To the Steadfast (5 page)

I walk across the
lawn
into my next-door neighbor’s
yard. Killian Carmike is a college sophomore, and when his parents are away, he
invites the kids over to play. He’s been begging me to stop by for a few
weekends, but until tonight, I’ve been busy.

“Cody!” Killian wraps
his huge arms around me as I enter the house. His face is covered by a crooked
baseball cap. Pieces of his curly brown hair stick out from under it. He shoves
a beer in my hand and points to the fifteen or so people crowded around the
living room, mainly guys.

“Hey, guys. This is my
neighbor Cody. Cody, these are my friends. Say hi!”

I give them a small
wave and set the half-empty drink down. All the guys look like bodybuilders.
One guy is so muscular he can’t even drop his hands down at his sides.

“You got any vodka?” I
ask.

Killian shakes his
head. “Tonight, all we drink is Killian’s lager.”

This guy can be so full
of himself, making us drink only his beer, but he’s a fun guy. We’ve always
lived next door to each other, but since he’s a few years older than me, we
never really hung around the same crowd. Until recently, that is.

He opens a cooler and
shoves a fresh bottle of beer, the one he’s named after, in my hand.

I hate beer, but I know
if I drink it quickly enough, the taste will fade away, followed by the
emptiness.

“Shouldn’t you be at
home studying or something?” he teases.

“Who has tests on
Mondays? You’re killing my buzz here!”

He goes back to his
friends, and I wander through the living room. I came for the free booze, not
to make friends. All the people here are older than me which kind of makes me
feel uneasy. Someone comes up behind me and leans in close.

“When are your parents
coming home?” Killian whispers in my ear.

“Who knows? Who cares?
When are yours?” I take a swig of the beer.

“You wanna get out of
here?”

That’s his version of
asking me if I wanna go to the rooftop. It started last summer when he came
home from his first year of college. We were both home alone, and he saw me
sitting out back by the pool. He asked if I wanted to help him film a video. Of
course, I thought it was some porno ploy and started throwing chips at him. He
explained it was a video for his YouTube channel and we had a good laugh
followed by a trip to the roof of his house to watch a comet with his telescope
and after that, it became a weekend habit. When he’s home, we drink on the
roof, talking about stupid stuff until we pass out.

“Sure.”

He grabs my hand and we
leave his friends behind.

“I think your dad is
having an affair with my mom,” I blurt out.

Killian straightens up.
Loose lips involving the affairs of one of the most honorable men in Betty is
always a bad idea.

“I wouldn’t doubt it.
Hope she doesn’t get too attached. Dad isn’t about to ruin his career with an
affair scandal.”

I was hoping he’d deny
it, but when I realize he isn’t, I drop it.

Once upstairs, we climb
from his window and navigate to the middle of the roof. I situate to a place
where I’m comfortable and don’t feel like I’m gonna slide off and break my
neck. It isn’t slippery up here, but one bad fall would be catastrophic.

“How’s life?” he asks,
raising a bottle to clink against mine.

“Slow. How’s school?”

“Awful. Mom won’t let
me quit, and I have no idea what I’m even doing. I’m going to be one of those
people who never picks a major. I just want to sit at home in my boxers while
smoking a joint and playing video games. In my spare time, I’ll make my stupid
parody videos. ”

I roll my eyes. He
should tell his parents to go to hell but never does. He continues to be the
picture-perfect son they always wanted, just like me. But we both have our
secrets. The things we do when our parents aren’t looking.

“You’re an adult. Your
mom doesn’t own you.” I pick some lint off the front of my black blouse and
give him a half smile.

He shrugs and lies back
against the hard roof. “I suppose I like their money too much.”

“How about that girl
you were dating?”

“Oh, the country club
girl? She’s just perfect for their image, but a real bore. She’d never drink on
the rooftop with me.”

The cool wind blows, so
I smile and scoot closer to him for warmth. “I guess it’s a good thing you have
me then.”

“You are better than
her any day.” He pushes the hair off my face and the corners of his eyes
crinkle just a bit in pleasure.

