Thrive (20 page)

{ 31 }

0 years : 08 months

April

LILY CALLOWAY

Nononono.

I peer at the camera in Ryke’s hands, already emotionally
drained with Lo. I wish we could rewind, go back to the couch with our comic
books and pretend like this was all a nightmare.

Instead, Ryke hits the “play” button on the camera.
Oh my God.
My eyes widen. Lo and I are
in the bookstore—the day that people, in general, started to freak me out. I
watch myself drag Lo into the bathroom and then shut the door closed on the
camera.

Anxious heat builds across my skin. In the video, I say,
“Can I give you a blow job?”

I can explain.
My
hand shoots in the air, about to gush forth all the excuses that are
surprisingly truths. “I was having a bad day,” I start.

“Shhh,” Lo says, frowning and really
glaring
at the camera. I’m sure that look is meant for Scott. And
as we just watch the door in the video, sound effects start playing…of
moaning
and male groaning. They never
showed how Lo rejected my request? Or how I took it back too? My frown deepens.

“What is this?” Lo asks, his hand slipping in mine before I
have a chance to bite my fingernails. “Is this some kind of fucked up joke?”

“You tell us,” Ryke refutes. “You’re fucking in a public
bathroom in the middle of the afternoon.”

My stomach sinks. Is this how they’d react if they knew
we’ve done
that
many times before the
cameras started invading our personal space?

“N
ooo
,” Lo says
the word slowly. “We didn’t fuck in the bathroom. We don’t fuck anywhere but
our bedroom.” I shut up because I’m a worse liar than him. This is fact.
“Someone must have tampered with the video.”

“So you didn’t ask to give Loren a blow job?” Rose questions
me, her hands set on her hips.

“I…” My elbows are roasting. “I did do that…” I mutter.

“And then I told her no,” Lo adds. We’re not lying about
this—that’s the weird thing.

“What were you actually doing for thirty minutes in the
bathroom?” Connor asks casually.

I relax a little, not feeling as defensive with him.

Lo says, “I was giving Lily a pep talk.”

“I needed one,” I say. I smile at Lo, and he rubs my back.
Then I remember my earlier declaration. I never believed that he could start
lying to me after rehab. And I take one step away from him, his hand falling
from mine. “We’re still in a fight.”

His throat bobs. “I’m going to start taking Antabuse again,
Lil.”

“Good,” I say with a nod. I ache to step into his arms, for
him to hold me and for me to hold him. Nowhere feels better than in his
embrace. But I have to do what’s best for him. No enabling. So I can hold out
for a day or so. I turn to Ryke. “Fast-forward to the end. When we come out of
the bathroom, I know I’ll look disappointed.”

Ryke speeds up the footage, and when he presses play, I
watch myself exit the bathroom, my fingers laced with Lo’s. My hair is
perfectly flattened, but my lips are just slightly curved downwards. “Ah-ha!” I
point at the camera. “I look
so
upset.”

Rose nears the screen with disbelief. I expect her
expression to flood with realization. It doesn’t change.

“That’s you disappointed?” Ryke asks. “You’re sweating and
your face is red.”

“It was hot in the bathroom,” I defend.

“It was,” Lo agrees but his voice is soft. He knows that we
have no evidence in our favor. They just have to trust us. Maybe they
shouldn’t. We are lying to them on one account.

“Are they going to air this?” I ask.

“Probably,” Connor says, “but it helps promote your
wedding.”
The wedding.
I internally
shrink. “The bad edit would be you slipping into the bathroom with another
guy.”

“We’re just concerned about your health,” Rose says.

I wish, so badly, they could just believe I’m doing okay.
But only Lo truly sees my progress. He’s the one wrapped so closely with my sex
addiction. The others just see glimpses here and there, and the bad times seem
to stick out far more than the good.

“I didn’t have sex, Rose,” I tell her, desperately hoping
she accepts this truth. “I’m doing better. I mean, I shouldn’t have asked Lo
that…that question. But besides that, I’m doing better.”

I can go a day without sex, no crippling anxiety or fear
attached. Sure, sometimes I cling onto Lo more than I should. But it’s an
everyday fight.

I don’t know how to show them what I feel.

