Therapy (3 page)

See the me you see

Then you can walk beside me

See the you that I see

I’ll keep filling the hole in my soul with IOUs

While you keep filling it with I Hate Yous

I shut my journal and text Harrison. We had a good time this past weekend, no matter what Elizabeth had to say about it. Having someone makes me feel happy, even if it’s always short-lived.

Me:
Hey, I had fun last weekend. You want to hang out this weekend?

He texts right back, and I instantly feel better. Happier even.

Harrison:
Hey, babe. Yeah, I had a blast with you. You really know how to show a guy a good time! I’m not sure about this weekend. Jace and the guys invited me out. It’s just some sort of guys’ night out thing, but I’ll catch you some other time.

My smile fades along with my happiness, and I instantly feel rejected. I want him to want to be with me, not the guys. Why does this always happen? Why do I need them so badly? Why do I want them so badly?

It’s always the same. Every guy I date, I feel consumed by some sort of freakish need. I know it’s not normal, but I can’t make it stop. In the end it either pushes them away, or causes me to go off on an emotionally charged rant toward them. I regret it every time, but the cycle is on repeat nevertheless. I usually talk with them online because they don’t speak to me at school. No one really does—I’m bad for everyone’s reputation. Elizabeth makes sure of that. One day last year, Brian sat with me at lunch and Elizabeth and her group made him sorry he ever did.

My phone buzzes and I see that I have fifteen notifications on Instagram. That’s weird. I never get much action on any of the social media sites. I have no real friends to speak of. I tap the icon and open the app. I touch the little notification bubble and fifteen comments or likes pop up. It’s a picture of me. Shock freezes the blood in my veins as I scroll down. SlutPics123 posted a picture of me hanging myself. A quote bubble above my head says

They follow me everywhere I go; I can’t escape them! I know Elizabeth and Hailey did this, but this is a new low. Their weapons aren’t illegal, yet they cut me deeper than a blade ever could. Hiding behind electronic shields, they use their words like swords. I wonder what’s worse—the invisible scars they leave or the visible scars I inflict upon myself?

“I have no one. I need someone.”

—Amanda Todd

ANOTHER WEEK OF school has inched by and I’ve done my best to ignore the picture they put up on Instagram and the ridicule that’s followed it. Being silent may seem weak, but staying silent takes more strength than they’ll ever know.

I’m hoping Harrison will be able to see me this weekend. I’ve tucked a note in his locker, letting him know I’ll be home waiting for his call if he decides he wants to hang out.

He doesn’t really talk to me much at school, which I guess I understand. It would only cause him unwanted drama. Elizabeth and her minions have everyone at school convinced that I’m an infestation of STDs.

Mom is Martha Stewart today, which means a cooked meal for dinner. She’s humming and prattling around in the kitchen like we’re the Cleaver family. Dad will be home soon. He’s having a business partner over for dinner, which also means Mom will be on her best behavior. I’ll stay huddled up in my room for as long as possible until I‘m forced to smile and interact with everyone.

My brother is the star of the family and can do no wrong in Dad’s eyes. Jeff always gets the attention from Dad that I crave. I had hoped that when he left for the University of Texas Dad would finally begin to see me, but that didn’t happen.

I hear my phone buzzing and grab it, hoping it’s Harrison. I swipe the screen, revealing his sexy, tan face.

Harrison:
Hey, you wanna hook up tonight after all?

Me:
Sure! Where and what time?

Harrison:
Meet me down at the parking spot by the water tower at 9 p.m. C you there.

I’m instantly excited, and start rummaging through my closet to find something hot to wear for him. I grab a black miniskirt, red halter top, and my laciest underwear. He never has condoms, so I’ll have to stop and get some at the 7-Eleven on my way there. It’s a given that we’ll have sex. I know it sounds horrible, but I don’t feel bad about it. Guys want it, and if you don’t give it to them, they don’t want you. I want him to want me, so sex is necessary.

I just want to be wanted.

Loved.

After a painstakingly boring meal with Mom, Dad, and his business partner, I change and head out. I tell my parents I’ll be back by curfew, but they won’t notice if I’m late.

I go to the 7-Eleven and buy a pack of condoms. A few get shoved in my purse and I toss the rest in my glove compartment. I check my makeup in the mirror and run my fingers through my long dark hair. I stare into my hazel eyes and wonder what other people see when they look at me.

