The Vicar of Wakefield (7 page)

'Besides, my dear Skeggs,' continued our Peeress, 'there is
nothing of this in the copy of verses that Dr Burdock made upon the
occasion.'—'FUDGE!'

'I am surprised at that,' cried Miss Skeggs; 'for he seldom
leaves any thing out, as he writes only for his own amusement. But
can your Ladyship favour me with a sight of them?'—'FUDGE!'

'My dear creature,' replied our Peeress, 'do you think I carry
such things about me? Though they are very fine to be sure, and I
think myself something of a judge; at least I know what pleases
myself. Indeed I was ever an admirer of all Doctor Burdock's little
pieces; for except what he does, and our dear Countess at
Hanover-Square, there's nothing comes out but the most lowest stuff
in nature; not a bit of high life among them.'—'FUDGE!'

'Your Ladyship should except,' says t'other, 'your own things in
the Lady's Magazine. I hope you'll say there's nothing low lived
there? But I suppose we are to have no more from that
quarter?'—'FUDGE!'

'Why, my dear,' says the Lady, 'you know my reader and companion
has left me, to be married to Captain Roach, and as my poor eyes
won't suffer me to write myself, I have been for some time looking
out for another. A proper person is no easy matter to find, and to
be sure thirty pounds a year is a small stipend for a well-bred
girl of character, that can read, write, and behave in company; as
for the chits about town, there is no bearing them about
one.'—'FUDGE!'

'That I know,' cried Miss Skeggs, 'by experience. For of the
three companions I had this last half year, one of them refused to
do plain-work an hour in the day, another thought twenty-five
guineas a year too small a salary, and I was obliged to send away
the third, because I suspected an intrigue with the chaplain.
Virtue, my dear Lady Blarney, virtue is worth any price; but where
is that to be found?'—'FUDGE!'

My wife had been for a long time all attention to this
discourse; but was particularly struck with the latter part of it.
Thirty pounds and twenty-five guineas a year made fifty-six pounds
five shillings English money, all which was in a manner going
a-begging, and might easily be secured in the family. She for a
moment studied my looks for approbation; and, to own a truth, I was
of opinion, that two such places would fit our two daughters
exactly. Besides, if the 'Squire had any real affection for my
eldest daughter, this would be the way to make her every way
qualified for her fortune. My wife therefore was resolved that we
should not be deprived of such advantages for want of assurance,
and undertook to harangue for the family. 'I hope,' cried she,
'your Ladyships will pardon my present presumption. It is true, we
have no right to pretend to such favours; but yet it is natural for
me to wish putting my children forward in the world. And I will be
bold to say my two girls have had a pretty good education, and
capacity, at least the country can't shew better. They can read,
write, and cast accompts; they understand their needle,
breadstitch, cross and change, and all manner of plain-work; they
can pink, point, and frill; and know something of music; they can
do up small cloaths, work upon catgut; my eldest can cut paper, and
my youngest has a very pretty manner of telling fortunes upon the
cards.'—'FUDGE!'

When she had delivered this pretty piece of eloquence, the two
ladies looked at each other a few minutes in silence, with an air
of doubt and importance. At last, Miss Carolina Wilelmina Amelia
Skeggs condescended to observe, that the young ladies, from the
opinion she could form of them from so slight an acquaintance,
seemed very fit for such employments: 'But a thing of this kind,
Madam,' cried she, addressing my spouse, requires a thorough
examination into characters, and a more perfect knowledge of each
other. Not, Madam,' continued she, 'that I in the least suspect the
young ladies virtue, prudence and discretion; but there is a form
in these things, Madam, there is a form.'

My wife approved her suspicions very much, observing, that she
was very apt to be suspicious herself; but referred her to all the
neighbours for a character: but this our Peeress declined as
unnecessary, alledging that her cousin Thornhill's recommendation
would be sufficient, and upon this we rested our petition.

