This Is a Book (9 page)
Authors: Demetri Martin
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #General, #American, #Literary Criticism, #Essays, #Jokes & Riddles, #American wit and humor
Dear Rob’s Friends,
I’m psyched to be in charge of planning Rob’s bachelor party. Here’s the plan: First, we’ll all meet up at O’Malley’s at 9:00 and watch my band do a quick show. After my band plays, we can figure out the rest from there.
Stoked,
Josh
PS—I know the bachelor party is a “guys-only” thing, but you should feel free to brng anyone you know to the first part to see my band play.
Dear Katie,
I know things didn’t end well between us and that we agreed to give each other some space for a while, but I really think we should talk. How about Wednesday night? We can meet at The Cutting Room at 10:00. It’ll be good for both of us to finally sit down and really talk, right after you watch my band. We go on at 10 pm. By the way, it’s a great night to see us (Battle of the Bands!). See you at the show.
Sincerely,
Josh
PS—I’ll bring those CDs of yours that you’ve been trying to get back from me for a while along with that sweatshirt that you thought you lost.
Dear Mrs. McIntyre,
I understand your concern about having Kevin’s intervention in a bar, but, just so you know, it won’t actually be
in
the bar. It’ll be in the back room, near the stage. I really feel that this is the best way to do it. First of all, confronting Kevin there will be a major surprise, which will only help the intervention. Second, I may have accidentally hinted to Kevin that the next time he comes home you might try to confront him (sorry about that). But, anyway, the Ace Bar is a place where I know Kevin feels safe, and it’s a place he won’t be avoiding for a while (unlike your house). By the way, I think my band may be playing there that night, starting promptly at 10:15. So, let’s all meet there at 10:00 just to be safe. I’m looking forward to helping Kevin. I even wrote a song about it that I think you’ll really enjoy. See you there!Kevin’s friend,
Josh
Dear Michelle,
I’m so sorry for your loss. With Craig’s passing, this must be a very difficult time for you. One thing Craig had mentioned when he was still alive was how much he wanted you to see my band. We’re playing this Thursday. Why don’t you come (for him). I already put your name on the list so I’ll definitely see you there.
With Deep Sympathy,
Josh
FOUND: 1 dog. Fits description of missing dog exactly. To get dog back, meet me Wednesday at 11:30 pm at The Crown Bar. I will have the dog and will be there
only
during the band’s performance. Meet me while the band is playing and make sure to watch the band’s entire set. After that, I
will be leaving the country and will probably take the dog with me.
Dear Eric,
Thank you for the wedding invitation. Unfortunately, I will be unable to attend. However, I will be playing with my band that night not far from where your reception’s going to be. You guys should come see us right after your wedding is done. I’ve already put tickets aside for you. Okay? Great. See you at the show, little brother. And, Kim, welcome to the family!
Counting on it,
Josh
PS—Maybe bring the wedding party too?
Hello. Is this the suicide hotline? All right, good. Well listen, I’m going to kill myself unless you and your entire staff come to my band’s show this Monday night. It’s at Jerry’s on Oak Street. Be there at 11 pm sharp. And, this time I’m serious.
G
ENTLY INFORMING A
DJ
THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH THE SOUND SYSTEM:
No music is, um, on.
A G
ERMAN BOUNCER AT A GAY
S&M
BAR TELLING AN UNDERAGE CUSTOMER, WHO IS STANDING IN LINE, THAT HE CANNOT LET HIM ENTER THE BAR:
Ya, get an ID, robust, subordinate gay.
A
FATHER TRYING TO CONNECT WITH HIS ESTRANGED SON BY OFFERING HIM SOME PIZZA:
Son, I’m odd. Domino’s?
T
HE HEAD BAKER AT A BAKERY INSTRUCTING A NEW EMPLOYEE ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH CUSTOMERS AND THEN SUDDENLY NOTICING WHAT THE NEW BAKER HAS MADE:
< />
Snub no man. Nice cinnamon buns!
A
N
A
MERICAN TOURIST ANGRILY CORRECTING HIS CAB DRIVER AFTER LANDING IN ITALY AND DISCOVERING THAT THE DRIVER IS TAKING HIM TO THE WRONG CITY:
No. Rome, moron.
A
DIALOGUE BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS YOUNG SON
. T
HE MAN IS TRYING TO TEACH THE BOY THE NAME OF A PIECE OF FRUIT AND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SINGULAR AND PLURAL:
—Son, say a papaya.
—Papayas.
—No “s.”
A
BUTLER POLITELY ASKING THE YOUNG SON OF HIS RICH EMPLOYER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AS HE GETS HIM READY FOR BED:
Emit debris, sir. Bedtime.
A
COMMENT SAID TO A FRIEND ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS OLD JEANS, AFTER HE’S LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT.
Massive Levis, Sam.
A
SCIENTIST’S REACTION TO WHAT HE FINDS IN A PETRI DISH.
P.U.! Organisms in a group.
A
GUY EXPLAINING TO HIS FRIEND HOW HE FEELS ABOUT OPERAS AS HE ACCIDENTALLY RUNS INTO A BEEHIVE.
See, bro, operas are poor—Bees!
A
POEM ABOUT A LONELY MAN IN A STRIP CLUB, WHO CONTEMPLATES THE AGE-OLD BATTLE OF THE SEXES WHEN HE BECOMES INFATUATED WITH TWO OF THE CLUB’S DANCERS
, T
INA AND
S
TELLA
. A
S HE WATCHES THE STRIPPERS, THE BOUNCERS WATCH HIM
. S
OON HE BEGINS TO LOSE CONTROL OF HIMSELF, PROPOSING MARRIAGE TO
S
TELLA AND FONDLING TWO OTHER DANCERS
. A
T THE SAME TIME, HE STARTS TO DEVELOP A GNAWING SENSE OF SELF-AWARENESS, DISCOVERING THAT HE, LIKE THE OTHER MEN IN THE CLUB, IS AS MUCH A SPECTACLE AS THE VERY STRIPPERS THEY ARE WATCHING
. S
TILL, HE CANNOT ESCAPE HIS OWN NATURE
. A
ND WHEN HE FINALLY GETS TOO INTIMATE WITH ONE OF THE LADIES, SHE WALLOPS HIM WITH HER BOOBS, TURNING HIS THOUGHTS ABOUT THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES INTO PHYSICAL REALITY
.