This Is a Book (2 page)

O
PERATOR:
Okay, well, we’re approaching the end of the call. For a party situation we recommend the call be about this length—any longer and you’ll just look lonelier. If you’re comfortable returning to the party, just say, “Okay. Later, buddy.”

D
AVE:
No.

O
PERATOR:
Dave, you have to get off the phone now.

D
AVE:
Dude, she called me twice today!

O
PERATOR:
You’re repeating yourself, Dave. Stop panicking. Take a deep breath. You’ll be fine. We have to end this call, so—

D
AVE:
Hey there!

O
PERATOR:
I’m going to say goodbye now, Dave—

D
AVE:
Hey there! Hey there!

O
PERATOR:
Dave, put down the phone and get out of there. You need to leave that party immediately. Hold out your phone and look at it like something is very wrong with it. And do not say “Hey there” again.

D
AVE:
…

O
PERATOR:
Dave?

D
AVE:
All riiiiiight.

They say your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. I think this is true. For me, it would definitely be my megaphone.

It all started when I got the megaphone. It was a gift from my friend Doug. I remember the moment clearly. Doug and I were standing in his garage looking for his turtle, when I noticed the megaphone just sitting there quietly. I asked Doug if I could have it. He said, “Sure.” Then he picked it up and handed it to me. That moment would change my life forever.

I took to the megaphone right away. Right after Doug handed it to me, the first word I said through it was “Thank” and then right after that “You,” but I really let it ring out—like “Youuuuuuu!” Doug didn’t seem that thrilled with me. I think that’s a common sort of reaction when someone gives something away and then realizes how great the thing they just gave away was. It was right after I tried out the siren function that Doug really started to seem irritated about his decision to give away that great megaphone. I didn’t want to make the situation any worse, so I just said “Hello?” through the megaphone and made a face that said “this thing isn’t really
that
great.” I think that helped, because Doug stopped shaking his head and cursing at me.

At first, everything with the megaphone was great. It came in
really handy in the obvious situations. I would be meeting a friend somewhere and I’d use it to call out to him so that he could find me in a crowd, or I’d use the megaphone to get someone to move out of my way on the sidewalk or in line at the pharmacy.

I’ve always hated boring street performers. Thanks to the megaphone I finally had a real outlet to express that. And you know, I never really knew what “thinking out loud” meant until I did it through the megaphone. It made my thinking way more “out loud” and more “out landish” too.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

With the megaphone, I also started to get noticed a lot more by women, especially whenever I tried to guess their name or bra size as they walked by.

One thing you learn pretty quickly with a megaphone is that it’s hard not to say “Step right up!” through it. For me that proved to be most problematic at carnivals and soup kitchens. I discovered that if there’s one thing carnies and soupies have in common it’s that they do not like to “step right up” and then find that there’s nothing there besides a guy with a megaphone.

One thing I learned to do was to get that megaphone away from my face pretty quickly after saying my “thang” through it, because people love nothing more than to push a megaphone straight into the mouth of its master. And, in case you didn’t know, that equals big trouble for your teeth. A good trick is to have a backup megaphone. That way, when someone takes or smashes your first one, you have another one right there ready to go, ideally cranked to full volume for when you give them the old “Nice try!” through it.

After a while, I entered what I call my “do-gooder phase” with my megaphone. If I saw a fire I would make alarm sounds through the megaphone to alert people to get out of there. This would irritate the firefighters and sometimes make them aggressive. But this
was never a problem as long as I ran away before the fire was over, while the firefighters were still busy being heroes.

If I heard the police talking through one of their megaphones, I would join in and add little endings to thins that they said. If they said, “Pull over” to a driver, I might add, “He means it!” or
“ Comprende?”
if the person looked kind of Spanish.

The megaphone proved to be a great way to help blind people too. I’d sometimes shout helpful directions through the megaphone to guide a blindie if I saw one. Sometimes I could even make it into a little game for myself and narrate what the person was doing: “There he goes. It looks like he’s headed towards the curb now. Oh he’s feeling it out and… up he goes! This guy has hardly bumped into anything so far!”

You learn a lot when you have a megaphone. You learn that children’s ears are more sensitive than adults’, and that the parents of those children can have really short fuses. You also learn that it’s hard to take back things that you’ve said through a megaphone and that it’s not the best way to break up with somebody.

Is it easier to meet women with a megaphone? Yes. Does that mean that you should use that megaphone when you sleep with one of them? No. Absolutely not—no matter how right it may feel at the time.