Lo reaches down and his fingers brush against mine, silently
asking if he can hold my hand.

I stare into his amber eyes that express a thousand regrets.
He’s beating himself up about the pills more than I ever could. This video is
no one’s fault…but maybe Scott Van Wright’s.

I squeeze his fingers, and he laces them with mine.

“I thought you were in a fight,” Ryke says to us.

“We are,” I say softly, not taking my eyes off his.
No one is going to hurt us:
I read in
his gaze.
No one is going to pull us
apart.

Not Scott.

Not my sister.

Not his brother.

If someone sinks us, it’ll be ourselves. That, I’m sure of.

{ 32 }

0 years : 08 months

April

LOREN HALE

I stand rigid like marble at the base of the
staircase. The living room television is turned on, playing a rerun of
Princesses of Philly
. The episode
revolves around the Alps trip where we all played party games and had to endure
Julian as well as Scott.
 

Rose sits on the couch, her computer on her lap and her eyes
flitting to the television. She doesn’t notice me lingering.

“Haven’t you already seen this episode?” I ask. She doesn’t
turn around to acknowledge my presence, which pounds another ounce of remorse
into me. I haven’t confronted her about what I did after they accused me of
drinking. Apologies infiltrate my head. But I always relate “sorry” to a plea
for forgiveness. And I don’t know if I want her to forgive me.

Silence hangs in the air and I let out a long breath. Maybe
I should just say it anyway. Because I am sorry. I do mean the words.

Before I can open my mouth once more, she finally answers my
earlier question, “I’m making a list of how much screen time each Calloway
Couture piece has, who wears the garment, and then I’m cross-matching the
numbers with sales.”
 

“How’s it going?” I wonder.

“Surprisingly, the clothes that Lily wears have the most
sales, but she also has the most air time, so that’s probably a factor,” Rose
tells me.

My eyes lift to the TV, and I see Julian rolling his eyes
and taking a sip of beer. Even his virtual presence causes my nerves to fire
and my skin to crawl. And yet, I still tolerate him. Is that something we do
for the people we care about?

“How can you stand to be around me?” I suddenly ask what’s
been plaguing my mind.

Rose shifts in her seat to look over the couch, her gaze
meeting mine.

“What do you mean?”

“You hate me,” I say, “but you put up with me for Lily. It
must be hard, right?” I’m no easier to be around than this guy. That’s the sad
truth that tears at me.

She reads between all the lines, her eyes flitting to the
screen and then back to me. “You’re not Julian,” she says like I’m an idiot.
“You don’t even come close.”

“I made you cry,” I say, my voice hollow. In her bedroom. I
pushed all of her buttons on purpose.

“I forgive you,” she says easily.

“How?”

She’s not soft. She sits up straight with barriers hundreds
of feet tall. “Because I know you’ll never forgive yourself,” she says. “Your
guilt is punishment enough, don’t you think?”

Maybe. I don’t know. But I do think she knows me too well.

“Anyway, Daisy doesn’t even like Julian. She’s only with him
because she’s too scared to dump him and hurt his feelings. We all have a right
to dislike him if we collectively know the relationship is doomed.” She pauses.
“But you and Lily—you two love each other. It’s not that difficult to put my
feelings aside when I can see how happy you make her.”

Her honesty surprises me, and I know, in this moment, I have
to reciprocate it. She deserves that at least.

“Regardless…” I say.
I’m
sorry, Rose
. The words stay trapped in the back of my throat.

Still, she nods in understanding. “As long as you keep my
sister safe, we’ll be even.”

It’s not even a fair price to pay because I’d do that no
matter what. But I take it.
 

I’m about to turn around and head back up the stairs when
she says, “I hope you know that I’m not mean to you because you’re a guy…” She
lets out a deep, strained breath.

I overheard Connor yesterday trying to console Rose about
the comments online. The ones that call her a misandrist. She was crying. I
never thought she would take offense to anything, but they chinked her iron
wall. I figure the topic has been on her mind lately.

“It’s just…” she tries again. “…I don’t hate men.” Her
shoulders tighten, probably at the thought of all the ridicule.