Fortune seems resolved to humble the family of Wakefield.
Mortifications are often more painful than real calamities

When we were returned home, the night was dedicated to schemes
of future conquest. Deborah exerted much sagacity in conjecturing
which of the two girls was likely to have the best place, and most
opportunities of seeing good company. The only obstacle to our
preferment was in obtaining the 'Squire's recommendation; but he
had already shewn us too many instances of his friendship to doubt
of it now. Even in bed my wife kept up the usual theme: 'Well,
faith, my dear Charles, between ourselves, I think we have made an
excellent day's work of it.'—'Pretty well,' cried I, not knowing
what to say.—'What only pretty well!' returned she. 'I think it is
very well. Suppose the girls should come to make acquaintances of
taste in town! This I am assured of, that London is the only place
in the world for all manner of husbands. Besides, my dear, stranger
things happen every day: and as ladies of quality are so taken with
my daughters, what will not men of quality be! Entre nous, I
protest I like my Lady Blarney vastly, so very obliging. However,
Miss Carolina Wilelmina Anielia Skeggs has my warm heart. But yet,
when they came to talk of places in town, you saw at once how I
nailed them. Tell me, my dear, don't you think I did for my
children there?'—'Ay,' returned I, not knowing well what to think
of the matter, 'heaven grant they may be both the better for it
this day three months!' This was one of those observations I
usually made to impress my wife with an opinion of my sagacity; for
if the girls succeeded, then it was a pious wish fulfilled; but if
any thing unfortunate ensued, then it might be looked upon as a
prophecy. All this conversation, however, was only preparatory to
another scheme, and indeed I dreaded as much. This was nothing less
than, that as we were now to hold up our heads a little higher in
the world, it would be proper to sell the Colt, which was grown
old, at a neighbouring fair, and buy us an horse that would carry
single or double upon an occasion, and make a pretty appearance at
church or upon a visit. This at first I opposed stoutly; but it was
as stoutly defended. However, as I weakened, my antagonist gained
strength, till at last it was resolved to part with him.

As the fair happened on the following day, I had intentions of
going myself, but my wife persuaded me that I had got a cold, and
nothing could prevail upon her to permit me from home. 'No, my
dear,' said she, 'our son Moses is a discreet boy, and can buy and
sell to very good advantage; you know all our great bargains are of
his purchasing. He always stands out and higgles, and actually
tires them till he gets a bargain.'

As I had some opinion of my son's prudence, I was willing enough
to entrust him with this commission; and the next morning I
perceived his sisters mighty busy in fitting out Moses for the
fair; trimming his hair, brushing his buckles, and cocking his hat
with pins. The business of the toilet being over, we had at last
the satisfaction of seeing him mounted upon the Colt, with a deal
box before him to bring home groceries in. He had on a coat made of
that cloth they call thunder and lightning, which, though grown too
short, was much too good to be thrown away. His waistcoat was of
gosling green, and his sisters had tied his hair with a broad black
ribband. We all followed him several paces, from the door, bawling
after him good luck, good luck, till we could see him no
longer.

He was scarce gone, when Mr Thornhill's butler came to
congratulate us upon our good fortune, saying, that he overheard
his young master mention our names with great commendation.

Good fortune seemed resolved not to come alone. Another footman
from the same family followed, with a card for my daughters,
importing, that the two ladies had received such pleasing accounts
from Mr Thornhill of us all, that, after a few previous enquiries,
they hoped to be perfectly satisfied. 'Ay,' cried my wife, I now
see it is no easy matter to get into the families of the great; but
when one once gets in, then, as Moses says, one may go sleep.' To
this piece of humour, for she intended it for wit, my daughters
assented with a loud laugh of pleasure. In short, such was her
satisfaction at this message, that she actually put her hand in her
pocket, and gave the messenger seven-pence halfpenny.

This was to be our visiting-day. The next that came was Mr
Burchell, who had been at the fair. He brought my little ones a
pennyworth of gingerbread each, which my wife undertook to keep for
them, and give them by letters at a time. He brought my daughters
also a couple of boxes, in which they might keep wafers, snuff,
patches, or even money, when they got it. My wife was usually fond
of a weesel skin purse, as being the most lucky; but this by the
bye. We had still a regard for Mr Burchell, though his late rude
behaviour was in some measure displeasing; nor could we now avoid
communicating our happiness to him, and asking his advice: although
we seldom followed advice, we were all ready enough to ask it. When
he read the note from the two ladies, he shook his head, and
observed, that an affair of this sort demanded the utmost
circumspection.—This air of diffidence highly displeased my wife.
'I never doubted, Sir,' cried she, 'your readiness to be against my
daughters and me. You have more circumspection than is wanted.
However, I fancy when we come to ask advice, we will apply to
persons who seem to have made use of it themselves.'—'Whatever my
own conduct may have been, madam,' replied he, 'is not the present
question; tho' as I have made no use of advice myself, I should in
conscience give it to those that will.'—As I was apprehensive this
answer might draw on a repartee, making up by abuse what it wanted
in wit, I changed the subject, by seeming to wonder what could keep
our son so long at the fair, as it was now almost nightfall.—'Never
mind our son,' cried my wife, 'depend upon it he knows what he is
about. I'll warrant we'll never see him sell his hen of a rainy
day. I have seen him buy such bargains as would amaze one. I'll
tell you a good story about that, that will make you split your
sides with laughing—But as I live, yonder comes Moses, without an
horse, and the box at his back.'

