The Push: A Sequel to The Pull (7 page)

EIGHT

Livvy

I wasn’t thrilled about seeing Henry and Evelyn right now. I’d rather be lying in bed. I felt extremely tired and had cat naps on and off, but nothing lasting and nothing that really left me feeling refreshed. So this was what grief felt like. Even the hunger pangs from the pregnancy significantly decreased. I was spiraling down a hole I didn’t know how to find my way out of, and I was struggling, my fingernails clawing at dirt to try to keep myself from plummeting the whole way to the bottom. Something told me I was going to hit, though—hit hard. My in-laws would hopefully be distraction enough to keep me occupied, if only for a little while.

My eyes opened when I felt Shane’s car come to a halt in his parents’ driveway. I sat up, a coat falling down my arms. Shane had covered me up while I slept. I glanced his way, my lips thinning into a small smile. He nodded then, knowing my gratitude. Shane was really a very sweet and thoughtful guy. Had he always been that way, or was it just now that he had finally allowed himself to grow up a little bit, enough that his chivalry was shining through? I didn’t know, but I appreciated it just the same. He said I was one of his favorite people in the world, and honestly, I thought the exact same way about him.

Evelyn was already out on the porch, her hands on her hips as she peered down at us. I opened the passenger door and forced myself out. I took a deep breath and looked over at the old barn. Darin and I hadn’t spent much time here. I wondered what it was like when Darin and Shane were boys, when there were animals in that barn. I could picture them running around in the fields in their bare feet, being energetic and ornery. My hand fell down and cupped underneath my belly. I wanted my little one to grow up with enough land to run free on. That had been mine and Darin’s plan…

“Livvy,” Evelyn cried out, taking her time as she descended the wooden steps and came over to me. She opened up her arms and brought me in to hug me tight. She smelled of onions and beef.

I relished in the warmth of my mother-in-law. Being around Darin’s family was like holding onto a living piece of him. “Hi, Evelyn.”

She pulled away from me and put both her palms on my cheeks as she examined my face. “Poor dear. Come on inside and get something to eat. I just finished making dinner. Everything’s on the table already.”

I sighed. The thought of food made me a little nauseous, but I knew I needed to eat to keep my strength up for the baby’s sake. I watched Shane retrieve my small bag out of his car among his own things. I turned and looked up at the house. This is where my husband grew up. I should embrace it and hold onto it while I had it.

“Livvy,” Henry greeted me. He was already seated at the dining room table, sipping on some tea.

I walked over to him and patted him on the back.

“Hungry, girl? Evelyn has everything ready.”

I glanced at the bowls and plates positioned on the table, steam rising into the air above, way too much food for only four people to eat. My stomach gurgled, but it wasn’t hunger. It was more like a burning sensation. I just didn’t feel right. “I’m going to go wash up first.”

I shut the bathroom door behind me and steadied myself against the sink. It felt as if I couldn’t get enough air. I was hyperventilating, my breaths coming in quick and shallow. I closed my eyes for a few moments and tried to regain control over my body. I turned on some cold water and let my hands slide through it for a few moments, relishing in the chill. Then I leaned over and splashed some on my face.
You’re here among loved ones, Darin’s loved ones. You should feel secure here. You’re not alone in your pain.

There was a light rap on the door.

“Livvy, dear?”

Evelyn.

“I’ll be right out!” I yelled. I didn’t know what my problem was. Since when did I not embrace the company of others? I loved chatting and catching up. I dabbed my face with a towel.
Since your husband died, that’s when.

“We’ll be waiting for you,” she said.

I didn’t answer. I took a long, deep breath and continued to exhale until all the air was out of my lungs. I felt like a sinking ship here, but I had to go out there and share in their pain like a good daughter-in-law would. This was what people did. They gathered together in times of crisis, and they heard each other’s cries. Then they helped each other get through. If only they didn’t look at me as if I were a ticking time bomb.

