Torn (49 page)

Ace, my number one and only,

That made me smile, she always
began her letters with that.

I’ve missed you again this
month. I keep thinking it will get easier, but it doesn’t. It only gets harder.
Your brother was turning into a slob without you around to keep him in check,
so I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve moved in with him, into your old room. I’m paying
your share of the rent and bills back into your account. So at least now he’s
fed and watered and I don’t have to deal with wet towels and discarded
underwear whenever I go visit him. Being so close, I’ve been able to take on
more shifts at Joelle’s, and I’ve been working there permanently over the
summer. Mom and Pops are giving me an allowance as well, which is super sweet
of them. I’m taking more frequent driving lessons, since I flunked my driving
test. I don’t think I ever told you that. Kind of ironic when I’m an arcade
racing champion, if you don’t include Josh’s score, huh?

I laughed and shook my head. I
didn’t know that and I’d never have guessed from the way she whooped my ass on
the machines.

Anyway, I checked on the
Impala earlier, she’s doing fine. Missing you as much as I am, but I’ve told
her you’ll be back for her. No one else knows this, but one night I snuck under
her covers and spent the night with her, sleeping on the back seat where we
often made out, or did more. It made me feel closer to you, I might do it again
soon as it’s getting harder without you as each day passes.

I sighed at the thought of the
two great loves of my life, closing my eyes again as memories of us hot and
heavy on the back seat assaulted my senses. Fuck it, I was getting hard. I was
sick of jerking off frantically in case anyone saw me and got the wrong
impression.

I’ve even retraced our steps,
visiting everywhere we went together, which gave me so many happy memories. But
you’re in trouble for that, too. I seriously need to join a gym now because I
drowned my sorrows in way too many M&M’s, burgers, and peach milkshakes to
get me through Christmas and our birthdays. I sent you some more pictures in my
last letter, I hope you were allowed them? College is going great, I’m acing
all of my exams. Two years down, two to go. And you’re one year closer to
coming home. Each year that passes brings me closer to you, so I’m going to
celebrate each and every one. I could tell you about all the mundane little
things that happen each day, but they’re of no significance to me because they
don’t include you. Stay safe for me, I worry about you so much. You spent your
life looking after everyone else, Nate Hudson. I want you to know that when you
get out, I’m going to spend the rest of my life looking after you. Remember if
you’re missing me and you get to go outside, look up. I’m always above you,
looking down on you wherever you go.

I love you and I miss you. See
you later,

Your Sky xx

I blew out a wobbly-lipped breath.
The way the ink was smeared, it was obvious she’d been crying as she was
writing it, and I was close to tears now. I pinched the end of my nose and ran
my sleeve across my eyes, then looked up at the wall. I had a few pictures of
her up there, ones that she’d sent to me, most taken while we’d been horsing
around on the baseball field. A gorgeous shot of her in pigtails, wearing a
back-to-front baseball cap, tight-fit t-shirt, and those heart attack skinny
jeans. She was bending at the waist, ass pushed out and high, holding a
baseball bat and blowing a bubble from the gum she was chewing. Another was one
I’d taken as a selfie. She was on my back, hanging on to my chest, her legs
wrapped around my waist and both of us laughing like carefree kids. That seemed
a lifetime ago. But my favorite, by a long shot, was one Rosie had taken of us
at Joelle’s one night. We were sitting in the booth in the window, our
foreheads touching as I gripped her chin, my thumb on her lower lip. Her eyes
were fixed on mine and the love she had for me just radiated out from every
pore. And it was reflected back. I knew I had it bad for her, but seeing that
photo made me realize just how deep she was embedded.

“Hudson, Hudson, Hudson. Time of
the month? Feeling weepy?” The mocking voice had me snap my head to the cell
entrance. Fuck, it was Boner and his crew. I shoved Sky’s letter back in its
envelope as I squared my shoulders and scowled at him.

“Fuck off, Boner.”

“Sorry, what was that? Fuck me,
Boner? You begging for it now, pretty boy?”

“I’ll never beg, and you’ll die
trying,” I retorted, getting to my feet and elongating my six-feet-one frame. I
was in better shape than I’d ever been. I worked out every day. Push-ups, sit-ups,
planks. I used any of the furniture in the cell to help me, chin-ups off the
top bunk, backward squats off the desk. I’d even toned my core so well that I’d
let Razor punch my abs multiple times to test my endurance, and I remained
straight and firm.

