T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (11 page)

Creed sounded exasperated. “Bear, did you hear what I just said?
Otter’s gay.
”
“I heard you,” I said, sounding annoyed.

“And all you have to say about it is „oh? What the hell?”
“What do you expect me to say?”

“I dont know. Whatever. I think that Otter was seeing someone and something happened last night, and they broke up or something. Thats why he came home all sad and retarded, and then he left. Has he said anything to you about some guy or something? When was the last time you talked to him?”

“A couple of days ago, when he called to talk to Ty,” I lied and in my head I felt Otters lips upon mine again. “Ive never heard him mention anyone before.”

“Well, shit. But Ty! What the hell is this going to do to him?”

“I dont know,” I said, suddenly angrier than the situation should have warranted. And if I was being honest with myself, the anger I felt at my mother leaving didnt even compare to Otters exit. Hed made a promise to Ty to stay here and help him. Otter had promised
me
. Did my kissing him really screw him up so bad that he had to leave? Did he really feel the need then to give the Kid another reason to not trust anyone ever again?
You son of a bitch
, I thought.
You goddamn son of a bitch.

“Dude, Im coming over. I cant deal with this shit here right now. My mom is crying and my dad is pissed off, and I really should be there when you tell him so he can hear it from me too.”

 

“Okay,” I said through gritted teeth, and I closed the phone. My headache was even worse. My hands shook with anger.

 

I got up and closed the bedroom door and got back into my bed.
I’m sorry
, hed said in what I thought had been a dream.
I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day.

 

Burying my face into the pillow so Ty wouldnt see my face, I started to drown.

W
E TOLD
Ty, and of course it broke his heart, and he didnt understand why Otter had left. We told him it was nothing he had done, but Ty was past any kind of consolation by then. After that, Ty changed. He began to ask me for exact times when I would be back from work or wherever I went. If I was going to be late, I needed to call him and let him know. The bathroom thing started that I told you about earlier, where I would be expected to stand in the same spot that I was in when he went in. In short, he stopped trusting everyone.

We had good days, and we had bad days, and there were also days when it felt like we lived above a fault line because everything would seem to shake apart at the seams. That bathtub saw a lot of use between Ty and myself, just sitting in there, trying to calm ourselves down. One night, after a particularly bad day, I got stuck behind an accident on my way home from work. Thats also when my cell phone battery just happened to run out. You know, the basic perfect storm. Needless to say, I got home twenty minutes late. The Kid was already in full freak-out mode by that point, and it took me five hours to finally get him calm enough to take a breath. I put the phone charger in my car the next day and have never taken it out.

During the next year and a half, Creed would give me updates as he would talk to Otter every now and then. I never asked for them, but I was told anyway. Apparently he was doing really well with the new studio he was working in and becoming quite renowned for his photography. I felt bitter for a while, and then I just stopped feeling anything. Otter tried calling me a few times, but I didnt pick up the phone, and he didnt leave any messages. Ty would talk to him every now and then when he was with Creed or Anna. I never asked him what they talked about, and he never told me.

I never told anyone about the loneliness that seemed to be clawing at my insides. I thought it weird, at least at first, that I would even have any
time
to feel lonely. But there were nights, long after Tyson had fallen asleep, when there was nothing to do until it again became light outside, that I wrestled with this gaping hole that had been torn open inside of me. I knew I couldnt fully blame Otter for this; after all, my mom was the one who started it all. But I couldnt help but lump them in the same category: People I Depended On Who Fucked Me Over. I figured the sooner I put them behind me, the easier it would be.

It almost worked.

I didnt see Otter again for eighteen months. I thought I was okay with it. But when he showed up out of the blue, the wound reopened and started bleeding anew, and it was like everything was crashing down all over again.

The Kid and I went to the Thompsons for Christmas Day like we had done the year before. We were all sitting in the living room, watching as Ty opened the mounds of presents that Creeds parents had given him. We were all laughing as the Kids smile got wider and wider with each present. I was thirsty and offered to get everyone something to drink. Mrs. Thompson offered to help, but I shook my head and said I would take care of it.

