The Stillness Of You (11 page)

She was still
on her side and I took a few seconds to appreciate what it was that
laid there. So much creamy skin, all soft and curvy. I wanted to
trace the indent of her waist and run my fingers across her hips
and over her ass but I was afraid to wake her.

Don’t get
me wrong—I wanted to wake her—I wanted her to wake up with me
buried deep inside her but it was going to have to wait. After last
night I knew I needed to take it slow with this girl.

Aside
from the fact that my dick didn’t seem to understand that notion, I
was fine with it. In fact, I was looking forward to spending as
much time with Georgia as I could. I wanted to know what made her
tick. I wanted to know what she was afraid of…what her dreams and
goals were.

I wasn’t
bullshitting. I
wanted
to know her secrets.

But she
was right. We barely knew each other and if this was going to be
something other than just a hook up, a relationship for fuck sakes,
I needed to get it right.

With a
groan I leaned over, because I couldn’t help myself, and I kissed
the dimple just above her butt. I would have loved to have turned
her onto her back because other than a quick glimpse the night
before, her breasts were still pretty much a mystery to me—a
mouth-watering mystery.

My dick
sprang to life at the thought and I rolled away from her—needing a
bit of space and perspective. There was time for Georgia to be
naked. I grinned. Lots of time.

I’d just
stepped out of her bedroom when I heard him.

“You’ve got to
be fucking kidding me.”

Mother fucker
.

I squinted into
the face of a very, very, pissed off Matt King and held my hands
up, palms out. “Dude, it’s not what you think.”

He took a
few steps closer and before I could say anything else, the bastard
surprised me—fucking sucker punch. His fist connected with my jaw
and I swung into the wall so hard a framed photo fell to the ground
and crashed.

“
What the
fuck?” I snarled, shouldering him in the gut and sending him
backward
, hard.

The two
of us glared at each other, until Matt spoke. “I told you to stay
away from her. She’s fucking trouble. I can’t have her screwing
with your head.”

“
What the
hell are you talking about?” He wasn’t making any sense. “What are
we? Five years old?”

Something
soft touched my shoulder and I glanced down at Georgia. She’d
thrown on a robe and stood a few inches from me. She didn’t quite
meet my eyes, and something twisted inside me, because I had a
feeling everything had somehow changed and I didn’t understand any
of it.

Georgia
moved past me before pausing in front of her brother. I couldn’t
see her face but Matt’s expression was fierce.

“
He’s
trying to tell you that you matter to him. That you matter to the
team and he sure as hell doesn’t want anyone to screw that up. He’s
trying to tell you that whatever this is between us won’t work and
maybe you should listen to him.”

Okay,
what the hell was happening? When had everything gone to
shit?

“
That
doesn’t tell me anything.” I said roughly. “Georgia, what the
fuck?”

“
No,” she
answered softly, a tremble in her voice. “It doesn’t. But my
secrets aren’t easy. They’re not even close to easy and,” she
paused. “This won’t work, as much as I want it to...it just won’t.”
She paused again and stared up at her brother for several long
seconds. “Thanks for pointing it out Matt. What the hell would I do
without you?”

And then she
disappeared into the bathroom and I didn’t know if I wanted to
smash my fist into Matt’s face and break every bone that I could,
or put a hole in the wall.

I had no
idea what had just happened. No idea at all. I glared at the closed
door. “Georgia, are we going to talk about this?”

Her
answer? I heard the shower.

I pinned
a ‘don’t fuck with me’ look on Matt. “Are you going to tell me what
the hell just happened here?”

Matt
opened his mouth, but then closed it tight, shaking his head in
quick jerky movements. He sighed. “I…” And there was hurt in his
eyes. “She’s my sister and I love her but there are things…there
are things, but it’s not my place to say.”

Unbelievable.

“
That’s
it? That’s all you got?” I took a step forward, hands fisted, and I
knew If I didn’t get it together I was going to say or do something
I might regret.

I glanced
at the closed bathroom door once more and decided to go for a run
instead of getting into it with Matt. I shoved my way past him and
changed into my running gear. It was less than two hours before I
got back, but by then Georgia was gone.

As it turned
out, she wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

Georgia

I stayed
at Kendall’s place for an entire week.
Her parents were in Europe for the summer so the
place was empty. Kendall left to go back to New York City after the
second day—the girl was getting somewhat respectable and had scored
a PR job—but she told me to stay as long as I wanted to. As long as
I needed to.

So I did.

There was
no way I was going back to Matt’s place even though he’d called
every single day and left a message on my voicemail. He always used
the same excuse,
‘just making sure you’re taking your
meds’
and then he’d say he
was worried about me and then he’d apologize for being an
asshole.

Whatever.

He never
mentioned Ben and that was fine because every time I thought of
him—which was a lot—I got an ache in my chest. I thought that maybe
I had lost what could have been the best thing to happen to me. And
then I thought I was crazy to even think along those lines. Ben
Lancaster was going to be huge—in a world that celebrated the best
he was headed to the top—and there was no way in hell he would ever
be interested in someone like me if he knew the truth.

I was way too
screwed up for a golden boy and I knew it, but it didn’t stop me
from wondering what if….

It didn’t stop
me from feeling like shit over the fact that Ben hadn’t tried to
call or text me.

And
Matt’s words had hurt. They’d stung and ripped into me as if he’d
taken a knife to my skin.
“She’s fucking trouble. I can’t
have her screwing with your head.”
I suppose they stung because deep down I knew they were
true. Deep down I knew he had reason to be concerned for Ben. My
track record wasn’t exactly something to be proud of.

