The Twitter History of the World (15 page)

The United Nations estimated that on October 31, 2011, the world’s population reached seven billion. A baby girl called Nargis, born in India that morning, was unofficially named as the seven billionth person.

@GeorgeOsborne
We’re imposing a VAT rise on Cornish pasties and caravans. And get this: there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Arf arf!
2.12pm, March 21, 2012

@DavidCameron
Actually, change of plan. Ignore previous Tweet.
(cc @GeorgeOsborne)
9.12am, June 1, 2012

@GeorgeOsborne
Fine! But to everyone taking the piss about this, we are NOT a government prone to u-turns!
9.17am, June 1, 2012

@GeorgeOsborne
Well, apart from on buzzard nests, secret courts, the Euro veto, jobs law reform, sentencing, joint strike fighter, health reform…
9.20am, June 1, 2012

@GeorgeOsborne
…forest sell-offs, state retirement age for women, rape anonymity, milk cuts, bookstart funding,
housing benefit cuts, circus animal bans
9.22am, June 1, 2012

@GeorgeOsborne
Knife crime sentencing, domestic violence protection orders, snap school inspections, child benefit, NHS targets, charity tax & petrol duty
9.23am, June 1, 2012

@GeorgeOsborne
APART from those, we are an entirely decisive government!
9.24am, June 1, 2012

@DavidCameron
@GeorgeOsborne Actually, G, can we take another look at that plan to offer tax relief to the computer games industry?
9.25am, June 1, 2012

@GeorgeOsborne
Ufffffffffffffffffff!
9.27am, June 1, 2012

@DavidCameron
@GeorgeOsborne Chillax, dude.
9.28am, June 1, 2012

The coalition government has proven less averse to u-turns than Margaret Thatcher was…

@LadyGaga
Hi, it’s Monday today.
3.20pm, March 5, 2012
[Retweeted by @GagaAboutGaga and 20million others]

@GagaAboutGaga
@LadyGaga OMG! OMG! OMG! That’s SO true – it IS Monday today. GENIUS!
3.21pm, March 5, 2012

Lady Gaga reached 20 million followers in March 2012, confirming her status as the Queen of Twitter.

@RobertJay
Just got up. Time to trim and style the beard for breakfast.
8.12am, April 2, 2012

@RobertJay
Breakfast was lush. Now, time to tackle the beard for the day.
8.44am, April 2, 2012

@RobertJay
Done that. Memo to self: darling, you look sen-sational. Off to work now.
8.49am, April 2, 2012

@RobertJay
Proceedings start shortly. Just time for a quick check of the beard.
9.55am, April 2, 2012

@RobertJay
I think I made a real impact today and, furthermore, I think we all know why. Speaking of which, back in five…
6.12pm, April 2, 2012

@SamanthaBrick
@RobertJay Do you find you get a lot of jealousy because of your beard? Does it make other men envious?
11.11pm, April 2, 2012

@RobertJay
@SamanthaBrick All the time, darling, all the time. BRB.
11.14pm, April 2, 2012

With his neatly trimmed beard and yellow-rimmed glasses, Robert Jay QC was one of the Leveson inquiry’s most colourful characters.

@JosephKony
Just joined Twitter. How do I get followers?
7.52am, October 31, 2011

@JosephKony
I don’t even know if I’m going to bother with Twitter any more. I never get any mentions.
7.52am, October 31, 2011

@JosephKony
Fuck – @JustinBieber tweets one video of me and suddenly I’ve got millions of mentions. Must watch the video later, see what it’s all about!
7.52am, October 31, 2011

@JosephKony
Shit just got serious. Laters.
7.52am, October 31, 2011

A 30-minute campaign video about Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony went viral in March 2012. It brought his story to 50 million people in just four days thanks to RTs from celebrities including pop star and Twitter king Justin Bieber.

@TomWatson
Rupert Murdoch: unfit to run a company.
4.44pm, May 1, 2012

@RupertMurdoch
@TomWatson: unfit to get up the stairs.
4.44pm, May 1, 2012

@TomWatson
Alex Ferguson: unfit to manage a Premier League football club.
4.45pm, May 1, 2012

@TomWatson
iPhones: a flawed business model from a no-good two-bob company
4.46pm, May 1, 2012

@TomWatson
China: nobody lives there.
4.47pm, May 1, 2012

@TomWatson
Justin Bieber: an obscure nobody
4.48pm, May 1, 2012

@TomWatson
The Romans: what did they ever do for us?
4.49pm, May 1, 2012

@TomWatson
Me: brave, audacious and humble campaigner. I’m totes amazeballs.
4.49pm, May 1, 2012

Tom Watson, fresh from newspaper exposure over his expenses scandal, spearheaded attempts to bring down Rupert Murdoch.

@WaterBoards
We are now in drought. Hosepipes are now banned. £1,000 fine if we catch you using one.
5.01, April 2, 2012

@WeatherPeople
Weather forecast for first-half of April: Rain. All day. Every day.
5.02, April 2, 2012

@EnvironmentAgency
We’ve issued 30 flood warnings.
9.12am, April 13, 2012

@WaterBoards
Reminder we are in drought. Hosepipes are now banned. £1,000 fine if we catch you using one.
9.12am, April 13, 2012

@WeatherPeople
Weather forecast for second-half of April: Rain. Heavy rain. All day. Every day.
8.12pm, April 15, 2012

@EnvironmentAgency
Unprecedented rain has caused several areas of Britain to flood.
5.12pm, April 19, 2012

@WaterBoards
Reminder we are in drought. Hosepipes are now banned. £1,000 fine if we catch you using one.
5.13pm, April 19, 2012

@WeatherPeople
Weather forecast for first-half of May: Rain. Heavy rain. All day. Every day.
9.01am, May 1, 2012

@WaterBoards
Reminder we are in drought. Hosepipes are now banned. £1,000 fine if we catch you using one.
9.02am, May 1, 2012

@TheBritishPeople
WT actual F?
9.04am, May 1, 2012

Endless, torrential rain and flooding in a country technically in drought - only in England?

@DavidCameron
@GeorgeOsborne I say, Gideon, are you any good yourself at wallpapering?
12.51pm, May 13, 2012

@GeorgeOsborne
@DavidCameron Why? Do you need Number 10 doing again? I told you, get the scum to pay for it.
12.52pm, May 13, 2012

@DavidCameron
@GeorgeOsborne No, I’m just wondering what we’ll do when the whole politics thing collapses in front of us.
12.53pm, May 13, 2012

@RebekahBrooks
@DavidCameron You could go back into PR?
12.55pm, May 13, 2012

@DavidCameron
@RebekahBrooks LOL
12.57pm, May 13, 2012

To be continued, one suspects…

@LastManStanding
Quite funny to think now that we all thought it would be the environment or a nuclear war that would end the world, when it turned out to be
09.00am, January 1, 2013