The Stillness Of You (15 page)

She wanted more
than an autograph.

“
I’m not
fucking anyone,” Georgia retorted and if I had taken the time to
listen, I might have heard the hurt in her voice. But I didn’t. I
was pissed.

“Yeah, well
neither am I.”

“You’re being
an asshole.”

I rolled
the window down and nodded. “Hey.”

“Who are you
talking to?” Georgia asked sharply.

The
blonde leaned over, her breasts practically falling out of her
tight, pink top. She mouthed, ‘Ben Lancaster?’, and I nodded as she
yanked on her top and handed me the sharpie.

“Ben?” Georgia
prodded angrily.

“A fan.”

The girl
giggled, her voice an annoying combination of sugar and sweet.
“Maybe you could sign both of them?”

“
Are you
autographing her tits?” Georgia didn’t wait for an answer. “You
really are an asshole.” There was no mistaking the hurt in her
voice and though my anger still burned hard, there was also the
uncomfortable feeling of something I didn’t quite
recognize.

Click.

Fuck me. What
the hell had just happened?

Georgia

Secrets
are heavy.

They’re heavy
and they’re hard and sharp and they suck.

They
press into your chest and make it hard to breathe. They make it
hard to sleep or relax or just to
be
…

But most
of all secrets made me sad. And sad made me scared.

My clock glowed
on the table beside my bed. It was Saturday morning, barely past
four and still dark outside.

I rolled
over and fell out of bed, shivering as I crossed the room to my
window. I leaned against the glass and gazed into the quiet below.
There were no stars, nothing to light the darkness and I thought
that maybe it was going to rain.

Great.
Rain plus sad was going to make for one hell of an awesome
Saturday. Go me.

I picked
the edge of the window sill and turned so that my cheek was now
pressed against the glass. I was still pissed at Ben, but the
initial hurt had passed. I didn’t blame him for being an asshole,
but that didn’t mean I had to like it.

I wanted to
think that he was jealous because he had no idea who Seamus was, or
what he meant to me. He had no idea that in the past there were
days when Seamus was the only thing standing between myself and a
return to Oak Run.

Oak Run.
Just the thought of that place made me shudder.

How the hell
was I going to explain that one?

Hey Ben, I’m kinda sorta fucked and last
fall I tried to kill myself and then they made me go stay in a
hospital that’s not really a hospital but a mental institution
because I’m also kinda sorta crazy. No bigee, it kinda sorta runs
in the family
.

Shame
burned inside me and I closed my eyes, hating the tight band of
tension that rolled across my shoulders. How was I going to explain
to Ben that I was damaged?
That my brain was totally fucked up? That the chemistry was
out of whack. That unless I took my daily dose of meds
I
was out of
whack?

How was
he going to react when I told him what happened at college? When I
told him about my insane run half naked run through the
quad?

Tears
burned the corners of my eyes and I rapidly blinked them away. God,
it was so wrong. Even Kendall had retreated when I spiralled into
that black pit of despair. She had no idea what was going on and as
crazy as she was, she’d taken a step back because I scared her that
much.

Matt was
still bitter over Kendall. He’d said she had left when things got
rough. That she wasn’t a true friend. And then he’d blamed her for
that drug and alcohol fueled weekend when everything had fallen
apart. She’d started out partying with me that Friday night but as
things heated up and turned sour, she’d left.

The thing
of it was, even though what he said was kind of true, I didn’t
blame Kendall. Not really. He hadn’t seen me at my worst so he
didn’t know just how far I had fallen.

I wasn’t
easy. I was dark and twisty. And I was dangerous.

Kendall
disappeared for the first few months I’d been in the hospital,
calling only a few times and never visiting. There had always been
an excuse. Her new job. Some new guy she was banging. A family
obligation.

And I got
it. I got that what I was, and what I had done, wasn’t easy for
most people to handle. Hell, it was hard for Matt and he was my
brother.

So how
was Ben going to react when I dumped this on him? Did I really want
to know the answer? Wasn’t it obvious? He was riding the wave of a
shooting star and I…I was just struggling to keep my head above
water.

I began
to shiver and for a moment everything inside sped up. My heart
raced and heat burned, scorching from the inside out. I moaned,
hating the way the pieces inside me rattled and shook and moved. It
was chaotic and scary.

It was
crazy.

Sweat
broke out along my forehead, leaving me cold and shaking. Shit, I
couldn’t let this escalate. I closed my eyes and concentrated. I
reached for the words, the words and melody I needed.

Is it getting better
?
Or do you
feel the same
?

I focused
on the song, One, by U2.
Seamus had suggested this in one of our first sessions. He
told me that when things started to get chaotic if I could manage
to focus on something that calmed me, it would help.

Music helped.
Music had always helped. I heard Bono’s voice. I felt his passion
and I let the melody wash over me. It slid inside and got into my
head and it pushed the bad parts away.

I’m not
sure how long I leaned against the window, chest heaving, skin cold
and clammy. But eventually the pieces inside me slowed, they
clicked and lined up. My chest relaxed and I was able to breathe
easier.

I decided that
a run would help.

In the dark and
quiet I changed into my gear, grabbed a water bottle and tip toed
out of the loft. I’d ran every single morning with Ben and his
sister, out along the back country roads near his place and this
morning, here, alone, it just wasn’t the same.

Those
early runs settled me in a way I couldn’t replicate and even though
I ran longer than normal, the demons that knocked hard just
wouldn’t quiet. They followed me every step of the way and when I
got back to the loft, I was wound tighter than when I’d
left.