As she spoke, Moses came slowly on foot, and sweating under the
deal box, which he had strapt round his shoulders like a
pedlar.—'Welcome, welcome, Moses; well, my boy, what have you
brought us from the fair?'—'I have brought you myself,' cried
Moses, with a sly look, and resting the box on the dresser.—'Ay,
Moses,' cried my wife, 'that we know, but where is the horse?' 'I
have sold him,' cried Moses, 'for three pounds five shillings and
two-pence.'—'Well done, my good boy,' returned she, 'I knew you
would touch them off. Between ourselves, three pounds five
shillings and two-pence is no bad day's work. Come, let us have it
then.'—'I have brought back no money,' cried Moses again. 'I have
laid it all out in a bargain, and here it is,' pulling out a bundle
from his breast: 'here they are; a groce of green spectacles, with
silver rims and shagreen cases.'—'A groce of green spectacles!'
repeated my wife in a faint voice. 'And you have parted with the
Colt, and brought us back nothing but a groce of green paltry
spectacles!'—'Dear mother,' cried the boy, 'why won't you listen to
reason? I had them a dead bargain, or I should not have bought
them. The silver rims alone will sell for double money.'—'A fig for
the silver rims,' cried my wife, in a passion: 'I dare swear they
won't sell for above half the money at the rate of broken silver,
five shillings an ounce.'—'You need be under no uneasiness,' cried
I, 'about selling the rims; for they are not worth six-pence, for I
perceive they are only copper varnished over.'—'What,' cried my
wife, 'not silver, the rims not silver!' 'No,' cried I, 'no more
silver than your saucepan,'—'And so,' returned she, 'we have parted
with the Colt, and have only got a groce of green spectacles, with
copper rims and shagreen cases! A murrain take such trumpery. The
blockhead has been imposed upon, and should have known his company
better.'—'There, my dear,' cried I, 'you are wrong, he should not
have known them at all.'—'Marry, hang the ideot,' returned she, 'to
bring me such stuff, if I had them, I would throw them in the
fire.' 'There again you are wrong, my dear,' cried I; 'for though
they be copper, we will keep them by us, as copper spectacles, you
know, are better than nothing.'

By this time the unfortunate Moses was undeceived. He now saw
that he had indeed been imposed upon by a prowling sharper, who,
observing his figure, had marked him for an easy prey. I therefore
asked the circumstances of his deception. He sold the horse, it
seems, and walked the fair in search of another. A reverend looking
man brought him to a tent, under pretence of having one to sell.
'Here,' continued Moses, 'we met another man, very well drest, who
desired to borrow twenty pounds upon these, saying, that he wanted
money, and would dispose of them for a third of the value. The
first gentleman, who pretended to be my friend, whispered me to buy
them, and cautioned me not to let so good an offer pass. I sent for
Mr Flamborough, and they talked him up as finely as they did me,
and so at last we were persuaded to buy the two groce between
us.'

Mr Burchell is found to be an enemy; for he has the confidence
to give disagreeable advice

Our family had now made several attempts to be fine; but some
unforeseen disaster demolished each as soon as projected. I
endeavoured to take the advantage of every disappointment, to
improve their good sense in proportion as they were frustrated in
ambition. 'You see, my children,' cried I, 'how little is to be got
by attempts to impose upon the world, in coping with our betters.
Such as are poor and will associate with none but the rich, are
hated by those they avoid, and despised by these they follow.
Unequal combinations are always disadvantageous to the weaker side:
the rich having the pleasure, and the poor the inconveniencies that
result from them. But come, Dick, my boy, and repeat the fable that
you were reading to-day, for the good of the company.'.