He’s not flirting with
me, but instead he is stating the fact that we have a comfortable relationship.
Platonic and easy. Nothing sexual.

 “But I bet she has
parents that aren’t as shitty as ours.”

“Does it matter?” He
throws his beer off the roof. It bounces off a trashcan by the wooden fence
separating our yards and shatters on the ground.

“Nice shot,” I tease,
making fun of the fact that he was point guard for the high school basketball
team.

We sit for a few more
minutes, searching the skies for our life changer. Killian is the only one who
has ever been able to understand my home life. People think being rich makes
you happy, but they’re wrong.

“They finished that
two-story house today.” He points across the highway at the large clearing
where a subdivision is being built. They’ve been working on it since last
summer. We’ve watched them build and sell a total of five houses so far. It’s
amazing how much work is put into building a home, how many people it takes.
It’s too bad that same amount of work isn’t put into the family that lives
there.

“You start,” he says.
Our game is simple. Sort of an
Imagine if
game for each new home. I
think for a moment and finally come up with the perfect family to live there.

“A family. Two boys and
a single dad. Dad is a high school teacher and drives a minivan. He’s an Eagle
Scout leader and on the weekends they camp…for fun.” I squirm as I say the last
few words.

“Sounds idyllic. Wish
my dad did things like that with me.  As long as I stay out of trouble and pose
for his precious pictures, he’s content to let me do as I please.”

“Ditto. You know what
to do,” I tell him. It’s his turn to make the toast, a ritual we do whenever a
house is completed. He pauses for a long moment, but eventually lifts his glass
to the sky.

“Here’s to shitty
parents.”

“To shitty parents.” I
knock my beer against his and grin. To shitty parents because that’s all we’ll
ever have.

Violet has missed
the past
week of school. It’s not
because she’s afraid of how people at school will look at her—it’s no secret
that her dad supplies the town with all types of drugs and even the occasional
fake ID—but whatever the reason, I’m not gonna let my parents keep me away from
her. She needs me, and they aren’t really around enough to know what I do in my
spare time. 

I walk into chemistry
class and scan the desks for Mischa. I spot him in the corner with his head
down scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. We haven’t talked much since the
night at my house. His mom got out of jail last week and they’ve been trying to
get the place cleaned up. Nonetheless, I don’t want things to get weird.

“Hey,” I tell him,
sitting down in the seat next to him.

He doesn’t look up and
continues to write. “Hey.”

“What are you doing?” I
look over his shoulder to see that he’s doing last night’s homework, the same
formulas that took me almost an hour to finish.

“Homework,” he mumbles.
“Give me just a moment.”

A few moments later, he
looks up. “Okay, what’s up?”

“Do you do that every
day?”

His brow scrunches up.
“Do what? My homework? Yeah, I don’t exactly have time to do it at home.”

“You’re amazing. I need
to get you to study with me sometime.”

“I don’t study,” he
spits out and closes his book.

“Oh.” His harsh tone
catches me off guard so I decide to change the subject. “Is Violet okay? She
coming back to school soon?”

“She’s fine. She had to
help mom clean up the house. The police completely trashed it. Plus mom is just
on one of her bingers and someone needs to stay at home and take care of her.”

“Do you think she’d
mind if I stopped by?”

Mischa shrugs. “Do I
look like my sister’s keeper?”

I struggle to swallow,
a lump catching in my throat. “Okay, I get it. Sorry I bothered you.”

One of the girls in our
class, Liz, walks up to us, her fingers twirling her hair. She looks me over
before deciding I’m not a threat.

“Mischa, you going to
prom?”

“No,” he says. He looks
over to me. “You going to prom, Cody?

“Umm…” I’m a little
confused as to why he’s asking. He’s a grade older so we each have a different
prom to attend. “No.”

Liz clears her throat
like I’m intruding on a personal conversation, even though I was sitting here
first.

“Mischa, I had fun the
other night.” She flips her hair over her shoulder.

“Did you now?” Mischa
doesn’t seem too interested, and that disinterest is not what she was
expecting.

