Therapy (12 page)

So sweet and so memorable.

He put his finger under my chin and tilted my head back up. Our gazes met and I could see myself in his eyes. I saw a place in him where I could belong, a place I could call home. Jace was home to me, my safe place.

No matter how much I tainted what we had back then, I’ve always carried what I saw in him that day with me.

“Jess, we’re going to be okay. You’re going to be my girl, and I’m going to be your guy, and we’re going to be one of those high school couples that don’t end up hating each other.”

I smiled at him and he at me before we kissed. I wanted so badly to believe every word he’d said.

Looking back now, it stings to know how much he’d meant what he said. The sincerity in his voice was pure; it was everything that resembled who Jace was. Tears threaten to find their way into my eyes as the memories flood my mind in waves.

We drove away from the water tower and he stopped back at my house.

“Go inside and get your suit,” he said

“Ummm...okay, but why?” I asked hesitantly.

“We’re going back to my house for one more race. I can’t leave knowing I couldn’t beat you in freestyle.” He winked at me with that flirty grin on his face.

“Or maybe I just want to see you in that swimsuit again. All this time I’ve had to restrain myself while we were in the pool, now I don’t have to anymore,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows up and down and sending a shiver through me. I wasn’t used to Jace flirting with me, and I realized how much I was going to enjoy being more than just friends with him.

After stopping by my house so I could change into my swimsuit, we headed to his house for our showdown.

“Why aren’t you in your suit yet?” I asked him when we arrived at his house, pulling my hair up into a quick ponytail.

“I’m going. I just wanted to be standing here when you came out of the pool house in that swimsuit,” he said with a wicked grin on his face.

We stood on the pool deck and I walked up close to him, rising up onto my tippy toes like I was about to kiss him. Just as he closed his eyes to meet my lips, I shoved him into the water. He made a huge splash and resurfaced moments later with a shocked expression stretched across his handsome face. I slapped my hand over my mouth, trying to hold in the laughter, but I couldn’t help it. The look on his face was priceless.

“Damn, Jess, what the hell was that for?” he said, trying his hardest to sound mad, but he wasn’t.

“That’s for the day you started then stopped kissing me in this pool. Now we are even,” I said curtly.

He shook his head, getting the water out of his hair, and then ran his hands through it as he glared at me like a tiger on the prowl.

Shit!

“You know I’m wearing my brand new Nike’s and my brand new Baylor shirt, woman. What am I going to wear to Waco now?” he asked in a very cool but calculated voice as he climbed out of the pool.

He took a few squishy footsteps in my direction and I took a few steps back.

“Jace, I’m sorry. Don’t get me back, please,” I said, sticking out my bottom lip and batting my eyelashes at him.

“That’s not gonna work, Jess. You’re so going to get it. If you weren’t so damn beautiful I’d really make you pay for this.” He laughed and pulled his wet shoes off one at a time, followed by two wet socks. He undid his jeans and peeled them off along with his wet shirt and dropped them all into one soggy pile. He was standing in only a pair of black boxers, hands on hips, staring at me like I was a challenge he’d never lose. Suddenly, he charged at me and I squealed, running from him.

“No, Jace, no! I give! I surrender! I swear!” I yelled, running around the pool and laughing as my heart pounded in my chest.

“Nope. Jessica Alexander, you’re going down!” he threatened as he closed the distance between us. He wrapped his arms around my waist and hoisted me up over one shoulder.

“You sure are a lightweight little thing.” He smacked me playfully on the butt. “It’ll make throwing you into that cold morning water so much easier, though.” He threw me straight into the ice-cold pool.

I shrieked as I came up for air; goose bumps covered every inch of my body. He dove in right after me and I took off swimming to the other side. I turned under water once and glanced back, seeing that he was right on my tail. I felt him grab my foot and I knew he had me. I swung around under the water and we were face-to-face. He smiled, wide-eyed, and pulled me into him. He blew all of the air out of his lungs and kissed me square on the lips underwater. It was playful, it was sweet, and it was purely Jace.

He went to Waco later that day. It was the last time I ever saw him. Even though he’d wanted to come home on weekends, he ended up not being able to because of football practices. We talked every day on the phone and texted constantly. We even played around and tried to have phone sex, which always ended up being more of a comedy relief hour than anything else. Then we resorted to sexting with each other, which was equally comical. I remember the day that I was drinking a bottle of water when I got a sext message from him that made me literally spew water out my nose.

Jace:
When I see you next imma lick your hot sexy lady folds
.

All I could think to myself as I laughed my ass off was what the hell is a “hot sexy lady fold” and who even talks like that? I sexted him back with an equally hilarious comment.

Jess:
Well after you lick my hot sexy folds I will lick your hot rod of steel
.

My phone rang immediately and it was him. Laughter roared in my ear when I answered. “Rod of steel” became his new favorite way to reference his man parts after that.

