The Twitter History of the World

Historians are gossips who tease the dead.
(@Voltaire)

Follow the authors on Twitter:

Kelvin MacKenzie: @MacKenzieKelvin
Chas Newkey-Burden: @AllThatChas

All ‘tweets’ in this book are the authors’. They are fictional and do not necessarily represent actual tweets. Any connection with such tweets appearing on Twitter is purely coincidental. This book is not official Twitter merchandise and has not been authorised by Twitter.

@God
Been working like a dog for six days creating heaven + earth. Getting the firmaments right was a bitch. Enough already – DM if you need me.
11.59pm, 6 January, 0000

Whether you believe in the big bang theory, or that God created the world in six days, this page represents the day the universe started. This is ‘Tweet zero’.

@God
Awesome: @Adam has got a Twitter account, so I’ll be able to keep an eye on him and @Eve. Guys, don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge.
8.12am, 9 January, 0000

@Serpent
@Adam @Eve Don’t listen to him. Eat from the tree of knowledge all you like. What happens in Eden stays in Eden.
11.44am, 9 January, 0000

@Eve
Wow, the fruit from that tree is #Nom! @Adam had some too. We’re both rocking the fig leaf look now. Does my bum look big in this?
2.21pm, 9 January, 0000

@God
@Adam @Eve Erm, remember I follow you guys on Twitter. I saw what you did – you guys are sooo in the crap now.
2.24pm, 9 January, 0000

@Adam
#FML
2.26pm, 9 January, 0000
[Retweeted by @Eve]

This mini-saga of a man, a woman, a snake and a tree is filled with symbolism in the eyes of some religions.

@Noah
As if the weather forecast said there was only a 40% chance of rain! Who’s even running this show? 11.48am, 12 March, 0000

@DisgustedofTunbridgeWells
I know, right? All this rain but do they cancel the hosepipe ban? Like heck they do – tut!
11.49am, 12 March, 0000

@Noah
It’s biblical correctness gone mad. Ah well, best get gathering some animals for the #ark.
11.52am, 12 March, 0000

According to the book of Genesis, Noah saved himself, his family and a whole bunch of animals when the world was flooded.

@Lot
Relieved to see the back of Sodom (as it were).
Shame my wife became a pillar of salt, but #shithappens.
1.19pm, 30 March, 0000

@Lot
One of my daughters has got me some wine.
Gonna push the boat out and get wasted tonight.
6.54pm, 2 April, 0000

@Lot
Major league hangover situation going on today, but my other daughter has also got some wine.
I’m badass.
7.02pm, 3 April, 0000

@Lot
You know when you get so drunk two nights running that you shag both your daughters? That.
11.48am, 4 April, 0000

Imagine leaving Sodom only to get caught in a trap of incestuous drunkenness. Funny times.

@DailyExpress
Cave prices doomed as asteroid heads for earth! See pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 – and commemorative ‘Oh Crap!’ supplement
6.00am, 65,000000 BC

@TRex
@DailyExpress An asteroid? Last week it was Muslims, before that – chavs, before that – dangerous dogs. We’re, like, whatever!
6.01am, 65,000000 BC

@Asteroid
Hey @Earth, prepare for the ultimate spam…
6.29am, 65,000000 BC

@Earth
Oh shit, where’s that ‘block’ button when you need it?
6.30am, 65,000000 BC

Dinosaurs are believed to have become extinct when earth was hit by a huge asteroid approximately 65 million years ago.

@Israelites
@Moses Okay, looks like @Pharaoh took your #FF a tad seriously and is *literally* following us…
5.11 am, 1300 BC

@Pharaoh
I’m coming to get you, @Israelites!
5.14 am, 1300 BC

@Moses
Fear not, @Israelites, watch this… *parts Sea of Reeds* #swag
7.11 am, 1300 BC

According to Biblical legend, as the Israelites fled Egypt they were chased by Pharaoh. When they arrived at the Red Sea, Moses magically parted the waters to allow the Israelites safe passage, and then sent the water crashing over the Egyptians when they tried to follow.

@Moses
Totally bored on Mount Sinai. Anyone got any suggestions?
12.34pm, 1301BC

@God
@Moses Have no other gods, no idols, don’t blaspheme, keep sabbath, honour your parents, no killing, adultery, theft, lies, or envy.
12.34pm, 1301BC

@Moses
@God OMG – will RT and follow you back!
12.34pm, 1301BC

According to the biblical book of Exodus, God inscribed the Ten Commandments on two stone tablets, and gave them to Moses on Mount Sinai.

@PharaohKhufu
I need something built. I want it to be 481ft tall & weigh 5.9million tonnes. Can you recommend someone? A Pole would be nice #pyramidscheme
09.15am, 2540BC

@CairoPractors
@PharaohKhufu See…that’s gonna cost ya. We’ll need 100,000 men and anticipate it will take around 20 years. Best put the kettle on…
10.12am, 2540BC

@PharaohKhufu
Labourers, eh? I always feel like they’re ripping me off but I feel too guilty to argue with the working-classes…
10.13am, 2540BC

The ancient Egyptians built pyramids as tombs for the pharaohs and their queens. The best known, built for the pharaoh Khufu, was the ‘Great Pyramid’.

@Pythagoras
Dudes! In a right-angled triangle the area of the square on hypotenuse is equal to sum of areas of squares of other two sides.
12.01am, November 1, 500BC

@Pythagoras
Or, to put it another way, a2 + b2 = c2. Amazing, eh?
12.03am, November 1, 500BC

@IonianTweeter
@Pythagoras Dude, you seriously need to get your leg over.
12.04am, November 1, 500BC

Ancient Greek mathematician Pythagoras could have bested Carol Vorderman when it came to the numbers (but probably not when it came to Rear of the Year contests).

@Oedipus
#FF @QueenJocasta - now there’s a mother I’d love to fuck! #MILF
11.22am, January 2, 492BC

@QueenJocasta
@Oedipus It can be arranged…
11.23am, January 2, 492BC

An Ancient Greek relationship between mother and son, this fling launched a thousand therapists and - so we hear - more than a few lurid internet videos.