The Vicar of Wakefield (6 page)

The two ladies, who affected to be ignorant of the rest, seemed
highly displeased with this last stroke of freedom, and began a
very discreet and serious dialogue upon virtue: in this my wife,
the chaplain, and I, soon joined; and the 'Squire himself was at
last brought to confess a sense of sorrow for his former excesses.
We talked of the pleasures of temperance, and of the sun-shine in
the mind unpolluted with guilt. I was so well pleased, that my
little ones were kept up beyond the usual time to be edified by so
much good conversation. Mr Thornhill even went beyond me, and
demanded if I had any objection to giving prayers. I joyfully
embraced the proposal, and in this manner the night was passed in a
most comfortable way, till at last the company began to think of
returning. The ladies seemed very unwilling to part with my
daughters; for whom they had conceived a particular affection, and
joined in a request to have the pleasure of their company home. The
'Squire seconded the proposal, and my wife added her entreaties:
the girls too looked upon me as if they wished to go. In this
perplexity I made two or three excuses, which my daughters as
readily removed; so that at last I was obliged to give a peremptory
refusal; for which we had nothing but sullen looks and short
answers the whole day ensuing.

The family endeavours to cope with their betters. The miseries
of the poor when they attempt to appear above their
circumstances

I now began to find that all my long and painful lectures upon
temperance, simplicity, and contentment, were entirely disregarded.
The distinctions lately paid us by our betters awaked that pride
which I had laid asleep, but not removed. Our windows again, as
formerly, were filled with washes for the neck and face. The sun
was dreaded as an enemy to the skin without doors, and the fire as
a spoiler of the complexion within. My wife observed, that rising
too early would hurt her daughters' eyes, that working after dinner
would redden their noses, and she convinced me that the hands never
looked so white as when they did nothing. Instead therefore of
finishing George's shirts, we now had them new modelling their old
gauzes, or flourishing upon catgut. The poor Miss Flamboroughs,
their former gay companions, were cast off as mean acquaintance,
and the whole conversation ran upon high life and high lived
company, with pictures, taste, Shakespear, and the musical
glasses.

But we could have borne all this, had not a fortune-telling
gypsey come to raise us into perfect sublimity. The tawny sybil no
sooner appeared, than my girls came running to me for a shilling a
piece to cross her hand with silver. To say the truth, I was tired
of being always wise, and could not help gratifying their request,
because I loved to see them happy. I gave each of them a shilling;
though, for the honour of the family, it must be observed, that
they never went without money themselves, as my wife always
generously let them have a guinea each, to keep in their pockets;
but with strict injunctions never to change it. After they had been
closetted up with the fortune-teller for some time, I knew by their
looks, upon their returning, that they had been promised something
great.—'Well, my girls, how have you sped? Tell me, Livy, has the
fortune-teller given thee a pennyworth?'—'I protest, pappa,' says
the girl, 'I believe she deals with some body that's not right; for
she positively declared, that I am to be married to a 'Squire in
less than a twelvemonth!'—'Well now, Sophy, my child,' said I, 'and
what sort of a husband are you to have?' 'Sir,' replied she, 'I am
to have a Lord soon after my sister has married the
'Squire.'—'How,' cried I, 'is that all you are to have for your two
shillings! Only a Lord and a 'Squire for two shillings! You fools,
I could have promised you a Prince and a Nabob for half the money.'
This curiosity of theirs, however, was attended with very serious
effects: we now began to think ourselves designed by the stars for
something exalted, and already anticipated our future grandeur. It
has been a thousand times observed, and I must observe it once
more, that the hours we pass with happy prospects in view, are more
pleasing than those crowned with fruition. In the first case we
cook the dish to our own appetite; in the latter nature cooks it
for us. It is impossible to repeat the train of agreeable reveries
we called up for our entertainment. We looked upon our fortunes as
once more rising; and as the whole parish asserted that the 'Squire
was in love with my daughter, she was actually so with him; for
they persuaded her into the passion. In this agreeable interval, my
wife had the most lucky dreams in the world, which she took care to
tell us every morning, with great solemnity and exactness. It was
one night a coffin and cross bones, the sign of an approaching
wedding: at another time she imagined her daughters' pockets filled
with farthings, a certain sign of their being shortly stuffed with
gold. The girls themselves had their omens. They felt strange
kisses on their lips; they saw rings in the candle, purses bounced
from the fire, and true love-knots lurked in the bottom of every
tea-cup.

