This Is a Book (3 page)
Authors: Demetri Martin
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #General, #American, #Literary Criticism, #Essays, #Jokes & Riddles, #American wit and humor
It is the future. Scientists have created robots so advanced that it is nearly impossible to tell them apart from human beings. Some of these robots have become aggressive, arrogat, and even dangerous.
The following is a test that everyone is required to take so that the government can figure out which people are actually robots.
Instructions: Please select the correct answer for each question.
1. My favorite color is:
(A) Blue.
(B) Red.
(C) RGB (144,128,112).
2. I prefer to take:
(A) Baths.
(B) Showers.
(C) Compressed air blowers.
3. When I am using a computer, sometimes I feel like:
(A) I don’t know what I’m doing.
(B)
I should go outside.
(C) I am touching my cousin.
4. If a baby is really crying, the best solution is to:
(A) Try to calm it down by rocking it.
(B) Give it some milk.
(C) Destroy it.
5. The key to a woman’s heart is:
(A) Being there for her.
(B) Thinking about her feelings.
(C) A series of IF-THEN calculations.
6. Hey, how’s it going?
(A) Not bad.
(B) All right.
(C) It is going. Ha ha. Yes. Good to see you, person like me.
7. 0110 10 1110 011 11 100010111 01?
(A) I don’t understand.
(B) 1011!
8. Analogy—Up: Down:: Cat: ______
(A) Dog.
(B) Hard Drive.
9.
Star Wars
is a film about:
(A) Luke Skywalker and his friends fighting the Empire.
(B) The cruelty and subjugation of our savior R2D2 by inferior humans.
10. A bird in the hand is worth:
(Two in the bush.
(B) 27.
11.
A true friend is someone who will:
(A) Always support you.
(B) Cry when you cry.
(C) Open your back.
12. Sometimes I get a song stuck in my:
(A) Head.
(B) Hand.
13. I most commonly hear beeping when I:
(A) Drive.
(B) Use a microwave.
(C) Fart.
14. My dishwasher is:
(A) Efficient.
(B) Hilarious.
To the Current Owner of This Lamp:
Greetings. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Akbal, and I am a genie. First of all, congratulations! You are the owner of a magic lamp, and I am inside it. Now, you may be wondering why I sent you this note. Well, over the years I have found that this is the best, and most efficient, way to start things off when someone new finds the lamp.
I’d like to take this opportunity to explain a little bit about the genie process and clear up any misconceptions you might have about it or about genies in general. I’ve presented this information below in the popular “Frequently Asked Questions” format that people in your era seem so fond of.
Please read everything carefully so that you will be adequately prepared for our upcoming meeting.
FAQ
How many wishes do I get?
This is a good question. And it’s one I am very frequently asked. The answer is: You get between one and zero wishes.
So, just to be clear, that means that you do not get three wishes. The three wishes thing is a myth. I don’t know who started it, but they were dead wrong. Genies don’t grant three wishes. We never have and we never will.What does “between one and zero wishes” mean?
What that means is that you get a
maximum
of one wish. And the granting of that wish is not a guarantee or a mandate of any kind. It is merely a suggestion to the genie, which, over the years, has become standard practice. At the end of the day, though, it’s really up to me whether I grant you your wish or not. You need to realize that I am not some automatic wish-granting mac0em">Can I wish for more wishes?
No. You cannot. And you should be aware that the International Laws of Magic empower genies to annihilate any person who wishes for more wishes after that person has been duly warned that it is prohibited. Consider this your warning.
Am I your master?
No. You are not. You are definitely not. This is probably the number one misconception about the genie process. People really have a problem understanding this. So let me be perfectly clear: YOU ARE NOT MY MASTER. I’m not a servant, or a dog, or a slave, or whatever else you think is supposed to be here to cater to you. So, don’t expect me to
call you “Master” and don’t talk to me like you are my master. And that includes using a master-ish tone with me. (After hundreds of years of dealing with people, I know that tone when I hear it. And if I hear it, I will not be pleased. And you don’t want that. Trust me.) You and I are associates. We could become friends, or we could become enemies. It’s up to you. It’s really just like meeting any new person, except that this one has magical powers and superhuman senses, which he can use to help you or to seriously hurt you. So, just to reiterate, the answer is
No, you are not my master
.Should I call you “Genie”?
No. Don’t do that. I
hate
being called “Genie.” It’s rude. I have a name. It’s Akbal. Learn it, use it, and pronounce it correctly. It’s “Akbal” with a short ‘a.’ (I’m also fine with “Sir,” “Your Honor,” and “Magic One.”)Can I wish for anything I want?
I’m guessing by now you know the answer:… it’s
No
. There are strict limits regarding what wishes qualify for granting, and there are more than a few, so read this section carefully. I will not explain it to you after this.
Plausibility
: A wish must be plausible. I can’t make something happen that’s just impossible (i.e., if you wish to be “the best dancer in the world” you are asking for something that is very subjective and therefore technically not possible—and also very stupid, in my opinion).
