This Heart of Mine (15 page)

Where had
he
come from? Apparently, he hadn’t left as she’d assumed. But she had no idea why she hadn’t spotted him before. She supposed it was because, once she felt comfortable that there was no one at the bar she had to worry about, she’d quit looking. And it had been more crowded when she’d first arrived.

So where was Kyle? He wasn’t around. Riley sat with some guy she didn’t recognize.

Curving her lips in a polite smile when their eyes connected, she nodded a hello just as someone else came up to ask her to dance. It was a guy who was almost falling-down drunk, someone she’d been trying to avoid. But letting him lead her onto the dance floor gave her an excuse for not walking over to speak to Riley. She allowed the inebriated stranger to pull her into his arms for a Journey song.

As they turned in a rather clumsy circle, she closed her eyes so she wouldn’t be tempted to keep searching for Riley. She needed to let him do whatever he pleased—and to do whatever
she
pleased for a change. But the man she was dancing with kept hugging her too tight and lowering his hands.

“Stop it,” she hissed, forcing him to loosen his hold when he touched her ass.

“What’s the matter?” With a knowing grin, he pressed her against his arousal, and she nearly broke their embrace. She remembered the thought she’d had a week or so ago—that she should go to Sexy Sadie’s and pick someone up, just to see what sex as a full-fledged adult was like. She was hungry for meaningful touch. But she saw how empty such a cheap substitute would leave her.

Who knew? White trash or not, she wasn’t the type to go home with a stranger. She supposed that was good information to have about herself.

Frustrated with his groping, she lifted his hands and placed them on her waist yet again. “I won’t be able to dance with you if you don’t quit feeling me up,” she said. She would’ve left him on the dance floor, but she didn’t want Riley to think she was in trouble again.

“What, are you some kind of prude?” he grumbled.

“No, I’m not interested.”

“Come on. Give a poor guy a break,” he said, and nuzzled her neck.

Before she could react, Riley appeared and tapped her partner on the shoulder. “My turn, friend,” he said.

“What?” The guy had to squint to even see him clearly.

“I said I’ll take it from here.”

The interruption seemed to confuse her partner, but Riley acted as if he had every right, so the guy didn’t argue. He muttered something about not realizing she was with someone and stumbled off.

Relieved but confused as to why Riley would help her out—it wasn’t as if she were in true danger, like she’d been with Buddy—Phoenix offered him a grateful smile. “Thanks,” she said, and started to make her way to the edge of the dance floor.

He caught her by the elbow. “Whoa! Where are you going? The song’s not over yet.”

She felt her eyebrows slide up. “Does it matter?”

“I came out to dance,” he replied, and slipped his arms around her waist.

“This isn’t a good idea,” she said, but she swayed with him to the music so they wouldn’t draw any attention.

“Why not?”

Lowering her voice, she sent a covert glance around them. “We shouldn’t be seen together, especially in a place like this.”

“It’s a bar. Everyone goes here.”

“Exactly. And this week you punched out the guy who was tormenting me, which doesn’t look good.”

“I stopped a bully from beating up on a woman. How is that bad?”

“You endangered yourself in the process. People might assume the wrong thing.”

“Which would be...?”

“That you care.”

“Maybe I do,” he said with a boyish grin.

He’d also had too much to drink. He wasn’t sloppy drunk like the other guy, but he couldn’t be thinking clearly.

“How have you been after that...altercation?” His nose seemed to be back to normal. “I’ve been wondering.”

“So you had to check in to see if I was okay, huh?”

She heard the sarcasm in his voice. “Kyle told me you were fine.”

“Have you heard from him?”

“Buddy? Or Kyle?” He was wearing cologne, and it was a scent she liked...

“Buddy. I know you’re going to Kyle’s every night.”

“Does he mind?”

“Of course not. But we were talking about Buddy.”

“He hasn’t bothered me since.”

“That’s the way it should be.”

He swayed too far to one side, and she had to catch him. “I hope you’re not planning to drive,” she told him.

“I have a friend here. He’s the DD. But you can give me a ride if you want.”

“That’s okay. I’m guessing you’d be a bit heavy for me to pedal.”

He laughed. “We’ll toss your bike into the bed of his truck and give
you
a ride.”

“I can get home on my own, thank you.” For the sake of appearances, as much as anything else, she kept her body stiff instead of melting into him.

“Can you relax?” he murmured.

“We can’t get too close,” she said, even though no one seemed to be paying any attention.

