Therapy (11 page)

I’d never been in Jace’s room before. I’d always suspected he never asked me up because he was worried about the always-present fact that I wanted more from him than friendship. Looking around, I saw that, like the rest of his house, it was huge. A large flat screen was mounted on the wall with every gaming system you can imagine, and across from them was a big queen size bed. Sports posters littered the walls and Baylor University memorabilia was placed throughout. There were two large beanbags off in the corner, and a shelf full of trophies and medals from all of his athletic accomplishments.

I startled when the TV clicked on to a channel that streamed music. “We Belong Together” by Gavin DeGraw began to play and he dropped the remote on the bed.

I looked up to find a new emotion behind the sapphire blue of his eyes: desire. My head swam at the sudden shift in him, in us, in the room. It was everywhere—this need for each other—and it was undeniable, at last. He stalked toward me with determination, searching my face, and as I stood there under his gaze, all of the air in the room seemed to disappear. I could barely breathe. He stopped inches from my body and leaned down, putting his lips tantalizingly close to mine without actually touching them; so close that I could feel his warm breath on my face and smell the aroma of peppermint mixed with whiskey.

It was intoxicating.

“Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to kiss these lips?” He whispered every word with obvious restraint, putting an emphasis on each syllable. It drove me crazy, and I couldn’t help the images that flew through my head of his lips on mine, on me.

He kept his mouth excruciatingly close to mine, but never touched me. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I felt dizzy with need, and my legs started feeling unstable. He reached up painfully slow and rubbed the pad of his thumb across my lower lip. His eyes darkened and hungrily flitted from my eyes to my mouth.

“I’m going to kiss you now, Jess,” he whispered, so low that I could barely hear the words. “I’m going to kiss you like no one has ever kissed you before.”

My God.

He leaned forward and briefly skimmed my lips. A soft moan escaped my throat and my breath mingled with his. Too soon, he paused, moistening his lips with his tongue. “Jess, after I kiss you, which I’m going to do real soon, I’m going to lay you down on this bed and make love to you like no one else ever has.”

A bolt of unrestricted pleasure coursed through my entire body and straight to my core at his words. My heart said to stop him because he had been drinking, but the selfish part of me wanted it so badly. This was the side of Jace I’d been waiting so long to see. I’d always loved the kind friend Jace, but the uninhibited, take-charge, incredibly sexy Jace that stood before me set me on fire. Swallowing hard, I looked back into his eyes and nodded, biting on my lower lip and trying to restrain myself from saying anything that might ruin the moment. He hadn’t even kissed or touched me yet, but my body was already responding to him in places that normally needed much more one-on-one contact.

He slipped his hand around the back of my neck, gripping it firmly, and in that moment, I completely submitted to him. I wanted to feel his lips on mine more than I wanted the air in my lungs. He captured my mouth ardently, with an eagerness that nearly made my knees buckle. His warm, soft tongue traced the seam of my lips, and I opened for him. When our tongues met, they intertwined in a feverish dance, and the sexual energy between us seemed to intensify with our increased movements, touches, lust. Whiskey and mint teased my taste buds and I wanted more, needed more Jace, but not just physically; I also craved the love he offered up with each caress. My heart raced, my skin flushed, and every single fiber of my body was on edge. That one kiss was the most riveting sexual experience of my life, but it was so much more than that. I’d been with a lot of guys, but that kiss caused every single one of those experiences to fade from my memory. It wasn’t just a kiss. It was a promise, a pure, raw display of tangible love. My heart would never forget and it would never be the same again.

I leaned in, wanting to taste more of him, but he pulled back, and a whimper escaped my lips with the absence of his on mine.

“Jace, I—”

“Shhh, Jessica,” he said in a low throaty voice. When he called me Jessica like that, my stomach clenched and my mouth watered in anticipation. “Lie down on the bed, Jess,” he demanded.

As soon as I felt the backs of my knees hit the bed, I froze. He stood in front of me with unwavering confidence, exuding tons of masculinity. He reached down and curled his fingers under the edge of his shirt, pulling it up over his head. I dropped my eyes to his rippled abs, which I’d always admired. He started unbuttoning his dark denim jeans and the words
Lucky You
stared at me from the inside of his zipper. Their truth was not lost on me at all. He pushed them down, letting them fall around his ankles, until all he had on was Nike boxer briefs. They hugged his toned legs and everything else perfectly.

