Torn (48 page)

We got our meal, or slops as they
called it, and picked an empty table that no one came to join us at. The meal
wasn’t bad, but the thought of another ten years of it was seriously
depressing.

When the cell bars were locked
and the lights were turned out, I couldn’t sleep. Denny had told me to trust no
one, including cellmates. While Razor seemed decent, I couldn’t trust him yet.
People were yelling to each other from cell to cell, some were clunking the
bars, and I could hear the sounds of someone nearby having sex, of balls
slapping on ass and grunts and moans. I dragged my pillow over my head and
pressed it into my ears, trying to block it all out. Instead I focused on Sky,
on the moments of peace I’d felt lying in her arms. She was going to get me
through this. I had to forget the “Ten Years” flashing neon sign that was
blinding me everywhere I turned and just focus on getting through each night.

Night by miserable fucking night.

Sky

July - A Year Later

“Josh, you want some coffee?” I called
as I flipped the pancakes I was making.

“Hmmm, please,” he confirmed,
slipping his arms around my waist from behind and kissing my temple. “Good
morning, beautiful.”

“Morning, gorgeous,” I giggled,
then swatted his hands. “Go, pour some apple juice and set the table,
breakfast’s nearly ready.”

“You’re a miracle, Sky Torres,”
he announced as he went to do what he was told. “My miracle.”

“How so?” I asked, tossing a
handful of blueberries into my mouth.

“Because if you hadn’t moved in
with me, I’d still have been forking out for breakfast at Joelle’s. Thank God
you’re able to order in those coffee beans she uses, it’s like having the diner
in the comfort of my own home.”

“If I hadn’t moved in with you,
you’d have been living off fast food and getting fat. Plus that car of yours
needs less miles adding to it, not more by driving up to my parents’ house to
pick me up every day.” I sighed as I slipped the pancakes onto two plates.

“You regretting moving in?” he
frowned, stopping what he was doing as he flashed me a concerned look. “I know
what everyone’s saying, but to hell with them.”

“I don’t care what everyone’s
saying, Josh. We know the truth and that’s all that matters. I just … it’s my
first time away from home, without seeing Mom and Pops every morning. It’s just
going to take some time to get used to, that’s all.”

I gave him a smile, letting him
know I was ok, and he nodded and busied himself again. I reached one bare foot
behind me, toeing the floor as I watched him. He’d changed this last year, so
much. It was like he’d blossomed from a boy into a man. A seriously attractive
man, who had started to work out, take extra care with his appearance, and
learned how to flirt. Well. I saw him with the other girls at college, he could
take his pick, but he never did. He never took it beyond flirting and I just
didn’t understand why. What hot, nearly twenty-something guy wasn’t interested
in sowing his oats? It made no sense at all. I sighed as I studied him. It had
taken him a long time to shake off the black depression he’d been in after Nate
was sentenced and sent away. He missed Nate every day. He didn’t say it, but I
could tell he did. Yet somehow it was like not having Nate around had let him flourish.
Almost like Nate’s larger-than-life persona had cast a shadow over Josh,
holding him back. It was so amazing to see him now, so strong and dependable,
but still with that soft, caring, and sexily studious side.

“What are you thinking?” he
called, as he pulled up a seat and rested his elbows on the dining table. “You’re
doing that thing where you’re staring at me, like you’re undressing me with
your eyes. You know if you wanna peek at the goods, you’ve only gotta ask.” He
gave me a cheeky wink and I laughed. If I’d have been near the sofa right now,
I’d have flung a cushion at his head.

“Just thinking how proud I am of
you. You’ve turned into quite a man, Josh Hudson. A man who’s going to break
many hearts in this city before we graduate. Why are you still single?” I
padded over with our coffees and kissed his forehead as I deposited them.

“Because the girl I love is sadly
in love with my brother. Still.”

“Stop teasing,” I warned as I
went back to get our pancakes, blueberries, and a dollop of cream. “Are you
going to see him today?”

“Yes.”

“Will you tell him I’ve moved in?”

“No, we don’t talk about you. I’m
sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but Nate was always a player.
You’ve got to let this go. Do you have any idea how many guys on campus are
dying to take you out? I’m bombarded with requests to pass on numbers on a
daily basis.”

“And you need to let this charade
go, Josh,” I warned him as I headed back over. “I know he’s told you to play
along to try and push me away, but it’s not going to work.”

“You’re so damn stubborn,” he
scowled.

“And I can move out and let you
fend for yourself again if you keep lying to me and we keep having this
disagreement about me moving on.” I plonked his plate in front of him, then sat
down and hitched up one knee, resting my foot on the chair as I twiddled my
fork. I wasn’t really hungry, I’d only cooked them for him.

“How about we agree that this is
a Nate-free zone then? You don’t ask about my visits again, and you don’t keep
telling me you still love him. I’ve lost enough, I don’t want to lose you too,
Sky,” he muttered, shoving a forkful of food into his mouth. I reached over to
smother his hand on the table.

“You’ll never lose me. I’m stuck
here for the foreseeable future considering I just signed the revised joint
tenancy agreement,” I smirked at him, loving to tease him, and he shook his
head. “I’m going nowhere, Josh, I’m right where I want to be,” I added softly.

“Promise?” he mumbled. I cuffed
the back of his head.

“What have you been told about
talking with your mouth full?” I warned, sounding like his brother and making
him smile.

