This Heart of Mine (20 page)

She opened the door but didn’t get out. “How about on Sunday?”

“I’m free. Jake’s usually available on Sundays, too, but I’ll check with him.” He wanted to have dinner with her regardless, but he hoped she made better spaghetti than she did cookies.

“Let me know.”

“I will.” He put the transmission in Park. “Would you mind if I quickly checked out your trailer?”

She hesitated. “For...”

He thought of the hostility in his earlier exchange with the Mansfields. “I don’t trust Buddy.”

“Everything’s been pretty quiet lately.”

“It’ll just take a second,” he said, and felt much better once he’d walked through her place and saw that it appeared to be undisturbed.

He’d said good-night and was about to return to his truck when she surprised him by slipping her arms around his waist and giving him a quick squeeze.

“Thanks for everything but...I especially want to thank you for saying you believe me about...what happened seventeen years ago,” she said. Then she smiled as he stepped outside and she closed the door.

18

“Y
ou’re shopping for a
bikini
?” Jake asked.

Riley had known Jake was in the kitchen, making himself a snack before bed. But he’d been too immersed in what he was doing to realize his son had come up behind him.

He minimized the website where he’d been browsing for swimsuits, but that left Phoenix’s Etsy site on the screen, which was worse. He was so tired of seeing Jake and Kyle wearing one of Phoenix’s bracelets when
he
didn’t have one that he’d been tempted to place an order. He’d actually considered placing
several
orders so she’d have the money to buy a suit and take the weekend off for his birthday. He just hadn’t figured out where he could have those bracelets shipped without revealing himself.

“And aren’t those Mom’s bracelets?” Jake sounded even more perplexed.

“I wanted to see what she’s working on.” He got up to grab a beer. He was hoping to distract Jake from the computer. Closing out of Etsy, too, as if he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t, would only make his interest that much more obvious.

“So that’s what you’ve been doing all night?”

“No. Of course not. I’ve been working, for the most part.” He
had
done some work, but he’d also spent more time than he wanted to admit on sites that related, in one way or another, to Phoenix. First, he’d done some cursory searching for Penny Sawyer. He wanted to talk to her, see what she had to say about Lori’s death now that seventeen years had passed. He couldn’t help wondering if she’d change her story.

But he hadn’t found anyone by the name of Penny Sawyer, so he assumed she was married and going by a different last name. Or she wasn’t on Facebook, which was where he’d thought he might be able to track her down.

When he hadn’t succeeded, he’d migrated to Phoenix’s Etsy shop, considered ordering some bracelets, then set that aside to shop for swimsuits. He’d come across several options he thought would look great on Phoenix’s small, compact body, but he wasn’t sure what to do, since she’d made it clear that he’d better not buy her one.

“Mom’s doing pretty well, isn’t she?” Jake asked. “I mean, she left me a message on Facebook that she’s got forty dollars she wants to give me. Do you think I can take it?”

“I don’t see why not. It’s fine to accept a little something every once in a while, if she offers. Just don’t do it often and be careful not to let her give you too much. I’m sure you’ve noticed that she’d be willing to sacrifice everything. But she needs her money—she’s got some serious rebuilding to do.”

“That’s what I was thinking. I told her I don’t need anything, that it wasn’t necessary. But she wouldn’t listen.”

Forty dollars would have been half the price of a swimsuit, and Jake had everything he needed. But Riley understood. Jake was Phoenix’s priority right now.

Jake maximized the swimsuit website on Riley’s computer while Riley leaned up against the counter. “So which one are you going to get?” A mischievous grin curved his lips when he glanced up. “I think you’d look good in the white one, but please don’t wear it in front of
my
friends.”

Riley scowled at him. “Stop it.”

Jake continued to chuckle, just to needle him, but when he’d had enough of that, he grew serious. “You like her, don’t you?”

“Phoenix?”

“No, my English teacher,” he said with a roll of his eyes.

As usual, Jake wouldn’t let him get away with anything. Kids were so damn smart these days, so quick to catch on to the smallest nuance. “Okay, yes. I like her.”

His cheek dimpled with another grin. “I could tell when we were in the pool.”

Riley was already up against his parents’ disapproval—and he could imagine what everyone else he knew would think. But he wasn’t sure what Jake might say. “Does it bother you?”

“It worries me,” he admitted. “I definitely didn’t see it coming, ’cause the last time you guys got together things didn’t work out so good.”

