T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (13 page)

T
HAT
night, curled protectively around the Kid, I dream another dream.
I walk on the beach. The sky is blue and the water is blue and the sand
is blue. Not the blue of day, but the blue-black of the ocean at night.

Sometimes Otter walks with me, sometimes it’s my mom. They don’t say anything, so I don’t either. It’s okay, though; I don’t mind. I like walking on this midnight beach. I know nothing can hurt me here. I’ve fought for this place. It feels like the only fight I’ve ever known.

Otter disappears, and my mom is here in his place. She looks over at me curiously, and I hold out my hand to take hers, but she takes a step back and shakes her head. Then she’s gone, and it’s Otter standing next to me. I offer my hand again, and he refuses it, too, but steps closer to me. I feel his arm brush against mine. He points out to the water, and I start walking toward it, the waves crashing gently onto the beach. I follow him as he breaches the surf. My feet are wet and I stop. I try to call out to him, and I know he must hear me because he turns and holds out his hand, wanting me to be the one to take his
.
I hesitate, and he sees this, and then he’s gone, and it’s my mom again, wading the shallow waters, beckoning me to her. I take a step back.

And another.
And another.
Otter looks at me sadly. His eyes aren’t the bright green they should be,

but the brown of my mother’s. He hangs his head, and his hand drops to his side. He turns and walks farther out, beyond the break. I know I can’t sit and watch him drown, but I’m so afraid of drowning with him that I don’t follow. The water surrounds his shoulders, and still he moves farther out, and there’s a moment, a bright shining break in the night blue, and I run after him, like I always knew I’d do. The water splashes up around me, and it’s sticky and heavy, but I don’t care. I have to get to him. He hears me coming and turns, and I see his eyes are green again, so beautifully gold and green that I laugh in relief. The water pours into my open mouth, and I am sinking, I am drowning. The surface closes over the top of my head, and I’m gone, gone, gone.

5. Where Bear Learns Several Truths
“
Y
OU
guys arent even going to care that Im gone, are you?” Creed asks me and Anna.

I roll my eyes. “Creed, youre going to Portland for a week. I do without you for months at a time, so I think Ill be okay.” We are sitting outside on a bench at the grocery store. Anna and I are working but taking a smoke break, even though we dont smoke. The principle is the same.

“I wasnt just asking
you
,” he drawls. “Anna, youre gonna miss me, right?”
“I am already counting the seconds until your return,” she says dramatically, putting her wrist against her forehead. “I
pine
for your return, dear Creed.” She gets up, kissing both of us on the head, saying she has to get back before she gets in trouble. She tells Creed not to do anything stupid while hes gone.
Some of Creeds friends from Phoenix are coming up to Portland for a week. He invited us to go, but I dont dare take the time off of work, not while I am as ahead as Ive been on the bills in a while. As much as Id love to get the hell out of Seafare for a few days, theres no way the Kid would allow it, and it would be kind of a drag to bring him along. Creed had waved that off, saying Ty could use some debauchery. I had gotten this horrifying image in my head of taking him to a strip club and immediately said no. Besides, he was still in school for another couple of weeks.
I looked down at my watch. “I thought you would have been gone by now.”
He shrugs. “I had some time to kill, and I wanted to swing by real quick before I left. We havent had much of a chance to talk since the party.”
The Kids birthday had been a week and a half ago and during that time, I had not been back over to the house. I had begged off, saying I was working, that I was tired. However true, I didnt want to go back because of
him
. I couldnt get the image out of my head of him walking away from me, the unanswered question still hanging in the air, refusing to die. The dream, that black-blue ocean. I felt the best thing to do would be to put as much distance between Otter and myself as possible until he returned to San Diego. He made it perfectly clear that he doesnt need me, so Ive decided to give him what he wants. Things get weird when Im around him
I tap the wooden bench with my knuckles. “I told you,” I say. “Ive been busy.”
“Youre a bad liar, Bear,” Creed says with a grin on his face. “You always have been. I guess I shouldnt have forced you to talk to Otter, huh?”

“Is he still shut up in his room?” I ask, trying to sound bored.

“Yep. I think I see less of him now than I did before the party. Maybe it was a bad idea to send the Bear to maul him.”
“Keep that in mind next time, will you?” I say. “Ive already got one quasi-depressed person to look after. I dont need another one.”

He leans back on the bench. “I dont think well have to think about it much longer. Ive got a feeling hes going to be going back soon, anyways.”

