The Rules of You and Me (20 page)

But what was the point? I knew the truth.

My mom had hung up on me.
Happy freaking birthday, Hannah.

“
I’m not climbing to the top,” I said as Jude and I made our way up the trail of steps.

“
It’s your birthday,” Jude said.

“
Right, and I’d prefer not to fall to my death until at least tomorrow.”

Other people passed us, some huffing and puffing with exhaustion, others bouncing up the stairs with big smiles. I focused on moving one foot at a time while my stomach gurgled with apprehension.

As we made our way up the steps, I looked up at the bridge across the gap and gulped. “Um,” I said, “I don’t think I can do this.”

“
You can,” Jude said.

“
No, really. I can’t.”

We reached the bottom of the bridge and I froze in place. Sweat beaded along my lip and down the back of my neck. My stomach churned and a sick feeling welled up inside me.

Then Jude’s face was all I could see, right in front of me. His hands closed around mine.

“
Do you trust me?”

He said it so simply, like it wasn’t a question full of implications and complications. Like the only thing that mattered at that moment was what I would say.

“
Yes,” I answered.

“
Then walk with me. One step at a time. Just look at me, nothing else.”

I did as he said, keeping my gaze locked on his. I took a step forward, lifting my foot to the bridge.

“
Good,” Jude said. “We’ll go slowly. Keep your eyes on mine.”

He spoke to me in that soothing voice as we made our way across. Whenever I tightened my grip on his hands, he would remind me to look at him and not think about anything else.

“
Good,” he said. “You’re doing great, Hannah.”

He looked at me as if he would protect me from everything. As if he could keep me from falling just because he said I wouldn’t.

“
You’re there,” he whispered.

When he stepped out of my path and to my side, the valley opened up before me. We stood at the top of Chimney Rock, the flag whipping over our heads in the breeze that billowed around the rock. Everywhere I looked, I saw the sloping shapes of mountains against the blue sky. A lake stretched in the valley, the sunlight glittering on its surface. It was amazing and beautiful and exhilarating.

“
I’m here,” I whispered. “I did it.”

“
Scream,” Jude said.

“
What?”

“
Yell.” He waved his arm. “Let everything out.”

I shook my head. “Not happening.”

“
Do it,” Jude persisted. “You’ll love it.”

“
I can’t scream.” I looked at the other people on the rock with us. I didn’t want to be responsible for giving one of them a heart attack.

“
Yes, you can. You can do anything. Yell!”

I sucked in a breath and then let out a yell. I felt ridiculous. Some people turned to look at us, their eyebrows raised.

Jude frowned. “That was pathetic. Like this.” He sucked in air until his chest was full and then yelled loud, his voice echoing around us. He yelled again, cupping his hands around his mouth and jumping up and down. They weren’t words, just sounds.

“
Come on,” he told me. “Yell. It’s therapeutic.”

So I took another breath, closed my eyes, and then let everything out. I yelled until my throat burned and I had no air left. I squeezed my fists until my fingernails dug into my palms. Then I yelled again.

Jude joined in and the two of us yelled until we had nothing left to yell about. A few other people on the rock joined us, all of us screaming for no reason on the top of a rock on a mountain. I opened my eyes, looking out at the mountains and valleys below us. I felt free.

Jude shifted closer to me, his hand brushing mine. “Happy birthday, Hannah,” he whispered.

#

“
Happy birthday!”

I grinned wide at the people around me. Some of them I knew—Jude, Ashton, Kate, Carter, Nadia, Syke, and Trent—but the others were random friends of everyone else. They had told me their names and wished me a happy birthday, but there were too many to keep up with.

Somehow, Ashton had gotten her parents to agree to let her throw a party in their house. When I asked her how she’d managed this, she had just waved a hand and said, “Oh, they don’t mind, as long as I clean everything up and don’t let their fish get broken.”

The fish was a giant swordfish that hung over the fireplace in the den where the center of the party seemed to be. Underneath, all along the mantle were framed photographs, porcelain cherubs, and a huge blue vase, but it was the giant fish that Ashton cared about. Every time someone moved too closely to it, she would freak and yell at them to stay away.

Ashton and Kate carefully set the huge cake down on the coffee table in front of me. It was a white sheet cake, with red flowers on the corners and “Happy 17th, Hannah!” written in swooping icing letters. Two big number candles, a one and a seven, sat in the middle of the cake, their flames flickering.

“
Make a wish!” Ashton said.

I closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them as I blew out the two candles. People cheered, though probably because they wanted cake more than the fact that I had blown out the candles in one blow.

“
Now your wish will come true,” Ashton told me. She picked up a knife. “Okay, line up for cake! And
you!
” She pointed the knife at a scrawny boy who was edging too close to the fireplace. “You stay away from that fish. I’m watching you.”

I took two slices of cake and then found Jude hiding in a corner. He had come to the party, but he kept mostly to himself. He shifted from one foot to the other as he looked around the room.

“
So,” he said, “this is fun.”

I rolled my eyes. “Eat your cake.”

He took the plate I offered him. We ate our slices in silence, watching as the people around us talked and laughed and ate cake. I smiled.

“
You look happy,” Jude said.

“
I am,” I told him. “It’s weird. I don’t know ninety percent of these people and I’ll probably never see them again, but this is one of the best birthday parties I’ve ever had. Low key. No pressure. You know?”

“
Are birthday parties generally stressful where you live?”

