Authors: Nadine Matheson
‘Of course it’s not true,’ Richard said as put his arms around his wife and held her. They’d been through so much together and it hurt him even more to see his usually strong wife look so resigned to a fate that they’d made for themselves. He glanced over to the clock on the bedside table. It was still only 8.45am. He’d forced himself to wake up early, take two and a half mouthfuls of a disgusting green juice concoction that Katelyn and Lena had blended for him last night and then walked the dog. The reality being that he’d sat on a park bench and watched the dog chase his own tail for half an hour before making the short walk home.
‘It’s far too early for the postman,’ Felicia said as the sound of the doorbell travelled up the stairs to their bedroom. ‘Alright, I’m coming,’ she said as she unravelled herself from her husband’s arms, took her kimono style dressing gown from the back of the door and went downstairs.
‘Oh, what are you doing here?’ Felicia said, more than surprised to see Jessica at the front door.
‘Morning, mum. I just wanted to see you and dad before I went to work.’
‘We’re a bit out of your way aren’t we?’ Felicia replied, still holding onto the door frame.
‘Mum, aren’t you going to let me in?’
‘Of course, of course. Come in. Do you want tea, coffee? I’m going to make one for your father.’
‘Tea, thank you. I’m staying off the coffee,’ Jessica said as she followed her mother into the kitchen.’
‘Jess, what’s wrong?’ Richard said as he walked past the staircase as he came down the stairs.
‘Nothing’s wrong, dad. I wanted to see you and mum. I was hoping I’d catch you before you found out from the papers.’
‘It’s not true is it Jessica? Don’t tell me that you’re doing drugs. Alcohol I can just about understand, but drugs…’
‘Mum, just calm down,’ Jessica said as she took hold of her hands. ‘I promise you.’
‘I know that things have been hard for you and that you haven’t been coping…’
‘Mum, stop. I haven’t got a drug habit. For crying out loud, you know me. I can’t even put Vicks up my nose, let alone snort cocaine every night. They’re lies, all lies.’
Felicia stared back at her daughter, noticing that since the last time she saw her, her skin now appeared brighter and her eyes had regained their sparkle. She thought back to when she was pregnant with Jessica. How she’d lie in her bed at night and poke her stomach just to check the baby was still alive. This child would hardly move, compared to Lucinda who behaved for the entire nine months as though she was in training for a high jump competition and Beatrice who you could set a watch to as she turned around and kicked out every four hours just to let you know she was there, and also Emma who would kick so hard and push her tiny hands against Felicia’s stomach as though she needed to get out right now. Jessica had been quiet and restrained.
‘I have a problem mum, but it’s not drugs.’
‘Why didn’t you just tell us that you were going to rehab? Do you think we care what the neighbours think?’ Felicia said as she sat cradling the mug of tea that she had yet to take a sip from whilst Richard sat next to Jessica picking out black grapes from the box in front of him.
‘As if you’ve ever cared about what the neighbours think,’ Jessica replied. ‘It all happened so quickly. Things had gotten too much for me and I was, well I wasn’t listening. In fact, I’ve spent so long listening to other people that I’ve forgotten what my own voice sounds like.’
‘So, how are you now?’
‘I feel as though my body has been run over by a train and I’d much rather be sitting here with a vodka and tonic instead of tea.’
‘Jessica!’
‘Don’t sound so shocked. You knew that I had a problem I’ve always had a problem. I have to accept that I’m an alcoholic and I’m dealing with it. Oh dad, don’t look like that. It’s not the end of the world.’
‘I know. I know but you’re my baby.’ Jessica squeezed her dad’s hand.
‘I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for being so selfish, for putting that man before my own family. I mean, I drove my own daughter away, what sort of mother does that make me?’
‘Lena loves you. She understands and she’s home with you now, that’s the main thing, and once that man is finally out of your life you can move on,’ Richard said. Jessica nodded as a lump came to her throat.
‘I just don’t understand why he’d say these things about you. I mean, what the hell is wrong with him. Christopher never behaved like this,’ Felicia said as she finally took a sip of her tea.
‘He’s a bastard,’ Richard said angrily. ‘How dare he have the audacity to tell the papers that you’re a habitual cocaine user and that you emotionally abused him throughout your marriage. You should have physically abused him. You should have cut off his…’
‘Richard’ ‘Dad’ both women said together, not quite believing what was coming out of his mouth.
‘If I can’t speak the truth when I’ve got one foot in the grave then when can I?’
‘Thank you daddy,’ Jessica said with a smile.
