Therapy (8 page)

“Let’s get out of here. I just wanted you to see, to know this part of me because I never want you to think I’m like them. I know I almost kissed you, but I swear I’m not trying to use you or be a part of some fucking scheme to set you up like Harrison did.”

He looks at me with sad eyes.

“I knew something was off when they changed the plans for the night. I’m sure they didn’t want me to be there because they knew I’d never stand by and let it happen. Yet again I was too late to save someone from getting hurt.”

Regret spreads across his face and he looks so pained.

“The weight of what they did to you was too heavy. I told Elizabeth it was over and that if she retaliated at all, I’d go to her parents and tell them what she did to you. I meant it too.”

I have no idea what to say. He looks at me in earnest and says, “You need to let me know if she does or says anything at all to you. I’m disgusted with myself for giving her the last year of my life. I knew she was a catty bitch, but that night showed me it was on another level. She’s different away from school, and I always gave her the benefit of the doubt, because there are things she has had to deal with in her life that fuel her mean streak. But regardless, what she did was inexcusable. I can’t look past that bullshit.”

Wow.

He answered all my questions with that statement.

I’m happy and sad all at the same time because now he’s feeling guilty for what happened to me, when in reality it was my fault. I’m the one who let Harrison use me. I chose to get out of my car that night, to let them have their way with me like some sacrificial lamb. I was stupid. An idiot, really. It’s not his fault, no matter when he showed up. The fact that he cared enough to help when he got there is all that matters to me in the end.

“Okay. Thank you for bringing me here, for sharing that painful part of your past with me. I promise I’ll hold all of your secrets safely inside,” I say.

We walk side by side to his truck and he opens the passenger door for me again, ever the gentleman. After he gets in and backs out of the cemetery, we drive back toward his house. We sit in an uncomfortable silence all the way there. As we pull up the drive, he finally speaks up.

“Thank you for listening. It means a lot, and I hope I didn’t scare you or anything. I don’t know why, but I trust you, Jess. I know my secrets are safe with you. If you ever want to talk, know that your secrets can be safe with me too.”

A warm smile spreads across his face and I can see life come back into his eyes. Emotions are swirling inside me and I just want to hug him, squeeze tight, and never let him go. But I refrain and just return his smile, nodding.

“Well, I guess you got saved from a good ass-kicking after all, but it’s only a temporary pardon, my friend. Tomorrow after school, meet me here and we’ll see who reigns supreme in the pool,” he teases.

Yeah, the cocky, confident Jace is back. I really like this Jace, but the other one is nice too. I look over, tilting my head to the side, and give him my best sarcastic expression.

“Okay, Mr. Big Shot Athlete. You keep telling yourself that story, but the ending still needs to be written. I’ll do that for you tomorrow—with pleasure,” I reply confidently.

He chuckles as he slides out of his seat, dropping to the ground. Being the gentleman he always seems to be, he comes around and opens my door for me. He helps me out and we have yet another awkward moment. If I’m going to keep seeing him, I hope these moments stop being weird soon.

He rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet, looking down, and then back up at me. “Um, thanks again. And about what happened in the pool? I promise it will never happen again, Jess. I really am sorry. Friends, okay?” he says with conviction and sincerity.

Why do those words feel more like a sentence rather than a caring promise? I’m glad he wants to be my friend, but I’m not sure how to do that, or if that’s all I want.

“Okay, Jace, but I have to tell you that I’ve never just been a guy’s friend before. I’m not sure how good of a friend I can be to you,” I say shyly.

He grins slightly; then he puts his arm around me, resting it on my shoulders casually in a totally non-intimate way.

“Jess, I’ve never had a girl as just a friend either. We can figure it out as we go. How does that sound?” he asks as we walk toward my car.

His phone buzzes and he pulls it out of his pocket. As he focuses on the screen, his walking slows down to a stop. The light expression he wore moments ago grows worrisome.

“What is it?” I ask. He looks up at me and the worry has morphed into fury. “What? Tell me.”

He drops his head and turns his back to me, placing his hands on his hips. He looks up briefly, shaking his head back and forth, takes a deep breath, and turns back around to face me.

“Something terrible has been put online about you. I can guarantee I know exactly who did it, and I promise you I’ll handle this today. Just don’t even look at these pictures, Jess. Stay offline until I get those bitches to take them down.”

I know what pictures he’s talking about and I cringe with shame as heat creeps up from my chest to my neck to my face. This is so embarrassing. I just want to fold up inside of myself right now and disappear.

“Okay? Do you hear me?” he insists.

I just nod. My chin begins to quiver and he instantly comes over and puts his arms around me. “I’m sorry they’re still doing this shit to you. I promise I’ll take care of this today once and for all.”

I hug him back and try to keep it together. He just holds me for a while, letting me feel what I need to without judgment. In his arms, I feel a sense of security that I’ve never felt in my life. If he wants to just be my friend, then that’s what I’ll give him. I doubt there’s anything that I’ll deny Jace Collins. Now or ever.