I was in the kitchen when the door opened and in he strode, his hair slightly longer, his frame slightly thinner, but still grinning that crooked smile. He looked around the kitchen, and then his eyes fell on me, and he dropped the bag he was carrying, and without a word he moved quickly across the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. It all happened so quickly that I was sure I had hallucinated the whole thing until I realized that he still
smelled
like Otter. I put my arms up to hug him back but remembered the last time I had held him so: his mouth had been pressed against mine, my body made of live wires.

I pulled away and walked out into the living room, but not before I saw the hurt in his eyes.

He stayed for a week. I let Ty see him but always made it so Anna or Creed picked the Kid up from our house and took him over. I never saw him the rest of the time he was there. I didnt trust myself around him. He never made any attempts to get in touch with me that I know of while he was there, save one. Ty had come home on New Years Day after I got out of work, desperately needing the time and a half for working the holiday. The Kid had spent the day with Creed and Otter over at their house. Ty said that Otter had dropped him off and then left, going back to San Diego. My heart and head felt heavy, but there was nothing I could have done about it. I wanted to talk to Anna, to hear another voice, and realized Id left my phone in the car. I told Ty I would be right back, after reassuring him it would only take a minute.

I walked toward my car, thinking about how good it felt that Otter was gone again, a weight lifted from my shoulders. It took convincing, but I was almost able to believe it. I got closer to my car and saw a piece of paper stuck under a windshield wiper. Thinking it was a flyer for a restaurant, I picked it up and was about to crumple it in my hands when I saw familiar handwriting:

I know you were hurt and have every reason to be angry, but just know that there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about you and Ty. Maybe that’s my punishment, knowing you are doing well and knowing I had nothing to do with it. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, for having done so great despite people breaking their promises to you.

It was good to see you, even if it was only for a moment. I am glad I got at least that. I’ve missed you, Papa Bear.

 

It wasnt signed, but it didnt need to be. I folded it gently and put it in my wallet.

 

“
W
HY
are you here?” I moan. “Why did you come back?”

He grabs me by the chin, forcing me to stare into his eyes. “It has nothing to do with what happened between us. As far as I am concerned, that was a mistake. We never should have kissed.”

I attempt to squirm away, but its halfhearted. I try not to look at him, but he still holds me by the chin. There are still gold flecks in his green eyes. “Is that why you left?” I say, trying to smooth out my voice. “Because of…
that
?”

He shakes his head. “It wasnt just that, Bear.” He lets go of me and takes a step back. “There were a lot of things that were going on, and I didnt know what else to do.” He looks at me, his eyes pleading. “You have to believe me when I say that if I could go back and do things differently, I would.”

“Three years,” I retort.

His jaw tightens. “I know. You dont have to remind me. Its just that,” he starts but then stops, appearing to think over what to say next. “I know this is going to sound stupid, but I thought that I was influencing you somehow, and I didnt think that it was fair. I didnt think you needed that on top of everything else. Im not trying to make excuses, just trying to make you understand.”

“What do you mean, influencing me?”

He grimaces. “Bear, I was just coming out myself. My parents werent taking it well and then the whole thing with your mom…. You needed people who were going to be able to be strong for you. I thought I could do that. But then that night happened, and I realized just how really weak I was. You were drunk and hurting and needing a friend, and then we kissed, and I realized I couldnt be the stronger one. I thought that I was somehow pushing myself onto you, and that it was… I dont know, Bear. I thought putting distance between us was the best thing to do at the time.” He looks miserable. “Is any of this making sense?” he asks me.

“Im not gay, Otter. I dont care if you are, but Im not.”
He hangs his head. “I know, Bear. Im okay with that.”
“How long are you staying for?”
He wont look at me. “I dont know,” he says. “For now.” “Whyd you come back?”
He shakes his head. “I dont want to talk about that now. Maybe later,

okay?”
“Is there even going to be a later, Otter? Or are you just going to sneak
away again with your tail between your legs?” Its a cheap shot and I know
it, but Im still angry and cant help myself. I want the words to burn. He winces. “Ill be sure to tell you.”

“You do that.” I pause, considering. “And just so you know, this doesnt forgive anything. Youve got a lot of ground to make up. With Ty, I mean.” “I know,” he says, finally looking me in the eye.

