... Then Just Stay Fat. (5 page)

I like feeling fashionable as much as the next person, but when I saw a pair of “yoga shorts” so skimpy Daisy Duke would be embarrassed to wear them (also good for hooping and pole dancing – hand to God that’s what th
e ad said), I knew I was done.
I sat there staring at the photo – bare midr
iff of an extremely fit model,
two strips of black cloth covering just enough up top and down bot
tom to keep the police at bay. I’ve been to a few y
oga classes and the thought of that going downward dog all up in front of me, a view to China no one could possibly miss, was an image
I couldn’t come to terms with. I know several “fit people.”
No way do I want
any of them in a “happy baby” y
oga pose within 100 feet of me in those shorts. 

What the heck kind of message are the
se ads sending?
Do they re
ally sell those crazy clothes? Who’s buying them?
I thought we were supposed to be staving the obesity epidemic
and
turning the tide on cardiovascular disease and diabetes, not encouraging free anatomy lessons in group fitness cla
sses.
What the what?

I turned a blind eye to thongs peeking out over low-rise pants, spaghetti-strap sports bras that couldn’t
support a Kiwi fruit, and male
U
nitards
(yes, I’ve seen them sported around the gym – scary is all I can
say).
Practically bit
my tongue in half when p
lumber’s cr
ack made surprise appearances.
But for some odd reason, those stripper clothes posing as workout shorts just did me in.

The whole matter has left me dumbfounded, a
tad ill, and generally tired.
I can only figure it’s be
cause I’m old. So count me out.
I’m hanging it
up, embracing my inner
MeeMaw
.
Time for me to join
the “blinking VCR clock” club.
You’ll find me shaking my fist at booming car stereos, retelling stories I’ve already shared (and starting those stories with “when I was your age…”),
and eating dinner at 4:30 p.m.
I might even spruce up my wardrobe with a few lace-up, white
Keds
and elastic waist crop pants.
‘Cause if those dang shorts pass for bona fide workout clothes these days, my time has passed.

I love it when readers share articles and topics. They're potentially good writing fodder for me. I’m always entertained, but some recent stories just downright pissed me off.

Maybe you heard about the heart attacks (that’s plural) at the Heart Attack Grill in Vegas (previously located in Chandler, Ariz
.
) – the EMTs wheeling a poor guy out, then a few months later they’re wheeling a woman out, all caught on video.
Let’s also not forget the restaurant’s spokesman, a hefty fellow
of a
mere 575 lbs. also died. He was just 29.

If you haven’t heard of this place, it’s a mega-burger restaurant with an emergency-room theme. The customers are “patients” and the waitresses are “nurses” (I’ll let you use your own imagination as to what THAT looks like). The restaurant is infamous for its 8,000-calorie burger (called a Quadruple Bypass in honor of its four patties). It's even more notorious (if that’s possible) for allowing customers who weigh more than 350 pounds to eat for free. Yep, you can “weigh in” and potentially chow down on the house. The Betty
Boop
nurses will roll a cow on a bun out to
ya
and giggle as you eat yourself into an early grave.
Cha-
ching
.

Watching obese people ambulanced away from that disgusting excuse-of-a-restaurant hiding behind the beauty of free will is migraine-inducing enough. Listening to the passers-by comment on the situation makes me want to vomit. An obese lady clad in the restaurant’s “hospital gown” bragged that she ate there days before the previous heart attack episode – it was yummy.
 
A kid chowing down on a meal that weighs more than he does
claimed
he walks to school, so it’s OK. A lady out on the street said, “That heart attack was
gonna
happen anywhere.”

Does no one get it?
 
Holy smokes, people. I swore I’d never give airtime to these yahoos again – all publicity is good for business, so they say, and I wasn’t about to give ‘
em
another minute. But I
gotta
speak or I’m
gonna
blow a vein.

My primary ire is rooted in the unconscionable encouragement of obesity and the disgusting objectification of the female
waitstaff
. The restaurant is maddening enough, but when I think about how people continue to spend their money there, I just about lose it – the vein starts throbbing.

I believe in consumer choice. We are individuals, grownups – free to choose. It is THE delineator between childhood and adulthood – free choice. To this day, I treasure being able to go to bed when I want, ignore the dishwasher if I choose, and eat cereal for dinner. Yea for being an adult! But I also know that I have to accept the consequences of my grown-up choices. I might be stupid tired the next day, gain weight and have no clean dishes.

So while I’m furious with the Heart Attack Grill’s owners, I’m even more disgusted by the patrons who continue to give them their money – the ultimate approval in our society. When you fork over your hard-earned cash to these bozos, you are condoning what they do – encouraging and rewarding people for being morbidly obese. It is no different than a bar giving away free drinks if you have an AA card.