“You will beg, and you’ll die
crying if you don’t give me what I want.” He moved forward, cracking his
knuckles as he stepped past the sliding bars into the cell. Spitfire and Snake
were at his back, Hammer keeping watch over the balcony railings. “And your
guard dog is nowhere in sight. No bark. No bite.” He grinned at me, the sight
of excitement on his face making me want to hurl.

“Take one more step inside this
cell and I’ll show you bite, only this time it won’t be your testicle you lose,
it will be your cock, and I’ll watch you cry as I fuck your mouth with it.
Let’s see how much you love cocksucking then,” I warned. Adrenaline was
coursing through my veins, my heart banging a hard beat against my ribs. I
could take some punches, I could throw some, but I was nowhere near a skilled
and dirty fighter yet. Plus it was four against one.

“Hmmm, I
love
me some
dirty talk! Don’t I, Spitfire?”

“He sure does. The boss loves it
filthy, dirtier the better,” Spitfire replied with a nod as he cocked his head
to check out my ass. I clenched my fists, wishing I’d taken Razor up on his
offer of something to protect myself with. Most of the inmates had weapons of
some kind, fashioned out of toothbrush heads, or blades if someone was lucky
enough to be able to smuggle them in. I’d declined. If I got caught with
anything, it would be more years on my sentence. They might not have anything
to lose, but I did. I stepped back as he stepped forward again. I wasn’t stupid
enough to go on the attack first. He might just be bluffing.

“Cute-looking girl, wonder if she
likes it up the ass as much as you will?” he grinned as he flicked his eyes up
to Sky’s pictures.

“Back off,” I growled. “You think
I’m interested in you and your spit, slick, and stick crew, when I have a girl
like that waiting for me on the outside? She’s worth ten years of blue balls.”

“I think he needs incentive,
Spitfire. How long will he last without his monthly letters to keep him going?
You bend over and offer yourself to me right now and I’ll let you keep them. If
you don’t, you won’t get another one and next time I see you, I’ll take you by
force.”

“You don’t have the power to stop
my letters,” I hissed. He burst out laughing and Spitfire shook his head like I
was stupid.

“You may have been here over a
year, but you’re still a fish, Hudson. A small fish in a tank full of piranhas.
I got a guard here who’ll do anything for me, I only have to click my fingers.
So what’s it going to be, pretty boy? Your ass on a plate willingly, or we do
this the hard way?”

“You’ll have to kill me before I
offer you anything, you sick fuck!” I spat, my muscles bunching and tightening
as I prepared myself. Where the fuck was Razor?

“And here I was playing nice.
Spitfire, take his letters and pictures for pissing me off. And next time I
visit, Hudson, I won’t be asking, I’ll be greasing you up and taking,” he spat.

“Don’t you fucking touch my stuff!”
I warned, my blood ratcheting up beyond boiling point to white-hot fury. Those
letters and pictures were everything to me.

Boner just laughed and stepped back,
letting Spitfire move in. I roared with anger as he touched Sky’s latest
envelope and charged at him, dipping my head to shoulder him straight in the
stomach in a football tackle, taking him by surprise. I kept running forward,
shoving them both out of the cell onto the balcony and back into the railings.
I gritted my teeth as I was immediately pummeled with fists from both sides. I
threw out an elbow at a time, catching something on both assaults, then threw
an uppercut into Spitfire’s crotch, making him groan and bend over to grasp his
balls, releasing me. I stepped back and wrapped one hand around the bars of the
door to my left, then the retracted ones of the door to my right, positioning
myself in the entrance to my cell. At least I had no one to attack me from
behind now. Where the fuck was Razor when I needed him?

Snake rushed at me and I saw a piece
of sharpened plastic in his fist. I pulled my knees up and powered my legs out
horizontally, my feet getting him straight in the chest and throat, and he went
down clutching his windpipe and choking. Fucking prison slip-ons. If I’d been
wearing my boots right now, he’d have broken something. Hammer and Spitfire
came at me while Boner leaned back on the railings with a smirk on his face,
letting his dogs do his dirty work. I let go of the bars, the same trick wasn’t
going to work twice. I threw a punch at Hammer first, he was the bigger guy who
needed putting down first. I managed to get him square in the nose, it
shattered and blood sprayed out, but he didn’t go down. Spitfire was throwing
punches into my left-hand side, which I took as I carried on punching Hammer’s
face, my knuckles feeling more pain than my ribs right now. Crowds were forming
on the balcony, the soft chant of “Fight, fight, fight” starting to echo.
Hammer finally dropped to his knees and I lifted mine up to his chin, snapping
his head back and knocking him out cold.

