To the Steadfast (14 page)

I spread out in the
plastic lawn chair and let the morning sun shine down
on my pale skin. It’s just me, a cup of coffee, and a few steamy romance
novels. It’s something Lydia got me into. There’s something about alpha males I
can’t seem to shake. When something comes flying over my fence, I jump up,
spilling my iced coffee all over my chest. I glare at the familiar figure while
wiping myself off with a towel.

“Jeez, Violet. Can’t
you use the front door like the rest of the world?”

She stands from her
squatting position, and tucks her blonde hair behind her right ear. There’re a
few new decorations in them. A large gauge and a cuff along the top of one. She
is also sporting a ring through the left side of her lip and a nose piercing.
Violet has never made it easy to fit in, she thrives off being different.

“I see you’ve gotten a
few new piercings since I saw you last.”

She touches her face.
“Oh, these old things? I’ve had them for a long time. I just took them out so I
didn’t freak out your prissy new friends. Get dressed. I’ve got plans for us.”

“I can’t today. I just
want to rest and do nothing, plus I’m meeting up with Killian tonight.”

“That dweeb? Blow him
off and come hang out with me, I bet he has to go play Dungeons and Dragons
with his friends anyway.”

I pull my sunglasses
down my nose so I can glare at her. I thought she liked Killian, she called him
hot. “I seriously doubt he plays that game.”

“Come on, please?” She
sticks out her bottom lip and after a few seconds even resolves to bending down
on her knees.

I sit up and walk over
to the outdoor shower to wash the sticky drink off me.

“How about we hang out
in a day or two?” The sound of the shower drowns out her groans.

I was anxious about
hanging out with Killian again. I hadn’t thought about him much while I was
gone. It sounds selfish, however when I saw him yesterday, I suddenly realized
how much I’d missed our late night conversations.

As I wash the chlorine
out of my hair, Violet continues on and on about how she missed me and how she
wanted to have a welcome back party for me.

“Fine, if I go will you
drop it?” I snap.

“Yes.”

“Give me fifteen
minutes. I’ll be back out.”

Going out with Violet
means looking my best. I’ll be seeing all my old classmates, and all the people
I used to call acquaintances. After I’m satisfied with my appearance, hair up
and squeezed into my smallest shorts, I go back down to the pool where Violet
has cracked open a bottle of tequila.

“How did you get that?”
I nod towards my mother’s normally locked liquor cabinet. She’d even made sure
to double lock it before I came home.

“I learned a few tricks
why you were away,” she says between swigs.

“Oh, really?” I put my
hands on my hips while giving her a smirk. “Did that include robbing houses?”

She shoves the bottle
against my chest. “Hang around long enough this summer and I guess you will
find out.”

There’s a playful
twinkle in her eyes, and we both know the other is only kidding. For a moment,
I feel like we could be friends again. Maybe she’s grown up a bit. Relishing in
the nostalgia of it all, I wrap my arms around her.

“I didn’t want to go. I
want you to know that, but you know my parents. They threatened and manipulated
me into going. What was I supposed to do? Runaway?”

“Yes.”

“I couldn’t, and after
I got there I was miserable for days. Everyone else was about to go off for
summer and I was having to spend the entire semester redoing my junior year.
Everyone there was different than what I’d imagined. It wasn’t just a bunch of
rich kids or nerdy students, they were a family. Like a real family. The one I
always wanted.”

She stands in front of
me, a blank expression on her face. She slow blinks then shrugs.

“Well, at least you
finally got out of that place?”

I close my mouth. That
was not the reaction I was going for, but then again, Violet was never any good
at deep, meaningful conversation.

She tugs on my arm like
a four-year-old. “Come on!”

My car has long been
sold, no doubt just to make me mad, but I happen to know where my mother keeps
the keys to her perfect Jaguar—in the back of a kitchen drawer. Peeling out
with no regard to the wear and tear on her car, we drive to a lake just outside
of town.

“What are we doing
here?” The sun is high in the sky, reflecting off the brown waters. I’ve been
to this lake dozens of times.

“Remember a few years
ago when we all decided that after we graduated we would jump from James
Jordon’s Bridge?”

