The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (24 page)

“You taught me that too, my friend.”

Okay…I guess since you’re reading this letter, it’s time you finally knew why I never had time to join you on my front porch.  Put the letter down and open my closet.

I place the letter on the bed, walk to the closet, and cautiously open it like she’s in there waiting for me.  Of course she’s not.  But, what’s there is almost as shocking.  Not taking my eyes off of what I’m looking at, I walk backward to the letter.

Each video represents a year of Kendall’s life that I’ll be missing.  As of today, I’m at her sixteenth year.  Yep, when I get done with this letter I’m heading out to my car to videotape myself in the driver’s seat.  I’ll die all over again if I know my child is operating a vehicle the same way we did when we were teenagers. My head spins with worry just thinking about not being there to keep an eye on every move she makes.  I know I won’t be, but with these videos I can show her how much I wanted to be and how good of a mother I would’ve been.   I made these videos for Craig, but since you’re reading this letter, they’re yours now.  I need you to promise that you’ll watch each and every one and implement my lessons, my ideals…my love.  Kendall can start viewing them when you think she’s old enough to handle it.  I know this is an unexpected list with staggering expectations, but say you’ll promise, right now.

Looking back up at the videos I let out a nervous, “I promise.”

Good girl.  Now…Since I know you better than you know yourself, your mind is screaming, “WHY ME?”  Okay, one…get over yourself!  Sometimes shit just happens.  Look at what’s going on with me.  And, two…through the confusing events of the last few years of your life, you showed me that the difference between doing something and doing nothing is everything.  I wanted to give up the minute those doctors told me I was going to die.  But, I mustered up the courage to make these videos for Kendall. By putting my anger and helplessness aside, I hope that doing something will, in the end, mean everything to my daughter.  Make good choices for her.  I trust you.  K.

Slowly I rise and walk toward the closet, pondering everything I just read. Not once since Craig died have I asked myself, “
Why me?”
  In fact, the only thought going through my mind has been,
“It can only be me.”
  From the moment Kurt dropped to his knees and told me Craig was dead, I’ve been prepared to take care of Kendall.  But as I now glide my fingers across the videos, I worry that I will never be prepared to watch my best friend deteriorate before my very eyes.

Burnt

February, 2002

“That’s all I get?”

The attorney is looking at Kurt like he should be happy he only got Kendall for a couple of days a week.  And, I’m looking at him like he better not ask for more.  This is what Kelly wants and this is what Kendall is going to get.

Clearly, he’s not satisfied with the news he’s just been delivered, and he sits upright in his chair when he infuriatingly addresses the attorney.

“Hold on a minute, I just need to get this straight…If Chrissy gets married, Kendall will basically live with the guy for…
five days a week?”

Addressing him like he’s a fool for not seeing the bright side of this set up, the sleazy attorney says, “Yeah…and conversely if YOU get married, you and your new wife will have the child for
two
days a week.”  Then addressing us both, “However, according to the will, Kurt, you have the option to back out of visitation at any time, by simply signing this piece of paper.”  Kurt takes the paper the attorney is dangling in the air and tosses it in the garbage.

“What about Chrissy, can she opt out?”

“Are you joking with that, Kurt?”

“Hey, it’s a reasonable question.  You’re the one starting a new life.”  Insistently speaking back to the attorney,   “Well…
can she?”

“It’s not that easy for her.  She can contest the guardianship, but it would most likely mean Kendall would be put into foster care until the court determines new caregivers.  You, or her grandparents, could fight for that role, but clearly, this is not what her parents wanted to happen.  They’ve chosen your ex-wife.”

“Can Chrissy decide to give me more visitation?”

“Kurt, what are you doing?”

“What I think is best for Kendall.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? 
You don’t think I’m the best for her
?  Do you think I’ll…what was it you said years ago, ‘have to bum a bagel off of someone in the school parking lot to feed her?’”

“It’s not you I’m worried about.”

“Jesus Christ, Kurt, he loves her too!”

“How the hell can he love her?  He just met her like five minutes ago!”

