... Then Just Stay Fat. (12 page)

Since we can't avoid change-related stress (no matter how talented
we
are), how we
respond becomes very telling.
 
It will almost always predict long-term success. Negative responses like anger, frustration, negative self-talk, etc. usually
signal trouble.
 
Positive responses
like humor, self-encouragement
and dete
rmination are more beneficial.
 
In the sports world,
they call this having "heart."
 
I promise you, if they had to choose, coaches and teachers will take heart ov
er talent any day of the week.

Are you wondering i
f you have the right attitude?
 
Well, does putting together a bicycle using poor inst
ructions send you into a rage?
 
Or do you start laughin
g
and
then call your auto
mechanic best friend for some help?
 
When you're stuck in a traffic jam full of road
ragers
, do you lay on the horn
and join in the lane weaving?
 
Or do you turn up your favorit
e song and just start singing?
 
If you overdo it at lunch and blow your calories, do you proceed to
blow the rest of the day
,
too?
 
Or do you reel it i
n and mitigate further damage?
 
When an exercise is really hard and you can barely manag
e it, do you get mad and quit?
 
Or do you chuckle and tell yourself
, "E
veryone starts somewhere"?

As m
any of us formulate our goals
(another name for change), take a moment to assess how yo
u typically handle challenges.
 
A positive
attitude will allow you
to reach your highest ability.
 
A poor attitude will hobble you.

If you have someone in your life who is
struggling with weight-related
health issues, then this
section
is for you.

I hear a l
ot of stories from my clients.
 
Some of them warm my heart.
 
Some of them frustrate me.
 
So
me just plain old make me mad.
 
The ones about friends or family
members who either knowingly or unwittingly sabotage
heavy people's efforts at good he
alth really get under my skin.

Have you done that?
 
B
rought a dozen doughnuts home?
 
Ordered a favorite des
sert and asked for two spoons?
 
Talked them out of going to the gym becau
se you'd rather go to a movie?
 
Maybe you've said something like
, "
It's
only one piece," "Y
ou've
worked hard, you deserve it," "E
veryone has to have a little fun,
" or "I made it just for you!"

You wouldn't whip up a batch of martinis and tell an alcoholic
, "I made this just for you."
 
Why would you essentially
do the same to a heavy person?
 
What's worse is we often mutter "tsk
,
tsk" when they fail.

I know most of th
e time you do it accidentally.
 
Maybe you feel bad about your own situation and
,
deep down, don't want someone else to accom
plish what you fear you can't.
 
Rather than own your fears and jealousies
, you try to drag others down.
 
It makes you feel better
in some backward kind of way.
 
Maybe you just weren't thinking
—
but maybe now you will.

Some of
you might be arguing with me.
 
"They're
the one on the diet, not me!"
 
And you're right.
 
I'm not making you responsib
le for your friend's problems.
 
I am an ardent supporter
of individual responsibility.
 
The person with the problem needs to take ownership for it, and make the changes necessary t
o improve their circumstances.
 
But I'm also realistic enough to recognize that lifestyle c
hanges are extremely difficult
and everyone can use eve
ry ounce of help they can get.

I like to put things
on a comparative scale.
 
Staring at molten lava cake and not having any is prob
ably a 10 for my heavy friend.
 
Skipping the molten
lava cake is about a 3 to me.
 
So why wouldn't I help?
 
And besides, my body won't miss the sugar hit anyway
—
hell, it'll probably thank me.

Show real love for the
people you say you care about.
 
Next time you're having them over for dinner, opt for some extra vegetables and m
aybe serve up a fruit dessert.
 
No one needed the cobbler anyway.

A weight-loss product
promising insane results
has me shaking my fist in the air, again. The bad ones are like cockroaches – a scourge in my plight. Just when I feel like I’ve stomped them all, there’s another. You think I’d tire of these fits, but alas.

This new product is a
carbon copy of a previous one I researched
. My same
I
nternet detective work easily revealed the same dude behind this new product. The same dude who was named in an FTC filing. Geez Louise.