As for the folks who keep playing along like it’s all a big game – your time is coming. If you weigh more than 350 pounds and choose to go get your 8,000-calorie FREE side-of-beef-on-a-bun, don’t start crying when the EMT dudes have to winch you out of your bedroom via a hole in your wall or, worse, cart you out of the restaurant on a gurney as you are clinging to life. If you don’t weigh more than 350 pounds and continue to patronize such establishments, don’t worry, you will – and will have paid for the privilege with more than just money.

Here’s hoping at least one of you out there skips this place and maybe goes for a walk instead. It would make it all worthwhile to me.

References:

Johnson ,
Weldon. "575-pound Heart Attack Grill spokesman dies."
AZ Central
.
3 March 2011: n. page.
Web.
1 Aug. 2012. <
http://www.azcentral.com/community/chandler/articles/2011/03/03/20110303chandler-heart-attack-grill-spokesman-dies-500-pound-man0303.html
>.

Jaslow, Ryan. "Man suffers heart attack at Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas: Report."
CBS News
. 5 February 2012: n. page. Web. 1 Aug. 2012. .

Jaslow
, Ryan. "Report: Another Heart Attack Grill diner falls ill while eating."
CBS News
.
23 April 2012: n. page.
Web.
1 Aug. 2012. <
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57419094-10391704/report-another-heart-attack-grill-diner-falls-ill-while-eating/
>.

I’ve got a new quote:
“
There are three kinds of lies:
lies
, damned lies,
and weight loss sound bites.”
(No offense
, Mark Twain.) The
new y
ear
brings them
out of the wood work.
Talking heads, advertisements, celebrity endorsements, talk-show special guests – all peddling their wares in an attempt to get your hard-earned money for the
least amount of their effort.
Never mind what works 100 percent
of the time is c
ompletely free:
eat less food.

The difficult part is demonic sound
bites are always so alluring.
They know to
play on our human weaknesses.
We are impatient, don’t want to be held responsible, a little lazy, a
nd can be as demanding as a 2-year old.
O
h, and we
wanna
feel special.
Frankly, we are easing pickings.

The only way to get “them”
to q
uit peddling their lies is for “us” to change.
Let’s cross our arms, furrow our bro
ws, and turn up our BS meters.
Be ready to dole out a giant eye roll any time you encounter the following…

Counting calories is passé:
I’ve seen some version of this “truth” many tim
es
.
According to the “experts,” tracking calor
ies doesn’t work – it’s archaic, difficult, confusing
and
, to some, a tad laughable.
OK, then so is keeping a
n eye on your car’s gas gauge.
We should all
just drive around with
abandon;
fill up when we feel like it and w
ith as much as we want because
—
news flash
—
the laws
of the universe have changed.
According to these yo-yos, thermodynamics no lon
ger matter (
ss
hhh
, the physicists ar
e keeping it a big secret). One hundred
calories of potato chips is no longer the sa
me as 100 calories of almonds.
One w
ill not burn up like the other,
so load up on the “good stuf
f” and eat all you want. Ten thousand
calories of almonds, here we c
ome.
C
all me when you’ve gained 15 pounds
.

You don’t eat enough: bless your heart.
I heard this one on
TV just the other day, again.
According to this “truth” if you don’t eat enough, you’ll slo
w down your metabolism (gasp).
They claim our body hoards fat when it senses starvation and j
ust will not turn loose of it. (Someone needs to tell UNICEF.)
To get that scale to move
, we are supposed to eat more! Go ahead, start shoveling it in.
We should
have
three hamburg
ers for lunch, a couple of deep-
dish pizzas for dinner, a case of Coke, and maybe a
few gallons of Ben & Jerry’s.
E
-
mail me and let me know what happens, though I’ll probably just hear you scream.

Certain food groups are bad:
every decade or
so, another food is demonized
—
sugar, fat, wheat, d
airy, etc.
One year bread is a stapl
e and the next it’s the devil?
I’ve got news – unless you have a diagnosed medical issue (as told by a degreed medical professional, not
by
someone who self-proclaimed their expert status)
,
you can quit wringing your hands on this
topic.
You probably aren’t gluten intolerant, allergic to peas, or destined to only partake of root vegetables ‘til the end of time.

Don’t be taken in by the lies.
The
truth usually isn’t sexy, magic
or complicated, but it will set us fre
e. It can also save us a few bucks
and some anguish-ridd
en, wasted time
along the way.

Contradictory messages ar
e flying at us left and right:
we’re starving; we have a hunger epidemic, we’re obese, diets don’t work, but lose
weight, but we’re starving.
Plus we’ve got doctors afraid to tell patients they’re fat
and fat people getting fatter.
(Yes, I used the socially unpopular word.)

I feel like I’v
e fallen down the rabbit hole.
Why are we all so wrapped around the axle on t
his topic?
Why do
we continue to complicate it?
What are we so scared of?

I wanted to throw my laptop across the room after reading a Twitter feed fro
m a reputable healthcare site. Someone asked why diets don’t work
and no less than nine experts (a few
of them
well known) chimed in with co
ddling support of the notion. N
o
ne of them said, “
yes
they do!”
A couple danced up to the line, but none were direct with a simple answer.