“It wasn’t all bad. We created you. And you know what you mean to both of us.”

Jake pulled out a chair and sank into it. “Do you think she’d ever take you back?”

“No.”

“I’m not convinced of that. I can tell she doesn’t
want
to care about you, but...”

Riley took a sip of his beer. “But...”

“She does.”

“How do you know?”

“You’d have to be blind
not
to see it. In her opinion, you can walk on water.”

Riley could see that she held him in high esteem. She treated him as if he was someone special and always had. But she’d lost all confidence in her ability to be loved, and in his ability to love her. Without that confidence she’d never respond to him. “Even if that’s true, she’d be better off if I left her alone.”

“How do you figure?”

“I hurt her before. Badly. I don’t want to do that again.”

“Then don’t,” he said.

To Jake, life was just that simple. Riley shook his head. “When you get with another person...you don’t always know how it’ll end. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover before we make any serious decisions.”

“You have to start somewhere.”

“This is different because of what she’s been through and my role in it. And if we become a couple, it would affect you—whether it works or not.”

He lifted both hands. “Don’t use me as your excuse.”

“My
excuse
?”

“To play it safe. You’ve never been together, not in my lifetime, so I can’t be too disappointed if it
doesn’t
work out. I think you should take the chance.”

Letting his breath go in a long sigh, he studied the liquid in his bottle. “We’ll see.”

* * *

Jacob dropped by Phoenix’s place after practice on Wednesday, after his home game on Thursday and after school, since practice was canceled, on Friday. Phoenix had wanted to have his room perfect before he saw it, but he became a part of that process instead. They painted together and fixed things together. She was so impressed with what Riley had taught him. Jacob could do almost anything when it came to home repairs or construction. At only sixteen, he was teaching her what they could do to improve her home.

Sometimes she’d make him dinner if Riley wasn’t back from work yet. She didn’t have a TV or gaming system, so the home improvements gave them something to do while they talked.

On Friday, he called Tristan and had him come out, since Tristan wanted a bracelet. Then Jake used his smartphone to go on Facebook and show her the girl he was taking to prom.

Phoenix loved every minute she got to spend with her son. It all seemed rather idyllic—until he was leaving Friday night. She’d just walked him to his Jeep when Lizzie called out from her landing.

“Aren’t you ever going to come see your grandma?”

Obviously, she wasn’t talking to Phoenix. And, as usual, her voice sounded harsh. Guessing that Jake wouldn’t know how to respond, Phoenix whispered, “Maybe you could say a quick hi. You don’t have to do any more than that.”

He was just getting used to having his mother in his life. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by trying to force a relationship with his grandmother, too. But at the same time, she knew how much it would mean to her mother to see him.

With an uncertain glance, he moved into the clearing. “Hi.”

Lizzie gave him the once-over from her safe place behind the door. “You’re getting big.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’ll be a senior next year.”

“You’ve been coming by a lot.”

There was a brief silence, but before Phoenix could jump in, he said, “My mom lives here now.”

“
I’ve
lived here forever,” Lizzie said, the statement an accusation of neglect.

“Mom!” Phoenix began, but Jake cut her off.

“Right. We’ve never really had the chance to get to know each other.”

She said nothing, and he pulled his keys out again. But she stopped him. “I have five dogs if you’d like to see them.”

“He’ll have to see them another time, Mom. He’s got to head home,” Phoenix said, but Jake surprised her by starting toward Lizzie’s trailer.

“I can take a few minutes,” he told her in an aside.

Phoenix couldn’t help feeling panicked at the thought of him going inside that house. She was afraid he’d be so put off by what he saw that he’d be hesitant to come by again for fear that Lizzie would demand he visit with her, too.

“Jake, she has a problem,” she murmured, and insisted he wait while she got the dogs herself.

Jake was sitting on the trailer steps when she returned with her mother’s pets. He seemed to like them; he played with them while Lizzie stood in the doorway, peering out. She’d ask him a question every few seconds, and he’d answer. Overall, it went much better than Phoenix had feared. But when her mother suggested he come in to see her hamsters, she intervened with more authority.

“No, that’s it for tonight,” she said. “I don’t want to make his father wonder why he’s not home.”

“Can’t he call? Doesn’t he have a cell phone like all the other kids these days?” Lizzie demanded. “If not, I’ve got a landline.”

