The Rules of You and Me (25 page)

Aunt Lydia took a sip of milk, then continued. “I tried the IVF a few times, but it didn’t work. Then one day, it did. I was pregnant for nine weeks. But at my next ultrasound, there was no heartbeat and I miscarried. Your mom…” She took a deep breath, blinking quickly. “Your mom said it was for the best and I was stupid for even trying to do this on my own. She told me to give up and go back to devoting myself to the gallery. What she really meant was go back to my life of being alone and be happy with that to save her perfect world.”

I thought back to the time just before Aunt Lydia left Willowbrook. I hadn’t known any of this was going on, but I did remember Aunt Lydia crying one night when I had stayed at her house. It was late, and she hadn’t known I was awake. I’d gotten up to go to the bathroom and heard her crying in her room. I’d been too afraid to ask what was wrong.

“
I don’t want to make you hate your mother,” Aunt Lydia told me gently. “You were very young when our parents died, so I’m sure you don’t remember them. They were good people, but they struggled a lot financially. Marilyn always wanted a big house and fancy clothes, and our parents could never give her that. When she married your father, he was so driven and intelligent that she knew he would go far. It was her chance to have her perfect life and she became afraid of anything that might jeopardize that.”

I put my breakfast down on the little table in front of our chairs and leaned my head against her shoulder.

“
You’re right that I ran away,” Aunt Lydia said. “There’s a part of me that’s no better than your mom. When things get tough, I run away and pretend it’s fine just like she does. I didn’t want to leave you, but I needed some space. Before I knew it, that space had turned into years and I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me again.” She squeezed my hand. “I was so happy when your mom called and said you wanted to come stay with me this summer. I hoped that maybe we could fix everything and go back to the way it used to be.”

“
Nothing is the way it used to be,” I said.

“
I know.”

I flicked a crumb off my finger. “I’m not ready to go back to the real world yet.”

Aunt Lydia rubbed her hand over my head. “Trust me, Hannah, hiding from the hard stuff doesn’t make it any easier to live with.”

#

It was mid-afternoon when we landed in Raleigh. We found Aunt Lydia’s car in the airport parking lot and then headed west back to Asheville. We didn’t speak much as we rode through the foothills and then the blue mountains. I sat in the passenger seat with my head against the window, my eyes heavy with exhaustion.

As Aunt Lydia turned a corner a few blocks from her house, something caught my eye and made me sit up straight.

We passed Jude’s house slowly. It looked still and empty. His truck wasn’t in the driveway, neither was his mom’s car. Everything about the house looked exactly as it had been the last time I’d seen it.

Except that today there was no shirt hanging from the tree at the corner of the lot.

The figure standing on the front porch had freshly shaved hair. Short. A buzz cut. He ducked his head when I looked at him standing in the open door.

“
Hey,” Jude said.

It had been two weeks since I’d come back from Paris. I hadn’t had the courage to see Jude again. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to see me or what I would say if I came face-to-face with him, even after the phone call from Paris. I’d spent my days with Kate and Ashton and Carter instead, going bowling and swimming and hiking. Ashton and Carter were officially dating now, so Kate and I would talk and pretend not to notice the other two sneaking kisses or sharing lovesick glances.

I had been tempted to call Jude a hundred times since my return to Asheville, but I’d never found the courage to pick up the phone.

Now my heart was stuck somewhere in my knees as I looked up into Jude’s gray eyes. The same gray eyes I had seen that first day I’d arrived in Asheville.

“
Hey,” I answered.

He ran a hand over his head. “I didn’t want to leave without saying good-bye.”

I swallowed. “You’re leaving?”

“
I enlisted in the army,” he said. “I’m leaving early tomorrow morning to catch a plane for boot camp in Georgia.” He pressed his lips together. “I finally figured out how to get my life unstuck. Things started moving fast after that.”

I stepped onto the porch, pulling the door closed behind me. We sat on the front steps, side by side.

“
How long will you be gone?” I asked.

“
Boot camp is ten weeks,” he said. “Then I’ll be stationed somewhere. I don’t know where yet.”

I pressed my lips together. I would be going back to Willowbrook in three weeks to start my senior year.

I forced myself to smile. “So this is good-bye,” I said.

“
I got a signing bonus,” Jude said. “I talked with the bank and worked out an extension to pay off the missed payments once the bonus comes in. So for now, I think things will be okay.”

I twisted my hands together. “I can talk to my dad. Maybe he can refinance your loan, get you a lower payment—”

He put his hands over mine. “It’s not your problem. My mom and I got ourselves into this mess. We’ll find a way to get out. I’m talking to my mom about rehab and therapy. She’s against it right now, but I’ll keep talking to her as long as it takes.”

“
If you ever need anything…” I let my voice trail off.

He smiled. “Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Silence fell between us. A car drove by and birds swooped from tree to tree overhead. Explosions of red and yellow and orange wildflowers swayed back and forth in the breeze among the grass, filling the air with a sweet scent.

“
I didn’t just come to say good-bye,” Jude said. “There’s something I need to do before I leave, and I wanted you to do it with me.”

I raised my eyebrows. “What is it?”

Jude stood and held his hand out to me. “Do you trust me?”

I slipped my hand into his and followed him to his truck. We were silent as the old truck bumped down the street. We drove into Asheville and I smiled at the sight of the city nestled among the mountains. I had come to love this place. It was a part of me now.

An idea hit me suddenly.

“
I’m going to apply to UNC-Asheville,” I announced.

Jude glanced over at me. “Oh yeah?”