“Fuck!” I cried. The punches on
my side had changed from hard and dull to sharp and painful. I spun around and swung
at Spitfire, grabbed his hair, and flung his head against the bars again and
again until he collapsed. I put my hand to my side and groaned. It was hot and
wet, and when I pulled it away, my palm was covered in blood. Thick, red fluid
that matched the blood that had leeched from Billy’s body. Boner chuckled and
moved toward me, shoving a still-choking Snake out of the way as pandemonium
broke loose in the wing, and the chants and roars were joined by the sounds of
the control room over the PA system ordering everyone back to their cells. I
lifted my fists up ready to fight, swaying, feeling nauseous and lightheaded,
but I gritted my teeth. I was not going down without a fight.

“I gave you a chance, Hudson,”
Boner grinned. I threw a punch with my right arm, but it lacked the power it
needed, and he caught my fist in his left hand, twisted himself around, and
brought his right elbow down on my forearm. I screamed as I heard the crack of
my arm splintering and felt the blistering pain. He laughed as I fell to my
knees, clutching my arm as spots began to form in my eyes, my orange jumpsuit
barely able to soak up the blood that my body was feeding it. Boner grabbed my
broken arm, nearly making me pass out from the pain, and dragged me to the
balcony railings. Next thing I knew, a hand was around my throat and I was
being yanked up and spun around to face the drop down into the hall below. “How’s
this for a love letter to your girl? You in a body bag. And don’t think death
will save you. While you’re on ice down in the prison morgue, I get to come and
fuck your fine ass anyway,” he chuckled.

“No,” I moaned. Everything was
going black and I was about to puke. I could barely keep my eyes open, let
alone try and fight back. Suddenly I was weightless, my body tipping upside
down. I reached out blindly with my left hand, scrabbling for something to grip
on to, and got lucky as I grabbed Boner’s wrist. My body jerked as it dangled
over the edge of the balcony, the sound of my shoulder dislocating taking me
one step closer to passing out. I’d never been in so much pain before, it was
excruciating. I managed to pull my head up to look into Boner’s gleeful eyes as
I hung from his arm. Fuck, there was no way out of this, my grip was slipping.
I blinked, more spots filling my vision as everything became muffled and
distant and I felt my fingers sliding. I could hear the guards trying to fight
their way through, sirens blaring. When my vision came back into focus on Boner,
he was spluttering, his eyes going wide as he gasped for breath. Seconds later
his throat opened, warm blood spraying out from it all over my face as he
slumped forward over the railings, making me drop even further.

“Hang on, Hudson,” yelled Razor
as he virtually climbed Boner’s back trying to reach for my hand.

“Tell Sky … tell Sky … I’m sorry,”
I choked. Razor was yelling my name as I felt my fingers finally lose their
grip and I started falling, his face moving further and further away. “I love
her,” I whispered, right before my back snapped as I connected with something
solid and the darkness claimed me.

Sky

July - A Year Later

“Are you sure you want to come?” Josh
frowned as I got out of his car.

“How can you ask me that, of
course I’m sure.”

I reached for his hand, which he
took, and we made our way through the cemetery. Rows upon rows of graves, with different-sized
and colored headstones, with a few words to sum up a loved one’s life. It was
impossible. How were you supposed to say what someone meant to you in two or
three words? I felt Josh slow his pace down and did the same. I knew he needed
to come here, but dreaded it too. Graves were a painful reminder of the past.
Huge spaces of grass and dirt that contained a box and a few bones, that no one
but immediate loved ones even cared about. Most of the graves didn’t even have
dead flowers gracing them. These people had all been forgotten. I clutched my
flowers tightly and took a deep breath as I saw the chiseled name “Hudson”
appear on the headstone between two others ahead of us.

“Do you want some time alone
first?” I asked quietly, dreading us reaching it, wanting anything to delay me
having to face it again.

“No, I can be alone with you.”
Josh smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “How about you, you might not feel like
you can talk freely with me there?”

“I can be alone with you too,” I
stated, giving him a smile in return. I’d thought we were close before
everything had gone down, but now our bond was unshakeable. We were pretty much
inseparable, other than the nights he decided to study alone in the library
while I did at home. He said I was too much of a distraction. Because of the
time we spent together though, naturally everyone assumed we were a couple.
Even Mom had asked. 