“What is a friend?

A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”

—Aristotle

I’VE JUST GOTTEN home from school and Mom and Dad are fighting because of her drinking. I can’t take another minute of their bickering, so instead of walking through the shit storm that’s going on in the kitchen, I pull my window up and pop the screen off. I swing one leg then the other over and hop out. My feet hit the green grass and I turn, pulling the window back down. My rusty old swing set sits off to the side of the backyard; the swings sway lazily in the breeze. It’s hard to imagine that years ago my sober mother laughed and played with me there. When my grandma passed away she took it hard. Something inside of her broke, and she never quite recovered from the loss. Alcohol was her escape. Now it’s her prison.

I walk over to the swings and sit on one. I push off the ground slightly and start to swing. Thoughts of Jace and all of the things that have happened over the past two months since we became friends make me smile. He kept his promise. The photos were taken down that night and never mentioned again, though the stares at school became increasingly worse
.
School’s still not a fun place for me because even though Elizabeth and Hailey stopped taunting me, I still get their death glares. People still look at me like I’m a walking disease, but for the most part no one says anything directly to me anymore. I still get a few notes taped to my locker from time to time, but I just rip them off and throw them away. I can handle the notes and the stares. I can pretty much handle anything with Jace in my life.”Hi,” a small voice says, startling me. I look over in the direction of my neighbor’s backyard and there’s a little girl standing there. She’s waving at me, so I wave back. A new family just moved in recently but I don’t pay much attention to them. Kids are always running around outside. The blond-haired little girl walks in my direction.

“Hello,” she says, stopping in front of me.

“Hi.” I look down and notice she’s wearing purple rain boots and a matching purple jacket. I wonder why she’s dressed like that on a sunny day like today.

“Hi. What’s your name?” I ask.

“I’m Vivvie.”

“Oh, that’s a cute name. I’m Jessica. Do your parents know you’re outside alone? How old are you?”

“I’m a big girl.”

I raise my eyebrows and smile at her. She has little freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and she’s absolutely adorable.

“Oh, a big girl, huh? Well I guess big girls get to play outside alone, then.”

“Yes, they do. Why do you use windows instead of doors?” she asks.

“Because I’m a big girl too and sometimes I don’t like doors.” She sits on the swing next to me and makes herself right at home.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

This is one very forward and nosey little girl.

“Um, no. I have a friend, but no boyfriend.”

“Is your friend a boy?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. Lots of girls at school have one, but I don’t.”

She looks a little sad and I feel bad for thinking she was nosey.

“Boyfriends are yucky, Vivvie. You don’t need one. You have lots of time for boys. Trust me, they are lots more trouble than they’re worth most times.”

“What about your friend that’s a boy? Is he trouble?”

I smile and shake my head.

“No, he’s perfect. No trouble at all.”

“You look happier.”

Huh? What does she mean?

“Um, Vivvie, how do you know if I look happier?” I ask gently.

“I’ve seen you before. You always look really sad. Sometimes you even look really mad, but never happy.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what else to say to that. It kind of makes me feel like shit. It’s terrible that it’s so obvious, even to a little kid.

“Well, I’m okay now. There were mean girls at my school and they made me sad lots of times. They’re still mean, but they aren’t mean to
me
anymore. My friend looks out for me, which makes me happy.”

She turns to look at me. “My school has mean girls and boys. They don’t like me much, but I don’t care. I don’t even let them make me cry anymore. I have a force field now.”

“A force field?” I ask.

“Yep, these rain boots and this jacket are my force field. My brother told me they have special powers and nothing people say can hurt me when I’m wearing my favorite color. My favorite color is purple!” She smiles and stands up. She twirls around with her arms wide. “See, lots of purple.”

I smile. “Yes, lots of purple. Lots of force fields too. Those mean kids have nothing on you!”

She reaches up to the lapel of her jacket. It has a little glittery purple snowflake pinned to it. She takes it off.

“Here, you can have my special purple snowflake. I have lots of purple stuff, so you can keep this snowflake. My brother says this snowflake will work all by itself if I don’t have anything else in my favorite color to wear. So you can just keep that with you and those girls will never make you sad again, ever.”

Her small open hand is extended to me and her innocence along with her kindness touches my heart. What a brave little girl.

“Aw, thank you, Vivvie. But you don’t have to give me your special snowflake. You keep it.”

“Nope, you can’t say no. It’s rude to say no to someone when they give you a gift. You have to take it.”

“Well okay, then. I certainly would never want to be rude to you. Are you really, really, super duper sure?”

“Yep, I’m sure as sure can be sure. Maybe you can just do me a solid someday if I need one.”

I laugh out loud at that. “Deal.” I smile at her as I take the little snowflake and pin it to my T-shirt.

“Well, I have to go now and tend to Lady Gaga. Maybe I’ll see you again, Jessica. I like talking to you.”