I imagined myself waking up in Asheville every day, seeing the mountains and the brown city. Biltmore Estate and Chimney Rock, the waterfalls, the Blue Ridge Parkway. Ashton and Kate and Aunt Lydia. I didn’t want to give any of it up.

“
This is it,” I said. “This is where I want to go to school.”

Jude smiled, nodding. “I think you’ll fit right in.”

We pulled into a cemetery. Lush green grass spread over the sloping land around us, dotted with small markers. Jude parked the truck and we climbed out.

He paused at the edge of the road, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I haven’t been here since the funeral,” he told me.

I reached for his hand, squeezing it tight. “I’m right here if you need me.”

Birds chirped from trees overhead as we made our way across the grass. There were a few other visitors in the cemetery, but they were several yards away, tending to their own loved ones’ graves. Flowers at some of the markers swayed in the breeze around us.

The marker was small, not much different from the others around it. A halo was etched into the top of the stone with the words “LIAM - Beloved son and brother” underneath.

Jude didn’t say anything for a long time. I leaned my head against his shoulder as I looked down at the grave of the guy who had impacted me so much this summer, despite the fact that I had never met him. I felt like I knew Liam through his brother, that what had made him who he was still lived inside Jude.

“
I should have brought flowers or something,” Jude said at last, laughing. He reached up with his free hand and swiped at his cheek, sniffling a little.

White wildflowers grew under a nearby tree and I hurried over to grab a handful. Then I placed the makeshift bouquet at the foot of the marker.

“
There,” I said. “Now he’ll know we were here.”

A smile spread across Jude’s face. “Thank you.”

We didn’t talk much, but we stayed at Liam’s grave for a long time. The sun inched toward the mountains along the horizon, turning the sky orange-gold before we finally left.

Back at Aunt Lydia’s house, I didn’t know how to let Jude go. What would happen once he drove away? Would I ever see him again? This summer was about me learning to let go and find myself, but it had to be about Jude too. He was too much a part of the summer for this to be nothing.

But I didn’t want to make promises that we might not be able to keep. It wasn’t the right way to say good-bye.

“
I’ve never been anywhere else, you know,” Jude said as he looked out at the mountains rising in the distance behind the homes across the street. “I’ve spent my whole life here.”

“
There’s a lot to see out there,” I said. “It’s easy to get lost if you’re not careful.”

He grinned. “I’m always careful.”

I laughed. “Yes, I’ve noticed that.” I couldn’t look at him as I scuffed my foot along the ground. “Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

He leaned toward me, pressing his forehead against mine. “Do you trust me?”

I looked up into gray eyes I knew so well. “Yes.”

A moment passed between us, but neither of us moved. Moving would make things complicated.

“
Are you afraid?” I asked.

“
Yes,” he said. “But when something scares you the most, that’s when you should do it.”

I smiled. “Rule number two.”

His mouth stretched into a grin and I felt something stir inside me, something big and scary and complicated. I opened my mouth, but I was too afraid to voice the truth I had just realized. I didn’t want to say it now when we were saying good-bye. If I said it, I wanted it to be real, to be something we could both be sure of and not something that came out just because I didn’t want him to go.

Jude straightened, his jaw twitching as he swallowed. “I should go. I need to pack.”

I nodded.

He moved first, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me tight against him. I clung to him, wanting desperately to never let go. I wanted to feel the solidness of him forever.

“
Bye, Hannah,” he said as he pulled back.

I couldn’t speak, so I just waved. I stood on the front porch, watching as he got into his truck, which was now painted cherry red—the same color as the streaks in my hair. He beeped the horn once as he drove off.

I watched until he disappeared behind the dip in the road. And then I whispered the words to myself, the ones I had always been too afraid to say to anyone.

“
Is that everything?” Aunt Lydia asked as I closed the trunk.

I nodded. “That’s everything I brought with me.”

The summer sun was already high in the sky overhead, still vibrant, but I could feel the change beginning in the air as August stretched toward September. Summer was ending, and I was headed back home to Willowbrook. It was hard to believe I’d been in Asheville for two full months.

“
Wait,” Aunt Lydia said. She held up her finger and then dashed back into the house.

I looked at Ashton and Kate. “What’s that about?”

Kate shrugged, but Ashton looked like she knew something. Before I could press her for details, she threw her arms around me.

“
I’ll miss you!” she exclaimed.

Kate wrapped herself around me from the other side and we stood there in a big group hug until I laughed.

“
I can’t breathe!” I joked.

My friends released me and stepped back.
My friends.
It made me smile to think that.

“
Text us every day,” Ashton said.

“
About everything,” Kate added.

“
I will,” I promised.

Aunt Lydia returned, carrying a square canvas that she held pressed against her chest. “A good-bye present,” she said as she handed it toward me.

I sucked in a deep breath as I looked at the painting. It was Asheville, but it was also Willowbrook. The two towns were combined into one picture in a way that made them seem like one city, but I could still see the defining qualities about each.

“
When did you paint this?” I asked.

Aunt Lydia beamed. “These last few weeks,” she said. “When we came back from Paris, I didn’t feel stuck anymore. I just had to paint.”

I hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Thank you. I love it.”

Aunt Lydia’s eyes looked glassy as she smiled at me. “Remember you can come back any time you want, and you can call me. Even in the middle of the night. I’ll always answer.”

I laid the painting carefully on the passenger seat of my car. Five hours was a long drive and I didn’t want anything to happen to it.

I hugged everyone one last time and then climbed in, shutting the door behind me. The ignition started with a soft rumble and I backed out of the driveway.

Aunt Lydia, Ashton, and Kate stood on the lawn waving at me as I pulled away. I looked up in my rearview mirror to see them one last time, then focused on the road ahead.

I was ready to go home.

#