiked the end of my nose while tears tried to form behind my eyes.

“You’re going to lose me if you
don’t make a decision, Sky. I’ve already looked into sharing a place in Vegas
with one of the other cadets, I can move in a week Sunday,” he stated flatly.

“You’re giving me a deadline?” I
gasped, snapping my eyes back up to his. It felt like someone had wrapped my
heart in barbed wire and was tightening it.

“I am,” he confirmed as he held
my gaze, a steely determination in his eyes that I’d never noticed before. “Choose
me. Choose fucking living instead of pining away like my ma did, or I leave and
you don’t see me again until I get over you. And Christ knows when that will be,
Sky, because regardless of me having sex with other girls, in my heart there’s
only ever been you, from the first damn moment I saw you. The ball’s in your
court, there’s nothing else I can say or do. So end of discussion. I’ll put the
coffee on, we’re going to need it to tackle the mess out there.”

He headed out and I wondered how
he’d changed without me even noticing. Was I so wrapped up in myself that I
didn’t even know my own best friend anymore? I looked over at the dressing
table, at my portable writing case at the side of it. It was the end of the
month, time for my letter to Nate. I chewed on my lower lip, feeling so
confused. If I did decide to move on with Josh, what was I supposed to do? I
couldn’t bear the thought of sending Nate a “Dear John” letter, but neither
could I keep sending love letters if I had moved on. To suddenly stop writing to
him with no explanation would be just as cruel. What if he relied on them, if
he did still love me, and they gave him hope? And how would he react to find out
it was his brother that I’d moved on with? I covered my eyes with a groan and
shook my head. Today I hadn’t made the decision to move on, I’d only
acknowledged that I might be starting down that path. Today I could still write
to the man I’d always love, like I had every month since he was taken from me.
What to do next month was yet another dilemma, which I’d face then.

“Sky, Sky, it’s here!” yelled
Josh, startling me from my thoughts.

“What?” I called, shooting up off
the bed.

“It came, it finally came.” He
shot in, still in that damn skimpy towel, clutching an envelope for me and
thrusting it into my hands. “Open it, quick, the suspense is killing me.”

“Oh God, I don’t know if I can,”
I whined. Everything I’d worked so hard for hinged on this one flimsy letter.

“Do you want me to open it for
you?”

“Yes … no … maybe … I don’t know!”
I bit the end of my thumbnail as I stared at it, then gasped as he yanked it
out of my hand and tore it open. “Oh my God, oh my God, I’m going to be sick!”
I groaned, covering my eyes and shaking my legs as I waited.

“Dear Miss Torres,” Josh read. “We
regret to inform you–”

“No!” I cried, my dreams
shattering at those last five words.

“You really wanted this job, huh?”

“Well, duh!” I uttered, giving
him an incredulous look as my heart sank, disappointment crashing into my body.
“Do we even know each other anymore? I’m starting to wonder.”

“Good thing I was just teasing
you then,” he grinned, with an evil twinkle in his eye.

“What?” I looked at him wide-eyed
as I swallowed hard, hoping he wasn’t actually teasing me now.

“You got the job! Like it was
ever in question,” he laughed.

“I hate you!” I yelled, pummeling
his chest as relief flooded my body. He grabbed my fists and yanked me against
his firm body, then shook his head.

“No, you don’t, Sky Torres.” His
face was a tableau of hope and love.

“No, I don’t. I’d
never
hate you,” I replied softly, giving him a warm smile, which he returned. This
was us, this was our relationship. We were in crisis mode, but we were still
us. Some couples would kill for what we had, even without the sex. “What are
you doing for the next few hours?” I asked, an idea to give us something else
to focus on blossoming in my mind.

“Ermmm, sadly cleaning, with you.”

“To hell with the cleaning this
morning, it can wait. Feel like driving me to that big new fancy car showroom
on the outskirts of Vegas?”

“Hell yeah!” he beamed.

Sky

August - A Week Later

“I’ll just use the bathroom, then
we’re good to go,” Josh called as he jogged back to his bedroom and shut the
door, my eyes following him all the way.

“You’re ready,” Mom said quietly.

“Yes, I’ll just grab my purse.” I
smiled at Mom as I went to go get it, but she grabbed my hand and shook her
head.

“Not to go, to
let
go. To
move on. I can tell, it’s like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and
you’re looking at Josh with new eyes.”

“Is this true, Sky?” Pops
frowned.

“I … I think it is,” I nodded,
vocalizing it for the first time to myself, let alone out loud. I’d just
written to Nate this time last week, still undecided how I felt about moving
on. “I’ll never stop loving Nate, he’ll always be my first love, but I can’t
spend the next six and a half years hoping we’re strong enough to make it, when
he’s obviously already given up on me. Then Josh and me …” I looked back over
at the bedroom door. “It’s like we’re seeing each other for the first time.”

“No, you’re seeing him for the
first time. He’s always seen you, Sky,” Mom said gently as she captured my
hands. “I know you love Nate, sweetheart, that he’ll always hold a huge place
in your heart, as he does in ours. What he did for you …” She shook her head
with tears in her eyes. “But
he
made that choice. He chose to sacrifice
himself to save you the day he killed Billy, and you’re not living. You may as
well have been incarcerated yourself, and I know Nate loved you too much to
want that to happen. He’d have hated to see you suffer these last few years, just
like I have.”

“I know, Mom. I wrote to him
again last week and told him that I was losing faith in us. I told him that I
needed some sign from him by the end of the week for me to keep fighting, but
he’s not replied. Again. Maybe he didn’t love me that much, Mom. Maybe some of
what he said to me in jail that day was true and I didn’t want to accept it,
but I can’t do it anymore. I have a new job and a new life to start, and I
think it’s time I accept that he’s no longer a part of it.”

“I don’t think you should make
any rash decisions, Sky,” Pops warned.

“It’s hardly rash after three and
a bit years, Pops,” I replied, flashing him a back-off glare. “And weren’t you
the one who spent the first few months telling me to let him go and move on
every time I mentioned him?”

“Yes, but–”

“Sssshhhh, Diego!” hushed Mom as
Josh reappeared.

“Ok, let’s do this,” he called,
rubbing his hands together. “You’re sure you don’t mind driving us to the
showroom, Yvette?”

“Of course I don’t mind, but why
my daughter has bought herself a new little car and refuses to drive it home
herself is beyond me.”

“I need to practice in her first,”
I objected. “Besides, Josh doesn’t mind driving her back with me, do you?”

“Have to say, I was hoping for a
slightly more manly car than the tiny one you picked, but hey, at least you didn’t
get it in a shade of girly pink,” he teased. I rolled my eyes and shook my
head. I’d never been a fan of pink, only wearing it because Nate had loved it
so much. I hadn’t worn it since, and there was no way in hell I wanted to drive
a pink car. I’d chosen blue, Sky Blue. It seemed fitting.

“See you later, I’ve got some
errands to run,” Pops advised as he gave me a hug, holding me a little tighter
than normal. He gave me a kiss, then grabbed Josh in a headlock and ruffled his
hair as they both laughed.

“Some day I’m gonna do that to
you, old man.”

“Like to see you try, son. Like
to see you try,” Pops chuckled, throwing a soft punch at Josh, who did the same
back. “Look after my little girl for me.”

“Always do, Diego, always do.”

Nate

The Same Day