What is she talking
about? Did they hook up?
My stomach
churns as I think about it. Jealousy, rage, and curiosity get the best of me.
Don’t
do this, Cody. He said no promises. You knew what you were getting into. Stop
acting like a lovesick puppy. Don’t get clingy.

Feeling like a third
wheel, I stand up and grab my backpack and walk over to my normal seat in the
back of the classroom. He obviously wants to act like an asshole after sleeping
with me. That’s his problem. I slouch down in my desk and stare holes into the
back of his head.

When he turns around to
look at me, I expect to see the same flat, annoyed expression he had earlier,
but his mood has changed. His eyes are remorseful as they meet mine.

“I’m sorry,” he mouths.

A smile twitches on my
face. I don’t want to forgive him that easily, but when he looks at me like
that, I can’t stay mad for long.

After school, I decide
to go check on Violet. She can’t be expected to look after her mom forever, and
if I know Violet, which I do, she needs out of that house. I put the car in
park and gather the courage to knock on her door. I walk through the unkempt
lawn, which hasn’t been mowed this year and houses five broken down cars, and
step on the porch. A cop car sits a little ways down the road, no doubt running
my plates. The door swings open before I even knock and Violet steps out in a
pair of oversized sweats. There are bags under her eyes, and her blonde hair is
up in a messy ponytail.

“Hey,” she mumbles. Her
eyes dart to the cop car and back to me.

“Hey, I wanted to know
how you are. How’s your family?”

 “Fine.”  

“Who’s home?” I look
behind her at the always messy and smoky living room

“Dad just got out on
bail. Mom’s sleeping, and Mischa is out with some girl.”

My heart stops, but I
try to keep a straight face. I shouldn’t be worried about him at a time like
this.

 “A girl?”

“Yeah, I don’t know who
she is. She came to pick him up right when he got home from school.”

I shrug and pretend not
to care. “When are you coming back to school?”

“Soon. The school
called today to inquire about my absence.”

I can hear her mom
yelling about something in the background. “I came over to see if you wanna
stay at my place this weekend. My parents are away.”

Her face lights up.
“I’d like that.”

“Well, pack your stuff
up and get in the car.”

She runs inside, and I
stroll back to my car.

I have to grip my
steering wheel to ease the shaking in my hands. Mischa is out with another
girl. I have no right to be upset. He gave me plenty of outs and told me he
couldn’t promise anything. It still hurts though. I guess some part of me
thought we’d connected on an emotional level. I’d hoped this would be the
stepping stone to a relationship.

A sharp knock on my
window makes me jump in my seat. I’m even more on edge when I look up and see a
cop standing there. I roll down my window and nervously look up.
Remember,
you’ve done nothing wrong.
I repeat this to myself as I fake a smile.

“How can I help you,
officer?”

“Can I see some ID?”
He’s older with salt and pepper hair and a stern, constipated-looking face. I
recognize him as the father of one of the girls at my school.

“May I ask why?”

“May I ask you why you
are at this residence? Do you live here?”

“You know I don’t live
here,” I snap as I pull open my purse and show him my driver’s license.

He glances at the ID
and bends down closer to the window. “Take my advice, Miss. This isn’t the type
of place you want to be hanging around.”

“I’m not hanging around
here. I’m picking up a friend.”

“I doubt your parents
would enjoy a call from me. I run into Doctor Lombardi a lot at the hospital,
and I know he’d hate for you to get in trouble round these parts.”

Is he threatening me?
Whatever, I don’t want this getting back to my father anyway. I start my
ignition and take my ID back from his hand. “Fine, I’m leaving.”

He leans over and looks
in my back seat. “You have anything illegal in the car?”

I give him a crooked
smile. “No, nothing that shouldn’t be.”

With a tip of his head,
he backs away. “Have a good day.”

By the time Violet
comes barreling from the house, the cop is back in his car.

“Can we do something
fun tonight?” she asks as soon as she’s buckled.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Any good
parties going on?”

I shake my head.
Nothing I feel like attending.

“Really?”

