Things Lost In The Fire (6 page)

“I ran,” Sadie replied, irritated with herself. “At the time I had no choice, but I could’ve come back. I was—am—just too afraid.”

“Well, maybe this is one of those ‘everything happens for a reason’ things,” Tess suggested. “You kept your distance for a long time, but then Valerie gets sick and you make up your mind to come back. And maybe while you’re here, you’ll discover some reasons to stay for good this time.”

“I don’t know about that.” Sadie laughed, nervous at the thought. She took her hand back and drank more wine.

“Hey, you never know,” Tess mused. “Maybe you’ll wake up tomorrow and feel brave enough to try out the stage.”

Sadie coughed and shot her friend a horrified look. “No way. Absolutely not.”

Tess chuckled, her shoulders lifting in a shrug. “Just a thought. You know, you really are good. People love you. Well, they love Piper Gray.”

“What if someone recognizes me?” Sadie asked, mortified by the thought. “My cover’ll be blown. I’ll have to shut down my page, get rid of all my videos. I’ll never be able to sing again.”

Tess looked at her for a long moment. When she spoke, there was curiosity in her voice. “Why do you think you can’t sing as Sadie McRae? Why can you only sing as Piper?”

“Because then my parents will find out, and the press will be crawling all over my grandparents’ house, demanding interviews and pictures of me. My life will be over. I don’t want the spotlight. It scares me more than anything else in the entire world.”

Tess nodded. “I get that. But I really don’t see the harm in doing a couple shows as Piper Gray. No one’s going to think twice about you being anyone other than who you say you are. It’ll be fun for you, and it’s a risk I think you’re ready to take.”

Sadie’s lips parted in a silent retort, though she couldn’t find the words. She turned away and sipped her wine instead, draining the glass. She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“You’re thinking about it though, aren’t you?” Tess pushed, eager now. “C’mon, I know the guy that manages The L.A. Rock Lounge. It’s just down the street and it’s not that big of a place, so it’ll be a low key show. I bet we’d sell out the second we made the announcement. People have been
begging
for a Piper Gray live show.”

“I know.” Sadie bit her lip, her heart galloping at the thought. “I’m scared, Tess. What if I mess up? What if they hate it?”

“You won’t and they already love you, so don’t worry about it. You have talent, girl. It’s in your freaking genes.” Tess rose to her feet and slipped Sadie’s empty wine glass from her hand. “Now go take that shower while I order pizza and pour us more wine.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Sadie teetered to her feet, buzzed from the wine and giddy at the thought of performing. She carried the nerves with her into the shower, surprised she couldn’t wipe the silly grin off her face.

SHE DRIFTED over the lake in her grandfather’s canoe. Her arm stretched out over the side, her fingertips desperate for a taste of the calm, cool water. It should have been so close, and yet it seemed to fall away, almost like a mirage.

Sadie kept her balance with her other arm, her weight causing the side of the boat to drop deeply into the water as she reached. Tendrils of her honeyed hair spilled over her shoulders, caressing the skin of her arms.

Almost there. Almost…

Beneath the waters she could see nothing but a haze of murky blue. It only frustrated her more. Had she floated too far from her cove? Where was she?

The sound of pealing laughter ripped through the silence. Sadie pulled her arm back and turned, finding herself in her mother’s kitchen with its white cabinets and marble counters. It was like being dropped into the middle of a circus. The contrast of it dazed her, until she realized she was no longer sitting in the canoe at all. She was standing in that kitchen, a naïve, barefoot teenager. Looming over her were the monsters with hunger glazing their dark eyes.

Valerie draped over Lee Walker’s right shoulder, her fingertips tracing the collar of his black leather jacket. Other nameless, faceless horrors hovered behind them, mere shadows in the chaos. Their presence sent a quivering hum of dark energy over her skin.

Though her lips were moving, Valerie’s words were nothing but dull vibrations. She tipped her head back for a laugh, releasing an odd, echoing sound. Lee Walker smiled, his teeth eerily sharp and white as snow.

Sadie realized she held a glass of milk in her hand. She stared at it dully, trying to remember if it had worked. Had it scared him away last time?

She wanted to throw it but found her arm immobile. Her entire body was frozen in place, making her a mere witness to the circus before her. Just like before, she had nowhere to run. And when Lee lunged forward with bloodlust in his eyes, all she could do was cower and scream.

Sadie exhaled sharply, forcing her eyes open. Her mind spun from the dream, lost and dazed. It took a moment before she realized she was safe. Lee Walker wasn’t there.

She was no longer fifteen, and Lee was no longer alive. None of it had been real.

Rubbing her face, she choked back a sob that rose in her throat. It’d been years since she’d had a nightmare so vivid, so extreme. Years since she’d let his face rule her imagination.

She forced herself to stare at the ceiling of the guest bedroom in an attempt to clear her mind. The room was dark except for the soft glow of moonlight that filtered in from outside. For a few moments, she basked in the comforting calm of silence.