The very next week was the week I lost Jace forever. I started feeling sick and was throwing up every morning. One particular morning was horrible, worse than any that came before that, and when he called he could tell something was wrong. He wanted to know if I was sick and I told him I thought I had a stomach virus. After a few seconds of silence, he asked me the question that had been lurking in the back of my mind since we’d been together.

“Jess, when you told me you were on birth control that night, you were, right? There’s no chance you’re pregnant, is there? Because it’s morning and you’re puking, and that’s a scary combination.”

I didn’t answer him right away and he took that for my answer. “Jess, you are on birth control, right? Jess? Please don’t tell me you lied to me!”

Immediately I began sobbing into the phone. That confirmed his suspicion and he went off the deep end.

“Dammit, Jess! How could you? How could you lie about something like that? How could you make a decision like that for me?” he shouted and continued on through my hysterical sobs. “I’m eighteen years old; I’m on a college scholarship living in a dorm. How the hell am I supposed to be a dad right now? Shit, you don’t even have that much. You’re still living at home with your parents. I can’t believe you could do something like this.” He paused and all I could hear was his rapid breathing. He was pissed or hurt or both. I didn’t blame him. What I did was beyond pathetic and sick. “You knew how much I wanted Baylor, how hard I worked to get this scholarship. Now I’m supposed to give it all away, because you lied to me! God, I can’t even talk to you anymore right now. I’m too mad and I’m just going to say shit that I shouldn’t.” He stopped and went completely silent for what felt like forever before he sighed. “I don’t want to be a scumbag to you. I’m angry and I just need to cool off before we talk more. You need to go take a pregnancy test today. Then call me back and let me know what the results are. We’ll go from there. Bye, Jess, I love you.” He said before he hung up on me.

That day, I cried until I had no more tears to cry. I wanted to cut, but I was too defeated to even do that. I did go get a pregnancy test; it was positive. When I called Jace back, I made a choice and lied again. The second lie that would change my life forever. I told him the test was negative and that I really did just have a stomach virus. He sat quietly for a while. I didn’t speak anymore; I couldn’t. Then he told me he needed some time to think, and we hung up. I did the only thing I thought I could do. I couldn’t ruin his life. I couldn’t be the reason everything he worked so hard for got taken away.

Pulling into the driveway at his parents’ house was nerve-racking. My hands were shaking so hard I could barely drive there. His mom had never warmed up to me. Hell, I didn’t even know if he had told her we were together as a couple or not. I walked up to the front door and pressed the doorbell with a trembling hand. Mrs. Collins opened the door and regarded me with disapproving eyes. My voice shakily found its way to my throat.

“I’m pregnant and Jace is the father,” I blurted out. Her eyes grew wide and she stepped to the side of the entryway and motioned for me to come inside. She closed the door and walked toward the front formal sitting room.

“Why are you here telling me this, Ms. Alexander? Jace is obviously not here—I’m sure you already know this. So what brings you here to my doorstep to tell his mother this news?” she said in a cool tone, never wavering from her stoic persona. She stared at me like I was a dirty piece of trash that needed to be discarded with yesterday’s garbage. She crossed her legs and straightened out her expensive skirt as I gathered my thoughts.

“Mrs. Collins, I know you don’t like me much, but I’m here telling you this because I don’t want this to ruin Jace’s life. I’m only a few weeks along, but I don’t have the means to take care of this by myself. I’m asking for your help.” Deep down I wished she’d talk me out of it, tell me it would all be okay.

I was trying to keep from breaking down right there in front of the ice-cold woman who never showed one ounce of compassion for me, or for what I was asking her for. She simply got up and walked across her pristine hardwood floor—her fancy heels clacked with every step—and reached inside her purse. She pulled out her checkbook and a pen and started writing. When she was done, she turned to me and held out a single check.

“This is enough money to keep you from ruining my son’s bright future and then some. I’ll give you this money gladly if you promise to never see my son again.” The check felt heavy. It equaled the deletion of everything that connected me to Jace. “You’re right, Ms. Alexander, I don’t like you. My Jace is too good for the likes of you. I never understood his fascination with you or why he spent so much time with you. So take this money and I never want to see you here on my property ever again. You will not speak of this to anyone else and Jace is to know nothing about it. You say whatever you need to say to make him think you are serious about not seeing him anymore.” She motioned toward the door. Silently, with the check in hand I walked out of Jace’s house and life forever.

I went to Dallas that week and terminated the pregnancy. I spent the night in a hotel and drove back the next day. I lied to my parents and told them I was going to see Jace and tour the college. When I got back home I got into my bed and slept for hours, clasping my stomach, feeling hollow and overcome with grief for what I had done. That night was the night Jace finally called me after days of nothing from him. I answered, only knowing that what I had to say to him was going to break the last bone in my emotional body.