Guys had
always been interested in me. I wasn’t a cock-tease or anything,
and maybe it was the slight bend of crazy that ran through me, but
I’d grown up manipulating and playing with boys.

I did it
because I could and I did it because it made me feel good. And
sometimes I went too far.

A year
ago I’d had a lot of fun with a couple guys, Ty Malone and Rick
Danby—Ty was a rookie winger and Rick had been with the Flyer
organization for a three years. Ty had been sweet but stupid, while
Rick had been up for anything. Sometimes I thought he was crazier
than I was, but I guess being a goalie and letting elite sharp
shooters blast pucks at your head took a certain kind of
crazy.

My
mistake had been fooling around with them at the same time and when
it was over, Matt was left with two pissed off players who hated
each other. Not exactly the right frame of mind for a
team
sport. When the
season was over Ty was traded—which he blamed me for—and Rick went
about his lunatic way.

But Matt
was pissed and that’s when things started escalating for me. The
drugs, the sex, the booze, and pills. Everything in my head circled
harder and harder and the pressure to deal with it was too much. I
didn’t understand what was happening to me. I didn’t understand how
I could have been so high and then within days, so fucking
low.

And then
I tried to kill myself. And it hadn’t been a half-hearted attempt
after. After my intoxicated walk through the dorm I’d swallowed an
entire bottle of oxycotton and the only reason it hadn’t worked was
because my roommate came back to grab a forgotten cell
phone.

One of the
worst days of my life had been waking up in the hospital with Matt
beside the bed, his eyes swollen from crying and his heart
broken.

I did
that to him. I hurt people.

So, on
what planet did I ever think someone like Ben Lancaster would
settle for someone as screwed up as I was? Sure, I’d gotten
help—the court order made sure of it—but that didn’t change the
fact that my brain wasn’t normal. My chemistry was screwed and
without the drugs I’d slide right back to where I was
before.

I’d be
just like my mom and when she’d been alive she had been toxic,
although since she’d never been diagnosed I guess it really wasn’t
her fault. But that didn’t change things—the facts—and the biggest
one was when she’d had enough and had driven off a bridge into Lake
Muskegan, taking my dad with her. Murder/suicide.

Nice.

For a few
days I’d let myself believe that someone as screwed up as me could
have something special with someone like Ben Lancaster. But who was
I kidding? When he found out what I was really about, he’d run for
the hills. He was a smart guy. He would eventually figure it out
and just like I’d told him to his face, that’s what I would do.
Run.

The only
problem with running away was eventually you had to find your way
back. At least I did.

I had run
away for a week, but I couldn’t stay at Kendall’s parents any
longer. It was time to go home. Time to figure things out. And
that’s why a week later I found myself trudging through the foyer
of Matt’s building, waving to Joe. I’d taken a few steps toward the
elevator when I stopped and whirled around.

“
Hey, is
Ben Lancaster still staying with my brother?” A sliver of
apprehension rolled through me and my cheeks flushed about two
shades past crimson. Up until just now, I assumed he was
gone.

Joe shook
his head. “I don’t think so, Georgia. I haven’t seen him for a few
days.”

“
Oh,
okay.” Relief.

“
How are
you?” he asked just as I turned back to the elevator. I knew I
looked like shit and the concern in his voice confirmed
it.

“I’m fine. Just
tired. Thanks for asking, Joe.”

A few
minutes later I let myself into the loft. Matt shouldn’t be home.
His vacation was officially over and as far as I knew he was at
work, but Ben…I still wasn’t sure.

Silence
greeted me and I cleared my throat, gazing around carefully. “Hey,”
I said softly.

Nothing.
Ben was gone.

With a
sigh I headed to my bedroom, tossing my bag and staring at the bed
that was as unmade as it had been a week ago. I walked toward it
and slowly slid across the sheets, hugging my pillow and burying my
face in the covers.

They were
cold and I shivered, disappointed that I didn’t
feel
Ben or smell him. There was
nothing—as if the night I’d spent with him had never
happened.

The
thought left me empty and it took a good ten minutes before I was
able to force myself from the bed and into the shower, and really I
only did that because there was nothing else to do. I wasn’t in any
hurry. What did I have to run to? I wasn’t in the mood to paint, I
wasn’t hungry and I sure as hell didn’t care about what I looked
like.

I stood under
the hot spray letting the steam envelop my skin, and nearly an hour
later I heard the door slam shut. I’d just combed out my hair and
paused in my bedroom.

“G?” It was
Matt.

I didn’t answer
at first because I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to him.

“G?” he said
again, worry in his voice.

I sighed
and sat on the end of my bed. “In here.”

A few
seconds later he was there, leaning against the doorframe, his
blond good looks, all scrunched up in an apology face. I saw that
he felt like shit. I was happy that he felt like shit and yet, how
many times had he been on the receiving end of my sad, apologetic
face?

“
G,” he
said softly. “I’m sorry.”

At least
he got right to the point. There was no waiting. No awkward
silences.

Except
that there was. I couldn’t answer him and turned away. There was a
huge knot in my throat, everything was tight and it took a bit to
clear it away. The emotion that pummeled my chest came out of
nowhere and I realized that I wasn’t just angry. Not by a long
shot. I was so hurt and so sad that I couldn’t speak.

“G?”

I shook my
head, wanting to shout, ‘go away’ ‘leave me alone’ but that stupid
knot was still there and I didn’t say anything. I just stared at
the floor and wished he’d leave because I knew I was going to lose
it and I sure as hell didn’t want him to see me crying.

He took a
step forward and I shook my head, violently. I don’t know how I
managed to speak but I whispered hoarsely. “Why are you back so
early?”

“Joe
called.”