“Here we are,” he sighed. We
stopped in front of the grave and I had to look up at the sky, like it reminded
me I was bigger than this one thing. He tugged my hand and we both sank down,
kneeling in front of it, and I leaned over and placed the white roses on the
grassy mound.

“Hey, it’s me again,” he spoke,
and I could hear the pain in his voice. “I know it’s been a while, but it’s hard,
you know. I mean, we were so close and even though we had our moments, I kind
of miss you, you jerk. I’ve never been a man of many words, but the ones I say
I always mean. I just want to say how sorry I am, that I wish we could turn
back the clock and do things differently. You don’t need to worry about me.
I’ve got Sky, and her family have pretty much become my adoptive parents. We’re
slaying our coursework, with only one year to go. Anyway, that’s about it. I
hope you’re happy, wherever you are.”

He looked at me and let out a
sigh, then looked back at the grave and shook his head. I cleared my throat and
Josh moved his fingers, threading them through mine, like he knew that I needed
the extra support to even be here, let alone vocalize it.

“Hey, it’s Sky. I just need … I
need you to know that I forgive you, Billy. You weren’t well and you weren’t
able to control the way you were feeling. I’m sorry if I ever gave you the
impression that we could be something more than friends, but you
were
a
friend and I’d love to turn back the clock too. Go back to that day we all met
and sat in the diner, and I’d handle things so differently. You need to know
that choosing Nate wasn’t an easy decision. I was so torn between my feelings
for him and my loyalty to you and Josh. I’ll always remember our times together
fondly, and the arcade racing game will never be the same without you. I hope,
wherever you are, that you’re tearing it up on their racetrack and holding that
high score. I also want to apologize …”

I waited a beat, not sure how
Josh would react, then leaned over and put my head on his shoulder.

“I won’t be coming back, Billy,”
I finally said quietly, feeling Josh’s body jerk in surprise. “I do forgive
you, but I can’t forget, because your actions took away the man that I loved as
well. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from that. I felt I owed you the truth, as
there are too many souls in this place hanging on, waiting for someone to
return and never knowing if or when they will. Goodbye, Billy.”

“You never told me that you
weren’t coming back,” Josh eventually said as we walked away.

“You must have realized that it isn’t
a place I want to be. It’s my first visit since the funeral over two years ago.
I don’t understand why you visit so regularly, given what he tried to do to me,
but I’ve never questioned it. That’s your choice, this is mine.”

“I wasn’t going to try and change
your mind, Sky,” he added, a touch of hurt in his tone.

“I know, I was just putting it
out there. I don’t want there to be any lies or untruths between us, Josh.”

“Sometimes you have to tell a lie
to spare someone pain or to protect them. The world isn’t always black or white.”
He stopped and turned to face me as we reached his old brown Mustang. “Haven’t
you ever told a lie?”

“Not that I can think of, never
knowingly. But I guess withholding the truth to save someone’s feelings or an
argument, yes,” I shrugged. He let go of my hand and reached up to pinch the
bridge of his nose, and when he opened his eyes again, my chest hurt. It was
like looking into Nate’s, the same emotions and fire shining through. I
swallowed hard as he stepped closer and clasped my face.

“You want honesty. How will
telling you that I’m in love with you, that I’ve been in love with you from
almost the moment we met, help, huh?” His eyes darted over my face, trying to
read my expression, which was a combination of surprise and warmth.

“You’re in love with me?” I asked
quietly. I knew how fond he was of me, that he loved me, but I’d taken that
love as the equivalent of the love of a sibling. I’d never imagined it to be
the “in love” kind.

“Don’t look so surprised, Sky.
You’re my best friend, we’re so at ease with each other, so in tune. We hate
being separated, we miss each other when we are. You’re the first person I
think of when I want to share something, or if I need to unload. That’s
love
.
So, does knowing that make you feel better? I’ve kept it from you because of
your relationship with Nate, because of how you felt about him.”

“Feel about him,” I said quietly,
reaching up to smother his hands on my cheeks. “Josh, I … he’s still in my
heart. Until I can wake up each morning and he’s not the first thought I have,
then I’m not ready to move on. That wouldn’t be fair to you. But if I was going
to move on, you’d be the perfect guy. Everything you said, I feel the same,
except I love you, I’m not
in love
with you.” I held his gaze, watched
the fire in his eyes die as his shoulders slumped.

“See, that’s why you don’t tell
people the truth. Some things are best just left buried,” he sighed dejectedly.
He pulled his hands away and walked around to his side of the car.

“Are we ok?” I asked, propping my
forearms up on the roof.