“Yeah…” I don’t like
where this conversation is heading.

“Come on, a bunch of us
are doing it.”

She points to a group
of fifteen or so teenagers. I recognize them all from school. Some are my age,
a few are older. Among the crowd, I’m able to pick out a few faces I’d rather
not see, one of them being Mischa. His body is a little more muscular and his
hair is cut short around his ears. It’s a shame too. I loved his long hair. It
completed his bad boy look perfectly.

“What is
he
doing here?” I hiss as we walk over. I deliberately keep my eyes off Mischa and
instead smile at the group of people.

“He heard you were back
and wanted to join in on the welcome back party.”

“Thanks for the
warning.”

“Tell me you’re not
still hung up on him.”

I wasn’t.

 I’m not.

 I’m not sure what to
think. My entire body is turning against me. It’s like every time I see him, he
hypnotizes me. Sucking in a deep breath, I hold it as Violet announces my
arrival. There’s a round of high fives and hugs. Elliot pushes his way to the
front and looks me up and down.

“Remember me?” he asks.

Even though I want to,
how could I forget? “Yes, Elliot.”

His arm goes around my
shoulder like now that I’m back in town we are automatically hooking up again.
I try to pull away, but he steps with me. Somewhere in the mess, my eyes fall
on Mischa. He’s standing back a good five feet, never coming any closer, but I
can feel his gaze follow me as I struggle away from Elliot. I catch up with
some old classmates and answer the usual questions like where I’ve been or what
I’m doing back. The sun beats on my back, and with each passing second, the
cool water begins to look more appealing.

“Let’s jump!” someone
yells. A beer is shoved in my hands, and I follow the group through the woods
toward the bottom of the bridge. As I look up at the old metal bridge, I
determine it’s a good few hundred feet in the air. Not many people have jumped
from it, except the bravest, or should I stay stupidest. I don’t know what
could have come over me to ever want to jump from that deathtrap. What used to
thrill me now only scares me.

“Are you jumping?” I
ask Violet.

She looks up, shielding
her eyes from the sun. “Oh yeah, I’m gonna be the first. You excited?”

“Eh, I don’t know if I
feel like jumping. The water looks a little low.”

“Don’t be a baby.”

“Are you trying to kill
me?”

She gives me the stink
eye, and for a brief moment, I wonder if she is. Uncomfortable, I turn to one
of the girls standing beside me. Her name is Kate. We’ve gone to the same
school since grade school. We’ve never really talked, but it looks like she’s
part of the crowd now. The new Cody.

“Are you jumping?” I
ask.

She doesn’t hesitate. “Hell
yeah. Aren’t you?”

Violet grabs the
unopened beer in my hand and cracks it open. She shoves it in my hand and I
reluctantly take a small sip before answering. “I’m not sure.”

“Oh, she’s jumping.”
Violet puts her arms around me and pulls me close. “She’s not backing down.”

“Who’s jumping?” Mischa
steps beside Kate and puts his arms around her shoulder. She looks up at him
and lets out the most annoying and shrilly giggle. She really is the new Cody.

I feel an eyebrow just
begging to rise up, and I even have to close my eyes just so no one can see my
eyes roll. The two of them? Kate is so homely. She isn’t incredibly hot or
smart. She’s just boring. She was always just middle class normal, never
standing out. What in the world would attract Mischa to her? Especially if he
didn’t want me. Why her? My brain goes into overdrive as I try and figure it
out. The next thing I know, Violet is elbowing me in the ribs, trying to hand
me a joint. I grab it but immediately hand it off to Kate. I don’t touch the
stuff anymore. As much as I try not to, I lock eyes with Mischa. They’re full
of a playful concern. And questions. Lots and lots of questions.

“I’m gonna go get
another beer,” I tell them, motioning toward the huge cooler that someone has
dragged down to the edge of the water.

“I’ll join you. I’m out
as well.” Mischa downs the last of his beer and crushes the can in his hands.

How redneck.

I’ll think anything
just to forget how he makes me feel when I look at him.

He follows me away from
the girls. We’re silent for a minute, but eventually he clears his throat and
begins the awkward conversation.