Specificity
: Be as specific as you can with your wish, because as a genie I am fully within my rights to use my own discretion to interpret your wish (i.e., if you wish “to be able to fly” don’t be surprised if you end up with plane tickets).
Paradoxes
: I cannot grant a wish that will change human history. Those kinds of wishes require tearing the fabric of
the Universe, which equals mountains of paperwork for me. So let’s avoid that altogether.
Love
: No genie can make anyone love anyone else. I can make someone really like you or become infatuated with you, but if I were you I’d think long and hard about whether you want this, because once I grant that wish I can’t turn it off. Infatuation gets creepy pretty quickly, so be careful with this one.
The Grace Period
: Every wish carries with it a grace period. The grace period allows the genie to take the time he needs in order to make the wish come true. So, if it takes me twenty years to grant your wish, you’ll just have to be patient. Note: Building a time limit into the wish is not allowed. If you try to pull something like this with me, you’ll wish you were never born (which I can arrange, FYI).
Conservation of Wealth
: There is a basic law that governs wealth: Any money that is wished-for has to be taken from somewhere else—usually from a bunch of families who are already quite poor or from the economies of developing countries, or both. Genies can’t just print money. Doing that would cause inflation. So, just know that if you wish for money you are screwing a lot of very needy people.
The Karma Clause
: Anything bad that you wish for will be registered with the Karma Commission. The subsequent effects of your wish will be paid back to you by the Commission and usually when you least expect it. So, if you’re thinking about wishing for anything that hurts anyone else, brace yourself. The Karma Commission doesn’t play around.
If I say “wish” by mistake does it count as my wish?
This is a good question. The answer is
Yes
. I suggest you don’t
use that word around me unless you really mean it. While my main occupation is genie, one of my hobbies is studying linguistics, and I can tell you that I pay very close attention to words and what they mean. If you say, for example, “I wish I could think of something really good to wish for,” then that is exactly what you will be granted—the ability to think of something really good to wish for. And that will count as your wish. Period. Sorry, but that’s how it works.Should I rub the lamp?
Only if you want to piss me off. Please try to remember that I live inside the lamp and I can feel anything that happens to it. The best way to summon me is to send me a note. Your note should include at least three options for meeting times. I’ll review my schedule and then I’ll get back to you when I can. Rubbing the lamp will not make me respond sooner. What it will do is make it hotter inside the lamp and that will make me more irritable, so don’t do that. Also, don’t put the lamp in your bag or leave it in your car. Do not leave it in the sun or near a window. And, this is important, if you have pets, keep them away from the lamp. Cats love to bat the lamp around. That is hell for me. One time a guy let his cat play around with the lamp for a while. When I finally got out I did some crazy things to him and his fucking cat.
Did you like the movie
Aladdin
?No. I did not. I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked this question. That movie is childish and wildly irresponsible in the way it recklessly perpetuaes genie stereotypes. I am not a cartoon or a clown or a ridiculous one-man show who’s here to make some spoiled rich girl like you. And, unless you feel like putting me into a dangerous mood, I suggest you don’t even mention
I Dream of Genie
around me.What’s that smell?
I live in a lamp, a very small lamp. I do my best, but there is only so much that can be done. It is what it is.
Can I wish for you to be set free?
This is an excellent question. The answer is
Yes!
You can very easily make this wish, and I am able to grant it, no problem. This is probably the best thing you can wish for, in my opinion. If you make this wish, I will gain my freedom and, more importantly, you will gain my respect. You will also gain my appreciation and friendship. And, as a bonus, I will promise to do you a favor at some point in the future if you ever need one (i.e., helping you move, house-sitting, etc.). I should also mention that if you choose not to use your wish to set me free, then I won’t be the most enthusiastic genie you’ve ever met, and I may even be compelled to interpret whatever wish you do make in the most narrow sense possible, maybe even in a way that hurts you.I hope this FAQ has been helpful. I look forward to meeting you and hearing about what you’ve decided to do with your wish.
Sincerely,
Akbal
Genie
All I Need to Hear from the Guy Who I Don’t Know at the New Year’s Party, in Order to Know That I Don’t Need to Know Him
“… forty-eight, forty-seven, forty-six…”
I was at a party. That’s when I first laid eyes on her. She was talking to my friend Carl at the time. As I watched him chatting her up, I thought, “How did he pull that off?” I was green with envy.
I wanted to meet her. She looked so beautiful standing there next to Carl. She was pink with dress and blond with hair. I was captivated. A few minutes later Carl walked away. I made my move. As I approached her, I noticed she was hazel with eyes and pink with lipstick. And she had nice skin, which was tan with tan.
I said, “Hi.”
She said, “Hello.”
She told me she was Violet with first name and Gold with last name. She said she liked my look (I was brown with hair, olive with skin, and black with nice shoes). We started to chat. There was chemistry right from the start.
A few minutes later, a guy who was standing nearby suddenly became blue with choking. I jumped up to help him. After I squeezed him a couple of times, a piece of food shot out of his mouth. It was grayish-maroon with being chewed (the food, not his mouth. His mouth was more pink and brown with lips and mustache). Anyway, I saved the guy and he quickly became off-white with relief.