“We’re just
dancing
, Phoenix. It’s not like we’re making love.”

That comment made her miss a step. Just being in his arms felt...intimate. She wasn’t sure why dancing with him would be so different from dancing with other guys, but it most definitely was.

She cleared her throat as she struggled to stifle the memories that were quickly surfacing—of his mouth on her breast, his hand between her legs, the weight of his body pressing her into the mattress.

“I didn’t see you when I came in.” She spoke to help staunch the flow of those erotic images.

“That’s good.”

“Why’s it
good
?” she asked.

“Because you probably wouldn’t have stayed.”

“I’m not blaming you for anything.”

“So you say.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“You cringe whenever I get close.”

“I’m giving you your space. I wouldn’t want you to feel as if...”

“As if you still want me. We’ve been over this. You don’t. Not even a little bit. But do you have to prove it by dancing ten feet away?”

“I’m not ten feet away.”

“You might as well be, you’re so prickly and defensive.”

She had her reasons. But she didn’t want to sound accusatory. “I’m not prickly. I’ve been very nice.”

He chuckled. “You could be nicer.”

She was afraid of where this conversation was going. “Were you here?” she asked, changing the subject.

“When?”

“Earlier.”

“I left for a bit.”

“Where’d you go?”

“I was with Kyle and some of my other friends, but they were tired and wanted to go home. Then Sean, a subcontractor I use on occasion, called me up and wanted me to go out.”

When the song ended, he didn’t let go, even though she tried to step away. “One more,” he told her as P!nk’s “Glitter in the Air” started up.

As she slid her arms around his neck again, she wished she was as immune to his touch as she needed to be. But he aroused such a deluge of hormones in her, she felt drunk herself.

Hang on. It’ll only be another two or three minutes.
Then she could put some distance between them and repair her defenses. “Where’s Jacob tonight?”

“Home asleep.”

Somehow he’d brought her closer. Those words were spoken with his mouth at her temple.

Think of something else—anything but him.
“You don’t have to work tomorrow?”

“Not early. Not until noon.”

He tried to settle her against him and scowled when she resisted. “You’re dancing like a robot,” he told her. “Will you quit fighting me?”

He seemed satisfied when she gave in. But she felt her heart speed up, could hear its rapid beating in her ears as he drew her fully against him. And suddenly she couldn’t think of anything else to talk about. Nothing that would distract her from the warmth and firmness of his body.

Resting her cheek on his chest, she concentrated on stifling the desire that welled up.
You can’t feel that way about him
, she kept telling herself. She’d be asking for a world of hurt if she even
considered
Riley in a sexual context. But his hands slid up her back, as if he was enjoying their embrace. And although he wasn’t groping her like that other guy, it all felt very...significant. So significant that she feared this simple slow dance could knock her back to where she’d been seventeen years ago.

She
had
to retain control, had to maintain an absolute “no” where he was concerned. “Hang on...”

“What’d you say?”

She hadn’t realized she’d spoken aloud. “Nothing.”

He tilted her chin up so she had to look at him. “You know I’m sorry, right?”

“Riley, we’re dancing too close. Someone’s going to see us and assume the wrong thing. They might even tell your parents, and then you’ll have another argument on your hands like the one at the ballpark.”

“I won’t let my parents dictate how I live my life. We’re not eighteen anymore, Phoenix.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you should stop worrying about everyone else.”

“I
have
to worry about everyone else. You seem to have forgotten that you’re making yourself vulnerable to criticism, disapproval and dislike.”

“I’m not afraid.”

She glanced around the bar. “You would be if you knew what it was like. Being with me could...could cause the whole town to turn on you. If Jacob’s with you, they might understand why you’re speaking to me. But you should keep your distance when he’s not.”

“What if I don’t want to keep my distance?” he asked.

She couldn’t convince him when he was in this state. Obviously, nothing mattered except the alcohol in his blood, the music and the sense of being able to do
anything
and get away with it. “You’re drunk. You don’t mean any of this.”

“Maybe it’s what I mean the most.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

He caught her chin again. “Just tell me this. Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

“You broke up with me when we were eighteen. It would’ve been nothing if I could’ve walked away as easily as you did.”

“But you stood by your heart. Your feelings.”

“So? You meant more to me than I did to you. You can’t help that.”

“I listened to the wrong people, Phoenix. I loved you. I want you to know I did love you.”