Do they only see a slut?

A weird girl?

Are they really even looking at all?

I shake the thoughts away and save them for a later time when I can write them in my journal.

I put my little Honda into drive and head out to the town water tower. It’s always been a popular parking place for the local teens. As I get closer, I notice a couple of different cars and wonder why there are people out here so early; it’s usually later before anyone starts showing up. I pull in farther and park.

I scan the area and see a couple glowing cigarettes, but can’t make out who the people are smoking them. My heart rate kicks up; I hope they aren’t
I Hate Jessica
club members.

Me:
Harrison, where are you? I’m here.

About five minutes pass by, but I hear nothing back from him. I decide to wait a little longer, because I really want to see him. I jump when I hear a knock at my window, and turn to see Elizabeth staring back at me with a smug grin on her face. My heart jams into my throat, and my breathing speeds up into high gear. At least when she corners me at school there’s usually an out. It’s a crowded, public place with adults around to prevent any serious situations. But this? This is very different. I have no idea why she’s here, how she knew I was here, or what she wants with me.

She beats on my window as her friends circle around my car. I quickly start my engine and throw the gear in reverse. I need to get the hell out of here. Just as I start backing up, Harrison pulls in right behind me, blocking my exit. I’m now completely boxed in. Maybe this is best, like I’ve always wanted. She can do whatever she wants to me and be done with it.

I really don’t care anymore.

“Get out of the damn car, whore!”

I turn and glance toward the front of my car just as Hailey pours a beer all over the hood. Harrison walks up puts his arm around Hailey affectionately, and my stomach clenches in anguish.

How could he do this? Did he trick me so that I’d come out here and they could torture me? Why would he be so cruel? I’ve always done everything he’s asked of me. I’ve always tried to make him happy. How could he do this to me? Tears start to well up in my eyes, but I quickly get myself under control, not wanting them to see me break. I reach over and open my door, step out, and am instantly shoved back against the cold metal of my car.

“I told you earlier this week that Harrison was Hailey’s. You just wouldn’t listen, would you, skank? Hailey saw your texts to him. Did you really think he was going to keep seeing you? He’s not going to lose the captain of the cheerleading squad for the captain of the blow job team,” Elizabeth hisses sarcastically.

Everyone laughs as I stand there. Just before I open my mouth to antagonize her, Bentley comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her, kissing her neck. Has she broken up with Jace, or is she being the whore that she always claims me to be? Bravery finds its way to my tongue, and I do the stupidest thing I could ever do.

I poke the snake when it’s ready to strike.

“Where’s Jace, Elizabeth? Does he know you’re out here screwing around on him with Bentley? Maybe I’ll let him know and he can be my next fuck. I bet I can show him things he never dreamed of when he was with you.” I smirk and cross my arms over my chest. Adrenaline courses through my veins as I await her response.

Her eyes grow wide and she gasps as everyone starts laughing and heckling her over my comment. “Bentley and I are just friends, you stupid bitch. Mind your own damn business. Who the fuck do you think you are anyway?” She slaps me with all her strength and heat creeps across my face. Grabbing me by the shoulders, she slams me into the car even harder.

“All of a sudden you’ve got some newfound courage tonight, huh? You’re going to regret ever saying that shit to me. And if you insinuate that I was doing anything other than hanging with friends to Jace, tonight will feel like a walk in the park compared to what will happen to you next.”

She grabs me by my arm and yanks me away from the car.

“Hailey, get your ass over here and help me. This shit is all your damn fault anyway. Your boyfriend’s the one that can’t keep his dick in his pants!”

I look into her evil eyes defiantly, practically begging her to beat the hell out of me.

Don’t do it, Jessica. Don’t make it worse.

“Go fuck yourself, Elizabeth,” I reply in a raspy, nervy voice. I make it worse.

I feel like I’m moving in slow motion as I let her manhandle me, not trying to defend myself at all. I don’t care, so I just let her and Hailey do whatever they want.

Maybe Harrison will feel sorry for me and want me afterward.

I squeeze my eyes shut at the pathetic thoughts rolling through my equally pathetic mind. Their laughter ebbs away slowly as I slip into my locked-down world of numbness. I open my eyes, and despite my efforts to block it all out, my stomach twists in anticipation of what will happen next. Harrison glances up at me, his eyes full of mockery and disgust.