Rose has always been dramatic—she threatens to castrate
guys, to snip off their balls. It’s a part of her humor, but on air, it’s been
taken the wrong way.

“I think you dislike types of people,” I tell her, “both men
and women. The TV just shows parts of us. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

She nods, and after a brief minute, she focuses back on the
television. Our rare, honest moment ends just like that.

{ 32 }

0 years : 08 months

April

LILY CALLOWAY

Lo found the
best
way to stick it to production: barricading ourselves in our bedroom. Scott
wants footage of us; well, now he has none.

Seven days into our protest and cabin fever starts setting
in. I’m used to holing up in a
house
,
but holing up in a
room
is quite
different. For one, Lo and I have agreed that we’ll only sneak out for bathroom
breaks.

We’re waiting for Scott to apologize for all the mean things
he’s said
plus
altering footage of
us. It’s different than handing me porn and passing Lo a bottle of alcohol.
He’s actively trying to turn our friends and family against us. That’s a new
low.

However, I think it’s more likely that we’ll die from
starvation up here. Our only source of food comes from my youngest sister, who
smuggles us bagels and cookies whenever she’s home—which isn’t often.

I’ll be back in 10
minutes. Taxi got lost.
– Daisy

I groan as Lo does pushups on the floor. He had to skip the
gym a few times this week, which helps take his mind off drinking and
alleviates stress. “We’re going to starve,” I tell him. “Maybe I can convince
Connor to bring me a Pop-Tart.”

“No chance,” Lo says, his chest lowering to the ground. “I
texted him to bring me a Fizz, and he started lecturing me about anatomy and
how bipedal mobility works. All in a damn text. If I wasn’t so irritated, I
would have been impressed.”

“Yeah, but Rose is my sister. He
has
to be nice to me.”

I quickly compose a text.
Connor, I need food. I’m dying. SOS!
I hit send.

Too bad Rose and Ryke have bonded together to denounce our
protest. They think hiding out in a room, isolating ourselves, will cause us to
regress. But we’re not having any more sex than we usually do. Mostly, we’ve
spent our time bingeing on Netflix and reading comics online.

I flip open my laptop just as my phone pings.

The refrigerator is
stocked. If you’ve lost mobility in your legs, Loren can carry you downstairs.
And you know how I feel about hyperboles.
– Connor

Ugh.

I close my phone. “He’s on Team RoRy. Mission aborted.” I
sit on the edge of the bed, typing on my laptop, and Lo rolls onto his back to
begin sit-ups.

“RoRy?” he questions with a grunt.

“Yeah, also known as evil siblings Rose and Ryke,” I tell
him. “They needed a name.” I start scrolling through Tumblr’s #PoPhilly feed.
Most of the comments are essay-long paragraphs detailing how they love the
show.

Secretly, I just like looking at the gifs. Many people have
created them from videos of Lo kissing and flirting with me. We’ve been called
OTP (one true pairing) so many times that I literally have to stop myself from
producing happy tears.

I never thought
we’d
make
it into a fandom. It’s not something I sought, and now that it’s happening it
feels more surreal than anything. I have to admit, I love this side of pop
culture much more than the paparazzi. Maybe because Lo and I have always been fans
at heart.

I click the #Caballoway tag and find gifs of Connor’s arched
eyebrow and Rose’s brutal stare in reply. I instantly smile.

“Are you on Twitter?” Lo asks as he blows out a heavy
breath. He lowers his back to the ground and stops just before it touches the
floor. When he rises, he gives me a look like
we talked about Twitter
. We did. It’s not a healthy place for me.

“Tumblr,” I reply, my voice small.

He freezes mid-sit-up. “
Lily
,”
he says my name in warning. Tumblr is worse for me.

“I’m looking at chaste gifs,” I blurt out. “The kind with
you and me kissing.”

“You can’t even watch us making out on TV without getting
wet,” he reminds me and resumes his workout. “You shouldn’t be looking at gifs
of it either.”

“I’m getting better at it,” I admit truthfully.

“Okay,” he says, “but what happens if you stumble onto gifs
of naked men and cocks. You’ve abstained from porn for so long, Lil. You don’t
want to ruin that by accident.”

