This Is a Book (23 page)

George felt uneasy. He couldn’t look at Sheila. She knew something was wrong.

“Is something bothering youuuuuuuu?” she said. Her vowels still rang out from time to time, mostly when she was feeling more emotional.

“Well,” said George, “I was wondering if there was anything you wanted me to know about you, about your life, maybe that you haven’t told me. We never really talk about it.”

“Uh, no. Nothing I can think of,” Sheila responded. “There’s not much to talk about really. As you know I died from an allergic reaction after eating some chili. Sometimes they put peanut butter in it, which I didn’t know at the time. But I’ve told you that already.”

George nodded. “So, nothing else, then?”

Sheila shrugged, then offered, “The most interesting things that have happened to me, happened after I died.” She floated closer to George.

George looked at her. “And what about your husband?”

Sheila’s face turned white, even more white than usual.

“What are you talking about?” she said.

“I’m talking about Mark.”

“Mark? Uh… That was a long time ago,” replied Sheila, trying to play it off. “I didn’t think it was important.”

“You didn’t think it was important!?… I’d say being married is pretty important, Sheila! That’s the kind of thing you might want to mention to someone before you start sleeping with them!”

“Mark is something from my past.”

“Oh really?” replied George. “And is that why you’re still in touch with him?”

“What? We talk occasionally, but just through a psychic. We’re just friends. What’s the big deal?”

“What’s the big deal?! Are you kidding right now?!”

Sheila floated to the couch. “I don’t know what Mark told you, but we’re just friends. Nothing more. He’s dated other people, you know. He just contacts me when he needs something.”

“How can we have a relationship if you can’t be honest with me?”

“
Honest
with you?!” Sheila started to lose her temper. “I became a
ghost
for you! Do you know what I’ve been through to make this work?”

“Oh, here we go again with the ghost stuff!” snapped George.

“
I’m
the one who went and got a visa,” shouted Sheila. “
I’m
the one who left all of her friends in the Afterlife to come and be with you. Do you know what it’s like to suddenly blurt out ‘Boo’ when you’re trying to say something? Do you ever wonder what it feels like to be drawn to cemeteries? No, you don’t, because you’re Mr. ‘Still Alive.’ Well I’m the one here who has to keep visiting a murder case that she doesn’t even
care about
.” Her ve was trembling. “I did all of this for you!”

“I never asked you to!”

“Oh, but you never stopped me. Did you? You sure didn’t seem to have any problem with it when I was floating in your bed. Did you?”

George didn’t say anything.

“People told me to watch out. They said, ‘George has trouble with commitment.’ And I said, ‘No. He’s not like that. Not the George I know.’ But they were right. This isn’t about Mark. It’s about you.”

“Of course it’s about Mark. You haven’t been honest with me. God, I just can’t look at you the same way.”

“Oh come off it, George. I’m dead. Yes, Mark and I were
married, okay? Yes. But have you ever heard of ‘till death do us part’? Well, I died. And we parted.”

She continued. “By the way, I’m not the only one here who failed to mention a relationship. When were you going to tell me about Lori?”

“How do you know about her?”

“I found out on Halloween. Your friend Andrew told me.”

“Well that’s over. It ended before I even met you.”

“Did it? Because when I visited Lori she still seemed into you.”

“You visited Lori? How could you do that?”

“I was curious. It’s a free world. If it’s so ‘over,’ then what’s the big deal?”

“This is crazy. I can’t believe you haunted Lori. I think you should go. And I think it would be best if… if we just… if we were just friends.”

“Friends? Really? That’s it. What about all that talk about being your ‘Soul mate’? Was that all bullshit so you could have a fling with a ghost? Was it all just so you could have a good story? Huh? ‘Hey everybody, I slept with a ghost!’ ”

“That’s not fair, Sheila.”

“You had your fun, but then it started to get too real for you. God forbid you have to actually commit to someone, George. You know what, this isn’t worth it. I’ve jumped through so many hoops to make this work, changing myself for
you
. I had a pretty good afterlife before you came along. Goodbye, George.”

Sheila turned and stormed off, creating such a supernatural ruckus that she even scared herself in the process.

Sheila returned to the Afterlife, heartbroken and exhausted. But part of her was also relieved. Being a ghost had been difficult. And with a little distance from it all she realized that George was not her soul mate, after all. He was just a cute guy who wasn’t dead. Sheila returned to her friends and to the casual dating she knew so well in death. She vowed never to get involved with anyone on Earth again.

Mark tried to get in touch with Sheila a couple more times. She ignored his calls.

It took some time, but George got over Sheila. He even started dating again and found new appreciation for the pleasures of making love to living women.

Ironically, years later George and Mark would end up becoming good friends. They ran into each other at a screenwriting symposium and decided to grab lunch. They discovered that they had a lot in common. They had both worked in advertising and were both hoping to break into writing. They started to kick around ideas and then began writing together not long after that. George and Mark developed an idea for a sitcom based on their experiences with Sheila. They pitched and sold it to a major television network. The series aired. It became a hit show and ran for seven seasons.

George got married and had two children. He lived to be a wealthy old man and died peacefully one night in his sleep.

As George returned to the idyllic shores of the Afterlife, waiting for him on the other side was Sheila, along with her attorney.

I like to read. I read everything: books, magazines, newspapers, pamphlets, signs, T-shirts, and just about anything else with words printed on it. Here is some prose that I found on the packaging of some everyday products.

