The Twitter History of the World (5 page)

@ThomasJefferson
…unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
10.11am, July 4, 1776

@ThomasDay
@ThomasJefferson Nice words. But what about all those slaves you’ve got? Are they going to be equal too?
4.22pm, July 4, 1776

The Declaration of Independence formally announced that the American colonies considered themselves as independent states. It attracted admiration but also questions – including from English slavery abolitionist Thomas Day who asked how its author, Thomas Jefferson, squared talk of equality with his own record of holding hundreds of slaves.

@NapoleonBonaparte
Ooh la la…ve have conquered Egypt and now ve vill block ze British trade routes vith India
11.05am, July 1, 1748

@HoratioNelson
Oh no you don’t, @NapoleonBonaparte…
2.22pm, August 1, 1748

@NapoleonBonaparte
Okay, zis time we will get the English. Bring on ze Battle of Trafalgar.
6.12am, October 20, 1805

@HoratioNelson
England expects that every man will do his duty.
7.30am, October 20, 1805

@HoratioNelson
French AND Spanish fleets destroyed. None of our ships lost. BOOM!
5.30pm, October 21, 1805

@NapoleonBonaparte
I am still crying – and not just because of ze onions. But we vill get ze English tomorrow at Waterloo.
11.05am, June 17, 1815

@DukeOfWellington
37,000 French troops killed. Battle won.
#MeetYourWaterloo @NapoleonBonaparte!
9.12pm, June 18, 1815

@NapoleonBonaparte
My (short) arse is yours. I surrender.
9.14pm, June 18, 1815

Horatio Nelson and the Duke of Wellington guided Britain to a series of famous victories over France during the 18th and 19th centuries. This culminated in the Battle of Waterloo, after which Napoleon surrendered to the British and was exiled to Saint Helena.

@WilliamWordsworth
So fed up that I haven’t got any followers on Twitter. I feel as lonely as a cloud here.
10.13am, April 2, 1804

@WilliamWordsworth
But there is a bliss of solitude. And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils.
10.14am, April 2, 1804

‘How is it Shakespeare didn’t get writers’ block?’

@WilliamWordsworth
Oh. Suddenly got a rush of new followers and RTs. Smooth!
10.16am, April 2, 1804

William Wordsworth’s poems ushered in the English Romantic Movement. His verses were often influenced by nature and scenery.

@KingGeorge
It’s great here, isn’t it? I love Facebook!
3.12am, April 2, 1814

@KingGeorge
#theawkwardmomentwhen you ruin a dinner party by writhing round on the table, whilst screaming about 12-legged green squirrels
11.59am, October 13, 1815

@KingGeorge
Just did a handstand. A naked handstand. At a funeral. LOL!
3.12am, May 1, 1816

@KingGeorge
#FF No one. Don’t follow anyone. Everyone is out to get you. Yipzudooddooo, fgarrrrfeeeelalalalazzzzzzz…
3.12am, February 1, 1817

@KingGeorge
About to eat breakfast: whale vindaloo, couple of pints of petrol and a mattress.
3.12am, July 12, 1818

@KingGeorge
I think my eye sight’s going. Fuck a duck – I won’t be able to see my Easter eggs tomorrow!
6.22pm, December 24, 1819

@KingGeorge
fvndxnxxf,,ff8z3dx5456,nn559 4-4-44-4-ggh0hj;][‘@s’s’’h0hjh
2.12am, December 25, 1819

Having ruled Britain for 59 years, King George III suffered from dementia and blindness in the last years of his life. He died in 1820 at Windsor Castle.

@Grauniad
Tody we luanch the newspapre: a front page splash about a Nicaraguan poet, a lentil recipe, social worker job ads and bisexual horoscopes.
6.05am, May 5, 1821

@Grauniad
Our slogan will be: Comment is free, but facts are scared
6.06am, May 5, 1821

@GrauniadReader
@Grauniad Comrades, I noticed quite a few errors in your paper today
11.02pm, May 5, 1821

@Grauniad
You’re joking, right? LOAM!
11.42pm, May 5, 1821

The
Guardian
newspaper – first called the
Manchester Guardian
– was launched in 1821.

@Correspondent
So excited about the Penny Black postage stamp that got launched today. Am queuing at the post office to send my first letter.
9.31am, May 1, 1840

@Correspondent
Still queuing.
9.31am, May 1, 1940

@Correspondent
Actually still queuing.
9.31am, May 1, 1980

@Correspondent
Fuck it – I’ll Tweet them instead.
9.31am, July 15, 2006

The world’s first official adhesive postage stamp, the Penny Black, was first issued in Britain in
1840. The English love of queuing was about to get sorely tested.

@KarlMarx
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggle.
10.05am, February 21, 1848

@FriedrichEngels
Dude, I’m totally up for this #communism thing. What could possibly go wrong?
10.06am, February 21, 1848

@JosephStalin
@KarlMarx @FriedrichEngels Hello…
10.06am, December 18, 1879

The Communist Manifesto, written by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, was published in 1848. It lay the foundation of the communist movement. Joseph Stalin became the supreme ruler of the Soviet Union, causing the suffering and deaths of tens of millions of people.

@SamuelMorse
Twitter is all very well but I’ve just developed a much better way of communicating. Just use dots, dashes, dits and dahs. #MorseCode
11.06pm, June 15, 1835

@SamuelMorse
It’s going to be amazing! What do you think: awesome or what?
11.09pm, June 15, 1835

@SamuelMorse
Anyone?
11.22pm, June 15, 1835

@SamuelMorse
Okay, how about this one. *Stop* I’ll call it the telegraph. *Stop* What do you think of it? *Stop* Better than Twitter, innit? *Stop*
4.12pm, May 24 1844

@SamuelMorse
Why do I even bother?
4.14pm, May 24 1844

Morse code and telegraphy, both invented by Samuel Morse, revolutionised communications and were, in a sense, forerunners of Twitter.