I walk past him back to the Jeep. The ice cream isnt as melted as I thought it would be, and I look at my watch and see that we only have a few minutes before Ty would start worrying. I turn to tell Otter to get his ass in gear, but hes already getting into the car. I glance over at him and see the letter from my wallet is on his seat. I reach and snatch it back before he can sit on it. Knowing hes watching me curiously, I fold it back up and put it back in its place in my wallet.

“Bear?” he says, the
tick-tick-tick
of the rain beating in time on the roof. I stare out the window. Suddenly, I feel very tired. “What?” “Whyd you keep that?”
“What?”
“You know.”
“The letter you wrote me?”
“Yeah.”
Because it was the only piece of you I had left
, I think. “I dont know,” I say out loud.
Liar
, it whispers.

4. Where Bear Throws a Party
W
E DON
T
speak the entire way back. As soon as we get back to the house,

Otter says hes tired and is going to bed. He gives Ty a hug and tells him he will see him very soon. He says good night to Creed, who is putting the Kids ice cream in a bowl for him. He doesnt say anything to me. This does not go unnoticed by Creed. He hands Ty his food and sends him to go watch
The Bovine Holocaust
or whatever its called.

“So I take it you let him have it,” he says, sounding amused. “What do you mean?” I ask wearily.
“Well, lets see. You were gone for almost an hour in what should have

been a five-minute trip. You both looked like hell when you came back. And just now, Otter didnt even look at you before he went upstairs.” He grins. “So come on, tell me. You chewed him out for being such a douche bag and moving to San Diego. Right? Please tell me you recorded it. I bet you were absolutely
terrifying
.”

I laugh, despite trying not to. “Something like that.”
“So, whyd he do it?”
“Do what?”

Creed looks at me like Im retarded. “Whyd he leave? Ive never believed him when he said it was because he couldnt handle Mom and Dad anymore. He must have said something to you.”

You needed people who were going to be able to be strong for you. I thought I could do that. But then that night happened, and I realized just how really weak I was. You were drunk and hurting and needing a friend, and then we kissed, and I realized I couldn’t be the stronger one. I thought that I was somehow pushing myself onto you, and that it was… I don’t know, Bear. I thought putting distance between us was the best thing to do at the time.

“Well?” Creed asks, making a face at the taste of Tys soy ice cream. “No,” I lie. “He didnt really say anything at all.”
“A
WHAT
?” I say to Creed a few days later. He and Anna are sitting at the

kitchen table in my apartment. Were trying to put the finishing touches on the Kids surprise birthday party, which is two days away. I read at some parenting website that when you throw a party for kids, you are supposed to give out bags of crappy toys and Tootsie Rolls, so I enlisted their help to help me put it all together after we raided the dollar store near the beach. I dont know why kids need more cheap plastic toys and candy, but who I am to argue with the Internet. “Youve got to be joking!”

“What?” Creed says, looking slightly offended. “I heard hes really good with kids. Our next-door neighbors used him at a party they had.” He looks at Anna for help, but shes looking as horrified as I feel.

I groan. “We are not getting a fucking
clown
for Tys party. How could you even suggest that? Dont you remember when we watched
It
when we were his age?

He grins. “We stayed up until dawn in the sofa fort we built in Otters room. You were such a pussy!”