I know the only reason these “people” continue their tactics, regardless of legal (never mind ethical) ramifications, is because they make money. Where is that money coming from? Me and you, baby. The good news is we are in charge here. If we stop giving them our hard-earned money, they’ll stop the chicanery and maybe go apply their wiliness and creativity to something that actually helps society (I’m not holding my breath).

There are just so many cockroaches to smash. I need your help. You can become my cohorts in fitness-justice. We will stop falling for their trickery and, to do it, you’ll need a nasty, cynical attitude. While that comes scarily easy for me, I realize you are nice people and must be trained to be as suspicious as I am. Just think of me as your pessimism Kung Fu master. You are my Grasshopper.
(Younger folks, go catch up on episodes of 1970s “Kung Fu.”)

First, you must practice your initial reaction. When you encounter a “sounds too good to be true” weight-loss product (and you know it when you see it, Grasshopper, because an alluring voice in your head whispers, “
Hheeeyy
, look at that”), you must cross your arms warrior-style, furrow your brow and sternly demand, “Where’s the catch
?
” This reaction needs to be practiced repeatedly – it must become habit. See a “before” photo of a chunky, young guy looking sad with bad posture? Cross your arms. Clips of skinny, pretty people sprinkling magic powder on their salad as they sip water while dining seaside? Furrow your brow. Double-blind, placebo-controlled studies quoted but can’t be located? Yell, “Where’s the catch?”

Once you’ve mastered the Kung Fu pessimist’s initial response, you must learn to seek the truth.  You, Grasshopper, will tirelessly pursue these answers:


      
Where is that research institute they keep naming? And is it for profit? If so, whose profit?


      
Where is the research they keep quoting? Where was it published? Is it really just a press release in disguise, not a journal article?


      
Do all phone options and web links lead you back to “buy it now?”


      
Does it include a diet and exercise plan that looks about the same as every other plan out there?


      
Does any weight lost equal about 1-2 pounds per week – the same you could get on your own?


      
Do they insert tiny print anywhere in the ad? Can you even read it?


      
Lastly, have you heard Oprah going nuts over it?

Together, we can conquer the charlatans! Practice
often,
and maybe one day you, too, Grasshopp
er can become a Kung Fu master.

A few “secrets” and four simple topics that all start with “P” to help you along. You’ll read it and probably say “duh” – which means you’ve had the answer all along. All that other noise had you distracted.

hCG
,
ab
rollers, fat burning pills, fitness-based video games, pre-packaged food shipped to your home
—
the list goes on an
d
on.
 
Consumers can't watch TV, listen to the radio, read a magazine or even just walk through a bookstore without being inundated with thousands of differ
ent “secrets” to weight loss.

Brace yourself, because here
come
s
the biggest secret of all...

You do not need any of it!!
 
Did you read that?
 
You do not
NEED any of it to lose weight.

Now pay me $300.
 
Thank you.

What?
 
That didn't seem worth $300 to you?
 
But you just bought some insane battery-operated muscle stimulator and some weird looking shoes
both promising to “melt away unwanted fat and tone flabby muscles
.
”
My advice and k
nowledge is worth more than those things
.
 
But you want more, right?
 
OK, OK, but I suspect you'll still feel a little pissed off.
 
We usually do get angry when we discover a problem had a simple solution and we've wasted time and mo
ney seeking a complicated one.

Let's start with the basics.
 
Weight loss is about setting up a calorie def
icit in your body.
 
Duh, right?

But let's think a little deeper for a moment.
 
Energy, for the sake of this discussion, is found in chemical bonds, and the breaking of those bonds releases the energy.
 
That's what our body does
—
it breaks apart bonds to release the energy we need to contract our muscles, fire neural synapses and
smush
other chemicals together (creation of other bonds).
 
Energy is found in the molecular bonds of the food we eat
—
that's the ONLY intake of chemical bond energy into our bodies.
 
We don't suck chemicals/energy in through our ears or our eyeballs or our noses.
 
We poke chemicals down our pie holes, and our digestive system starts tearing it all apart into smaller chemicals and shuttling it all off to various places
—
either for immediate use
,
or storage for future use
, and
stuff we can't
do anything with heads on out
.