Matt was
still asleep—not surprising, he wasn’t alone—and as the darkness
fell into grey, I had a quick shower, took my meds, got dressed and
in less than five minutes was out the door.

Joe was
just coming on duty and even though I wasn’t in the mood to make
small talk, it was hard to avoid his kind eyes. I waved a quick
hello, and we chatted for a few minutes about nothing important—he
didn’t usually work Saturdays but the weekend guy had called in
sick—and then I headed to the parking garage toward the silver BMW
that had been the last gift my parents had given me for my
eighteenth birthday.

It had been
delivered from storage a few days earlier because Matt was tired of
lending me his wheels.

Rain was
just starting to fall as I pulled into Ben’s driveway. His truck
was gone and I parked in his spot, my stomach twisting as I sat
staring at the house for way too long.

He wasn’t home,
but then what the hell had I expected?

Guys like
Ben didn’t spend their Friday nights alone. Guys with money and
fame. Guys with eyes that could make any girls heart go crazy. Guys
with no ties. No girlfriend.

I was
nothing. Not really. It’s not as if we had any sort of defined
relationship. In fact all we had were our morning runs and a few
hot and heavy make out sessions.

I’m not
sure how long I stayed in the car but it was long enough for the
windows to fog up and for the humidity to seep inside. My skin was
clammy, my stomach in knots and my mouth dry. I checked my cell
phone once more but there were no text messages. Nothing in my
voicemail.

I bit my
lip and cursed. Maybe he was inside. Maybe someone had borrowed his
truck.

Are you that fucking stupid
?

It was nearly
eight by now and I was either going to leave or…

I pushed open
the door and ran up the steps to Ben’s front door before I lost my
nerve and with my heart in my throat I rang the doorbell and
waited.

And waited some
more.

I rang it again
and tried to peek through the window to the right, but it was no
use. I couldn’t see inside but it was now official. He wasn’t
home.

I took a
step back, smoothing my light blue cotton skirt over my hips as I
bit my lip in frustration. Where was he?

All sorts
of things raced through my head and all of those things ended up
with Ben in bed with some bimbo. The bimbo he’d met at the airport.
The bimbo who’d yanked out her tits for him to sign. I was shaken
and hated how affected I was by the thought of him with another
girl.

He wasn’t
mine. He didn’t belong to me.

“Whatever,” I
muttered.

I ran
down the steps and paused. Did I really want to go home and play
nice while Matt tried to get rid of whoever the hell it was who’d
moaned her way through several hours the night before?

No. God no.

I took a
sharp left, following the path that led through Ben’s back yard,
through the trees that surrounded it, and out to my barn. My
studio.

He could
fuck whoever he wanted. I was going to show him that I didn’t care.
This was my space and I would spend the day painting and Ben
Lancaster could go to hell.

I worked
on a piece I had started a few days earlier and just like all the
others lately, a large gaping mouth opened in the very center of
the canvas. The face was androgynous with undefined features and as
I stared at it, I knew this person was screaming. Screaming to get
out. Screaming to escape.

Screaming to
live.

I grabbed
my tools and got to work and it was hours before I put down my
brush and stood back, admiring my handy work. The air was thick
with humidity. It stuck to my skin, shrink-wrapped my white tank
top to my body and filled my nostrils with summer.

My heart was
beating fast and I exhaled in an effort to calm myself, running a
hand through the thick, tangled waves of hair that fell past my
shoulders.

I took a
step back, my eyes moving to the window. Outside the rain washed
the glass in a blurry stream and the images beyond weren’t clear. I
saw color. Green. Pink and purple. Brown.

I took a step
toward the door, my mind racing and it felt as if my skin was
pulled too tight. Before I could think about it, I tossed my white
flats and stepped out into the rain.

The grass
was soft beneath my bare toes and the colors I’d seen from inside
popped. Grass. Flowers. Earth.

Raising
my head to the gray sky with my eyes closed, I stood there, letting
the gentle wash roll over me and slide down my body. I still felt
heavy but the rain was somehow light. It was warm and the sound of
it in my ear was calming.

Several long
moments passed and with each of them I felt the tension lessen. The
heaviness evaporated like raindrops on heated blacktop.

I glanced
toward the trees. I saw their branches bend toward me, beckoning
me, and slowly walked toward them until I disappeared inside their
embrace. The rain still fell, cleansing the earth, maybe cleansing
my soul and by the time I cleared the forest my body was humming
something fierce.

I was in hyper
mode and I swear I could hear the grass growing, the ants beneath
their shadow, scurrying through the puddles…the blood rushing
through my veins, the frantic beat of my heart.

I rubbed
moisture from my eyes—was it tears or rain? And it was then that I
saw him.

Ben
stared at me from across the yard. He was shirtless, hands shoved
into the front of his jeans and rain soaked hair a mad mess that
clung to his face and neck. He was far enough away that I couldn’t
see his features clearly, but I felt him.

I felt him as
if he was pressed against me. As if he was inside me.

Time did
that funny stop-watch thing. It slowed down and froze.

The grass
stopped growing. The ants stopped moving. I think my heart even
stopped beating.

But the
rain still fell. It slid over my hot skin like a frantic caress and
I groaned, so incredibly confused and turned on. I was chasing that
shooting star that held him so far above me and right now, in this
moment, I would do anything to catch it.

I held my
breath because something was about to change.

Ben ran a
hand through his hair, pushed it off his face.

A heartbeat
passed—then he stepped off the deck.

And everything
changed.

Ben

I had to hold
myself back when I first saw her so I shoved my hands into my
pockets and hunched my shoulders in an effort to deflect whatever
the hell it was she had that pulled me in.