“Act like a whore, Jessica, and you’ll keep getting treated like one,” he spouts.

How I thought he liked me, I don’t know. Hailey and Elizabeth are dragging me along while everyone else hoots and hollers. I look back at Harrison with hatred in my eyes, in my heart.

“I hate you, Harrison!”

He laughs and grabs his crotch. “You sure weren’t hating on this last weekend, baby,” he mocks. Joe Fitzer, another guy from the football team, pats Harrison on the shoulder and laughs. “Hey, Jessica, I’m single. Maybe you can show me the same TLC you showed my homeboy Harrison.” Joe winks at me as he takes a draw from his beer.

Hailey grips my arm tighter, hearing the guys’ words. “Shut the hell up, you horny bastards! No one cares how you let this skank-ass tramp blow you or how you want to get into her STD-infested panties!”

Elizabeth spins me around, grabs my wrists in her left hand, then rears up and slaps me on the left side of my face again. The only fight I put up is the one to gulp down the sobs trying to escape my throat.

“How’s that, whore? You like that?” Hailey hisses. “Think about that next time you want to fuck someone else's man!”

She spits in my face, and they shove me to the ground. I can feel the sand and rocks dig into the flesh of my bare knees. My neck cranes, and I grimace at the pain before my head is jerked back violently by Elizabeth yanking me by my hair.

“Apologize, you slut! Tell Hailey you’re sorry for screwing around with her man!”

The thought of me owing her an apology is such a joke. What about him? He chose to be with me over her.

“Do it, bitch!” Elizabeth screams as she tightens her grip and pulls my hair harder. Hairs are ripping out of my scalp, but I don’t answer. I won’t give her what she wants. Not yet, at least. Then she reaches down and rips my earring from my left ear, throwing it to the ground in her rage. I let out a small cry at the pain as warm blood from my earlobe trickles down my neck. Things are no longer comical—not that I ever thought they were—and I know they’re far from finished with me.

I glance up and see the lights of several phones all pointed in my direction. They’re videoing all of this like I’m some freak show type of entertainment.

“Get your phone, Hailey. Take some pictures of this bitch getting what she deserves.”

Closing my eyes, I try to keep myself under control before looking back up at them. The unspoken challenge in their eyes taunts me; it begs for me to antagonize them further. I shouldn’t, but I do. I say words that mean nothing to me anyway.

“I’m sorry for making your man come more times in a few weekends than you ever will in his lifetime!” I shout smugly.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help it. My impulsivity won over. All I want to do is hurt her; humiliate her in front of everyone, even if it means putting my promiscuous ways on display.

I hold back the tears that want to come, realizing just how humiliating all of this is for me.

Hailey kicks me in the chest, forcing me backward onto the dirty ground. She holds her phone out, taking pictures of me as I try to gain my bearings. I hear my heart pulsate in my ears, and anxiety rushes through me. My instincts say to get up, but I don’t. Any bravery I had is long gone, but, to tell the truth, I don’t think it was ever really there.

For once, I wish I were invisible. I don’t want this. I know that now. I thought if they could have their way with me that they’d somehow lose interest, but looking up at them I can plainly see that this is only adding fuel to their fire.

Elizabeth reaches down, digging her nails into my arm and screaming wildly at me as she struggles to pull me back up. “Get the hell up, you whore, and fight back! You’re making this way too easy. Where’s the fun in that?” She laughs, looking back at the small group crowded around us.

Grabbing another handful of my hair, she lifts her right hand up and backhands me again with all the force she can garner. I fall to the ground, bracing myself with my hands. My face is inches from the dirt and rocks, and before I can push myself back up her knee digs in between my shoulder blades, pinning me down. My face collides with hundreds of little jagged edges, and the metallic taste of blood fills my mouth.

Giving up, I don’t struggle under her or try to get away. I completely detach from all the pain, all the degradation, and lie there in defeat. For the moment, the humiliation and shame I should feel is absent, but I know it will come. It always does. Searing blows to my ribs on both sides rock my body and I realize they’re kicking me. After long minutes of pain my body goes still, and I hear the rocks crunching beneath their feet.