“We’ll always be ok, Sky. I just
hoped we’d be more than that. I hoped we’d be amazing,” he shrugged, looking
down at the keys he was fiddling with in his fingers.

“Can I share something then?”

“Sure,” he nodded. I took a deep
breath, knowing I needed to keep some kind of control as I got this off my
chest.

“I’m angry with you and I’ve kept
that buried and I don’t want to anymore.”

“Angry with me?” His head snapped
up and he frowned at me, and I could see his brain whirring, trying to pick out
the incident that had led to this unusual state of affairs in our relationship.

“You kept me in the dark about
Nate. The minute you got the call to say he was in the ICU last year, you
should have told me. He could have died, he nearly did, and I deserved the
chance to go to the hospital to say goodbye to him.” I heard the tremble of
emotion in my voice.

“He’s been clear that he doesn’t want
you to have any contact, Sky! I’m not even allowed to talk about you. What the
hell am I supposed to do? I ignore his wishes and he gets pissed with me, I
honor them and now you’re pissed at me. I can’t win either way!”

“Have I
ever
gotten angry
at you for the lack of sharing before? He’s been gone for over two years and
I’ve handled that pretty much on my own, which hasn’t exactly been a walk in
the park. I have to overhear that Nate nearly died from those four …
harpies
in Joelle’s? How do you think that felt?” I shouted, feeling my heart pounding
as I beat a fist on my breast to emphasize how painful it had been. I rarely
lost my cool, but I’d bottled up this anger for so long, it was so cathartic to
finally get it off my chest, like a burden had been lifted and expelled.

Josh stepped back with his hands
in the air, a gesture of surrender. I could still remember the painful moment
I’d overhead their conversation, and how lucky I was that I hadn’t burned
myself when I’d dropped the hot coffee jug I’d been carrying. I’d called the
hospital immediately, my hands shaking so badly that Rosie had had to dial the
number for me, while apologizing profusely for not telling me, thinking she was
protecting me. He’d been admitted with broken ribs and severe blood loss from
multiple stab wounds that had punctured his gallbladder and liver, which had
needed immediate surgery. He’d also had surgery on a broken arm, then on the
other for a dislocated shoulder and a major tear in his rotator cuff muscle. As
if that wasn’t enough, he’d had a head injury that had required stitches and
close monitoring due to some swelling on the brain, and a broken back from a
high fall. He was lucky to be alive, even luckier not to be paralyzed. By the
time I’d found out and went to the hospital to try and see him, he’d already
been transferred back to the prison infirmary to recuperate. I’d been furious.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have
found out like that. I can’t believe you knew and didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t want to cause an
argument between us, Josh,” I replied, a huge ball of hurt pulsating in my
chest. “You made it clear Nate wasn’t a topic we could discuss. So I’ve kept up
to date on his recovery through gossip at the diner, or the Google Alert I set
for his name. Something important like that, you share with me. Keep the rest
of your secrets, but
that
you share with me!” I ordered, clutching my
chest as the memory of that pain blossomed, adding to the pain of two and a bit
years of no contact from Nate. I was running on fumes.

“Ok,” he nodded, “I promise. Why
now though? Why bring it up now? It was a year ago, he’s doing fine.”

“We’re standing in a graveyard,
Josh, somewhere he was so close to being. We just saw Billy, he was here one
minute and gone the next. I guess looking at all of these graves just reminds
me that life is short, and I don’t want anyone I love to be buried without
knowing how I feel about them.” I blinked a few times, close to tears. They
were such a rarity that the weird stinging and burning sensation still took me
by surprise. Josh came around the car and gathered me in his arms. I tucked
mine up on his chest and buried my face into his neck, calming down
immediately. He just had that effect on me.

“I hear you. Anything like that
happens again, I’ll let you know and try and get you on the visitors’ list. But
he’s fine. A bunch of scars he didn’t have before, but he’s ok.”

“How can he be, Josh?” I
whispered. “They say that his baseball career is over. His arm and shoulder
were damaged too badly for him to ever pitch professionally again, or to even
bat. It was his dream. How can he be ok when someone stole his dream?”

He just sighed and swayed me,
rocking me in his arms as I took comfort from him. I needed more. Over two
years without the person I loved communicating with me was taking its toll. I
was trying so hard to be strong, to keep hoping, but I had no idea if I could
make it through the next twelve months, let alone another seven-odd years of
it.

Could I really stay strong, or
was it time to admit defeat, let go of him, and move on?

Nate

Same Day