He’s so right. But I glance back at the computer screen and
see a gif of Connor wrapping his arms around Rose’s waist, his eyes lighting up
with desire, possession, and love. I’m so touched that we’re all a part of a
fandom. It’s going to be so sad to abandon this. To never see it again.

“Lil.” Lo sits up, his arm on his bent knee. “Give me ten
minutes and I’ll sit beside you and we can look at them together. I’ll cover
your eyes if I see any penises. How’s that?”

I smile. “What if there are boobs? Can I cover your eyes?”

“Sure,” he says into a laugh as he lowers back to the
ground. I log onto the Marvel website, a safe place, while he continues his
workout.

The door swings open a few minutes later, and Daisy
stealthily glides inside on her skateboard…okay, not so stealthily, but it’s a
pretty cool entrance.

And her appearance triggers a bright feeling, like Christmas
morning. I rush her before she gets far. “What’d you bring?”

She grins, setting a foot on the floor and leaving one on
her board. “Your favorite.” She shakes a paper brown Lucky’s bag.

“You’re the best.” Between keeping our secret and smuggling
in food, Daisy has shown her loyalty to Team LiLo (that’s what they call us
online now).

Lo jumps up from the ground and takes the bag from Daisy.
“Thanks, Dais.”

“Always happy to help,” she says, standing back on her
skateboard. She rolls around the room. “I have to warn you though, Rose is
giving me these dirty looks. I think she’s catching on that I’m sneaking in
food.”

“Stay strong,” I encourage as Lo passes me a box of fries.

“She has those eyes, you know,” Daisy tells us. “They’re
kind of scary.”

“That’s what it feels like to be turned to stone,” Lo says.
He sits at the desk and unwraps a burger.

“LILY! LO!” Ryke yells from downstairs. “I’m coming up! You
both better be clothed!”

Shit.
Fuck. Shit.

“Hide,” I hiss to Daisy. I don’t want her to get in real
trouble from Rose or Ryke. We both glance at the bed at the same time, and
Daisy lies on her skateboard and rolls underneath, out of sight.

I shove a fry in my mouth and find the Nerf gun by the
nightstand.

Lo snaps his fingers at me. “Uh-uh.” He shakes his head in
disapproval.

I swallow my fry and then say, “He’s the enemy, Lo.”

The door pops open before he can reply, and I pelt the Nerf
balls at Ryke’s chest. He doesn’t flinch, not even by the fifth one. “What the
fuck, Lily?” he growls and storms over, tugging the plastic toy from my hands.

I look to Lo, and he has that expression like
told you so.

Damage not inflicted. Point taken.

I slump down on the bed, stiffening a little as I remember
Daisy hides beneath the mattress and box springs.

Ryke narrows his eyes at the Nerf gun. “Where did you get this?”

“We’ve had it,” I lie briskly.

“If you’ve had this, you’d have shot me weeks ago.”

So true.

“It apparated into our room.”

His eyebrows knot. “
What?
”
He turns to Lo. “Is she even speaking English.”

Lo wipes his mouth with a napkin, still focused on his food.
“It’s a
Harry Potter
term.”

“For fuck’s sake, both of you are being ridiculous. Stop
this silly fucking protest and come down…” His voice trails off when he catches
sight of
what
Lo is eating. A Lucky’s
bag guiltily sitting beside the innocent lamp. And then Ryke’s face darkens.
“Calloway!”

“Yes?” I ask.

He rolls his eyes. “Not you.” His head whips around the
room. “Daisy!” He flings open the closet door, searching for her between my
shirts and Lo’s crew-necks.

“You should be directing your anger at Scott,” Lo refutes,
sipping from a fountain Fizz. “The moment he apologizes, we’ll be back
downstairs with the cameras.”

Ryke doesn’t listen. He concentrates on finding my sprightly
blonde sister. “Daisy!” And then he rests a hand on the mattress, about to duck
his head underneath the bed.

“Wait!” I shriek. But it’s too late.

He grabs her ankle and rolls her out onto the floor.

She’s smiling wide, her blonde hair tangled and hanging half
in her face. “Hey there,” she says, looking up at Ryke.

