To the Steadfast (23 page)

“You mean to tell me
you both went to the same Catholic boarding school?”
Abs’s eyes widen and his tongue practically licks the floor.

Lydia and I exchange a
quick look before nodding our head.

“That’s super hot,” he
breathes out.

I spin the ice in my
cup with my straw while trying my best not to laugh. This double date wasn’t my
brightest idea, but at least Abs seems to be having fun. Lydia, on the other
hand, is enjoying the attention like she always does. Jake Abidin, or Abs as we
all call him, is Bassam’s best friend and former roommate. While Lydia visits
for the first week of summer break, I thought this would be the perfect chance
to indulge in my first double date.

“I need to visit the
little girl’s room,” Lydia says.

 That’s girl code for
she needs to talk, so I stand as well and leave the two men chatting about
chemical equations or whatever it is they talk about.

When we’re out of
earshot, Lydia grabs my chin and forces me to look up at her. “You owe me big
time, bitch. I bet you twenty to one that guy out there is a virgin.”

“Who, Abs? No, surely
not. He’s twenty-two.” I try to play innocent, but she can see right through
me. Bassam already warned me that Abs was about as girl clueless as they came,
but he was so sweet, it’s hard to believe no one has snatched him up yet.

“He’s like the poster
child for the forty-year-old-virgin! He told me he has a Pokémon card
collection.”

“He’s cute,” I protest.

“I suppose in a nerdy
way he has some potential. Can’t we just call it a night? I’m ready to do some
serious partying.”

“One more hour,
please.”

She waves her hand at
me. “Oh, whatever.”

“You are the best!” I
give her a kiss on the cheek and peek at the guys, who are chatting at the
table. Bassam is using some big hand gestures to explain something, and by the
looks of it, it’s school related.

“Abs is boring just like
Bassam is, no offense.”

“I thought you liked
Bassam!”

“I do, I mean I did,
but he’s safe. He’s boring, and he’s obsessed with you. He’s not taken his eyes
off you all night.”

“Okay, Lydia. You’re
overreacting. He misses me; we hardly get to see each other.”

“Don’t you want a guy
who’s fun?”

“I want a guy who won’t
break my heart. Bassam won’t break my heart.”

“Never say never. By
the way, have you talked to Suzanne any?” Lydia asks.

“We text occasionally.
Why?”

She shrugs. “No
reason.”

I try to break her
under my stare; she’s hiding something, but I don’t know what. After a few
moments, I give up and we walk back over to the guys.

“So,” Lydia asks as we
slide into the booth. “Are there any good parties around here?”

“I don’t really attend
parties,” Bassam says with a completely uninterested look on his face.

“Why go to college if
not for the life experience? Do you know how many parties I’ve been to at
Juilliard? Zero! It’s not a party school.” Lydia holds up her hand in the shape
of a zero. “And frankly, I want to get a little wild this summer. I’ve been
slaving away all year with practices and classes and plays and making
connections—”

“Lord help us!” I moan.
“Someone find her a party before she passes out from lack of air.”

Abs sits up slightly
and tugs on the collar of his shirt. “I may know of a party.”

Lydia scoots a little
closer to him. Her eyes suddenly become interested in the guy she had dissed
only moments ago. “You just became my new best friend.”

Bassam grabs my hand
under the table. I know he won’t go to a party. He has to finish packing for
his internship at Vanderbilt. We’re not going to spend our last night together
at some college party. I’ve done the whole drunk party scene. It got old fast.

“You two go ahead.
Bassam and I are gonna have another drink and call it a night.”

“What?” Lydia shrieks.
“Don’t be a party pooper.”

“No, really. Go have
fun, you two.”

A look of betrayal
crosses her face. She doesn’t want to go without me but has no other choice.

“Fine, I’ll be home
tonight.”

They both stand and
Lydia gives me a kiss before leaving.

“What a fun double
date,” I say with an unenthused tone.

“My moving has clouded
all the potential.” Bassam kisses my cheek and presses our foreheads together.
I’ve known about this move for a few weeks now. His career comes first, and I
kind of like it. My heart doesn’t get too attached, and he has the freedom to
focus on himself.

“Shouldn’t we have fun
on your last night? Make it memorable?”” I ask.

“I really need to call
it a night. I have to be on the road early for my first day.”

I sigh and pull away
from him. He’s only moving an hour away. We’ll still see each other.

“Cody, It’s only two
more years.”