Towards the end of the week we received a card from the town
ladies; in which, with their compliments, they hoped to see all our
family at church the Sunday following. All Saturday morning I could
perceive, in consequence of this, my wife and daughters in close
conference together, and now and then glancing at me with looks
that betrayed a latent plot. To be sincere, I had strong suspicions
that some absurd proposal was preparing for appearing with splendor
the next day. In the evening they began their operations in a very
regular manner, and my wife undertook to conduct the siege. After
tea, when I seemed in spirits, she began thus.—'I fancy, Charles,
my dear, we shall have a great deal of good company at our church
to-morrow,'—'Perhaps we may, my dear,' returned I; 'though you need
be under no uneasiness about that, you shall have a sermon whether
there be or not.'—'That is what I expect,' returned she; 'but I
think, my dear, we ought to appear there as decently as possible,
for who knows what may happen?' 'Your precautions,' replied I, 'are
highly commendable. A decent behaviour and appearance in church is
what charms me. We should be devout and humble, chearful and
serene.'—'Yes,' cried she, 'I know that; but I mean we should go
there in as proper a manner as possible; not altogether like the
scrubs about us.' 'You are quite right, my dear,' returned I, 'and
I was going to make the very same proposal. The proper manner of
going is, to go there as early as possible, to have time for
meditation before the service begins.'—'Phoo, Charles,' interrupted
she, 'all that is very true; but not what I would be at. I mean, we
should go there genteelly. You know the church is two miles off,
and I protest I don't like to see my daughters trudging up to their
pew all blowzed and red with walking, and, looking for all the
world as if they had been winners at a smock race. Now, my dear, my
proposal is this: there are our two plow horses, the Colt that has
been in our family these nine years, and his companion Blackberry,
that have scarce done an earthly thing for this month past. They
are both grown fat and lazy. Why should not they do something as
well as we? And let me tell you, when Moses has trimmed them a
little, they will cut a very tolerable figure.' To this proposal I
objected, that walking would be twenty times more genteel than such
a paltry conveyance, as Blackberry was wall-eyed, and the Colt
wanted a tail: that they had never been broke to the rein; but had
an hundred vicious tricks; and that we had but one saddle and
pillion in the whole house. All these objections, however, were
over-ruled; so that I was obliged to comply. The next morning I
perceived them not a little busy in collecting such materials as
might be necessary for the expedition; but as I found it would be a
business of time, I walked on to the church before, and they
promised speedily to follow. I waited near an hour in the reading
desk for their arrival; but not finding them come as expected, I
was obliged to begin, and went through the service, not without
some uneasiness at finding them absent. This was encreased when all
was finished, and no appearance of the family. I therefore walked
back by the horse-way, which was five miles round, tho' the
foot-way was but two, and when got about half way home, perceived
the procession marching slowly forward towards the church; my son,
my wife, and the two little ones exalted upon one horse, and my two
daughters upon the other. I demanded the cause of their delay; but
I soon found by their looks they had met with a thousand
misfortunes on the road. The horses had at first refused to move
from the door, till Mr Burchell was kind enough to beat them
forward for about two hundred yards with his cudgel. Next the
straps of my wife's pillion broke down, and they were obliged to
stop to repair them before they could proceed. After that, one of
the horses took it into his head to stand still, and neither blows
nor entreaties could prevail with him to proceed. It was just
recovering from this dismal situation that I found them; but
perceiving every thing safe, I own their present mortification did
not much displease me, as it would give me many opportunities of
future triumph, and teach my daughters more humility.