My heart skips a beat, and I try not to notice. “What makes you say that?”
He glances at his watch. “Just a feeling, I guess. Call it „brotherly intuition. Hes not going to stick around much longer. He can go be depressed anywhere; why stick around here and do it in the rain?”
Good
, I think savagely.
Good. Go home, Otter. Go home and let me get back to whatever it was I had before you came. At least I was able to recognize myself then. At least I was able to feel right then. At least—
At least what, Bear?
it whispers, clearly amused.
At least you were able to go an hour without him occupying your every thought? At least you’d be able to forget that damning hurt you felt as he walked away from you? It’s so much easier to hate them when they leave, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

“Bear, for Gods sake, pay attention to me!” Creed says, punching me in the arm. “I swear youre worse than Otter sometimes.”
“Sorry,” I mumble.

“I gotta get going,” he says, standing. “Portland pussy is going to wait for no man.”
I grin. “I cant wait for the day when you tell me youve got the clap.”

He cocks his head to the side. “Thats what you cant wait for? Out of everything in the world,
that’s
what you cant wait for? Bear, thats just sad. And very, very mean of you. Just for that, if I do get the clap, I am going to pee in your mouth while you are sleeping, and then you can have the clap with me.” He starts grabbing his crotch and moaning, and I laugh and try to get away, but he presses me up against the wall. An old couple walks out of the store and stares at us. He waves at them and says, “Its okay. Were gay. This is my life partner, Greg.”

I wince and push him off of me. “Creed, you asshole,” I hiss as the old people walk away, shooting dirty looks at us over their shoulders. “Dont say that kind of shit at my work!”

He sticks his tongue out at me. “Its not like I used your real name,
honey.
”

“Jerk,” I grumble.
“Yeah, you love me. Anyways, Im outs. Ill call you when I get there to rub it in how much fun Im having without you.” He pats me companionably on the back and starts walking away from me. I turn to head inside when he says, “Do me a favor, though?”
I nod.
“Check in on Otter for me at least once? I dont want to have to come home and find out he went all emo and cut himself.” I start to protest, and he drops to his knees and starts screaming in a high-pitched voice, “Pleeeeeeeeeeease, Greg? Pleeeeeeeaase?” I look around, panicky, and tell him fine, to just go away.
“Later, Papa Bear,” he says, and when I turn around again, hes gone.

L
ATER
, Anna and I are spread out on the couch, matching looks of horror on our face while Ty sighs raptly at the TV. Apparently, as part of his birthday present to the Kid, Creed had gotten him the documentary on PETA that Ty had been dying to see. How hed gotten it past me when I was bringing all his loot home was beyond me, until he told me that Uncle Creed made him promise to hide it until he could sit down and watch it with me. Im going to
kill
Creed when he comes home. The movie isnt about just the normal PETA people, no. Its about
hardcore
PETA people. This is some pretty disturbing shit.

“Look at him,” Anna whispers against my chest. “Hes going to be such a hippie when he grows up.”
“Not if I can help it,” I rumble back. “I swear to God, the first time the Kid ends up in jail for freeing a monkey, Creed is going to be the one bailing him out.”
Anna and I try to smother our laughter, but the Kid hears us and shoots us a dirty look. We immediately stop laughing. Theres nothing like being admonished by a nine-year-old ecoterrorist in training. After two excruciating hours, the movie ends, and I tell Ty its time for bed. I can tell he hears me, but instead of getting up and doing what I asked, he turns over on his back and stares up at the ceiling, his face scrunched in such a way that I know hes got something serious on his mind. Anna sees it, too, and knows that we need to wait for the Kid to speak first. Forcing it out of him never works.
“Derrick?” he finally asks.

“Whats up, Kid?”

He sits up and stares up at us and cocks his head to the side. His demeanor suggests that hes thought about this for a while and is finally

ready to ask whatever it is hes been dwelling on. Im reminded of his question about love a couple of weeks ago, when we went to pick up Creed from the airport. Sometimes its refreshing not to know what someone is going to say.

“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Is Otter gay?”
Sometimes its refreshing; other times….

My breath hitches in my chest.
What the fuck?
I think.
Where the hell did he hear that? And why am I stuck with the only nine-year-old in the world who
would
ask a question like that? Kids aren’t supposed to be asking shit that I don’t know how to answer!

Anna evidently knows I am having trouble responding to the inquiry and puzzles, “Why do you ask that, Ty?”

“Its just something Ive been thinking about,” he says honestly. “Is that bad?”
She shakes her head. “Of course its not bad to ask questions, Kid. You can ask anything you want. Itll be up to Papa Bear, though, to decide if youre ready to learn whatever it is youre thinking about. Okay?”