I swallowed, trying to get the lump in my throat to go away, and his voice snapped me out of my ogling.

“Lie down, Jess.”

Without a word, I lay down and scooted back, closer to the headboard. He crawled onto the bed and chills spread across my body as he climbed up and rested beside me. With a single finger, he reached over and traced from my lips down over my chin, my neck, down between my breasts and all the way to the edge of my shirt.

He leaned over, barely ghosting his lips over my ear, and whispered, “I’m going to take your shirt off now.”

His words sent an anticipatory shiver down my spine and I closed my eyes as I gripped the blanket in my fists beneath me. The nerves ricocheting through my mind intensified, and for the first time I realized I was scared to death to sleep with someone. But not just anyone: Jace. My Jace. He was different. It was different. We were different. This was going to be unlike any other time I’d had sex, and I knew it.

He must have sensed my anxiety because he leaned over and pressed his lips to my cheek. “It’s okay, Jess. Just let me make you feel good; let me love you.”

I melted at his request. It was more than that, though; there was an unspoken command in his words, an assurance that he would love me, take care of me, make me and my body feel like no one else had ever made me feel. And I was lost then, entirely lost in Jace and his promises. Anything he wanted was his for the taking.

He removed my clothes, piece by piece, with a reverence like I’d never experienced. The fabric was replaced with his lips and skin on mine—sensations everywhere. He moved lower to take my shorts off, kissing his way to my abdomen, and I froze, knowing he was about to see my scars. I took a deep breath and let things play out. It was too late to worry about his reaction. If the scars repulsed him, then they just would, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from enjoying every second that his hands were still on me.

Just after he pulled my shorts and panties down, I saw the surprise and worry cross his face. Below my panty line looked like a war zone from years of cutting. The scars imprinted on my skin revealed years of hidden pain.

He craned his head up, looking at me as he brushed his fingers over the damaged skin, and I could see the questions and concern that swirled in his eyes. He didn’t speak a word, but his silence said so much to me. He turned his gaze back to the scars and leaned down, placing his warm lips to them. My eyes filled with tears, but I fought them back. He had just kissed the spot that always reminded me of how broken I really was. He still wanted me anyway, and I loved him for it.

His head dipped lower, and as he worked his magic I threw my head back in pleasure. He did things to me that lifted me to levels of frenzy I had never known before. Every touch was slow and deliberate. When he started trailing kisses up my body, he relaxed on top of me, his flesh molding with mine. He looked down at me hungrily, licking his lips, and I blushed knowing what he was tasting.

“Good, Jess. So good.”

I gasped just before he dropped his lips to mine, claiming my mouth in another aggressive kiss. His hand ran down the side of my body as he lifted his hips to remove his boxers. When his body met mine again, currents of warm buzzing energy flowed between us. My breathing was rapid, and my chest was rising and falling quickly. He deepened our kiss and nudged his knee between my legs, spreading me wide for him. He rose up on both hands and looked down at me before asking a life-changing question.

“Jess, are you on the pill?”

A thousand things rolled through my mind... If I told the truth, he would put on a condom, we’d have sex, and I’d never see him again. Or he wouldn’t have any protection, and he’d have to stop.

Or I could get pregnant and he’d never leave me.

My answer would alter our lives forever
.

“Your outer journey may contain a million steps;

Your inner journey only has one:

The step you are taking right now.”

—Eckhart Tolle

SITTING IN THE waiting room of a mental health clinic wound tight as hell, and dreading the fact that I’ve been forced into therapy, isn’t the way I want to spend my morning.

But this is a step I know I have no choice but to take.

The memories of that night six years ago, when Jace and I had sex for the first and last time, have replayed in my mind over and over, just like they do now. The way he seemed to sober instantly when he got me in his bedroom, and took control of my body like I was his to possess... It’s still the single most passionate night of my life. My awful decision tainted it, though, and turned something that could’ve been beautiful into something very ugly.

Looking back now, I remember how I cried all the way home after I left Jace’s house. I cried for him, for me, and for the lie that I told. I wanted to take it back, but it was too late, and what was done was done. Jace had come inside of me, and I was not on birth control.

