The Twitter History of the World (2 page)

@Pericles
Hello peeps! Am thinking of shaking things up, so everybody has a say in how the country is run. Seems fair, innit.
9.30am, 462BC

@GreekWoman
@Pericles *Everybody*?
9.31am, 462BC

@Pericles
@GreekWoman Well, everybody apart from women, foreigners and slaves. Obvs!
9.32am, 462BC

@GreekWoman
@Pericles This is unfair.
9.33am, 462BC

@Pericles
@GreekWoman Irrelevant. See above.
9.34am, 462BC

@GreekWoman
@Pericles Classy.

The Ancient Greek aristocrat Pericles is credited with inventing democracy, in 462BC. However, not all Greeks were allowed to participate.

@Chrysippus
Just got a donkey drunk and I’m now going to get it to eat figs. This is pure ROFLCOPTER!
8.12pm, April 30, 207BC

The Greek philosopher Chrysippus died the way we all should: laughing at a drunken donkey’s attempts to eat figs.

@Socrates
Got to go to court today for impiety and corrupting the youth. Hoping the News of the Screws don’t get on my case about the latter charge.
8.11am, March 22, 399 BC

@Socrates
Got off lightly, all things considered. They just want me to drink this hemlock stuff. BRB.
8.11am, March 22, 399 BC

Socrates died after being sentenced to drink hemlock poison. His epitath: ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’ would have fitted well into a Tweet.

@Greece is now following you
336BC

@Egypt is now following you
332BC

@Arabia is now following you
331BC

@Persia is now following you
330BC

@Mesopotamia is now following you
330BC

@India is now following you
327BC

In little over a decade the Greek king Alexander The Great built a massive and formidable empire. He was undefeated in battle.

@Goliath
I’ve got a little scrap to attend to today. It will be a breeze, you watch…
8.22am, April 5, 1018BC

@Goliath
Ah well. Form is temporary but class lasts forever. Or some such. *Embarrassed*
7.42am, April 5, 1018BC

The first great ‘underdog’ story saw David the Israelite slay Goliath the Philistine.

@JuliusCaesar
Feel like ‘extending my empire’ – so to speak.
@Cleopatra, I’m cumming atcha!
3.40pm, June 4, 53BC

@Cleopatra
@JuliusCaesar Dude, keep it for @NicomedesIV.
I’m not interested in being your beard.
3.42pm, June 4, 53BC

‘Bloody Hell!.. What is a hosepipe ban?’

@JuliusCaesar
For the last time – I’M NOT GAY! Can someone get me @MaxClifford on the phone?
3.51pm, June 4, 53BC

@PeopleOfRome
Ooooohhh – get her!
3.52pm, June 4, 53BC

@Cassius
Hey, @Brutus: normally @JuliusCaesar is like
__/\__/\__/\__ but by the end of today he’ll be like __________
6.12am, March 15, 44BC

Roman General Julius Caesar extended the Roman Empire through France, Belgium and beyond. He had an affair with Queen Cleopatra of Egypt but was also rumoured to have enjoyed dalliances with King Nicomedes IV. He was assassinated by a group of senators, spearheaded by Cassius and Brutus.

@JesusChrist
Just had supper with 11 pals – stuffed. @Judas made a pass at me afterwards #awkward
10:02pm 1 April, 33

@JudasIscariot
Thirty pieces of silver – kerching!
10.30pm 1 April, 33

@JesusChrist
Uh oh……
8:40am 3 April, 33

@JesusChrist
I’m back, bitches…
11:43am, 6 April, 33

Following the Last Supper, Jesus Christ was betrayed by Judas who identified him with a kiss to arresting soldiers, who handed him over to Pontius Pilate. Christ was then crucified and - according to Christian belief – rose on the third day.

@MtVesuvius
Just to put this out there, I’m in a hell of a mood today.
09.01am, August 24, AD79

@PompeiiPeople
@MtVesuvius Well, get her – someone got out of bed the wrong side today!
09.02am, August 24, AD79

@PompeiiPeople
Erm, what the fuck’s that plume of smoke in the distance…?
09.03am, August 24, AD79

Mount Vesuvius has erupted several times, most notably in AD79 when it destroyed the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum. It caught residents unaware, with a ‘plume of smoke’ on the horizon the first sign of what was afoot.

@Plumbarius
The way we’ve linked up these aqueducts and pipes inside people’s homes is a bit swag. Soon we won’t have to take a dump outside anymore!
5.12pm AD100

@Plumbarius
We’re going into business with this. If you want your house plumbed up just come to us. We’ll give you a fair price.
5.13pm AD100

@PolishPlumbarius
Whatever price they give you we’ll do it for 90 percent less.
5.14pm AD100

@Plumbarius
#FML
5.15pm AD100

The Roman Empire is credited – blamed? – with introducing modern plumbing.

@AttilaTheHun
On our way to Rome #roadtrip
4.42pm, March 2, 440

@AttilaTheHun
On our way to Gaul #roadtrip
4.42pm, March 2, 441

@AttilaTheHun
Hmmm, some people got in the way back there. We had to deal with them. #scourgeofgod
4.42pm, March 2, 441

@AttilaTheHun
On our way to Italy #roadtrip
4.42pm, March 2, 441

@AttilaTheHun
Got married today. Thanks for all your congratulatory Tweets and DMs. Hang on, nosebleed…
4.42pm, March 2, 453

Attila The Hun was the leader of the Hunnic empire and one of the most feared men of his
time. The cause of his death, in 453, is thought to be a colossal nose-bleed on the evening of his wedding day.

@WilliamConquero
r
#FF Can you follow @DomesdayBook and also Tweet them all your landholdings and resources details? K’bye.
9.00am, March 12, 1085