The attorney holds up his hands in the air and interrupts our spat.

“Ahhhh, so I take it there’s a new Mr. Chrissy on the horizon…”

“Yeah, and what if I’m not happy about that for Kendall?”

The unsympathetic sleazebag attorney tells Kurt exactly what he didn’t want to hear.

“Sorry my friend, but you’re just gonna have to be unhappy like the other three million ex-husbands out there.  The will of Kendall’s parent’s wants what it wants.  You have no say in this arrangement other than opting out of your visitation. But just know, once you opt out, you can’t opt back in.  Mr. and Mrs. Chrissy will have the child one hundred percent of the time.”

“What about the appointments with the child psychologist?  Can I still go to those?”

“The choice is your ex-wife’s.  The only thing this document gives you is the right to have Kendall with you on the weekends.  However, the will doesn’t specify
every single
weekend, only that the schedule needs to be consistent. The exact rotation has to be worked out between the two of you…”  Looking down at the will, “…within thirty days.  If you agree with this, you just need to sign here.”

Kurt irritably grabs the last page of the document from the attorney and signs his name at the bottom, effectively agreeing with the terms of it.  Before he storms out, he says to me, “I will never opt out of my time with Kendall.  The only opting out will be from your engagement when that guy finds out I’m not going anywhere.”

After Kurt storms out of the office, the attorney turns to me.

“That tough guy act didn’t fool me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Looks like someone still wishes they could play house with you.”

As I sign my part of the document, effectively making me Kendall’s legal guardian, his rudeness continues.

“I guess since you’re getting married though he can wish in one hand and crap in the other, huh?”

I ease his curiosity as I hand the papers back to him.  I say, rather numbly, “Yep, that house burned down a long time ago.”

Pummeled

February, 2002

“Holy shit,
two million dollars?”

“Jesus, with all of that money why the hell was she hanging on to all of those fluorescent clothes from high school?”

It’s the one year anniversary of Kelly’s death and the first time Courtney, Nicole, and I have been to the cemetery since Craig died.  And, as we walk closer to the gravesite, we see that he’s parked right next to his wife now.  The three of us stare at the morbid setting for a minute before we quietly start setting up the picnic.

Always one to ask the nitty-gritty questions, Nicole dives into the cash management.

“So how does all of that loot get doled out?”

“It’s in a trust.  I get a fixed amount every month to pay for the necessities: school, food, entertainment stuff…and the amount increases a little every year until she turns eighteen. That’s when the rest is hers to do what she wants.”

“Wow, lucky kid.”

Before Nicole notices the disgust on Courtney’s face and mine, she’s quick to reach her hand out, touch Kelly’s tombstone, and recant.

“Omigod, I’m such an asshole. I didn’t mean that AT ALL!” 

I give her a kiss and tell her, “She knows.”

“What?  That I’m an asshole or I didn’t mean it?”

“Both.”

After a few quiet minutes of my friends processing the fact that I’m Kendall’s legal guardian, I ask them if they’re okay with it.

“We kind of assumed.  I mean, she’s been living with you since day one.”

“Yeah, it’s okay, Chrissy.  You don’t have to feel bad.  We knew Kelly didn’t want Kendall in daycare and that’s where she would’ve ended up if either of us got custody of her.  Plus, we know how much you love her.  You’re gonna do a great job of raising her.”

“I wish I was as optimistic as you two about this.  I’m scared to death I’m gonna screw her up.”

Leaning in to give me a big supportive hug, they chime, “Welcome to motherhood.”

After a much needed pep talk from my experienced mom-friends, I grab two beers, one for me and one for the top of Kelly’s tombstone.  But then I suddenly remember, due to Kendall, I don’t drink anymore.  I place Kelly’s in its usual spot and pause for a second before I place the other one on Craig’s.

“This is so sickening.”

I couldn’t agree more with Nicole’s claim, and I could talk about how nauseating the scene is until the sun goes down.  But, never one to stay in a dismal emotional state for long, Courtney changes the subject to one that only proves dismal for me.

“How did Kurt take the news about Kendall?”