Michaelmas eve happening on the next day, we were invited to
burn nuts and play tricks at neighbour Flamborough's. Our late
mortifications had humbled us a little, or it is probable we might
have rejected such an invitation with contempt: however, we
suffered ourselves to be happy. Our honest neighbour's goose and
dumplings were fine, and the lamb's-wool, even in the opinion of my
wife, who was a connoiseur, was excellent. It is true, his manner
of telling stories was not quite so well. They were very long, and
very dull, and all about himself, and we had laughed at them ten
times before: however, we were kind enough to laugh at them once
more.

Mr Burchell, who was of the party, was always fond of seeing
some innocent amusement going forward, and set the boys and girls
to blind man's buff. My wife too was persuaded to join in the
diversion, and it gave me pleasure to think she was not yet too
old. In the mean time, my neighbour and I looked on, laughed at
every feat, and praised our own dexterity when we were young. Hot
cockles succeeded next, questions and commands followed that, and
last of all, they sate down to hunt the slipper. As every person
may not be acquainted with this primaeval pastime, it may be
necessary to observe, that the company at this play themselves in a
ring upon the ground, all, except one who stands in the middle,
whose business it is to catch a shoe, which the company shove about
under their hams from one to another, something like a weaver's
shuttle. As it is impossible, in this case, for the lady who is up
to face all the company at once, the great beauty of the play lies
in hitting her a thump with the heel of the shoe on that side least
capable of making a defence. It was in this manner that my eldest
daughter was hemmed in, and thumped about, all blowzed, in spirits,
and bawling for fair play, fair play, with a voice that might
deafen a ballad singer, when confusion on confusion, who should
enter the room but our two great acquaintances from town, Lady
Blarney and Miss Carolina Wilelmina Amelia Skeggs! Description
would but beggar, therefore it is unnecessary to describe this new
mortification. Death! To be seen by ladies of such high breeding in
such vulgar attitudes! Nothing better could ensue from such a
vulgar play of Mr Flamborough's proposing. We seemed stuck to the
ground for some time, as if actually petrified with amazement.

The two ladies had been at our house to see us, and finding us
from home, came after us hither, as they were uneasy to know what
accident could have kept us from church the day before. Olivia
undertook to be our prolocutor, and delivered the whole in a
summary way, only saying, 'We were thrown from our horses.' At
which account the ladies were greatly concerned; but being told the
family received no hurt, they were extremely glad: but being
informed that we were almost killed by the fright, they were vastly
sorry; but hearing that we had a very good night, they were
extremely glad again. Nothing could exceed their complaisance to my
daughters; their professions the last evening were warm, but now
they were ardent. They protested a desire of having a more lasting
acquaintance. Lady Blarney was particularly attached to Olivia;
Miss Carolina Wilelmina Amelia Skeggs (I love to give the whole
name) took a greater fancy to her sister. They supported the
conversation between themselves, while my daughters sate silent,
admiring their exalted breeding. But as every reader, however
beggarly himself, is fond of high-lived dialogues, with anecdotes
of Lords, Ladies, and Knights of the Garter, I must beg leave to
give him the concluding part of the present conversation. 'All that
I know of the matter,' cried Miss Skeggs, 'is this, that it may be
true, or it may not be true: but this I can assure your Ladyship,
that the whole rout was in amaze; his Lordship turned all manner of
colours, my Lady fell into a sound; but Sir Tomkyn, drawing his
sword, swore he was her's to the last drop of his blood.' 'Well,'
replied our Peeress, 'this I can say, that the Dutchess never told
me a syllable of the matter, and I believe her Grace would keep
nothing a secret from me. This you may depend upon as fact, that
the next morning my Lord Duke cried out three times to his valet de
chambre, Jernigan, Jernigan, Jernigan, bring me my garters.'

But previously I should have mentioned the very impolite
behaviour of Mr Burchell, who, during this discourse, sate with his
face turned to the fire, and at the conclusion of every sentence
would cry out FUDGE! an expression which displeased us all, and in
some measure damped the rising spirit of the conversation.