When Josh closed the door to the
loft, I stood up and hugged myself as I looked around. I’d slowly moved my
stuff in over the course of the last week, and there were a few more feminine
touches in here now. Cushions and a couple of throws on the sofa, a nice rug,
flowers dotted about, and a few pictures. Nothing over the top, I was still me.
I walked over to the two desks on the far wall, running my fingers along Nate’s
old one. His stuff had been boxed up and moved into Mom and Pops spare room and
my course books filled it now. His bedroom was now mine. I’d changed nothing,
including the large framed picture of his beloved Impala above the bed. She was
still sitting outside in the parking lot, protected with a car cover. I checked
her every now and then to make sure she wasn’t getting too dusty under there,
and that no rust spots were showing. I’d even kept his old bedding, wanting
reminders of him around the place. The night I’d been released from the
hospital, I’d come here and slept in this bed, comforted by the scent of him on
the sheets, but that scent had faded much too fast. His partly used citrus body
wash was still on the shelf in the shower. I never used it, but I liked to open
the top and inhale it. If I closed my eyes, I could almost sense him, remember
him kissing me in this shower, the hot and frantic sex we’d have, trying to get
it over before Josh came back and heard us.

“Snap out of it, Sky,” I sighed.

I grabbed the sunscreen and
covered my exposed arms and legs. It was crazy hot again, and even though I’d
lived here two years now and already had a year-round tan, I still burned
quickly when I was out in it. I took my portable writing desk and headed up to
the roof, pulling my sunglasses on as I made my way over to our old spot. I sat
on the sun lounger, under the shade of the gazebo, an electric fan on instead
of the patio heater we’d used so much, and chewed on the end of my pen as I
stared at the blank letterhead in front of me. It was the end of the month,
which meant it was time for my monthly letter to Nate. I had no idea if he even
opened them, let alone read them, but I’d told him I wasn’t going to give up on
us and I hadn’t, even though I wondered sometimes if I was being delusional.
We’d promised never to say goodbye to each other, and I had to clutch my chest
at the memory of him saying that word to me the last time I saw him. He’d been
so cold and harsh, but I had to believe he was lying. I felt like I’d die if I
found out he wasn’t, that all he’d said was true. Hope was all that was keeping
me going right now. Hope and burying myself in my studies.

I was putting on a happy front to
everyone around me, as I was tired of the sympathetic looks I’d gotten for the
first month, but it was so hard and lonely. I decided to call Liam later, he
always cheered me up. And hearing him so happy in his relationship gave me hope
that one day Nate and I would get that euphoric feeling back when we were
reunited. Liam was pretty much the only one I could talk to about Nate now.
Everyone else, Mom and Pops included, just changed the subject if I ever
brought up his name, like they’d been warned off. Did absence really make the heart
grow fonder, or was time apart a silent killer? I didn’t have the answers. All
I knew was that I wasn’t ready to let go of Nate.

So, each month I filled him in on
my life and what Mom and Pops were up to, then tried to express how much I
missed him and that I was still here waiting for him. I didn’t waste my words
on anyone else, I knew Saunders, Ryder, and Griffin visited him regularly, as
well as his coach and JT. And obviously Josh went as often as he could, so he
was covered on all bases with everyone else’s lives. This was about us. I just
wished I’d get something from him. Anything. It was like he was a mess of
carbon flakes on this piece of paper and someone had just erased him from my
life. But nothing would ever erase him from my heart, I was sure of it. I
started writing.

Nate

August - A Few Days Later

I paced my cell impatiently. Where
the hell was the mail? It was the beginning of the month, which meant I’d get a
letter from her. I had regular visits from everyone that mattered, which was
such a help, and Mr. Torres had kept his word, coming to see me once or twice a
week, acting as my sounding board and giving me well-meaning advice, just like
my dad would have done. I appreciated and valued every single one of those
visits. But truth be told, those monthly love letters were what kept me going.
She’d promised not to give up on me, and so far she hadn’t. Part of me hated
myself for being ecstatic about that. She was suffering without me, as much, I
was sure, as I was without her, but to know she’d moved on would be the last
nail in the coffin.

“Hudson, one for you. Sorry
Razor, nothing.” The crisp white envelope, that had been opened and checked,
was shoved into my eagerly waiting hands.

“Your girl again?” Razor asked as
he came down from the top bunk and stowed it up against the wall.

“Yeah,” I nodded, knowing it was
the biggest smile I’d had on my face since last month.

“I’ll give you some space to read
it,” he grunted. I gave him a nod of gratitude. I wouldn’t have lasted five
minutes in here without him and Denny looking out for me.

They’d been right. My face had
been a blessing on the outside, but in here it was a fucking curse. Most of the
guys were too scared of Razor to try anything with me, other than checking me
out and grabbing their crotches when I walked past. But one guy, who had a
“pack” of three thugs that ran with him, was bad news. He’d been nicknamed
Boner, due to the fact that he always had one. He had an ugly scar down the
side of his face, and from what I’d heard he was missing a testicle that one of
his victims had bitten off. That brave guy had ended up with a shank being
shoved into his throat and chest. Nineteen times. Boner didn’t ask, he demanded
and he got. So far I’d avoided being alone with him, but I’d seen the looks. It
was just a matter of time, and it wasn’t like I could stick to Razor’s ass the
whole time like a hemorrhoid. I sat down at the desk and my fingers shook as I
pulled out the letter. I held it to my face and inhaled deeply, feeling
immediately comforted. I could smell her favorite perfume on it, the one she’d
worn on our first date. I smoothed it out and began to read.