Damn it!
Just that easily, she felt all jittery inside. She’d wanted to hear him say those words for so long, wanted him to confirm that she hadn’t been as alone in their relationship as it had seemed by the end. Everyone had treated her like such a fool for thinking Riley could ever care about
her
.

But this was more than vindication. This was...inviting that old craving to eat her up again. The same desires that’d driven her in the past still lurked inside her—like a monster that slipped back into the shadows whenever she tried to slay it.

“Thanks for that.” She stopped talking then and hoped he would, too. She was afraid of what he might say next, and how she might respond. She couldn’t worry about the past, or try to resurrect it. She had to focus on the present, and in the present she had every reason to fight what she was feeling.

“You smell good,” Riley whispered. Then their bodies moved even closer, and she was completely lost, swallowed up in this moment with him and those poignant lyrics: “Have you ever wished for an endless night...”

She was wishing for one now, and that was why she finally pushed him away. He made her heart yearn for things she couldn’t have.

There was no reason to put herself through the torture. No reason she had to let her weakness for one man break her heart all over again.

“It’s late. I’ve got to go,” she said, and hurried to the exit without giving him a chance to respond.

14

P
hoenix waited anxiously at Just Like Mom’s for Jacob to arrive. She looked her best, felt ready in that regard. But she hoped Riley wouldn’t accompany their son. Surely, now that he’d had a chance to sober up, he would see it was better if they didn’t spend time together. It would be far too easy to fall back into a physical relationship. Easy for her because she’d never really gotten over him. And easy for him because he didn’t seem to have anyone else in his bed at the moment. His need and her longing could create another lopsided relationship, if she let it.

But it wasn’t Jacob’s Jeep that turned into the drive. It was Riley’s truck—and, just like two weeks ago, both Jacob and Riley got out.

“Can’t I ever catch a break?” she muttered.

“Did you say something?” the woman next to her asked.

Phoenix shook her head. “No. Sorry.”

The hostess called for the next party and Phoenix prepared herself for Riley and Jacob to walk in, but she was nervous about facing Riley. She wanted to act as if last night had never happened. And maybe that wouldn’t be hard. Riley couldn’t have enjoyed dancing with her as much as it seemed—no more than he would’ve enjoyed dancing with any other woman.

“Morning,” she said to Jacob as they came through the door.

Jacob hugged her, and Riley seemed about to do the same. It would’ve been the standard “hello” embrace, nothing significant. But she pretended she didn’t recognize his intent and stepped back before he could touch her. He really did have to be careful about getting close to her, especially in public—or he’d learn what it was like to be an outcast.

“Thanks for coming,” she said. “I was afraid you’d decide to sleep in.”

Riley was wearing a pair of sunglasses. He’d straightened when she dodged him but said nothing.

“You look great,” Jacob said.

She squeezed his arm. “Thanks. I got my stitches out, so that’s good.”

“You went back to the doctor?”

“No, I took them out myself. I didn’t need a doctor for that.” She pulled her hair away so he could see the red line—all that was left of her injury.

“You’ve got to be the toughest mom in the world,” Jake said with a startled laugh.

“It wasn’t hard,” she said. “All I felt was a little tug.”

Riley didn’t comment, but he took off his sunglasses as the hostess approached and, once Phoenix could see his eyes, she guessed he had a hangover. “Three for breakfast?” the hostess asked.

Riley answered before Phoenix could. “Yes, and we’d prefer a booth if you can arrange it.”

“No problem. I have a party that’s finishing up now.” She looked across the restaurant, saw that a busboy was in the process of cleaning the table she’d had in mind and grabbed three menus. “Actually, we can go over.”

“Are you excited about your game on Tuesday?” Phoenix asked Jacob as they settled into the booth.

He sat down across from her; Riley sat beside him.

“I am,” Jake said. “Will you be able to make it?”

She smiled. “You bet. I wouldn’t miss it.”

Riley lowered his menu, which he had immediately opened. “How will you get there? It’s too far to ride a bike.”

He seemed remote this morning—definitely not the charmer she’d danced with last night. Maybe he regretted some of the things he’d said, was afraid she’d taken them too seriously. “I’ll hire a car.”

“You’d rather pay good money than ride with me?”

“It’s not that I’d
rather
pay, it’s just...” She glanced at Jacob, who was watching her expectantly, before returning her attention to Riley. “I don’t want to put you out. And I’d rather not give your parents any more reason to be upset with you.”

“There’s no need to get a taxi,” he insisted. “My parents won’t even be there.”