Anna laughs. “From what I remember, the fort was your idea, and you could never see a clown again without screaming.”
Creed waves his hand dismissively. “I was
nine
. And that clown ate people.”
“I dont know,” I say. “Isnt there something a little off about grown men who dress up like clowns and go to birthday parties? Its seems like something youd see on
To Catch a Predator.
I dont know if I want this birthday party to end up on TV. I dont think the parents would appreciate it.”
He sighs. “Fine. When this party starts to suck, and the Kid is embarrassed because hes having the worst time ever, dont come crying to me when he tells you he wants to come live at my house.”
I snort. “If he says that, you can have him.”
Creed picks up a ring pop and shoves it into a
Scooby Doo
bag. Then his eyes light up. “We could have Otter do it!”
Anna throws a dollar-store toy, and it bounces off his head. “That would be even worse! Besides, Otter would never dress up like a clown. He has at least a little dignity, right?”
Creed scowls. “Hardly. All he does now is mope like a goddamn teenage girl. Anytime Im home, hes in his room with the door locked. Im telling you guys, he got worked over really bad in San Diego. I thought the whole point of having a gay brother was that they were supposed to be all cool and shit. Ive got a defective gay.”
“Didnt he have a boyfriend or something?” Anna asks. “I thought he lived with someone.”
“He did,” Creed says. “Jacob or Josh or something like that. He mentioned him a few times. He tells me to mind my own business every time I ask about it now. Naturally, I keep pushing. Hes bound to crack sometime.”
“Im sure if he wanted to talk about it, he would,” Anna admonishes. “Just leave him alone, and hell come around.”
“He better,” Creed warns. “Sad fags are boring fags.”
“Dont say fag,” Anna tells him. “Its rude.”
He rolls his eyes as he shoves a Jolly Rancher in his mouth. “Hes
my
brother. Besides, you know what they call us?”
“What?”
He leans forward and whispers, “
Breeders
.”
“Creed,” I say, “youre a moron.”
“Yeah, what can you do? But seriously, Josh or Jacob messed him up. You guys break up all the time, and you dont pout.”
“Just because youve never had anything long-term in your life, doesnt mean you can take it out on those that do,” Anna snaps at him.
He scoffs. “I could if I wanted to. But do you know how many easy girls there are at ASU? And thats just on my
street
.”
“Youre a pig, Creed.”
He smirks at her. “You love it.” He glances at me casually. “Why dont you talk to Otter?”
“About what?” I mutter, trying to tie a rubber band around a finished party bag.
“You know, about his problems and stuff. For some reason, hed always listen to you even though your advice was less than stellar.”
The rubber band breaks and snaps against my fingers. Rubbing them, I glare at Creed. “„Less than stellar? I give great advice.”
“You told me that girls like it when we were mean to them!”
“We were in the third grade! And I didnt tell you to kick Suzy March in the stomach!”
He laughs. “It worked, didnt it? Six years later she took my budding flower.”
“Creed!” Anna screeches as I laugh.
He smiles and looks like Otter. “Well?” he asks me.
“Well, what?”
“Talk to Otter for me. You havent even seen him since you yelled at him.”
Anna looks at me funny. “When did you yell at Otter?”
“I didnt,” I growl, even though I sort of did. “Creed has it in his head that I told Otter off the night you saw him.” Another rubber band breaks, and I throw it down on the table.
“Did you?” Anna asks.
“No!” I almost shout.
“Whatever,” Creed says. “Anna, you should have seen the way Otter looked when they got back. I swear to God, Otter was about to cry, and Bear looked all pissed off. I dont know why nobody tells me anything anymore.”
“Why tell you when you automatically know anyways?” I retort.
Anna looks at me and then back at Creed. “Would you go get the rest of the stuff from my car?” she asks him. He groans and holds his hands out for the keys. She hands them to him.
“Talk to him, Bear,” he calls out over his shoulder as he heads for the door. “Someone has to, and its evidently not going to be me. Who else is there besides you?”
Why doesn’t he just call Josh or Jacob?
I think darkly before I can stop myself.
I’m sure he can talk to
him
just fine.
“Bear?” Anna says softly.
“What?”
“Why are you so pissed off?”
“Im not,” I mutter.
“Thats like the sixth rubber band youve broken in two minutes.”
“Theyre shitty rubber bands.”
“What did you say to him?”
I sigh. “I didnt say
anything
to him.”
“What did he say to you, then?”
“Nothing, Anna. Cant we just leave it alone?”
She reaches out and puts her hand on mine. Only when she does this do I see how badly I am shaking. She has to notice. “Hes our friend, Bear. I know he kind of messed up by leaving, but hes our friend. Creeds right: you should talk to him.”
“Why me?” I say, pulling my hands out from underneath hers. “What would I say thats any different than what youd say?”
Anna looks at me pointedly. “Because he listens to you. He always has.”
“Bullshit he does. Hes always done whatever he wants to.”
She sits back in the chair. “You know thats not true.”