I’d always relied on condoms, because I never wanted to tell my mom that I wanted birth control pills. I doubt she would’ve cared, but I still hadn’t wanted to broach the subject with her.

Jace got dropped off the next morning to get his truck, and I was beyond nervous to answer the door when he came to say good-bye. I didn’t know what to expect from him after our night together, and I was terrified that I’d see regret on his face.

I remember it as if it were only yesterday.

Opening the door, I took in his faded jeans, white Nike’s, and Baylor T-shirt. He had his hands in his pockets and he looked at me with a flirty grin on his adorably handsome, dimpled face. The oh-so-sexy toothpick was in full effect, and he looked nothing like a guy who regretted anything.

“Hey,” he said simply.

The moment was awkward, and the fact that we had slept together lingered in the air.

“Hey back,” I replied.

“You wanna take a ride with me? I have a couple hours before I have to head toward Waco,” he asked, and held his hand out to me.

I looked down at myself and back to him because I was still in pajamas.

“Jess, it’s just a truck ride. Who cares about your
ugly
pajamas?” he asked, chuckling and shaking his head back and forth at me.

I had on my black and orange plaid pajama shorts and the T-shirt that went with them. It was an orange T-shirt that said
Ugly
across the front of it. It was dumb, but I liked clothes that said weird and funny stuff. I just seemed to wear them at the wrong times.

I laughed a little, and agreed to go on the ride. “Sure, just let me tell my mom and put on some shoes. I also have a going away gift for you.”

I told my mom I’d be back later and slipped on my flip-flops. My hair was down and fell wildly around my face and past my shoulders. We got in the truck and he backed out of the driveway. As he pulled onto the road, he reached over and grabbed my hand. “Get over here, you’re too far away,” he said, tugging at my hand.

I scooted over right beside him with a smile on my face. I really loved his truck, especially then, since it allowed us to be so close. He pulled my hand up to his lips and placed a small kiss just on top of it. It was sweet, and I knew in that second that I loved Jace Collins. I had never fully admitted it to myself because I didn’t think I could possibly know what real love was, but that was real love. The kiss on my hand was love and I knew it. I felt it with every fiber of my being.

I recognized the road we turned down and instantly jerked my head, looking at him in confusion. “Where are we going, Jace?” I asked, squeezing his hand.

“Don’t worry. It’s early morning, so no one will be there,” he assured me.

We pulled up to the water tower entrance, and my heart beat a little faster than normal. That place held bad memories for me and I hated being there. Jace knew it too, and sensed my discomfort.

“Jess, no one is here. No one is going to hurt you. It’s just you and me. Just Jace and Jess, okay?” he said, cupping both of my cheeks and giving me a thoughtful smile.

He leaned forward, kissed the very tip of my nose, and placed his forehead against mine before saying, “This place doesn’t need to hold bad memories for you. This is where we saw who the other person really was for the first time. This place holds a memory of second chances.” He looked out, scanning the place where he helped me that terrible night. “That night may not have had a happy ending, but it paved the way for us to find each other. Their wrong choices brought us to the right place—each other.” He was so right. God, did I love that boy. “I know you’re probably really confused about last night, Jess, but I don’t regret it, not one damn bit of it. I was an idiot for not doing it sooner. I should’ve given in to my feelings a long time ago. I let stupid fears get in the way and I copped out. I regret that. Last night was amazing and wonderful and incredibly hot, Jess. It makes me all wound up just thinking about it right now.” He paused, looking at my mouth.

“And these...” he murmured, leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on my lips. “These are the softest lips I’ve ever felt and they taste like candy. I could kiss them all day and never get tired of it.” He kissed me one more time, softly.

I pulled a bag out of my purse and handed it to him. “Here. I got this for you at the mall. Just don’t wear it in front of your mom,” I laughed.

He pulled the blue shirt out of the bag and held it up.
Music Makes Me Horny
was written in bold black letters across the front of it.

“You said you’d wear one if it came in a color other than pink, so there you go,” I said.

“I love it!” he said with a big goofy smile.

“It’s Jace blue.”

“Jace blue?”

“Yeah, it’s the color of your eyes.”

We both laughed, and he held the T-shirt up to his chest.

“Mom will love this shirt. I’ll have to be sure and wear it when she comes to visit just to piss her off.” He chuckled.