“Not good.  Mumbled something about never giving up his visitation and fuck Leo if he thinks he’s gonna raise Kendall.”

“Oh shit.  That’s intense.”

“Probably not as intense as what Leo said though, right Chrissy?”

I know Nicole is inquiring because she truly cares about me, but I don’t want to tell her Leo’s real reaction for fear it’ll get back to Kurt and fuel his fire.

“Leo said he loves me.  He’ll do anything to make me and Kendall happy.”

In reality, I called Leo when I left the attorney’s office, and while he told me he loves me, he’s one hundred percent NOT happy with the visitation arrangement.  In fact, his exact words were, “I’m not sure how much deeper I can dig on this.”  The minute I got back to work that day, I cried my eyes out with worry as I told my yoga team the truth about Leo’s frustration.  And when I did that, I created a brand new reason to keep my old best friends away from my new great ones.  That girl’s night out thing is NEVER happening if I have any say in it.

“That’s surprising.”

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno, with his short fuse and the way he pummeled Kurt…You’d think the guy would freak out if he knew he’d have to engage with him during every Kendall tradeoff.”

Do’h!  I hate hearing the truth!  I feel defensive Chrissy kicking into gear.

“First of all, Kurt started that fight so it’s not really fair to call him the one with the short fuse, and second of all, Leo knows exactly what he’s getting by marrying me and Kendall.  In fact, I can’t think of anyone else strong enough to handle that kind of pressure.”

“Correction, with all of that visitation, he’s kind of marrying you, Kendall,
and
Kurt.”

Courtney, sensing by my silence that I’m plagued by what Nicole just said, switches the subject to something she thinks is more positive.

“When do you think he’ll be back from New York?”

“The original plan was next month, but it’s now delayed by two months…he thinks.”

“What’s his relationship like with Kendall?”

Aware that she struck an irritated-chord with that question, she’s quick to defend it.

“We know he’s a great guy, adores you, and all of that.  It’s hard to just suddenly be a dad, though. Just wondering how he’s handling it.”

“He sends her gifts, calls her all of the time.  All of that snipe hunting they used to do went far to win her over.  Trust me, that little girl adores him.”

Throwing a potato chip at me, Nicole chimes in with, “You wanna know what I’m worried about?”

“How you’re gonna get that giant stain out of your pants?  Seriously, Nic, what is it with you and coffee drinks?”

“Shut up!  No, I’m worried about that great big sex life of yours!”

“What the heck are you talking about?”

“Dude, you live in a six hundred square foot box…with a kid!”

“Yeah girl, Nicole’s right.  You’re gonna have to get a longer hallway between you two and Kendall.   Oh, and you should probably get some locks on the doors.”

I turn my head swiftly back to Nicole who’s apparently got more insight to add to my sexless future.

“Well, that’s only if you have the energy to have sex.  The older the kids get, the later they stay up.  By the time they konk out, you’re too damn tired to even lay there while he pounds away at you.  It’s too much freakin’ work after all of the work you already did that day, half of which you don’t even talk about because…you’re too damn tired!”

My head darts back at Courtney looking for some kind of positive spin on this subject.  But there’s none to be found.

She shrugs her shoulders and lets it rip. “There’s always the morning though, you know, at around six when you know for sure the kid is still asleep.  Of course, you look like shit and you’re breath smells like ass, but you won’t look at each other anyway.  He’ll just pull your pj’s down and stick it in from behind.  The good thing about that position though is you can doze off for a few more minutes.”

Nicole laughs and slaps her on the shoulder. “You do that too?”

Horrified, I stare at my friends before I say, “C’mon you guys, it’s not that bad…is it?”

Reaching for another beer, sarcastic Nicole replies, “You were married before.  Tell us, did the sex get better as time went on?”

“Well…no!  But, with Leo it’s different!”

Looking at me like she ain’t buying what I’m selling, Nicole keeps at it.

“There are those occasional nights though, you know…when you get hammered at a girl’s night out or something.  You come home all drunk and crawl into bed and have crazy sex like you used to have
before
kids.”