“Violet mentioned you
were back.”

“Yup. Just for the
summer.”

“You going back to
school?”

“No,” I tell him. My
voice gets a bit defensive. “I’m going to college. Why is everyone finding that
so hard to believe.”

He holds his hands out
in front of him. “Whoa there. That’s what I meant. No need to get upset.” He
grabs a beer out of the cooler and opens it for me before grabbing one for
himself.

“I heard your parents went
all mental, sending you away to a boarding school.”

“I’m lucky they didn’t
do it sooner just to get me out of the way.”

“I’m glad you’re back
though.”

I instantly think of
his father, who’d been sent away before I left. I’d searched online for information
regarding the outcome, but had come up empty handed.

“Speaking of parents,
how is Crumb?”

Mischa’s back
straightens and his face pales. “Dad is in jail for the next five years.”

“What?” I’d never
expected that, a slap on the wrist maybe. This is a small town which means
these types of things are normally overlooked.

“Yeah, I don’t really
wanna talk about it.” He shifts slightly on his feet.

“I’m sorry.”

“About what happened
that last night I was here—” My words are cut short by Violet screaming.

“Jumping time!” puts
her hands on either side of her mouth and gives out a huge whoop.

Five or six of the kids
begin the hike up the hill to the top of the bridge, but I stay in my spot next
to Mischa.

“Aren’t you jumping?”
he asks.

I shake my head. “I’m afraid
of heights.”

Violet strolls over and
interjects. “I call bull. You’re not afraid of heights.”

She was spying. I cross
my hands in front of my chest. “You never asked.”

She only scoffs and
points up at the bridge. “You’re graduating. We made a solemn vow to jump off
that bridge when we graduated. You’re not gonna go back on that promise, are
you?”

There’s something in
the way she says it. It’s as if she’s putting me down. She has no room to talk.
She forgets one thing. I don’t back down to a challenge. I shove my beer in her
hands, bite down on my tongue, and pull my tank top over my head.

“Fine. I’ll jump.”

Walking across the bridge in
my bathing suit is the easy part. As I lean over the
edge and look down into the murky waters, a rush overcomes me. The adrenaline
in my body triples, leaving me light headed and slightly out of breath. This
feeling, I haven’t felt it in so long. It’s unexplainable, but it feels good.
This invincible feeling where I feel alive again. I’ve lived in the same
routine for so long. Study, study, study. I never gave myself the time to have
fun. The time to do something so stupid and reckless. I can see Violet swimming
to the shore. Her jump went smoothly, so what’s the worst that can happen?

“You staying in town
long?” Kate asks, startling me. I lean away from the edge. There’s a sort of
jealousy in her voice as if she’s gauging how long I’m gonna be a threat.

She can squirm it out.
“Not long. You?”

“I’ve decided to stay
in town. Mischa and I are thinking about getting our own place.”

I want to laugh, but I
keep a straight face. She’s saying this to get on my nerves, which means Mischa
must have told her something about us. “You and Mischa, huh? How did you guys
meet?”

“Oh, he worked at the
local gas station by my house. I’d go in there to fill up and we’d talk. He
finally asked me out after weeks of mindless flirting.”

“That’s cool.” I
couldn’t be more uninterested. Maybe Mischa really did get over his phobia of
dating. It just hurts he couldn’t have done it with me.

“You jumping or not?”
Kate asks as she gathers her blonde hair into a ponytail.

“Um…yeah. Just trying
to gather the courage.”

She gives a small laugh.
“Come on, it’s not like anyone has died or anything.”

Wait? Had they? I try
to remember any news on the bridge, but current events aren’t at the top of my
list these days. “Are you serious?” I blurt out, but it’s too late.

Kate has already
jumped. I peek over the edge, my heart beating wildly as I wait for her to
resurface. This is stupid. I made some dumb promise to jump years ago. I made a
lot of dumb decisions back then. Sleeping with Mischa was one of them. Doesn’t
mean I have to go through with the jump. A few other kids take their turn, and
the next thing I know, I’m alone. My knees are locked, not allowing me to move.