I opened the door and went out. Everyone was already seated around the table. I greeted their stares with a quick smile and took a seat next to Henry. We held hands as grace was said, then bowls were passed around. I still didn’t have much of an appetite, but I knew I’d be scrutinized if they didn’t see heaping piles of food on my plate, so I’d entertain them—for now.

“I spent the afternoon jotting down some ideas,” Evelyn began in between chewing bites of food.

I raised my eyebrows in question. Everyone did.

Evelyn put her fork down and her napkin to her lips. “You know, for Darin’s obituary.”

“Oh,” I mumbled, putting my head back down and staring into the pile of potatoes I kept pushing around with my spoon.

“I want it to be really nice and make sure it emphasizes all the good characteristics that he had,” she went on.

Great. More details about Darin’s death. I had spent the morning talking to an undertaker and now when I thought I’d have a moment’s peace…more details had to be worked out. I knew it had to be done, but couldn’t I have just a few hours without thinking about anything at all? Was that too much to ask for?

“What do you have so far?” Henry asked, helping himself to some more iced tea.

I glanced up to see Evelyn’s face light up at Henry’s interest in what she had to say. “Do you want to hear it? I have it right over there.” She stood up and walked over to a wooden shelf nearby. She retrieved a wrinkled piece of paper. Then smoothing it over with her hand, she sat back down and dug her glasses out of the front pocket of her dress. “Well, it doesn’t say much of anything yet to be honest. It’s just a list of family, those that preceded him in death, those that are still living.” Evelyn made eye contact with me. “Of course it has his unborn son on it. I knew you’d want that included of course, Livvy.”

I nodded and put my head back down. The baby kicked me as if right on cue. He was clueless as to what was happening out here on the surface. He was tucked away warm and safe from the obstacles the world had given his parents, not knowing his poor daddy was now gone, that he’d only know him from photographs and stories others told him. My despair amplified.

“Then I just made a list, you know, of how intelligent Darin was, the first in our family to finish college. And he got there on a scholarship. He was always so smart, wasn’t he, Henry?”

Henry made a grunting noise. I supposed that meant he was in agreement.

Evelyn put the paper closer to her nose to read it better. “Hardworking. That boy never stopped working, always providing for this family. He had such a lovely home, always took care of the things he owned.”

I managed to swallow a bite of beef, though it seemed to be sticking to the sides of my throat. I reached for my glass of water to try to get it down the rest of the way.

“Caring, loving family man. I wanted to write about his devotion to Livvy and how she was the center of his world.”

“You need to put in there he was restless. Couldn’t get that boy to sit still at all. Sometimes I thought we’d have to chain him down to the chair just to get him to eat supper with us, remember?” Henry chuckled.

“Oh, Henry, I can’t put that.” Evelyn laughed, too.

“Stubborn as a mule,” Henry added. “Wouldn’t take a single piece of advice. He always had to learn the hard way. You make him sound like a saint.”

“I want him remembered for his good qualities, Henry. Not everyone has a lot of good in them, you know.” Evelyn got up and put the piece of paper away.

“Well, he’s no saint. No one is. Write down a few things, but don’t make a book out of it. People read obituaries to see if they knew the person, to see who their relatives were and if they knew them once. Darin was a good man, I’ll give you that, but I don’t think he’d want pure sugar written down about him to have him remembered by.”

The bite of beef just wasn’t going down like I wanted it to. Now I felt sick to my stomach, and I knew it was because Evelyn and Henry just kept rambling on and on about Darin. Good qualities, bad ones…I loved all of him and now all of those things were gone. It was like being jabbed with a hot poker in the same spot repeatedly. I should’ve stayed home. I could be lying on my bed dwelling on my own issues and not having to listen to Darin’s parents argue over his
attributes.