“They could easily hear that we rode together.” What would she and Riley do once they reached the game? Sit on opposite bleachers? That would seem unfriendly after traveling in the same vehicle. And yet she couldn’t sit
with
him, or everyone from Whiskey Creek who did show up would wonder if they were getting back together.

“They’ll live,” he said with a shrug.

The waitress came over with their water. “Hey, Riley. Jake.” Her eyes shifted to Phoenix and, when she realized they didn’t know each other, she merely said, “Good morning.”

“Morning,” Phoenix murmured.

She took out her pad. “You ready to order?”

“We haven’t had a chance to look at the menu yet,” Riley told her. “Can you give us another minute or two?”

“Sure.” She treated him to a flirtatious smile before sashaying off.

“Did you see that?” Jake said with a nudge for his father.

“
I
did,” Phoenix said. “It appears that our waitress finds your father very attractive.”

“Marley’s all of twenty-two,” Riley grumbled. “Closer to Jake’s age than mine.”

“She’s pretty, though,” Phoenix said. “And age isn’t everything.”

He frowned. “Thanks for letting me know,” he said sarcastically and, once again, picked up the menu.

If he wanted a physical relationship, he had options that didn’t include her. Despite his sarcasm, she didn’t see any harm in pointing that out. Maybe it would give him an outlet until they could adjust to being in the same town. “I’m sure she’s not your only admirer.”

“I’m aware of what’s available to me—and what isn’t,” he said.

She’d been looking forward to this breakfast with too much anticipation to let Riley’s bad mood sour her own. So, drawing a deep breath, she ignored the dark shadow he cast over their morning.

“I had a good week, dozens of customers, so order to your heart’s content,” she said, trying to tempt them both with her enthusiasm. “
I
might even get the Belgian waffle.”

“You should. It’s amazing,” Jake told her, and asked his father to let him out of the booth.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To the bathroom. If the waitress comes while I’m gone, order the waffle for me, okay?”

“Today, breakfast is my treat,” Riley said when Jake was gone.

“No, it’s not,” she insisted. “You’re here at my invitation.”

“You invited Jake, not me.”

“I’ve told you before that you’re welcome to come to anything I do with him.” She reached into her purse and pulled out the check she had for him. “And you’ll be happy to see that I can put quite a bit more toward his care this week.”

He stared at the amount. “
Seven hundred dollars?
That’s a lot of money, Phoenix.”

“I know.” She beamed at him; it felt so good to be able to contribute in a significant way. “You’ll have to take out what I owe for the doctor bill first. But the rest is for Jake. It’s not cheap to have a kid in sports.”

“I don’t want your money,” he said. “You don’t even have a phone. Or a car.”

She sat up straighter, taken aback by the edge in his voice. “I have a son. That’s my first priority.”

“Except your son isn’t lacking for anything. Just get your business established, okay?” He shoved the check back at her. “Jake and I are fine.”

“I doubt seven hundred dollars is going to buy me much of a car,” she said, pushing it over to him again.

“It’ll get you a phone,” he pointed out, and this time he tore it up.

She folded her hands in her lap. “I can get by without a phone for a while longer. Jake and I are communicating pretty regularly through Facebook.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that Buddy could show up at your trailer, and you might need to call for help? Or that I might like to check in now and then to make sure you’re okay?”

“A phone is on my list. I just have a number of things to cover right now.”

“Exactly my point.”

“I would think you’d be grateful that I’m putting my obligation to you and Jake first.” She took a drink of water. “Or is it your hangover that has you a bit...out of sorts? I didn’t take anything you said or did last night to heart, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He didn’t answer right away. He just stared at her while turning his water glass around.

“I’m trying very hard to stay out of your way,” she added.

“God, Phoenix.” He pressed three fingers to his forehead. “I don’t know what to do.”

His exasperated tone made her slightly nervous. “About...”

“I can’t get those few minutes on the dance floor off my mind.”

Afraid that Jacob might be on his way back, she glanced in the direction of the bathrooms. Fortunately, she didn’t see him. “Why?” she asked, as if she hadn’t given it a second thought.

“You felt
nothing
?”

She took another sip of water. “If you’re talking about that guy who was groping me, I...I’m grateful you stepped in. It’s been seventeen years, but even I’m not
that
desperate,” she joked.

His jaw hardened. “You’re purposely misunderstanding me.”

“Nothing else happened.”

He lowered his voice. “I wanted to sleep with you. I know that’s not fair to you, after everything you’ve been through, which is why I feel like shit—both for having that desire and for admitting it. But there it is. The truth.”