Everyone is yelling,
and I think they’re yelling at me to jump. As their screams become a little
angry, I take a deep breath and push off the edge of the bridge. I don’t think.
I don’t react. I just close my eyes and do it. The wind whistles in my ears as
I fall. Down, down, until I feel the water sting my legs and arms. As the water
hits my face, the air is knocked out of my lungs and water is forced into my
nose and mouth. My body wants to instinctively take a breath, but I try and
force the feeling back down. A little water still manages to make its way into
my nose and as I kick to reach the surface, my lungs begin to burn for oxygen.
Seconds pass, but still no air. As soon as I break the surface, I begin to
cough and sputter up the little water I managed to swallow.

“Cody!” someone screams
before I go back under. I wave my hand in the air, hoping someone will take it
as a sign. I’m still struggling to stay afloat, but most of my concentration is
focused on trying to get air and not suck in the water.
This is it. I’m
gonna die.

I manage to get back to
the top and stay afloat for a few seconds while I cough before going back under
again. As the water engulfs my face, someone grabs my arm and pulls me up. I
don’t have to open my eyes to know it’s Mischa. I wrap my arms around his
familiar shoulders and bury my head into the crook of his neck.

“Shhh. It’s okay.
You’re gonna be okay.”

I don’t reply because
I’m still coughing. He swims me to the shore which is a good hundred or so feet
away. Once we’re on the grassy bank. I wipe the water from my eyes and sit up.

“Oh, shit!” Violet
says, rushing to my side. “Cody, that was the scariest thing ever. Are you
okay?”

I nod and take a minute
to calm myself down.

“Mischa jumped in the
water as soon as you hit.”

I look up at Violet
then over at Mischa, who is standing a few feet away with Kate.

“Why? How did you
know?”

“He saw you hit the
water. When you jumped, your entire body leaned forward. A little more and you
would have belly flopped. I bet it hurt when you hit the water.”

“Yeah. Water went right
up my nose.” I roll my neck to stretch out the muscles as I stand. “I want to
go home.”

“Really? A bunch of us
are gonna build a fire. Don’t be a party pooper.” Violet tries to pull me into
a side hug, but I push away. I don’t want anyone touching me right now.

“Stay, but I’m
leaving.”

Mischa catches my eye.
“You can’t drive. I’m gonna take you home.”

I swear Kate’s eyes
flash with something evil. “But I thought we were gonna hang out.”

“Cody can’t drive in
her condition.”

My face reddens as I
wrap a towel around myself. “I’m fine, Mischa. Really.”

He doesn’t hear me or
if he does, he doesn’t care. “I won’t take no for an answer. I’m driving you
home.”

I don’t want him to
drive me home. I don’t want to be alone with him. Being wrapped up in his arms
was bad enough. I’m not sure I can control myself any longer.

“Let me do it, you can
stay here with everyone else.” Elliot steps forward. I do not want to be alone
with him either. Something about the way he stares at me gives me the creeps.

“You’re not touching
her,” Mischa growls at Elliot.

I walk away, hoping
they will get the hint, but someone follows me through the trees.

“I told you I’m fine!”
I yell to whoever is behind me.

“I need to make sure.”
Mischa follows behind me at a close distance.

When I reach my car, I
try to jump in the driver’s side before Mischa can stop me. He’s too quick. Before
I can get the door open, he lifts me up and moves me out of the way so he can
get inside.

“It’s rude to leave
your date hanging.”

He motions for me to
get in the car so I step around to the passenger side and get inside.

He starts the car and
turns to look at me. “Kate will understand. You’re my friend.”

I laugh. “She seems to
think you two are one step away from moving in together.”

His brow furrows in
confusion before he shakes his head. “Well, she’s sadly mistaken.”

“Just drive and be
careful,” I snap. “This is my mom’s car.”

Once we’re on the road,
Mischa keeps looking over at me. It’s pissing me off. We didn’t leave on good
terms, so things can’t magically be okay.

“Why are you doing
this?” I demand, after he sneaks the millionth look at me.

“Doing what? You almost
drowned, and I’m taking you home.”

“Would you rather
douchebag Elliot drove you home?”