Suddenly I was frozen in place.
Oh no, not now
. I was going to barf. It was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. I could feel the vomit making its way up my throat as my mouth began to have that sickening watery feeling that happened just before…

I stood up and bolted outside, the screen door slamming shut behind me. I made it off the porch and around the side of the house before spewing all the contents of my stomach up onto the ground. There wasn’t much in there to begin with, but my stomach muscles continued to clench as I heaved again and again.

“Liv?” I heard Shane say from the porch above me. I had my back facing him. I waved him away. I just wanted to be alone for a few minutes and attempt to recuperate.

I stood there stooped over. The screen door opened and closed again. Shane must’ve gotten the point. My abdomen hurt along with my throat. I had that disgusting acid taste in my mouth, but I didn’t feel as nauseous anymore. I’d gotten the worst of it out.

I looked around for somewhere to sit for a moment. I didn’t want to go back in that house. If I heard the word
obituary
again, it was likely I’d get sick all over again. I couldn’t face my in-laws right now, not when their ticking time bomb had actually gone off. My eyes shifted to the barn in the distance. That looked like the perfect place to hide out.

A musty hay smell entered my nostrils as I pushed a small wooden door open. To my relief, it didn’t make me feel sick. It actually seemed to make me feel better. I saw a small mouse scamper away and into a hole in the far wall. There were cobwebs on the dusty windows that still were able to let some light in. A large metal bucket was overturned in the middle of the floor. I walked over to it and wiped it off with my hand. Then I sat down and tried to ease the tension working its way up into my shoulders and neck. I sighed. Now what? It was only a matter of time before Shane came looking for me.

“Liv?”

Shit. That didn’t take long at all. So much for peace and quiet.

“You in here?”

I inwardly groaned. “Yeah.”

He pulled the wooden door open wider and stepped inside. Some cobwebs hit him in the forehead and he batted them away from his face. “What on earth made you want to come in here?”

“Where else should I be?” I snapped. “Inside listening to your mother and father discuss Darin’s true traits?”

He nodded as if understanding, but did he really? He pulled over a short bench that sat in the corner and positioned himself directly in front of me.

“I told them you got sick,” he whispered.

I snorted. “I
am
sick.”

“I shouldn’t have brought you here. I just thought…”

“Everyone is doing the thinking for me,” I snapped again. “I’m sorry, Shane, but I’m pissed off at the world right now. You’re in front of me, so you get the brunt of it.”

The corner of his mouth twitched upward. “That’s okay. I can take it. I deserve it anyway. I’m an idiot. I was doing the thinking for you. I thought you could come up here and just feel better, have people around to talk to. You’ve only been here two minutes and you’re already more miserable than you were before.”

I pinched the spot in between my eyebrows. “It’s just all very overwhelming, Shane. It’s hard for me to comprehend that he’s gone, let alone have others around me comprehending it aloud. It’s just…uncomfortable. I feel like we’re mocking Darin instead of really mourning him. But I don’t even know the correct way to mourn, Shane. I feel like I’m all thumbs and left feet. I can’t do anything right and everyone’s taking notice of it.”

“What are you talking about, Liv? That’s not true at all. None of us know what we’re doing. Even Mom in there. She doesn’t know what to talk about, so her and Dad talking about the obituary is just their way of grieving I guess you could say. There’s no right or wrong about it. No one means to offend anyone else. It’s just all talk to try to get through.”

I could feel the tears welling up. “I don’t know if I can get through the funeral.”

“You’re just having a really rough time right now, Liv, and that’s expected.”

“Is it?”

Shane looked at me as if I were completely off my rocker. “Of course. You just lost your husband for god’s sake. If you weren’t having a hard time, I’d think something was seriously wrong with you.”

I shook my head, my curls bouncing against my cheeks. “I can’t do it, Shane.” The tears fell now. There was no holding them back. “I won’t even be able to stand up at the funeral, let alone face a room full of people smiling and giving me condolences. They’ll all be looking at me with pity, the same pity I see you and your parents look at me with.”