‘What do your lawyers say?’
‘Well, Bea thinks that we’ve got a good chance but who knows.’
‘You have to think positive. Pray and be positive. You’re a strong girl. All of my girls are strong. So be strong and fight, ok?’
‘Alright dad. How are you doing? I haven’t even asked.’
‘I’m alright. I’m starting radiotherapy on Wednesday, so we’ll see but as I said, positivity is the key.’
‘That man,’ Felicia said as she listened to his footsteps fade away as Richard went upstairs. ‘Do you know that your aunt Rachel caught him and your uncle Stephen sharing a spliff in the garden shed?’
‘You’re joking. Dad and Uncle Stephen smoking weed?’ Jessica said as she burst out laughing.
‘It’s not funny. Medicinal he said. Anyone would think that they were still in school. He makes me sick.’ Jessica couldn’t help but laugh as the image of her dad and Stephen formed in his head.
‘I’m not saying that I approve but if it helps him.’
‘Don’t worry. I seriously doubt that dad and uncle Stephen are going to start freebasing in the kitchen or start a drugs cartel in the garden shed.’
‘Stranger things have happened,’ Felicia replied.
‘Mum, I’m sorry. I can’t believe that I…I wasn’t myself when you came…’
‘I understand. You don’t have to apologise.’
‘Of course I have to apologise to you. And, I’ve also apologised to Lucinda.’
‘You have? When?’
‘A couple of days ago.’ Jessica thought it was sensible to leave out the part when Andrew came round to her home. ‘I was wrong. So wrong, mum. I blamed her for so many things and I didn’t think that she’d forgive me and I wouldn’t have blamed her. I said some horrible things to her mum.’
‘And how are things now?’
‘We had a good talk. It’s getting better.’
‘That’s good my angel. No matter what happens you’ll always be sisters and that’s a bond that can never be broken.’
‘Where is she? She should be here by now,’ Emma said as she paced around Christopher’s office. ‘I knew that I should have picked her up. Or we should have sent a cab round for her.’
‘Will you stop panicking? She’ll be here,’ Christopher said as he turned his TV onto sky sports news and watched the scrolling yellow bar for football transfer news.
‘You couldn’t really blame her if she didn’t come back. I’d do a runner too if I woke up to all that shit in the newspapers. What I don’t understand is why he’d trash Jessica’s name, ruin her business and then try and take that business from her. It’s just stupid and Andrew isn’t a stupid man.’
‘He’s not. He’s just greedy. Ems, he doesn’t want the business. I mean what the hell would he do with it? It’s all just a ploy. He thinks that if he causes as much damage as he can to Jess’ reputation that she’ll just write him a cheque for whatever he wants. Simple as that.’
The pair of them said nothing to each other as they watched the office bustling into action. Despite the avalanche of negative press they were busier than ever. Since Jessica’s leave, Wendy had taken on the mantle of dealing with all of the TV and radio requests for Jessica to tell her side of the story. Wendy was robust enough to tell them no, albeit not that politely. From the look on her face as she marched into Christopher’s office she’d clearly had enough.
‘This is why I do book publicity. It’s so much easier knocking up some warm wine and cold sausage rolls for a book launch in a dodgy art gallery then putting up with this shit,’ Wendy said as she dropped into the armchair. ‘What a fucking nightmare. Was it like this when Euterpe broke up?’
‘I think it was even worse. I had reporters hanging around my school trying to get an exclusive and the fans, oh my God, you’d have thought someone had died.’ Emma shook her head at the memory. ‘I don’t know why anyone would want fame.’
‘Well if they didn’t want it, we’d be out of a job,’ Wendy replied. ‘I told her from day one to watch out for him but would she listen? No. But it could be worse. There’s a lot of respect for your sister and no one believes any of that crap in the papers. Now if it were me they were talking about, no one would bat an eyelid. I don’t think that I even ate during the nineties. I was on a diet of champagne and cocaine. Now look at me, spending weekends at a fucking yoga retreat and eating quinoa and tofu. I hate tofu.’
‘As if you’d ever give up champagne.’ Wendy, Emma and Richard both turned to see Jessica at the office door.
‘You’re here,’ Emma said as she jumped up from Christopher’s desk and hugged her sister.
‘Of course I’m here. I’m sorry I’m late but I had to stop off at mum and dad’s first but I’m here,’ Jessica said as she hugged her sister back. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered into Emma’s ear. ‘I’ll make it better.’
‘Don’t be,’ Emma whispered back.