She curved her fingernails into her palms. “You were drunk.”

“And now?”

What was he saying? And why was he saying it? “It’s the allure of the taboo.”

“The allure of the taboo,” he repeated with a skeptical laugh.

“Yes. You’re attracted to the one thing that’s not good for you. Or maybe it’s—” she grasped for the explanation she’d been giving herself “—that sense of loss some people feel when a person who’s always adored them moves on. They can’t bear to lose the attention, even though they didn’t want that person to begin with.”

“I’m not vain enough to expect you to adore me without anything in return,” he said with a grimace.

She looked around for Jake again. “Fine. Come up with your own explanation. Or just...ignore the temptation and it’ll go away. It did last time.”

He sat back. “So you
are
holding the past against me.”

“No, I’m... I didn’t mean that,” she said, growing flustered. “I apologize that my homecoming is so difficult on everyone, but I’m trying to make it as easy as possible.”

“Which is what you’re doing now?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re shutting me down.”

“I can’t believe you just said that. I’m not shutting you down. You don’t really want me!”

“How do
you
know what I want?”

“I don’t feel any resentment, but we’ve been through this, remember?”

“We’re different people these days.”

“Not really. So one of us has to keep the other from making a terrible mistake.”

“
Terrible
mistake? Thank God you’re so vigilant.”

She leaned toward him. “Are you being sarcastic again?”

He sighed. “The thought of us...what it was like...must have crossed your mind, too. You just said it’s been seventeen years since you’ve been with a man.”

“I haven’t been with a woman, either—in case you’re wondering. My mother has certainly been curious about that. But I can wait a bit longer to get together with a guy. Until Jake’s in college, anyway.”

“So I’m the only one who’s ever touched you,” Riley said.

Too uncomfortable to continue the conversation, she jumped up. “I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom, too,” she said, and made sure Jacob was back in his seat when she returned.

* * *

What was he doing?

Riley had no idea. His head was pounding despite the ibuprofen he’d popped before coming to the restaurant. His mouth was dry no matter how much water he drank. He had six to eight hours of physical labor ahead of him remodeling a kitchen, which wouldn’t be easy in his current condition. And he was confused as hell.

Should he have kept his mouth shut about what he was feeling? Had he scared Phoenix away?

Probably. But maybe that was what he’d subconsciously meant to do. If she’d been the least bit receptive last night...who could say what might’ve happened?

He didn’t want to hurt her again. He knew that much. He hated how badly he’d hurt her in the past.

“Can she, Dad?”

Jerking himself out of his thoughts, Riley paused with his fork halfway to his mouth to look over at his son. Jacob had been telling Phoenix about a friend who’d smashed his hand in a car door and torn off a finger. It wasn’t a pleasant conversation to have while eating, but Riley hadn’t wanted to interrupt. Phoenix seemed eager to hear whatever Jacob cared to tell her, so he’d tuned it out. “Can she what?”

“Come over tonight. I told her you’d barbecue some ribs for dinner, and we could watch movies after.”

“Um, sure.” He didn’t mind doing some grilling, but he doubted Phoenix would agree to come—not after last night.

“That’s okay,” she told Jacob, right on cue. “It’s the weekend. Your father might have other plans.”

“He doesn’t go out that much anymore,” Jake said. “I’m always telling him to find someone to date. He’ll be alone after I go to college. But I can’t remember the last time he even brought a woman home.”

“Your mother doesn’t need a recap of my love life, Jake.” Riley had gone out last night, hadn’t he? And lived to regret it.

“I’m just saying you’d
like
to barbecue, right?”

Riley finished his orange juice. “I’m happy to do it.”

“See?” Jacob looked back at Phoenix, but when she hesitated, he said, “Don’t you
want
to come?”

Riley knew, the second Jake asked that question, Phoenix would do all she could to reassure him.

“Of course I
want
to come!” she said. “What time?”

Jake turned to him. “Six?”

“Sounds good to me,” he said.

Phoenix smiled but Riley could tell there was more than a little trepidation behind it. “I’ll be there.”

“I’ll pick you up,” Jake told her, and she nodded.

When the waitress came, Riley paid for breakfast, despite Phoenix’s protests. Then, as they were walking out, Jake ran into a friend from school and paused to say hello, which gave Riley another private moment with Phoenix.

“Don’t worry about tonight,” he murmured.

“I can’t help worrying,” she said.