“Can’t we hang at my
place? My parents won’t be back until Monday. They’re attending a wedding in
the Hamptons.” I make air bunnies with my fingers and say “the Hamptons” in an
obnoxious voice.

“Party at your place!”
Violet screams.

I give up. She wants to
party, she’s had a bad few weeks, I’ll do this for her.

I toss her my cell
phone. “Make some calls then.”

Two hours later, a
bunch of us are in my backyard. They’re mostly friends of Violet’s, the rougher
kids at school, the ones who used to be too cool to talk to me at school until
I started hanging out with Violet.

 Some may say that the
popular crowd is hard to get into in high school, but there’s a club that’s
more elite than the preps. The crowd that tries too hard not to fit in. They
consist of the guys all the girls want, and all the girls who everyone secretly
wants to be. The kids who stand around at the lockers looking suave before
slipping into the back of the class just as the bell rings. The kids who know
where to get all the good drugs, throw the hippest parties, and barely talk to
anyone else, making them seem even more mysterious. That’s the crowd everyone
wants to get into and is every parent’s worst nightmare. Lucky for me, being
friends with Violet Cromwell gets me an expedited pass into that crowd, even if
they are sometimes immature and boring. I sit down and dip my feet into the
warm water while Violet dances on the diving board to some rock song. Sipping
on my munch punch, I salute Violet when she motions for me to come dance with
her.

“No thanks!” I yell.

She gives me a pouty
lip and walks over. “I’m thirsty. Is Mischa here with the beer yet?”

“Nope, look in the
fridge. I’m sure there’s juice or something.”

She walks to the little
cooler by the deck and begins rummaging around. Pulling out a pitcher of
something red, she sniffs it. “Cody, all you guys have is this red Kool-Aid.”

“So? Drink it. I’m sure
my parents won’t even notice it’s missing.”

She takes a sip and
makes a face. “Something is wrong with it. It’s not very…flavorful.”

“Well, you know my mom,
she’s always drinking that sugar-free crap. I bet it’s some miracle weight loss
drink or something.”

She fills a glass and
winks. “Mine now. I could stand to lose a few pounds.”

I snort in disgust. If
only I were as skinny as she is.

A few minutes later,
someone yells, “Beer’s here!”

Violet throws her hand
in the air and screams along with everyone else. The hairs on the back of my
neck stand on end as if someone is watching me.

I tilt my head up to
see Mischa’s face scowling down at me.

“Hey,” I say with a
flirty grin, trying to remain as casual as possible.

His eyes run over my
tiny bikini, but I can’t read his expression. It’s a little irritating. “Can
you get me some ice for the beer?” There’s a curt tone in his voice.

I stand and motion for
him to follow me to the garage where my parents keep the deep freezer and an
entire chest full of bagged ice. He follows me, a twenty-four pack in each
hand.

“This way,” I say,
motioning with my hand to the far corner of the room.

Still not saying a
word, he sets the beer down.

What am I supposed to
do? Do I mention the other week? Is he here with that girl?

The garage is gloomy,
but I can just make him out as he moves closer. I pretend to be looking for
something on the table as he approaches me from behind and runs his hands down
my arms.

“Cody…”

His voice cracks and
the sound of him moaning my name brings a heat between my legs.

Goosebumps appear
everywhere his hands have been. His lips travel across the back of my neck in a
soft and gentle manner.

“About the other week…”
he says.

Does he regret it? I
quickly save myself from embarrassment. “I know, we were both fucked up.”

“But it felt good,
right?”

I didn’t expect him to
say that so all I can do is nod.

“And you want me, right?”

I nod again.

“Then why does this
feel so wrong?”

We both know the
answer, but I’m the only one with the guts to say it. “Because I’m best friends
with Violet.”

He sighs as if I’ve
gotten it all wrong.

I spin around, and in
an instant he’s lifting me on top of the table. My hands are everywhere. On his
shoulder, in his hair, around his back. I’m exploring every inch of him because
who knows how long this will last. He’s no good, but I don’t care. All that
matters is right in front of me.