He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, thanking me again. Then he fell quiet. He looked nervously into his lap, and then back up at me. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but snapped it shut like he didn’t quite have the right words yet. His brows creased, and he ran a hand nervously through his hair.

“Hey, let’s go sit on the water tower platform. It’s nice out.” We walked hand in hand over to the tower. We climbed the ladder and I took in the view of the surrounding trees. With his arm comfortably around me, we sat and he asked hard questions that I did my best to answer.

“Jess, what happened to you? Why do you have all those scars?” he whispered with his head hung low, looking at me with worry and concern.

My heart raced and my palms started sweating. I knew I’d be faced with it one day, but I didn’t want it to be that day. I just wanted to say our good-byes on a good note. He could see that I was scared to tell him by my tense body language and the apprehension that must’ve been written all over my face. He reached up and stroked my cheek, assuring me that I was safe.

“Hey, it’s okay. You can tell me. Who did that to you?” he asked. The distress in his voice was heartbreaking. The thought that he had never considered that I did it to myself made me even more frightened to tell him the truth.

I shook my head back and forth as my eyes filled with tears. He pulled me into a warm embrace and held me tight. I cried on his shoulder, trying to figure how to tell him the truth. I had lied to him about so many things. I needed to be honest about this, even if he did end up thinking I was crazy.

I pulled away from our hug and looked at him. He reached up with his thumbs and wiped my tears away, kissing me softly on the forehead.

“It’s okay, whatever it is. Just let me in, Jess. Let me help you,” he said as he searched my eyes for answers.

“I did it,” I said in a shameful whisper as I looked down at my fidgeting hands. I didn’t want to see his face when I said the words.

He took both my hands in his and pulled them up to his mouth. He kissed each one tenderly before pulling me to him. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, hiding from the truth the best I could. He was going to think I was dirty, damaged, crazy, or worse—not good enough for him. He stroked my hair slowly and we were both quiet for a moment as he processed what I had said.

“Why, Jess? Why would you do that to your beautiful skin? Why would you hurt yourself like that? It doesn’t make any sense. I want to understand, make me understand,” he pleads.

But I couldn’t make him understand. I barely understood it myself. All I knew was that I needed it, wanted it, and the relief it gave me was necessary for me to function. But he’d never understand that.

“Do you still do it?” he asked.

“Yes, but not as much as I used to,” I admitted quietly as I picked at the peeling paint on the side of the tower with my fingernail.

“Why is that?”

“Because of you. I don’t need it as much anymore since you came into my life. Those girls stopped torturing me and it made things a little less miserable,” I told him.

“Then why do it at all? I just don’t get it. You’re beautiful, strong-willed, funny, you have a huge heart, and when you smile it lights a room up.” A sigh escapes his lips and I know he’s having a hard time understanding what I’m trying to explain. “Why would you feel that hurting yourself was the answer to anything? You have me now; we have each other. You don’t have to do that, Jess.”

I’d felt so loved by him that morning, even more than I had the night before. The innocent sweetness that radiated off of him was palpable, and it wrapped me up in a warm blanket of security that I’d wanted to keep forever. I’d promised him that I would stop hurting myself, and he’d promised to never bring it up again unless I wanted to talk about it.

“I have to leave today, but Waco is only four hours away from here. I’m not going to be far at all. We’ll figure this out, I promise. If you don’t want to go to school up there, maybe you can find a job and move closer,” he said as he rubbed back and forth over the back of my hand with his thumb. “I can come home most weekends and all holidays until we decide how to work this. I want to be with you, Jess. I want you to be my girl. I know I’ve always said I didn’t, but I was a dumbass that’s now finally come to his senses,” he said. Then he brushed a few strands of hair from my face and looked at me expectantly.

“Say something, Jess. You’re making me nervous.” He huffed out a laugh and waited.

I looked at him and, with all seriousness, told him I’d do whatever I could to make it possible for us to be together. I didn’t know then what an empty promise I was making, but I meant it when I said it.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I can look for a job up there and we can see each other on the weekends like you said because I want to be with you too, Jace. So much it hurts. I want to be your girl more than I can say,” I said, feeling hopeful, but incredibly vulnerable. We scratched a heart into the side of the water tower with one of his keys.