Once her heart settled, she sat up and wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water. It was just after two in the morning. As she poured water from the faucet into a glass, she released a burdened sigh.

She couldn’t deny she blamed her mother for what happened. She probably always would. And Lee Walker was still the monster hiding under her bed, even after all these years.

No matter how much time passed, the pain didn’t fade. It never got easier to bear. Instead, it hung around her shoulders like a hundred pound weight, dragging her to the ground. Keeping her rooted within the confines of her own nightmare.

Words and sentences suddenly formed like rapid fire in her mind. Try as she did to refuse them, she couldn’t. With her breath held in her throat, she grabbed her notepad from her purse and jotted down the lyrics in her heart.

When she had them on paper, she exhaled in relief. She abandoned the water and, taking the pad with her, grabbed her guitar and went outside.

The cool night air welcomed her, as did the sparkling lights of the city. She admired them, oddly calmed by their presence. In the distance, she could hear the soft chirping of crickets and the faint hum of tires on asphalt. One sound was as familiar as the feel of her own skin, while the other more foreign than she cared to admit.

She settled into a chaise lounge with her feet up and the guitar in her lap. As she began to play, her eyes drifted upward to drink in the endless expanse of sky.

She let the song begin organically, running off the emotions that flowed through her veins. As her fingers strummed, the words tumbled from her lips in an effortless harmony.

“It won’t go, I can’t make it. These shackles, they bind for good. This monster isn’t leaving, I can’t outrun it. Why did I think I ever could?”

Her heart ached with a bittersweet longing, a cherished misery. This was her burden to bear, her albatross, the one thing she carried with her everywhere she went. Long ago she’d accepted that she would never be rid of it.

“Who says the pain heals? That the memories fade? Not ours, not yours, not mine. Instead we’re stuck in these flames, until there’s nothing left but ash…”

With a sad smile, she jotted down the additional lines and their corresponding notes. Encouraged by the healing power of music, she continued to shape and perfect her song as night gave way into morning.

S
ADIE JOLTED awake at the sound of a lawnmower starting. She glanced around the backyard in a daze, wondering where she was. When she spotted the gardener pushing a lawnmower over the grass, she jumped.

They made eye contact and he nodded politely, tipping his hat in apology for waking her. She smiled sheepishly, knowing she was bright red with embarrassment. Grabbing her guitar and notepad, she retreated back into the house and locked the door, feeling stupid.

The need for caffeine distracted her from the awkwardness she felt. She tore open the box of basic kitchen supplies she’d packed and dug out the coffee and her favorite mug. Within minutes, she was seated on the sofa in the living room, enjoying a hot cup of relief.

She flipped on the television and watched some
I Love Lucy
re-runs to distract herself. Already the nerves were starting to swim in her belly, bringing on waves of nausea.

Today she was going to visit her mother. She didn’t know what they’d talk about or what they’d do, but it was happening whether she felt up to it or not. And God, did she feel terrified. Terrified of what shape Valerie might be in, both physically and mentally. How would she cope with her mother’s notorious mood swings that had likely gotten worse since the diagnosis? How was she going to comfort and soothe someone she barely even knew?

She breathed a heavy sigh, trying to calm herself. It would be okay. It had to be.

Her cell phone rang on the coffee table. Seeing Tommy’s name on the caller-ID chased away most of her nerves.

“Hey stranger.”

“
I hear my Sadie-bug is in L.A.
,” Tommy replied, sounding cheerful as always.

“I drove in last night.” Sadie downed the last of her coffee and set it aside, curling her legs beneath her. “Speaking of, people out here suck at driving.”

He laughed. “
It’s a competitive sport, kid. You’ll get used to it.
”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to L.A. Period.”

“
You won’t be there long enough to worry about that.
” Tommy’s voice softened. “
You been by to see Val yet?
”

“No. I’m going over there today.”

“
Good luck and give her my best. I know she’ll be happy to see you.
”

“I hope so. I’d hate to have come all this way for nothing.”

“
You didn’t have to do this, we all know that. Val knows it, too.
”

She snorted. “Please. I’m sure she’s loving all the extra attention. Even if it
is
over something so scary.”

“
That’s our Val. Though when it comes to you she’s never expected much. She knows how you feel about her. You never even had to say it.
”

“Well then she must be really surprised that I offered to come visit,” Sadie retorted. “If she knows the hell she caused me, it’d be nice of her to apologize for it.”

“
Apologies have never been her thing. Don’t take it personally.
” Tommy chuckled. “
I’m actually surprised how well-rounded you are, being the offspring of the two biggest assholes I know. I mean that in an affectionate way, of course.
”

“Thank my grandparents. They saved me from becoming someone I don’t even think
I’d
recognize.” Sadie’s heart felt heavy as she said the words, knowing just how true it was. “Getting away from this place was the best thing that ever happened to me.”