“Then whyd he leave?” I say, more harshly than I mean to. I feel a bead of sweat drip down the back of my neck.
Get a grip!
I warn myself.
Why’d he leave?
the voice whispers.
You told him to! Tell her, Bear. I’m sure Anna would have a wonderful insight into the matter, what with her semester of Psych. Maybe she could even tell you why you’ve never been able to erase that kiss from your mind. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Anna begins to fill another bag. “Ive been thinking about that again. I think Creeds right when he said that theres more to it than we know. The Otter I know wouldnt have let his parents affect him too badly. He could have just moved out. Creed said hed already turned down that job after he heard about your mom, but two weeks later hes gone? There has to be something else.”
I dont answer her.
“Bear?” she asks. I look at her, trying to keep a mask on. She must see something shifting below the surface, because she hesitates. I think thats a good thing, until she opens her mouth anyway, and I feel a low panic bubble right below the surface. “Did you see Otter before he left?”
My mouth is dry. “What do you mean?” I say quickly. “We all saw him all the time before he left.”
“Thats not what I meant. Its something Ty… told me after he left. I didnt think much of it because of everything else that was going on but….”
“Whatd he say?” I asked, not wanting her to answer.
She appears to choose her words carefully before she speaks. “He said… he said that the night before Otter left, he was at your house. He said he could hear you guys arguing. I thought he must have been dreaming or something because youd said you hadnt seen him that night.”
“When did he say this?”
And why didn’t I know?
“I was babysitting him while you were at work, and I asked him if he wanted me to call Otter to say hi. He said no because he knew you were mad at him. He said that Otter wasnt going to come home again because you didnt want him to.”
“I….” I dont know how to finish.
Theres a beat, a pause, an infinite moment, then, “Bear, did Otter ever try and flirt with you?”
“What?” I say, incredulous. “Of course not! He knows Im….” My voice trails off weakly.
“He knows youre what, Bear?” she asks gently.
“He knows that Im not like that!” I say forcefully. “Its not my fault he left!”
Anna winces. “Thats not what I meant, Bear. Its not your fault or Tys. Its his. I just didnt know if you knew more than you were saying.”
“Why would I lie, Anna?” I scowl.
“Im not saying you are. I just… think Creed is right. I think something else happened.”
“Why dont you ask Otter, then? It seems like if he had a problem, people should be asking
him
what it was, not me.”
“I did ask him.”
Oh God.
“And?”
She plays with a ring on her finger. “He said that he just needed to get away.”
I get up and go to the fridge, pretending to be thirsty but really hiding the relief that spreads across my face. “There you go,” I tell her, closing my eyes against the cold air flowing from the fridge. I want to crawl inside and shut the door. “What more do you want him to say?”
“I dont know, Bear!” she says, sounding annoyed. “I want him to feel like he can tell us anything. Theres no reason he had to go through it alone, especially when you needed him to be there.”
I grit my teeth. “I didnt need him for anything.” I grab a can of soda and close the fridge and walk over to the counter, pulling down a glass from the cabinet.
I feel her arms wrap around me, and she lays her head on my back. I try not to tense, but I cant help it. She rubs my stomach underneath my shirt. She laughs quietly into my back. “Same old Papa Bear.”
“Yeah, same old me.” I turn and kiss her on the forehead, and I can feel her smiling into my neck.
Maybe now she’ll drop it.
“He did say one other thing,” she says, and I freeze.
“Oh?” I choke out.
“He said that hed thought hed lost his only chance to be happy. He refused to explain it any further. I wonder what he meant by that.”
On the outside, I am flustered. On the outside, I am at a loss for words.
But on the inside, isn’t there something? Something… I can’t quite put a finger on? His only chance? He can’t have meant….
No matter how hard I try, I cant finish the thought. Its in a dark place, a hidden place, and I dont have the energy to go looking for it. I feel an odd mix of dread surrounding a warmth growing in my stomach. It has a name, but I wont be the one to name it.
His only chance?
I hear Creed crashing in through the doorway. “Bear! Bear!”
“What?” I call back, relieved by the distraction.
He runs into the kitchen, a panicked look on his face. “Ty just got off the bus!”
“Oh shit,” I mutter and run to the table, starting to shove all the party toys and decorations into the bags they came in. Creed and Anna are laughing as we throw everything into my moms old room, but I see that Anna glances at me curiously every now and then. I wonder if its because she realizes Id never actually answered her question. Id never actually denied having seen Otter before he left.
He said that he’d thought he’d lost his only chance to be happy.
What had he meant by that?