“I know. It’s just the
distance. Our relationship is so new. What if we don’t make it?”

He tilts my chin up and
his hard gaze permeates all my insecurities. “We’ll make it.”

Bassam gives me a kiss
before leaving me alone in the bar to finish my drink.

“We’ll make it,” I
whisper to myself.

I press refresh one
last time to see that nothing has changed.

“What is taking them so
long?” I exclaim. I rest my head against the cool wooden table and groan
loudly.

Bassam leans over me to
kiss the back of my neck. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. If you don’t get in, you
have backup schools. Schools that are even better than here.”

“Backup schools? That
would mean leaving you.”

Bassam has another year
of school left but has agreed to follow me wherever I need to go. I don’t want
him to uproot his life for me. Getting into nursing school is all I ever
wanted. With Bassam’s help, I passed all my classes with flying colors and
spent the past two summers interning with my father. Is it enough to get in? As
competitive as nursing schools are, nothing is guaranteed.

“I’ll follow you
anywhere,” he insists, taking my chin and forcing me to look up at him. “I
promise. I won’t leave you hanging.”

My phone interrupts our
moment, but it’s only Lydia so I press ignore.

“I’ll call her back,” I
tell him.

 A few seconds later, a
text comes through.

Lydia: Call me 911

I turn away from Bassam
and press dial to call her back.

“Everything okay?” he
asks. I hold my hand out to make him be quiet and wait for her to pick up.

“Cody, thank God. I
have something to tell you. I think you should know even though
some
people
don’t think it’s any of your business.”

There’s an edge to her
voice that worries me. I reach back and grab Bassam’s arm to steady me. I don’t
know what she’s going to say, but I have this horrible feeling that it’s bad.
“What is it?”

“I know you and Killian
aren’t exactly friends right now. I know there was some sort of falling out for
whatever reason. I don’t know if you still care about him.”

“Spit it out, Lydia!” I
demand. I turn to face Bassam and he mouths ‘what’s wrong?’ but I wave my hand
at him again to shut him up.

“Killian broke his
back. He fell from the roof of his house.”

“He what? How did you
find out?”

“Suzanne told me.
They’ve been seeing each other a little bit. I know she didn’t tell you. She
was worried that you’d get all jealous, but technically—”

“Is he okay?” I shriek,
a little annoyed with her rambling.

“They say he’ll be
fine.”

“I have to go to him.”

“He’s at the
rehabilitation center in Betty. Suzanne has been in and out of there for a few
weeks already.”

“Thanks for letting me
know.” I hang up before she can say anything else.

I look up at Bassam and
try to figure out what to say. “I have to get back home.”

“But I just got into
town.”

“An old friend is hurt.
I should visit…at least. You know?”

“Of course. Who is it?”

I’ve never mentioned
Killian to Bassam. I don’t really speak about Killian to anyone. “Umm... my
neighbor. His name is Killian.”

“So you want to go back
home to visit a guy I’ve never heard of? Did you guys date or something?”

“No, it’s not like
that.” I begin throwing stuff into my suitcase.

“I’m coming with you.
I’m not gonna allow you to drive all the way down there alone.”

Because my mother is
in town, Bassam and I decide to skip staying with her
and get a hotel room in Betty. When I go to see Killian, I insist Bassam stay
behind. Now isn’t the time to introduce the two. I don’t know how Killian will
react to me being here. Will he yell or scream? He may possibly kick me out.  I
emailed him for months after I left but never once got a reply.

There’s an empty
feeling in my heart as I step through the doorway of his room. That’s when
everything begins to feel final. This could be the last time I ever see him
again. It took almost two years for me to make this move, and I have no idea
how it will be received.

He’s lying on his back
with a brace around him. He’s lost weight and his skin has turned this pasty
white color, but he’s still as beautiful as I remember.

“Killian.” It comes out
more like a squeak and he turns from the TV to look at me. A figure moves from
the other side of the room and it steals my attention. It’s Suzanne. Her curly
hair is a mess and the dark circles under her eyes are deep.

“Hello, Cody.” The
pleasant look on her face is forced. It’s impossible to tell whether she is
happy to see me or displeased.

“Hello.” There’s this
moment that passes between the two of us. She’s jealous because of how Killian
felt for me, and she’s afraid I’m here to steal him. It only takes a moment,
but I knew her once, and I can feel it.

She takes a few small
steps and pulls me in for a stiff hug. “I’ll let you two catch up.”