I laugh again. “Lady Gaga?”

“Yep, my pet pig. She’s probably already missing me.”

“Vivvie?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you name your pet pig Lady Gaga?”

“I love music and Lady Gaga is my favorite singer ever, ever, ever. She’s my hero. She has the best force fields of all. She has mean girls too, you know, but she doesn’t care. She’s the best and I love her. Every year, I wanted a pet pig so badly for Christmas. My mom always, always said no. I finally got one and she’s my favorite pet. So I named her after my favorite singer. I’ll bring her over one day. She has a really pretty collar with sparkles!”

She skips off as she waves good-bye to me. I just laugh to myself. A pet pig named Lady Gaga—hilarious. I raise my hand up to the snowflake, my new force field. I wish it were that simple. How great to be a little kid and have beliefs like that. Again I think about what a brave little girl she is, and I’m thankful she has such a great brother.

It’s been a while since I last cut. I know it’s because of Jace, but the fact that I don’t really have him nags at me daily. He makes me feel safe and loved, even though I’ve never heard those words from him. My world’s a little less dark.

I’ve never had a true friend before and it’s nice. More than nice. He’s my escape. Every time I see him, it’s like a high, my new drug of choice. Before, cutting and sleeping around gave me a high. Now all I seem to need is Jace’s presence. The way he treats me as if I’m a normal girl, like I’m one of the guys, is refreshing and frustrating all at the same time. That day in the pool when he almost kissed me is always at the forefront of my mind, even though it seems that he forgot about it long ago.

We’ve seen each other nearly every day since then. I go over to his house daily and we take turns beating each other in swim strokes. We’ve quickly learned that he can beat me in the butterfly every time, but he can never beat me in freestyle.

I still worry about screwing up his reputation, but the fact that he blatantly doesn’t seem to care eases my guilt a little. His world is a universe away from mine, although we seem to have so much in common. He likes a lot of the same music I like, and having an actual person to play 21 with is way better than doing it online. He’s also taught me how to play dominoes, but he calls it “throwing bones”.

Today, he’s introducing my bleeding ears to the most amazing stereo system I’ve ever heard in an automobile, and trying to teach me how to shoot hoops by playing a game like HORSE, only he says he hates calling it HORSE, because that’s dumb and horses have nothing to do with basketball. So instead, we play FOUL.

“You aren’t trying very hard, Jess. One more letter and I’m victorious once again.” I’m already on U, and he hasn’t missed a shot yet.

“I’m just letting you win.” I suck at basketball, but I don’t care because it’s fun.

“Jace!” I hear a faint female voice call from behind us. When I turn around and see his mom, I nearly die right here on the spot. We’re listening to a band that I’ve never heard before and, well, let’s just say that the band, ever so wonderfully named The Insane Clown Posse, doesn’t have the most mom-friendly lyrics. I don’t really care for it, but anything that Jace is into I make myself be into.

Like football. I know nothing about it, so I Googled and learned every possible thing I could about football terminology. Now I can watch a game with him and yell things like “Is the ref blind? That was a totally freaking illegal chop block!” or “Do they not see that he was totally roughing the passer?”

My chameleon ways are in full effect, but I like making him happy. I like making him think I’m normal. Cool, even. I just want his acceptance; I want him to validate me. His mom, on the other hand, is a different story. I seriously doubt I’ll ever have her acceptance.

I slap him on the arm and motion back toward his mom. He grabs the basketball on a bounce before reaching in the truck to turn the music down. She’s wearing a fancy white dress suit and high heels with not one hair out of place. She has beautiful, full lips that would make Angelina Jolie jealous, and her skin is perfect. Not one wrinkle in sight. Her skin looks almost as young as mine.

I gulp down the freaking tennis ball that has formed in my throat and take a deep breath. Jace tosses the basketball into the grass and when his eyes meet mine I’m sure he sees the sheer terror behind them. He tries to make light of the situation, but no matter what he says, it’s a heavy-as-hell moment for me.

Mrs. Collins is a socialite who cares more about her family’s reputation than anything else. Seeing her son with the unpopular girl is certainly not something she’ll be pleased about.

“Hey, Mom. Sorry about the music.” He gives her puppy dog eyes with a cute grin stretched across his face. How could anyone be mad at that face? It’s such a great face.

Mrs. Collins’s facial expression never changes.

Is she made of concrete?

I follow her gaze and realize she’s staring straight at my T-shirt. If I could will the ground to crack open and swallow me whole, I would. Jace looks back and forth between his mom’s eyes and my shirt and chuckles. I look down at the words scrolled across the front of my pink shirt in big black font:
Music Makes Me Horny
. If there were ever a moment I wanted to be invisible, this is definitely it.

She looks at me like I’m Stephen King’s
IT
, about to steal her son away and take him off to a dark cave somewhere. Jace keeps that shit-eating grin on his face as he watches the color slowly drain from mine.