I consider his words. “What
do
you
want? You want to sleep with me and make empty promises before
dropping me for someone else the first chance you get?”

He leans his head back
and stares at the sky. “I missed you. I miss hanging out with you on the
weekends. I miss yours and Violet’s sleepovers and our late nights.”

“Don’t say that,” I
dare him. I can’t take his lies.

“I missed you.”

I struggle to keep a
straight face, but his confession tugs at my heart. “I missed you...a little,
but I’m not sure we can go back to being just friends.”

“Who said we had to be
just friends. There’s always friends with benefits.”

My throat aches. Being
with Mischa was one of the best nights of my life, and here he is offering a
repeat performance with no strings attached.

“What happens at the
end of the summer?”

“We don’t think about
tomorrow, and your father can’t find out about us.”

“Why not?”

 He reaches out to stroke
the side of my cheek with his hand. His eyes are sincere, and until now, I
hadn’t realized how much I missed him. I would do anything for him, and a part
of me will always be attracted to him.

“He just can’t.”

I don’t understand what
my father has to do with us being together, but I let it go.

“Thank you by the way,”
I whisper, turning to look out the window at the trees passing by.

“For what?”

“Saving my life.”

He lets out a puff of
air and leans back in his seat, adjusting the recline so he’s sitting back
further. It’s not until he begins fiddling with the radio that I realize he’s
not going to acknowledge my gratitude.

“You don’t have
anything to say?”

The muscles in his neck
tighten and then relax, and I can plainly see the internal struggle within him.
Hot and cold.

“You don’t have to be
nice, Cody. I’m not a guy worth being nice to.”

I reach out and set my
hand on his forearm. “I don’t believe you. You’ve always watched out for me and
Violet. Sure, you’ve done some shitty things to me, but you saved my life. No
one else swam out to me. You did.”

I can’t believe I’m
sticking up for him. I’m basically forgiving him for the things he said to me
last year, but as I say the words I know I’m over it. He was my first. We’ll
always have this between us.

He grabs my hand and
brings the back of it to his lips for a soft kiss. “I’m no good for you. I
don’t deserve to be in anything you dream, but I want to be.” He keeps looking
at me, making me squirm.

“What?” I check the
overhead mirror in case there’s something on my face.

“Nothing.”

A sharp laugh escapes
my lips. It was never entirely Mischa’s fault. Violet dragged me down a dark
path full of parties, boys, and late nights. I let myself get caught up in the
thrill of it all. I’ve only been back in town for a day and almost jumped to my
death.

“You can take this
friend with benefits proposal and shove it.”

He doesn’t look
convinced and after studying me for a moment, he jumps out of the car and
rushes around to open the passenger door for me.

“I’m not gonna give up
so easily, Cody,” he whispers as I step out.

Swallowing, but not
letting the cold expression on my face falter, I look him in the eyes.

“If you want me, you want
all of me, and I want all of you. I don’t want the easy parts.”

“What if the easy parts
are all you can handle?”

We’re not getting
through to each other so I turn away. “I’m going to take a nap. I was up most
of the night watching TV.”

“TV?”

“I haven’t watched TV
in over a year. They don’t allow it at school. Rots your brain or something.”

I unlock the front door
and walk inside. Mischa follows without being invited in.

“Mind if I take a nap
with you?”

It feels like a
challenge and only because he can’t see my face, I smile as I walk up the
stairs to my room. “Just a nap?”

“Just a nap. I can’t
get any sleep at my parents. My mom makes too much noise.”

“I can believe that.” I
remember how his mom wanders around at all hours of the night and day talking to
herself.  “Why do you still live there?”

He takes off one shoe
and then the other. “My dad let them both down, I guess it’s my turn to step
up. I can never abandon her. She’s too sick.”

Scooting across the
bed, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and press up against his back. “You’re
sweet, no matter how hard of a douche bag you try to be.”

“Douche bag? What are
you twelve?”

“Just go to sleep.” I
push him down on the bed and hover over him for a second. My fingers trace the
edge of his T-shirt. They itch to pull it up over his chest. They itch to grab
his face and press our lips together like this past year never happened, to
hold him like I used to before things got complicated.