“
You have no idea,” I told him. “Once, I made the mistake of telling my mom I wanted a ballet themed birthday party. I was thinking like a ballerina on the cake and maybe I’d run around in a tutu. But Mom decided that the party would be an
actual
ballet. So she found some ballet instructor to come and try to teach all of us how to dance
Swan Lake
. I remember the ballet instructor trying to convince my mom to just let us do some warm up routines or something, but no, Mom insisted on the actual
Swan Lake
dances. I was the Swan Princess, and it didn’t matter that I didn’t actually know any ballet. I was expected to perform, and so were all my friends.” I laughed. “I think some of them stopped being my friends after that.”

Jude cringed. “Yikes. My birthday parties were always just a cake from the grocery store, some half-melted ice cream, a bag of chips, and then we’d climb trees and watch TV until everyone’s parents came to pick them up.”

“
Lucky,” I muttered.

“
Hey,” said a voice at my side. I turned to find Carter standing there, his hands in his pockets.

I glanced at Jude, who was looking at the floor.

“
I wanted to say happy birthday,” Carter told me. “I didn’t get a chance earlier.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

Carter nodded. “Well, I’ll let you get back to eating.”

He turned to leave, but then Jude said, “Hey, Hannigan.”

Carter stopped, his body tense under his T-shirt. He looked Jude up and down before answering. He still had a yellow bruise under his left eye and a scab on his lip. “Yeah?”

Jude ran a hand over his head. “Look, I wanted to apologize. For what happened. It wasn’t cool, and I’m sorry.” He held a hand out to Carter.

Carter looked at his hand for a moment, then reached over and shook it. “It’s okay. It’s nothing.”

“
Seriously,” Jude said. “I’m really sorry.”

Carter shrugged. “I understand. Let’s just forget it and move on. Okay?”

Jude nodded. “Okay.”

They fist bumped and then Carter disappeared back into the crowd.

I looked at Jude. “So that’s how guys make up? Fist bump and everything’s cool?”

“
Sure, I guess,” Jude said. “What did you want us to do? Hug it out?”

“
That might have been entertaining,” I said.

Jude rolled his eyes. “Come on, Cohen. Let’s party before you get anymore crazy ideas.”

We tossed our plates into the trash and found a little place in the middle of the gyrating crowd where we could dance. I didn’t dance often in crowds. Zac had always tried to get me to dance, but I was too self-conscious of looking stupid. But right then, I didn’t care. I danced and laughed and enjoyed myself.

A crash and then a shriek interrupted the party atmosphere. Someone stopped the music and everyone froze in place.

“
You dumbass!” It was Ashton’s voice, full of panic.

I pushed through the crowd until I reached the fireplace, where Ashton knelt next to the giant fish, which now lay on the floor. The fish was in perfect shape, but the huge blue vase that had been on the mantle now lay in a hundred tiny pieces.

She glared up at the scrawny boy who stood over her as tears slipped down her cheeks. “I can’t believe…I told you…Dumbass!”

“
Sorry,” the boy said, holding up his hands helplessly. “At least I didn’t break the fish.”

“
You scratched it!” Ashton pointed at the fish’s nose, which looked fine to me. “Do you see that?”

“
I didn’t mean—”

“
Get out!” Ashton roared at him. She bent over the fish, sobbing so hard her shoulders shook.

I started toward her, but stopped when Carter knelt next to her, slipping one arm over her shoulder. “You should go,” he told the boy. He looked around the room. “All right, everyone. Party’s over.” His gaze met mine. “Sorry, Hannah.”

I nodded. “It’s okay.”

“
I’ll help you,” Carter said. “Maybe we can fix it.”

Ashton shook her head, still crying. “My parents are going to kill me.”

Carter pulled her into a tight hug. “Shh. It’s okay. It’s not broken. Maybe we can touch it up so they won’t even see the scratch.”

Kate’s eyes met mine over their heads. She wiggled her eyebrows up and down and I couldn’t help grinning. Maybe all it took to bring Ashton and Carter together was a huge fish.

My stomach twisted when the gray stone building came into view. I had seen it only once before, but I remembered everything about it. The perfectly manicured bushes cut into little balls that lined the path to the building. The sliding glass door. The iron bench out front where people could sit and talk.

“
You okay?” Jude asked.

I nodded, gulping down the lump in my throat. I couldn’t speak. If I opened my mouth, I might cry or throw up or something else I really didn’t want to do right then.

I maneuvered the car into a parking space and cut off the ignition. Jude reached over to squeeze my hand. “I’m right here,” he said. “I’ll be here the whole time if you need me.”

It had been a long five hour drive and I was thankful for Jude’s presence. I hadn’t even told Aunt Lydia where I was going today. It was something I needed to do, without anyone who might try to give me advice on what to say. It had taken three days of arguing with myself to finally call the rehab center and ask for permission to visit. Jude had been surprised when I called to him early that morning and said I wanted to go to Keller-Burns, but he didn’t hesitate or question it. He just waited outside his house for me to pick him up.

I clenched my hands together, taking a deep breath. It was quiet here, which was one of the things I liked about Keller-Burns. The center sat surrounded by tall pines and oaks, which made it feel separate from the rest of the city. Even through the closed windows of my car, I could hear birds chirping around us.

Jude didn’t say anything, he just sat with me until I was ready to get out of the car. He held my hand as we walked across the parking lot. A woman sat on the bench outside. She was thin and gaunt, her cheekbones sunken into her face and dark circles under her eyes. She didn’t look at us as we passed and I had to repress a shudder. Did my dad look like that? He hadn’t when we’d dropped him off six weeks ago, but I wasn’t sure what to expect now.

The waiting room of Keller-Burns Rehabilitation Center smelled clean, like antiseptic and air freshener. We were searched for any prohibited items, which I had been warned about by the lady I’d spoken to when I arranged the visit, and we had to check our cell phones in at the front desk. We waited in hard gray chairs while someone notified my father that we were there. After a moment, the nurse came through a door and smiled at me.