She leaves the room,
the sound of her heels clicking with each step. She could have been catty and
refused to leave, but she didn’t. As her steps become distant, I fan my heated
face.

“Cody? What are you
doing here?”

“I heard about the
accident.” Biting my bottom lip, I put on a brave face even though the smell of
this place makes me nauseous.

“We climbed out onto
the roof a million times. I had to fall the one time you weren’t there.”

“I can’t believe you
still hang out up there.”

“Always,” he says in a
hoarse whisper.

“Does it hurt?”

“They have me on so
many drugs.” He laughs briefly before wincing. I can’t tell if it’s from pain
or sadness.

“How is life?”

“I was supposed to
graduate in a few months. Looks like it may be pushed back a little bit.”

“Oh, Killian. Why were
you out there? We aren’t kids anymore. ” I take the last few steps to close the
gap between us and put my hand on his. “You’re practically an old man now.”

“Ha, ha.” He rolls his
eyes with very little amusement. “Sometimes I go out there, you know. Just to
think.”

I can’t hold it back
any longer. With movements so gentle, I stroke his cheek with the back of my
hand. “Sometimes I think about that day. If I could take it all back.”

“Cody. Please don’t.”

I put my hand up to
stop him. “It needs to be said.”

He nods to let me
continue.

“If I could take it all
back, I would. I would have stayed out there on that rooftop with you forever.
I could have been happy with you.”

He stares up at the
ceiling. Each passing moment is hell. “Are you happy now?”

I look behind me at the
door frame. I don’t know who or what I’m looking for, but a part of me feels
ashamed to answer his question. “Yes, I am. At least I think I am. I met a
man.”

“I’m happy for you.
What’s his name?”

“His name is Bassam.
He’s a scientist, or soon to be scientist. You’d like him.”

“Good, I’m glad. I’m
just happy you aren’t pining over Cromwell anymore.”

I don’t want to talk
about him today. It just reminds me of the shame I put myself through. “Me,
too. He’s so out of the picture. I haven’t talked to him in so long.”

“He had a baby with
Kate last winter.”

“Oh?” I’m at a loss for
words. Unsure as to if I care or am happy for him. I remember that it hurt.
Being around him hurt. Being without him hurt. I mended, but I’ll never really
erase him from my heart.  “So, you and Suzanne, huh?”

“Really? Do we have to
talk about this?”

“Oh, come on. I told
you about Bassam.”

“Fine.” His voice
trails off for a moment as he closes his eyes. “After summer ended, we started
exchanging texts. It was harmless enough. Soon we were meeting for dinners and
it sorta gets blurred from there. Next thing I know, I’m spending Christmas
with her family and helping her redecorate her dorm room.”

There are a dozen
different emotions flowing through me, and I can’t pinpoint even one. Confusion
is nothing new for me. Maybe one day I will understand all these feelings. When
I’m older. “That’s good. No, yeah. I, uh, I’m happy for you two. You two
deserve each other.”

“Nice. We deserve each
other?”

“No, I didn’t mean it
like that. I only meant that I’m glad you both found someone to make you
happy.”

“You know that
phrase…happiness is what you make it? I think it applies here.”

I remember the gift I
have tucked in my pocket. I pull it out slowly, not sure if it’s appropriate to
give now. “I brought you this,” I tell him, placing the picture on his chest.

The right side of his
face twitches as he stares at the picture of the two of us from prom. That
feels like such a lifetime ago. Two crazy kids with their whole lives ahead of
them.

“I can’t believe you
still have this.”

“Always,” I whisper so
low I’m not sure he can hear me.

“Thanks, put it in that
drawer.”

A sharp pain radiated
through my heart as I put the picture away, out of sight, just like he wants.
We spend the next few minutes making small talk until Suzanne clears her throat
and steps inside the room with a coffee in her hand. We stop chatting, and the
smile on my face disappears.

“I better go,” I say. I
point to the door.

“Thanks for stopping
by,” Killian says.

 Suzanne smiles and
goes in for another hug. She whispers into my ear. “We should catch up
sometime.”

I nod but don’t say
much else. We won’t catch up, not anytime soon. It’s just something two people
say so they don’t feel as bad about how their friendship drifted apart. The
truth is, Suzanne and I were never really that close.

I can feel the tears
threatening to spill, but I’m able to tolerate a few more seconds in the room
before walking out and letting them out. A part of me always loved Killian,
even though I refused to acknowledge it. Neither of us found our love worth
fighting for, and I was too busy fighting another hopeless love.