‘Oh for God’s sake, stop being so sentimental. Now that you’re back you can answer your own bloody phone,’ Wendy said as she pulled a cigarette out of her bag and lit up.
‘I HAVE news,’ Madeline said as she stood at the front door with a buggy that was being weighed down with shopping bags and a now seven-month-old baby who was trying to pull the head off her firefly cuddly toy. ‘Joshua, get back here right now,’ Madeline shouted after her son who’d wandered further down the road and now had his face pressed firmly against the window of a gleaming silver Mercedes.
‘Don’t let me tell you again. Get here now. Sorry, my dad came over last week and took him to a car show and ever since then he’s developed a fascination with cars.’
‘It’s fine,’ Lucinda said bemused by the sight. ‘Why don’t you come in? I’ll make you a cup of tea. It looks like you need it.’
‘So my news,’ Madeline said as she placed the white china cup onto the coffee table and clapped her hands together, imitated by Abigail who was sitting happily on Lucinda’s lap whilst Joshua had followed the sounds of Reece playing computer games on his X-box in the living room and had refused to follow his mother any further into the house.
‘I wanted to tell you face to face,’ Madeline continued, clearly excited by what she had to say. ‘I’ve bought a house.’
‘A house. So quickly…but I thought you needed more time.’
‘I did but I don’t know what’s happened. The estate agent tried to explain it but to tell you the truth I stopped listening once he told me that my share of the old house was being deposited into my account in an hour, and that was…’ Madeline looked at the clock above Lucinda’s head. ‘That was two hours ago. So right now you’re looking at half a millionaire.’
Lucinda laughed at the sight of Madeline who was literally bouncing on the edge of the sofa. She was a changed woman from the one who’d knocked on Lucinda’s door almost a month ago.
‘So how does it feel?’ Lucinda asked.
‘It feels like I can finally breathe again. Do you know what I mean? Like I can finally see a future for myself again. I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly all morning. I’ve had an offer accepted on a house in Streatham.’
‘Streatham? But that’s the other side of the London.’
‘I know, I know. But I had to be sensible. I’d have loved to have stayed here in Notting Hill but if I did that I could only afford a poxy flat and most likely not been able to keep this one in pampers.’
‘No, I understand. So, how soon do you go? Sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound like that.’
Madeline laughed. ‘It’s fine. I know what you meant. Well, thankfully there’s no chain. The house is an absolute shithole, ooh, sorry Abi,’ Madeline said as she leaned over and covered her daughter’s ears. ‘It’s a shithole in a good way. I’m going to be doing it up. It’s going to be amazing. I should be out of your hair in about 3-4 weeks. I have so many plans, Lucinda.’
Lucinda could hardly believe that she’d finally be going back to her home in a month’s time. When she thought back to the state she’d been in when she first arrived home and the person she was; well it seemed unrecognisable to her. The pressure on her had been immense and she’d been in denial about what she was doing to herself. As she sat here now with a giggling baby on her lap and Madeline talking at a hundred miles an hour about her plans for the next chapter in her life she felt a tear fall down her face.
‘Oh my God. What’s wrong? Why are you upset?’ Madeline said as she pulled a packet of tissues out of her bag and handed them to Lucinda. ‘I haven’t upset you, have I?’
‘No, no,’ Lucinda said as she gratefully took the tissue and dabbed her eyes. ‘No, it’s just been a tough few months and there were times where I felt like giving up. It’s been so hard.’
‘Well, if you want to talk about it, I’m here. I mean you’ve had to listen to me rambling on.’
‘I got myself into a financial mess. That’s why I had to come back. That’s why I needed my house back.’
‘Was it bad?’
‘Pretty bad. I wasn’t sensible and I used to be someone who was always sensible. I think after years of putting everyone else first that I just wanted to let go. Have someone look after me. Not have any responsibilities. Do you know what I mean?’
‘Yep, definitely. I loved my job but my ex convinced me to give it up. Focus on doing up the house, he said to me. Focus on Joshua. It was just another way of controlling me but I convinced myself that it was ok. That it was no problem being a kept woman, but it was a problem. I ran away from that house with nothing except clothes for Joshua and my oyster card. It took two hours to get to Owen’s flat. My first thought was to go to my parent’s place but I didn’t even have my passport. I had no money of my own and that never used to be me. I remember begging my dad to take me to the Woolwich Building Society to open an account when I was seven-years-old because they were giving away a pink piggy bank. I don’t know, we all make mistakes I suppose.’