He nods and looks back at me, and I curse Anna in my head. She has made it quite clear that she will not be the one to divulge this, that she will not be the one to affirm. She has left it on me, and I begin to question her motives. Anna sits up and folds her legs underneath her. She looks down at her hands as she waits for me to answer. Sighing, I sit up, too, and slide down from the couch to sit in front of Ty. “Whered you hear this?” I ask him.

He shrugs. “Just one day when I was at Uncle Creeds house.” His eyes go wide as if hed suddenly just thought of something. “I wasnt eavesdropping or anything,” the Kid says quickly.

 

“I didnt think you were, Kid,” I say. “I just wanted to know if someone told you or if you accidentally overheard it.”

He grins appreciatively at me. “I accidentally overheard Uncle Creed ask Otter about his boyfriend. Otter got mad and told him to shut up.” He pauses for a moment, as if considering. “Why would Otter be mad about that? Did something bad happen?”

“Honestly, Kid? I dont know,” I say slowly, as I know that Anna is listening to my each and every word too. When Id come back into the house the night of the Kids party, Otter had already gone up to his room and shut the door. Anna and Creed had immediately interrogated me, wanting a play-by-play of
When Bear Attacks
. I wouldnt answer any of their questions directly, much to their chagrin. I told myself that it wasnt my place to say anything, not that I had been told much. I knew I was a liar.

“I thought if you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend,” Ty says wisely, “that you were supposed to be happy and want to talk about them. I dont think Otters boyfriend must have been very nice if he got mad at Uncle Creed just for asking.”

Anna laughs lightly. “Just because you have someone, Ty, doesnt mean you are going to be happy all the time. Sometimes you fight, or the person does something dumb and makes you mad.”

“Like Bear did when he said your nose looked flat?” Ty says, a thoughtful look on his face. I groan as Anna smacks me in the back of the head.

“Yes, Ty,
just
like that,” she says. “Sometimes, people can be a little bit inconsiderate.”

“Or,” I tell him, “sometimes people can be oversensitive and take things the wrong way even if you didnt mean it like that. Usually its girls, and its usually because theyre being hormonal.”

“Whats hormonal?” Ty asks as Anna scowls at me.
I shake my head. “Lets not talk about that right now.”
“So Otters gay?” the Kid says, redirecting the topic.
“Yes,” Anna says. “And thats not a bad thing because it doesnt change

who he is.”

He looks surprised at her. “Who said it was a bad thing?” he asks, honestly baffled.
Anna ruffles his hair. “No one important. Just as long as you know its not a bad thing and that Otter loves you, then everything is alright.” The Kid looks at me. “Do you think its a bad thing, Bear?” “No,” I say. “Of course not. People can love who they want.”
“Then why were you and Otter fighting that night he left a long time ago?”
I hear the words come out of his mouth. I understand them individually but I dont get them as a whole. I feel the smile on my face slide off slowly. Once again, my little brother has struck me speechless. I know hes waiting for me to answer him, but all I can think of is how I could have been so stupid to the fact that he sees and hears everything.
“Thats not what they were arguing about,” Anna says before I could speak. I can hear the edge in her voice. My silence might as well be a confession of my sins. Ive been so dumbstruck by his words that Ive forgotten shes in the room. Warning bells start clamoring in my head, and I dont want this conversation to continue.
“What were they fighting about, then?” Ty asks Anna, and if I was that kind of person, I would strangle him right now.
“I dont know,” Anna says evenly. “Bear? Ty wants to know what you and Otter were fighting about. You should tell him.”
Oh this is goooood
, that voice whispers in my head.
What are you going to say now, Bear? Are you going to coat it with sweet nothings? I mean, how hard could it be to convince the Kid he was dreaming? This could all go away so very, very easily. Or… or are you for once in your miserable life going to be able to tell the truth?
It laughs.
Are you going to be able to say how scared you were because you knew Otter was going to leave but that he was giving it up because of you? Are you going to be able to say that behind that righteous anger you so brilliantly portrayed that you felt some sense of relief? Why
did
you feel reprieved then? Why, Bear, why? Whyyyyyyyyyy….
Shut UP!
“Bear?” Anna says, all steel and knives. Ty hears it, too, and looks at her with concern on his face and then back at me. “Bear?” she says again. “Hes waiting.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Say SOMETHING!
I scream at myself.
Yeah, Bear
, it mocks.
Say something.
“I was mad at Otter,” I tell Ty quietly.
“Because hes gay?” he asks me, just as soft.
I shake my head. “I was mad because… I thought he was staying here just because of us, and I didnt think that was fair to him.”