He gives her a long once-over that’s hard to miss. “Stop
giving them food and…
toys
.” He tosses
the Nerf gun on the bed.

Daisy turns over, her back against the skateboard. “They
were getting bored,” she refutes like it makes all the difference. It so does.

“Good.”

She glides away from him with the push of her hands, like
she’s floating on the pool on her back.

Ryke puts his foot in between her legs, stopping the
skateboard from rolling. My sister inhales a little deeper than before. This
looks utterly sexual. Right? I glance to Lo, and his glare could burn a hole in
his brother’s forehead.

Ryke never backs down, waiting for Daisy to speak.

“I have this theory,” Daisy says, “that if you leave two
people who are
really, really
attracted
to each other, alone in a room, without anything to do, they’ll have sex. A
lot,
a lot
of sex.”

I blush, wondering if she’s talking about us or about her
and Ryke.

We wait in uncomfortable silence for Ryke to reply.

He says, “If that theory is right, you must really find your
boyfriend fucking ugly.”

“Who says I haven’t had lots of sex with him?”

His glare could kill. “He’s twenty-three, Dais. If you’re
fucking him, he’s going to jail.”

She raises her hand in defense and sits up on the
skateboard. Ryke’s leg is closer to her crotch in result, but she actually
grabs onto his ankle so he doesn’t move. “I’m not…I wouldn’t do that to
someone.” She glances at me for back up.

“She’s just being nice to us,” I say. “Don’t jump down her
throat, Ryke.” My eyes bug. “Notlikethat.”

Lo groans behind me. “Appetite lost, Lil.”

Yeah, I don’t want to think about Ryke’s
you know what
near Daisy’s mouth either.

Daisy breathes heavily and says straight out, “I just
thought that if they got bored, then they’d probably want to have sex.”

Lo coughs hoarsely, and I walk over to pat his back. He
takes a large sip of his soda before he says, “Please, don’t talk about my sex
life, Daisy.”

She sighs and sets her forehead on Ryke’s leg in
frustration. He still towers above her. “I was just trying to be helpful.”

“You’re not fucking helping,” Ryke says rudely, though his
hand is on her head, closer physically than I’ve seen them before. Their
friendship has made a few extra strides it seems.
Hopefully not too far.

“Hey,” I pipe in. “She is too helping. If I didn’t have my
Nerf gun, I probably would have jumped Lo. Sex crisis averted.”

Ryke steps away from Daisy and turns on me. “If you’re
having problems controlling yourself, maybe you shouldn’t be locked in a room
with your boyfriend.” He points at the toy gun on the bed. “But this is your
fucking solution? Really?”

“Looks more fun than doggy style,” Daisy chimes in with a
lopsided smile.

“No,” Ryke says one word to refute that.

I’d have to agree with him. Nerf guns are not as fun as
doggy style.

Lo pinches the bridge of his nose and then rises from the
desk. “Okay.” He grabs the Nerf gun off the bed and shoves it in Ryke’s chest.
“Take the gun. Take Daisy.” He clasps Daisy’s wrist, pulls her to her feet and
hands her the skateboard. Then he rejoins me in the middle of the room. “We’re
going to be protesting in
private
.”

Ryke doesn’t look happy.

“Told you,” Daisy says under her breath, “I tried to keep
them from—”

Ryke swiftly draws her to his chest and covers her mouth
with his hand. I can tell she’s smiling underneath his palm.

“You’ll really come out if Scott apologizes?” he asks.

“Yep,” Lo says.

“I’ll have him in here within the hour,” Ryke proclaims, a
promise attached to the words. “This shit ends tonight.” He releases Daisy, his
eyes drifting along her features. “I don’t know what kind of doggy style you’re
doing, but it’s wrong.” He pats her head before exiting.

Lo shouts back, “Inappropriate,
bro!
”
 

Daisy watches Ryke leave before she sidles next to me and
nudges my hip. “Sorry.”

I shake my head and give her a side hug. “You’ve been a
valiant soldier. The best.”

When she smiles, it’s bright and beautiful, and I wonder how
I spent so many years avoiding a relationship with her. Daisy is one of the
most soulful people to be around, and maybe if I opened up a little sooner, I’d
have felt this joy from the start.