“We founded Wholesome Foods in 1973 because we believed that wholesome foods come from wholesome land. And that belief has guided our company ever since. That’s why every piece of Wholesome Foods produce is rubbed on a virgin before it goes into the truck. So you can be sure every bite is fresh, wholesome, and totally free of sex.”

“At Hillsdale Farms we use no hormones in our turkeys. In fact, we pride ourselves on doing no harm whatsoever to our turkeys. We raise them naturally and then simply encourage our juicy, organically fed turkeys to take their own lives after they go through our patented ‘depressive introspection’ existential crisis.”

“Yitz crackers taste great with cheese or party dip. Try them with peanut butter for a fun snack or with jam for a sweet treat. Or, try making a little hat out of them, you moron.”

“This robe is provided for your comfort while staying at the Royal Clifton. If you wish to purchase one, please contact Guest Services, and then brace yourself, because we’re pretty sure it costs more than your house.”

“WARNING: This snorkel quickly becomes a giant straw if you’re not careful.”

“While we’re not exactly sure what goes into our gluten-free gingersnaps, the man who brings us the snaps in his old wooden cart seems very friendly and relatively clean. And he always covers his mouth when he coughs. Either way, every bag of gingersnaps we sell meets our “golden standard of sell-ability.”

“Just as a gushing brook endlessly winds its way through a forest, our Mint Meleetea will bring the same unstoppable force to your urethra. Enjoy Mint Melee tea at home, near your bathroom. We mean it.”

“Munchables are fun for the whole family. Made from 100% all-natural laboratory chemicals, these munchy, crunchy snacks are guaranteed to fill even the hungriest tummy. Make sure to drink plenty of water with Munchables to really get the party going (and to avoid stomach implosion).”

“Vitalique shampoo is infused with pro-vitamins and natural moisturizers as well as age-defying color enhancers that clean hair at its roots with a patented 3-step, dirt-defying vibrancy enhancer, leaving your hair looking and smelling fresh, young, revitalized, and rejuvenated, making it bounce and shine with reinvigorated, reinfused infusions of revitalization and pro-color vitamins and other things you need to hear in order to buy this hair soap.”

“This product may contain traces of Nick.”

“For over 50 years, we’ve used the same secret recipe. That’s what makes our desserts taste so delicious. And that’s all you need to know about it. And we suggest you don’t go snooping around for any more information about the recipe. Others have done so at their own peril. So how about you just enjoy the shortbread and don’t ask any more questions.”

“OfficeZone’s Clinger Adhesive Strips hold firmly and reliably. Perfect for home, school, or office. But not perfect for skin. Be careful. These strips will stick to your skin forever. That is not an exaggeration. If one of them even taps your skin, it will fuse instantly. Don’t pull on it. That will make it burrow even farther into your flesh. Just leave it where it is and learn to live with it.”

“Worthington Water Crackers are created just the same way Clarence Worthington first made them over 200 years ago. Our tradition of excellence dates back to the 1800s. This time-honored recipe is very old, okay? But who really cares? I mean, let’s be honest. They’re crackers. Either buy them or don’t. But don’t expect us to sit here and tell you some long story about the history of some freaking crackers. They’re just crackers. Piss off.”

Four by six inches. Glossy. A lake. Me. Summer. I am on water skis behind a boat. I am holding on to a line as the boat pulls me. I am moving fast. I am wearing a red bathing suit and an orange life preserver. I am smiling. I am feeling happy and confident. I’m looking cool. And I am going really fast. Nice breeze. The wind is blowing through my hair. White water is spraying out behind me and off to the sides. I look awesome. This could be a postcard: the sunshine, the pine trees, the mountains, and me ripping it up on water skis in the middle of it all. I’m on a camping trip with a bunch of my friends. Some of them are in the boat. Others are watching from the dock. I can even feel the strangers on the beach watching me. Who’s the man?! Right now that would be me. This is my moment.

I am happy this photo is being taken, because it is an official record of this moment. It’s not like I’d forget a moment as cool as this, but it’s nice to have an official document of it. Man, I cannot wait to see this photo. I am glad I chose to wear my sunglasses. They make me look even cooler. And to think I was reluctant to try waterskiing. Huh. Life sure is ironic sometimes. I didn’t want to do it because I was afraid of falling, but then Janis, who just had a baby, tried it. After that, I would have been the only one who
didn’t do it, so I decided to go for it. I mean, I didn’t want to be
that
guy. I’m happy my friends talked me into doing this. I’ll have to thank Ed later. Definitely. This is going very well, especially as I’m trying to impress Julie, which I’d say is working right now. I bet I hook up with her tonight.

The great thing about meeting someone on a camping trip is that she doesn’t have any preconceived notions about you. You get to present the best version of yourself, which is the one she wants to hook up with. And that version is the guy who was funny when we were pitching our tents and then was kind of aloof and mysterious when we were looking for firewood and is now cool and confident on water skis. I wisely didn’t complain about my allergies or mention my fear of snakes at all. All of this is flashing through my head as I smile for the camera.

The look on my face says that I’m not worried about anything. Waterskiing is easier than I thought it would be. Why didn’t I try this earlier? I’m posing for the camera. I’m waving with one hand. This is one of the coolest moments of my life, no question about that. I’m looking right into the lens of the camera, which is why I don’t see the oncoming wake, where I probably should be looking.