As I got more into the megaphone I found that certain people really seemed to have a hard time with it (including friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, and most other people too). It showed me just how jealous people can become when someone finally finds his calling. But, I guess that’s people for you.

As I learned and experimented more, I started to get really good with the megaphone. I could whisper through it and make it sound like a normal speaking voice (as I mixed my whisper with the phone’s “mega” mechanism).

The more I used the megaphone, the better I became at using it. My creativity blossomed, and eventually I became what some might call a “megaphone artist.” I was able to use words like
“wistful” and “aplomb” through the megaphone without it sounding too weird.

Sometimes I would just turn on the megaphone and let it capture my breathing, which for some reason really pissed people off.

But, as skilled as I had become, I was beginning to rely on the megaphone too much. I carried it with me all the time. Whenever I felt awkward I would reach for my megaphone and say just whatever came to mind—like “Do do do do” or “Ta ta ta ta” or “Do ta do ta do” or “Heads up!”

My worst moment was probably the time I got drunk with the megaphone. If you thought I was talky regularly, you should see me with 2 or 12 shots of tequila in me. Needless to say, that night I ended up in the hospital. The doctor said that the megaphone probably saved my life. Apparently if I hadn’t fallen asleep with the megaphone on my mouth I would have puked into my mouth instead of into the megaphone. And that could have been fatal.

Even though I was okay, that experience was a real wake-up call for me. It was clear that I had a problem. Plus, my megaphone smelled terrible.

I decided it was time to give up the megaphone. And I quit megaphoning cold turkey. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Immediately, I could feel how badly I needed something to fill the void. I found myself using anything I could as a megaphone: rolled-up paper, my hand pancakes. I even tried talking into a bag, but that proved to be dangerous, especially during some of my longer rants. I was lost.

Then one day, while I was shouting through a parking cone that I found on Doug’s newly paved driveway, I had a revelation. “Who am I kidding?” I thought out loud, to myself. “These other objects I’m talking through are all really just megaphones in disguise. I mean, even my own mouth is just a little megaphone, right? Life is too short and I have too much to say, and I—.” Then Doug kind of charged at me and ripped the cone out of my hands and asked me to get off his driveway. That’s when I knew what I had to do. I
got up and headed straight for the hardware store, where I bought a brand-new megaphone… the very one you have been hearing me speak through tonight, ladies and gentlemen. When I got that new megaphone I put it up to my mouth and I have never looked back since. Although, I’ve certainly heard back, if you know what I meeeeaaaaaaan!

Thank you for listening. God bless and good night.

I
DEA:
It seems that The best way to kill a magician’s assistant is to cut the assistant in half at the waist (also seems to be a good way to frame a magician for murder).

T
HE
Z
ERO
S
UM
G
AME:
I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It’s clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both.

Q
UESTION:
What do you get the man who has everything?

A
NSWER:
A conscience. That guy is so greedy.

T
HING TO
T
RY:
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

C
APITAL
P
UNISHMENT:

Terrible way to die: being stoned to death.

Worse way to die: being pebbled to death.

Better way to die: being bouldered to death.

(Much speedier.)

O
BSERVATION:
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

S
TORY
I
DEA:
Idea for a character-based story. Character is a Renaissance man, but just in terms of his personal hygiene standards.

G
ENERAL
Q
UESTION:
How many winos are also foodies?

W
ARNING:
Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spiderweb.

H
OTEL
C
ONUNDRUM:
The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

I
NDICATOR:
There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

M
OVIE
C
ONCEPT:
Two words: Dragon Orthodontist.

D
ICTUM:
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is, Mike.

S
YNONYMOUS:
Two questions that are essentially the same are “How old do you think I am?” and “Are you ready to feel awkward no matter how you answer this question?”

F
ACT:
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

R
EVELATION:
I have an extremely low threshold for using the word “threshold.”

O
N
S
PECIFICITY:
Maybe you should not call yourselves “Volunteer Firefighters” but rather “Volunteer
in Advance
Firefighters” based on how rudely you treat someone who was just trying to help. (You’re welcome.)

T
HOUGHT:
What is the largest size train set one can own before it becomes just a train? (Note: answer may depend on smallness of friends.)

C
HALLENGE:
To wear a visor and appear credible at the same time.

I
DEA:
A horror story in which the world is invaded by creatures who are really good at tickling humans. It’s no big deal at first, but then they won’t stop, damn it.

R
EGARDING THE
M
ARCHING
B
AND:
How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

O
N THE
A
RROGANCE OF
H
UMAN
B
EINGS:
Man exhibits a God complex. For example, consider the leaf blower.