Apparently, she was enjoying Jake’s company, even though Phoenix knew she’d deny it later.

“He has called,” Phoenix said. “He was supposed to go home thirty minutes ago. Let’s not get him in trouble.” Jake had checked in with his dad, so it wasn’t imperative that he leave right away. But she’d encouraged him to get moving because she hadn’t wanted to make Riley feel their son was spending too much time with her.

“Fine!” With that, Lizzie called in the dogs and slammed the door.

“I’m sorry. She should’ve at least said goodbye,” Phoenix whispered, but Jacob grinned as if he didn’t mind and took her hand as they walked to his truck.

“I’m so lucky to have a son like you,” she blurted when he let go. “I love you.”

She’d meant to hold back that last part. She was afraid it was too soon, that he’d squirm in discomfort. But he turned to give her a hug.

“I’m glad you’re home,” he said.

“I hope my being here isn’t upsetting your father. You’d tell me if anything I’m doing is causing you problems with him, right?”

“You’re not causing problems. Dad really likes you. He’s looking forward to dinner on Sunday.”

“I bet!” she said with a laugh.

Jake opened his door. “I’m serious. He’s mentioned it to me several times.”

“I didn’t mean to be sarcastic,” she said. “I like him, too. You’ve got a good father.”

He studied his keys before looking up at her again. “Do you think if he ever asked you out you’d go?”

She’d been so careful to hide her feelings. Had Jake noticed something in the way she watched Riley or spoke about him?

“Oh, no,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m not the right kind of woman for him.”

“So...who would be the right kind of woman?” he asked.

“Someone without a rap sheet,” she joked, hoping to keep this conversation from becoming too intense.

“You said you didn’t kill Lori.”

“I didn’t. But your grandparents are close friends with the Mansfields, which puts your father in a tough spot. He wants to be fair to me, but doing that risks other important relationships.”

“Sometimes, when you really want to be with someone, it’s hard to worry about all that other stuff.”

“I would never allow him to jeopardize those relationships even if he was willing to, which I’m sure he’s not. He’ll find someone eventually, but that won’t be me.” She wished Riley would hurry up and get himself a girlfriend. Maybe then it would be easier to convince her heart to follow her head.

Jake didn’t seem to know where to go with that. “Well, I hope you won’t be mad if he buys you a swimsuit.”

“Why would he buy me a swimsuit?” she asked.

“Never mind,” he said.

* * *

Phoenix could hardly keep her eyes open. After Jacob left, she’d ridden her bike over to Kyle’s office to use one of his computers and had been there for most of the night. The sun would be rising in a couple of hours, and she had a long Saturday ahead of her making bracelets, but she didn’t want to quit when she was so close to being done. Riley had emailed her a hundred or more photos of Jacob growing up, which she’d been using to make a digital album for Riley’s birthday next weekend. Cara, the prison guard who’d helped her run her business when she was in the Central California Women’s Facility, had brought one in to show off her grandchildren before Phoenix was released, and Phoenix had fallen in love with the concept.

She was afraid Riley might already have one, but she couldn’t think of anything she could afford to give him that he might like as much. And there was a certain amount of artistry involved, so he couldn’t have one
exactly
like hers.

The only problem was the difficulty of figuring out the program. Although the work was easy—once she’d learned how to import the photos, crop and turn them and use all the special graphics—this was the first album she’d ever attempted. It’d had taken hours to get each page the way she wanted it.

With a tired sigh, she checked the utilitarian clock that hung on the wall. It was nearly four. Kyle had stopped by to say hello and good-night when he went to bed around eleven. She wanted to be gone when he woke up. But he returned before she could leave, wearing nothing but some jeans he’d obviously pulled on so he could walk outside.

“You’re still here?”

She minimized the photo album, which she’d been looking through one final time. Kyle would probably see it at Riley’s birthday party. She planned to give it to Riley before he went to Lake Melones, if it came in time. But she didn’t want Kyle to realize how long and hard she’d labored over it. The number of hours she’d invested would seem disproportionate to her relationship—or lack of a relationship—with Riley.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m almost finished.”

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s not as if you’re bothering me.”

“Then why are you out of bed in the middle of the night?”

“I got up to go to the bathroom, saw the light and thought maybe you’d fallen asleep out here.”

“No. But I’m getting anxious to find my bed.”